Was I being too stuck up/have too much high standards?

May 8, 2017

On the one hand I agree that netflix isn't really a first date thing.

On the other hand this whole situation screams out a lot of ambiguity though. You've said that you want to be friends first. Is that really what you are looking for? Do you expect him to take you out to a fancy date as a friend?

What is the social etiquette for taking someone out on a first friends date?

I'm not necessarily saying you made the wrong choice with this guy. Just that you need to figure out what you want. Taking it slow and making sure you aren't being used is different IMO than wanting to be friends first.

And talking everyday for a few weeks is a lot of lead up time to meeting in person.

Well yeah, he works a lot so that's why it took a while to meet up. But initially we were supposed to go somewhere scenic. Nothing fancy. Just explore the city or something and just meet up as friends.

Yes I understand the difference between friends/dating.

So I mean I thought he was really cool and wanted to just hangout and enjoy his company and just be friends. IF feelings turned up then we can try dating. That's what I was aiming for.

May 8, 2017

If you are proud of yourself for standing up for yourself, fine good for you.

That said, diplomacy & tact go a along way without making you feel weak. Lets work on balance because there will be a next guy who suggests Netflix & chill again. In some respects it's a test / boundaries issue. They guy is trying to see how little he can get away with.

In your shoes, I never would have said "I want to be friends first." You really don't. You are presumably in the market for a respectful BF. To get one, you can't take romance off the table up front. You also miss the point of the early dates. They are simply pre-arranged times & places to meet to get to know the other person. They don't require a commitment of more than the allotted time for the activity.

Second, when he asked how you feel about literally Netflix & chill, the better answer was you appreciated the fact that he meant watch a movie & relax rather than using it as a euphemism for sex but you prefer more public activities for the first few dates & while you would be open to hanging out with him a park bench his suggestion is not what you are interested in at this point.

Interesting and true. Okay so I need to stop suggesting that I want MORE to find a respectable bf and stop beating around the bush. Makes sense. I just thought that the saying" best friend makes a better bf than a stranger" so thats why I was going for friends first.

Yeah, I made one mistake by being harsh to ONE guy. I get it. I'll go back to being nice and upfront with another potential one then.

May 8, 2017

Come on, go out for pizza, walk in the park or beach but you don't invite someone to your home on a first date. The guys a loser. Find someone who can treat you like a lady. If he were really interested he wouldn't have suggested that regardless of your response being warranted or not. You dodged a bullet not him.

May 8, 2017

I think you're a wee bit defensive in your response. He's not interested in dating you properly, as evidenced by him taking weeks to ask you to come chill for the first meet. A guy who wants to date you is going to put in more effort than that, no matter how "lazy" he is. He's gonna want to come off a little better than that. > However, scolding people for not putting in effort because they're not interested enough is only going to make them less interested and going to put you in a bad light. Best option would be to decline and suggest something else or (I would recommend in this case since your goals don't seem aligned) walk away.

Tl;dr I don't think you missed out on anything here. Just a etiquette-critique- thing..

Edited May 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

May 8, 2017

I think you're a wee bit defensive in your response. He's not interested in dating you properly, as evidenced by him taking weeks to ask you to come chill for the first meet. A guy who wants to date you is going to put in more effort than that, no matter how "lazy" he is. He's gonna want to come off a little better than that. > However, scolding people for not putting in effort because they're not interested enough is only going to make them less interested and going to put you in a bad light. Best option would be to decline and suggest something else or (As I would recommend in this case since your goals don't seem aligned) walk away.

Yeah, I should've stopped when I said "I don't netflix and chill sorry" and leave it at that. Anger got the best of me and I saw the lazy effort and I just exploded. Live and learn I guess. I mean I wasn't expecting him to take me on a date. Just a hangout like: Oh we should meet up so we can atleast know eachother in person rather than on the phone.

Even prior to this conversation I tried meeting up with him but he worked so much/ had other plans to do things. Granted he would always send me snapchats and I really thought I was just in good company. That I would have a male friend in this new state that I just moved to.

