Struggling to accept it's over? (long post)

May 8, 2017

First post on here but been lurking for a couple of weeks. Would like to explain my story and seek some advice but it's going to be a long one. Thanks if you get through it.

So my boyfriend of a year broke up with me nearly 3 weeks ago. We are students at uni and had an incredibly close relationship - we just fit together so well and it all happened with no mind games and classic student commitment-phobe nonsense. He is quite a shy person, I had to do most of the instigating for us to get together (he's not a player and hasn't slept around outside of relationships), but since we got together we had been normal and equal and always on the same page. He was my first relationship but I was not his, but it was his most serious and we were completely in love. My friends loved him, his friends loved me, we had met each others families and everything was great. We had been to paris and rome together. All perfect. Spent most of our time together.

The reason for the breakup...all very silly little things really. We are final year students about to sit our finals and hand in dissertations (he dumped me the week mine was due) so stress levels at an all time high. I had been being too demanding I think and nagging at things that didn't need to be nagged about, not really giving him enough space. I was nagging at him for smoking on nights out and not really appreciating how much he had cut down to only smoke on nights out. I accept that I took it too far and should have shown more appreciation instead of pushing for more and being too uptight. When we met he had a really bad weed habit and had f*cked up his 2nd year at uni. I helped him get off it and he's done really well since, so I think in the back of my mind I've always remembered his troubles and not known when helping turned to pushing. I had also recently been making a bit of his fuss when he went out with his friends and other dumb stuff that feels ridiculous now I've had time to reflect on it - I put it down to stress. I missed the signs that it was pushing him to the limit so when he broke up with me one morning after a petty argument it felt completely out of the blue and I was heartbroken. We hadn't been arguing most of the time, and usually it was as perfect as it always was. We had just booked a summer holiday together and had planned our anniversary in a few days. He says it wasn't out of the blue and he loves me and didn't want to do it but felt like he had made his decision and wasn't changing his mind...I maintain it was slightly out of the blue as we had argued the week before and I got angrier than I needed to and he said "please don't break up with me, I can't live without you". (I never would've done and I didn't threaten to). We were planning on living together next year too and the week before he was certain that was what he wanted, so I struggle fully believing this was a completely thought-through decision. I was in pieces, have been at home since barely eating, sleeping, and doing no work at this pretty critical time.

So immediately after the breakup I did the classic begging him not to leave and the next day over text continued. He reaffirmed that he wouldn't change his mind. I quickly stopped begging after gaining some online insight and it made sense that was the worst thing to do since one of the problems was a lack of space and freedom I had given him. Since then we have had limited contact. He messaged me a couple of days later to check how I was and admitting it was a rash decision but that he had made the decision in his head, then a few days after that asking how my dissertation had gone and that he had been thinking about me. I carried on the conversation, didn't ignore him, but he would always cut the chat off after a few messages. Proper mindf*ck but tried not to analyse it too much. We have messaged a couple of times since then but just casual and painful for me and he cut them off again. He went on a big night out with his friends a couple of nights ago, saw all the snapchats of him being very drunk, smoking and laughing...he looked quite happy though I'm not sure. I felt awful because I realised it didn't actually upset me to see him doing the things I had been moaning about...it really took this wake-up call for me to realise the arguments had been stupid and unnecessary. But I wasn't given a chance and was instead given the ultimatum.

We met up a couple of days ago and it didn't go that great. I was honest to him about all the things I'd reflected on, didn't cry or anything, while he sat there not talking much but crying his absolute eyes out and insisting that he wouldn't change his mind. I explained to him that I understood he saw this coming and had time to process it whereas to me it was a total shock...he told me that he didn't see it coming either and it wasn't something he'd been planning. So the thing that makes me quite distraught is that he really hadn't wanted this to end and just made the decision there and then, and despite being clearly very upset about it was not budging or allowing himself to go back on his decision. It all does scream immaturity to me, but I love him and want this to work obviously and now don't know what to do from here. I'm all too aware that we only have a few weeks left before we could slip away from each other completely.