May 8, 2017

It's OK that you got insulted. It was an insulting offer. You just need to control it a tad better.

Love is friendship that caught fire in some cases -- another way of saying best friends make the best BFs but when you don't know the person IRL, you have date conventionally but slowly (i.e. Netflix & chill comes waaaayyyy later).

Be true to yourself but clearer & you should eventually find the relationship you want.

May 8, 2017

There seems to be a lot of that played out mindset that "girls should be nice no matter what"--even if they're being insulted. Bah!

Would be different if he suggested meeting for a coffee and a walk in the park and she launched on him with what she said. That's not what happened. His suggestion was rude and it was borderline negging. In his estimation, this stranger he was saying he wanted to meet wasn't worth him washing his behind and going out of his house to meet her. Would you all suggest your daughter "be nice" and go do this? Ugh!

She didn't owe him anything once he insulted her with that suggestion of netflix and chill-ing.

Besides, she's never going to meet him, nor should she, so no harm no foul.

May 8, 2017

Yeah, I don't chill. Wether its friends or for a date. If you have anything that's not lazy then let me know. Other than that I'm out and I said nice talking to you."

First up, this is not the guy for you - I think we can all agree on that. However your response was appallingly rude. Speak in positives rather than negatives.

Let me fix it for you "Yeah, I'm the kind of girl who prefers to be active and doing things. I'm hoping to find a partner who enjoys the same kind of life as me". Same message - far less obnoxious.

May 8, 2017

Sorry, the guys a jerk. If she wanted to go to his house first date and she suggested it after meeting him, fine. It was not a courteous thing for him to request. He will never get the idea it was rude unless she calls him on it and informs him for the next poor soul who answers his text. Again the price of admission is courtesy and generosity, even if that's a pizza or a walk. The thinly veiled, "lets sit on my couch and watch TV or something"....is an insult to a lady, when you don't even know someone.

May 8, 2017

I don't think he intended to insult, but I understand getting angry. Netflix and hanging out at home is pretty common these days with hookup culture and casually 'seeing' people. Op actually said she would be open to friends. That could translate to something super casual to this guy.

But it's not about this guy, and I don't think it's about gender, either. There's just nothing to gain from asking someone what they want and calling them out when it's not what you want. It's like a guy who wants something casual after having been used for free dinners asking a woman what she'd like to do, and when she suggests to go to a restaurant he tells her, "yea, hit me up when you stop being a high-maintenance freeloader."

But I totally understand being irked by it.

May 8, 2017

Sorry, the guys a jerk. If she wanted to go to his house first date and she suggested it after meeting him, fine. It was not a courteous thing for him to request. He will never get the idea it was rude unless she calls him on it and informs him for the next poor soul who answers his text. Again the price of admission is courtesy and generosity, even if that's a pizza or a walk. The thinly veiled, "lets sit on my couch and watch TV or something"....is an insult to a lady, when you don't even know someone.

Very chivalrous. Wish more men thought like this!

May 8, 2017

I've told this guy multiple times I only want to be friends and get to know him.

This is a red flag right here. I totally understanding wanting to put little effort and investment into a woman who says that.

May 8, 2017

I know I should really stop. I just absolutely HATE laziness.

The judgement in your statement combined with lack of understanding of the needs of others runs strong here. There are many busy people who need some downtime in order to recharge their batteries. Or who enjoy the connection of just chilling together. There is nothing wrong with this - and their behaviour isn't "lazy". (I am not talking about the guy who you didn't go out with - I'm talking about your general HATE of what you call laziness.)

A lazy person gets nothing done and I can see why this is not attractive. But a person who needs downtime to recharge or who enjoys chilling with a loved one is not lazy if they also get things done in between times.

Lastly, have a think about the depth of your feelings here. As I tell my kids, 'hate' is a really strong word. And you've got it in CAPS! I can understand having an aversion to/disliking/not understanding/etc. But HATE? What's the history to your intense feelings about this?

May 8, 2017

What is the social etiquette for taking someone out on a first friends date?

I think a 'friends first date' is an oxymoron.

May 8, 2017

Yeah, not a suitable first date. I have been on the other end of the spectrum, actually causing a woman to throw up from exhaustion on the 2nd date.

Regardless, the lack of effort from his side was painful.

May 8, 2017

You were absolutely right. He's trying it. You were clear about wanting to do something out and he then tried to lure you back to his place. On a first date. So this guy may be nerdy, but he's not to be trusted after you already were clear what you were about. I wouldn't even keep the date now because he disrespected every parameter you gave him -- and meeting for the first time, OF COURSE, you should have safe parameters!

May 8, 2017

The judgement in your statement combined with lack of understanding of the needs of others runs strong here. There are many busy people who need some downtime in order to recharge their batteries. Or who enjoy the connection of just chilling together. There is nothing wrong with this - and their behaviour isn't "lazy". (I am not talking about the guy who you didn't go out with - I'm talking about your general HATE of what you call laziness.)

A lazy person gets nothing done and I can see why this is not attractive. But a person who needs downtime to recharge or who enjoys chilling with a loved one is not lazy if they also get things done in between times.

Lastly, have a think about the depth of your feelings here. As I tell my kids, 'hate' is a really strong word. And you've got it in CAPS! I can understand having an aversion to/disliking/not understanding/etc. But HATE? What's the history to your intense feelings about this?

The laziness steams back to my first bf who was absolutely lazy and didn't take me on dates after he took my virginity and dumped me twice.

I tried dating again and I got a guy who was lazy where he didn't want to talk on the phone and only wanted to text as a form of communication.

I mean hate is a strong word yes. I guess I can re-word to STRONGLY DISLIKE laziness. Due to dealing with people who were lazy with me I guess. :/

May 8, 2017

The laziness steams back to my first bf who was absolutely lazy and didn't take me on dates after he took my virginity and dumped me twice.
I tried dating again and I got a guy who was lazy where he didn't want to talk on the phone and only wanted to text as a form of communication.

I mean hate is a strong word yes. I guess I can re-word to STRONGLY DISLIKE laziness. Due to dealing with people who were lazy with me I guess. :/

Why would you expect a male friend to be "energetic" in his efforts to spend time with you? I understand not tolerating laziness in someone you're dating or in a relationship, but why does a friend owe you effort?

May 8, 2017

You did the right thing, but next time don't even let it go that far.

You did all the work. You asked him out. He asked you to pick the ideas etc. If you want a guy that's serious about dating, he will ask you out and make the plans like a proper man.

I'm so done with all this "hanging out" and "chilling".

That's something to be done as a couple, not dating. Good on you for standing your ground. He would prob be a lazy ass bf anyways.

OK, I'm probably going to get shot in the face for bringing this up, but...

For the last decade or so, we've had a very strong message being communicated from women; "We are strong, independent and equal to men in every way. We don't demand special treatment! We're just like you!"

So.. men went "Sure, OK. Just like us. How about we just meet in the middle as people then?"

Only to find comments like;

"If you want a guy that's serious about dating, he will ask you out and make the plans like a proper man."

So which is it? Do women want equality? Or do they want special treatment?

I'm not saying women don't deserve to be treated well and respected. But I am a little taken aback at women expecting men to jump through hoops for the "honor" of spending time with them. If a guy wants to spend time with another guy, he calls the dude up and they hang out. Have a beer. Low stress.

I don't even mind so much. Just admit that women *demand* special treatment, extra effort etc and let men work to meet that expectation. Don't send the mixed messages saying "We want to be equal, but only in the ways we choose to be".

May 8, 2017

Update I actually sent him a text to apologize about my rudeness of texting him aggressively like that. But then I told him I felt like he was trying to hook up even when I said I didn't want to.