So basically I'm asking what I should do next. I know I have to focus on myself and my exams but it really is torture. I also have reason to be concerned he's slipped back into old destructive coping mechanisms (weed) which is devastating for many reasons: 1) how far he's come from that 2) how much it ****ed his life up before 3) how he'll never see this for what it really is if he's numbing the pain in a haze of smoke. He's always been the dumper in his relationships and I feel now that when the going gets tough he maybe gives up, forces himself through the pain and moves on until it happens again. But I find it hard to believe he will find someone like me (we're not just any average couple) and even if he regrets it he won't let himself be weak and reach out (not seeing that reaching out is actually a strength here).

Sorry that was long. Appreciate any advice.

May 9, 2017

You need to focus on you and your school. That should be a priority. I know its hard. It will be a good distraction for you. Sounds like you really love and care for him and have been deeply hurt by him. If you trying reaching out again and he blows you off. I would let him go. If it is meant to be he will be back.

May 9, 2017

OP, much as this hurts, it's not true that he "didn't see this coming." All dumpers do, unless they are completely impulsive - in which case, they're not suitable candidates for long-term relationships, anyway. This had obviously crossed his mind before or he wouldn't have done it. He's telling you otherwise because he sees you're hurting.

It's thus also not entirely true that he didn't want this to end. If that were the case, he wouldn't be insisting on remaining apart right now. He might wish things had gone better so he didn't feel compelled to break it off, but his desire to be single outweighs his desire to remain in the relationship. People don't end relationships that they are happy in. And anyway, if he's the type who bails when the going gets tough, he's not ready for a serious relationship. But I sense you perhaps under-estimated how much the "silly little things" really bothered him, which leads me to my next point:

Nobody wants to feel parented or controlled in a relationship. If he felt you were nagging about smoking or hanging out with his friends, well, that kills attraction and breeds resentment. He's an adult and he's capable of making his own choices. That's not to say this is all your fault, either, but perhaps we need some more context: when you say you pushed him about smoking, what did you say or do? You mention he went out with his friends, but was he consistently prioritizing them over you? What happened in this argument last week when you got angrier than you needed to?

In any event, your best bet for now is to go No Contact, which includes social media. You need to concentrate on school, and seeing updates of him out and having a good ol' time isn't going to help.

May 9, 2017

Sounds like a lot of turmoil and fighting going on and that's not good right now when you need to keep your focus where it should be: on your exams, work, etc. No man is worth sacrificing your livelihood. Also, you can't fix him. He's got some unhealthy coping skills that he needs to deal with, but it's really got to come from him if it's going to stick (quitting something, that is). If he's only doing it for you...well, you know what that might lead to. He'll likely end up resenting you....if his smoking really bothers you it'll likely become a deal breaker if you guys get back together. Yeah, it does sound like when the going gets tough, he runs. Or smokes, or whatever. Sorry for your hurt.

May 9, 2017

OP, much as this hurts, it's not true that he "didn't see this coming." All dumpers do, unless they are completely impulsive - in which case, they're not suitable candidates for long-term relationships, anyway. This had obviously crossed his mind before or he wouldn't have done it. He's telling you otherwise because he sees you're hurting.

It's thus also not entirely true that he didn't want this to end. If that were the case, he wouldn't be insisting on remaining apart right now. He might wish things had gone better so he didn't feel compelled to break it off, but his desire to be single outweighs his desire to remain in the relationship. People don't end relationships that they are happy in. And anyway, if he's the type who bails when the going gets tough, he's not ready for a serious relationship. But I sense you perhaps under-estimated how much the "silly little things" really bothered him, which leads me to my next point:

Nobody wants to feel parented or controlled in a relationship. If he felt you were nagging about smoking or hanging out with his friends, well, that kills attraction and breeds resentment. He's an adult and he's capable of making his own choices. That's not to say this is all your fault, either, but perhaps we need some more context: when you say you pushed him about smoking, what did you say or do? You mention he went out with his friends, but was he consistently prioritizing them over you? What happened in this argument last week when you got angrier than you needed to?

In any event, your best bet for now is to go No Contact, which includes social media. You need to concentrate on school, and seeing updates of him out and having a good ol' time isn't going to help.

Thanks for your response. Truth hurts but suppose I need to be told and that was a factor in the relationship.