He replies saying: It's okay, I understand it takes time to build trust. That we've been talking for a while and if he really wanted sex he could've found someone to sleep with easily.

I'm not sure if that's good. I just really suck at this whole meeting people kind of thing. ugh.

May 8, 2017

Why would you expect a male friend to be "energetic" in his efforts to spend time with you? I understand not tolerating laziness in someone you're dating or in a relationship, but why does a friend owe you effort?

Hmm well if I'm friends with someone I would want them to be excited to see me and to do things with me. REGARDLESS of gender. Girls and Guys. But why would you invite a girl to your house to watch a movie when you know exactly what you're trying to do. You could easily chill somewhere else other than your couch just as you would go somewhere else with the guys. It just seems like he was trying to lure me in and get sex.

May 8, 2017

I think you were pretty harsh in your response. I can understand not hanging out on the sofa with a movie, but you could have stated that you'd rather do something active or that you're really not much of a movie person, or even state that since you haven't met yet, you would be more comfortable not meeting in someone's home just yet. You can save the movie for later when you know him better, but if you're just not one to watch movies and always have to be on the go, just say so. You're not a sofa and movie kind of girl.

I'm glad you apologized and I'm glad he seemed receptive to it.

May 8, 2017

Hmm well if I'm friends with someone I would want them to be excited to see me and to do things with me. REGARDLESS of gender. Girls and Guys. But why would you invite a girl to your house to watch a movie when you know exactly what you're trying to do. You could easily chill somewhere else other than your couch just as you would go somewhere else with the guys. It just seems like he was trying to lure me in and get sex.

From my point of view, you were both trying to get something out of the other that they didn't want to give. You labelled him as a friend. He likely wanted sex from you (which is beyond friendship), but you didn't want that. You wanted him to take you out on dates (which is also beyond friendship), but he didn't want that.

May 8, 2017

Update I actually sent him a text to apologize about my rudeness of texting him aggressively like that. But then I told him I felt like he was trying to hook up even when I said I didn't want to.

He replies saying: It's okay, I understand it takes time to build trust. That we've been talking for a while and if he really wanted sex he could've found someone to sleep with easily.

I'm not sure if that's good. I just really suck at this whole meeting people kind of thing. ugh.

Firstly, it was good of you to send that response. Even if you had a valid point (and you do), being willing to soften it a little was fair.

Secondly, just give the relationship time to breath a little. If you don't want to make out with the guy, then *don't* spend time alone with him until you can trust he'll respect your position. There's loads of things you guys can do in public.

Secondly, if the guy isn't making an effort and you'd like him to make more effort, tell him. If he's into you, he *will* make an effort. If not, you've dodged a bullet.

In other words, make your expectations clear and see how the person reacts. Go from there.

Good luck!

May 8, 2017

The laziness steams back to my first bf who was absolutely lazy and didn't take me on dates after he took my virginity and dumped me twice.
I tried dating again and I got a guy who was lazy where he didn't want to talk on the phone and only wanted to text as a form of communication.

I mean hate is a strong word yes. I guess I can re-word to STRONGLY DISLIKE laziness. Due to dealing with people who were lazy with me I guess. :/

Ok, but do you understand that a person who isn't 100% go go go all the time is not lazy? The desire to chill with a friend or loved one is not being lazy?

I get that these boyfriends weren't a good match for you. But I would only label them "lazy" if they were also unemployed, not looking for work/further education and not taking care of themselves.

And guy number one didn't "take" your virginity. You chose him as your first sexual partner. It's wise to avoid seeing yourself as a victim in life.

Sign In

Was I being too stuck up/have too much high standards?

Recommended Posts

moonchild94

moonchild94

johngalt1149

Miss Spider

moonchild94

d0nnivain

kendahke

basil67

johngalt1149

Miss Spider

Miss Spider

Shining One

basil67

basil67

CptInsano

preraph

moonchild94

Shining One

neowulf

moonchild94

moonchild94

act00

Shining One

neowulf

basil67

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...