I agree that he must've known beforehand, I even said this to him when we met the other day, but I do question it when that was about the third time he denied it was a long process and also from how just like a week earlier when we argued he said he couldn't lose me and not to break up with him. So I'm stuck really knowing what is the truth. Could it even be that he broke up with me to avoid me ever breaking up with him...doesn't make much sense though.

I agree also that nobody wants to be parented and controlled. I wouldn't want to be and so I understand how my actions pushed him away. The thing I'm struggling with is that I know I'd got into bad habits and was under pressure from uni and perhaps our closeness. And it's true because I wasn't always like this - when we got together I entered a relationship with someone who was both a full-time smoker on top of smoking £70 worth of weed a week (not sustainable as a student - did very badly at uni despite being incredibly clever and had no money. since stopping he has had lots of money and been getting first-class results). It didn't start to bother me until a few months into the relationship when I grasped how serious it was. I understand that this probably looks like I wasn't being genuine as he never hid this part of him and I decided that I liked him then wanted to change bits. Thing is I always just thought I was helping him be him. The true fundamental characteristics of him were what I loved - he is incredibly caring, showed me what it felt like to be wanted and loved and to be intimate with someone and it mean something - something I had always been searching for. So I guess that's why I was/am so attached to him. And our feelings on this were always mutual.

Anyway back to your points. In terms of pushing him about smoking - he'd got to a point where he only smoked on social occasions and I didn't really acknowledge that as being a good thing enough. Instead, if I was out with him and he smoked I would pull a face and make it awkward for him. That was only really as far as it went until one event a few days before the breakup - we were going on a night out with friends and he started rolling a cigarette in the taxi and put it behind his ear. I got pissed off and took it off his ear and he said "can I have that back" and I said "no". When we got out of the taxi I was looking for something I had lost and in doing so accidentally dropped it on the floor. He got the wrong end of the stick and thought I'd thrown it on the floor and trampled on it and he got angry about that. He proceeded to pick it up and still smoke it so then I got angry about that because I thought is he really so desperate he'll pick up a wet cigarette off the floor and smoke it. So then we were arguing in the queue for the club (embarrassing, he was shouting at me loudly) and whilst doing so rolled up another cigarette which obviously was the icing on the cake for me as we were mid-argument about smoking. He told me that I need to understand that it isn't personal (I know it's not) but I told him he needed to understand that in that situation it really feels like it. But later on we made up and had a really nice night. And this is one of my last memories of us. I have to add, and I get this, that after nights out sometimes I smoke a bit of weed with him so he thinks I'm a hypocrite. I can kind of see it now.

In regards to hanging out with his friends - again the only proper incidents I can think of have all occurred pretty recently and weren't a recurring problem with us (am not a person to stop someone spending time with their friends). Just a couple of incidents hurt me and therefore I'd been worried when he left me to go out. The first - we had made plans for an evening but he got an offer to go to the pub which seemed a better offer for him. I was a bit peeved so he went but it was clear i was in a strop (so he was in a strop). Anyway the pub turned into a bender and he went on a proper night out whilst we were kind of arguing over text and he decided to just ignore my messages at one point. First time he'd ever done this to me and he knew what a big deal that was - when we got together we promised a) never to ghost and b) never to ignore. So obviously I was pretty heartbroken because I know he was up all night with his female friend. Obv I was never concerned of anything going on I just felt hurt that he knew I was upset and he just thought f*** her I'm going to have fun. We had a long old discussion about it the next day and sorted it out. He was very sorry. The second incident was quite close to the breakup and basically we hadn't seen each other in quite a while as I had gone home for the easter break. The evening I came back we had been invited to a mutual friend's party. We both agreed we would just go for a bit but then go home and spend time together because we missed each other (this was as much as his want as mine). However when we got there he was pretty steaming and stank of smoke and all the rest and decided he would rather spend the whole night with them. I didn't fancy a bit night out and didn't think we would so I was upset. He walked me home and it was fine - I said I'm not angry at him for wanting to be with his friends just kind of sad we weren't having the night we planned. We parted not angry at each other. I was messaging him a bit after and asked if he could come round afterwards instead (we live round the corner from each other) not wanting to spoil his night, but he flat out refused. Again very apologetic the next day and admitted he needed to be less self-centred sometimes especially when I'm drunk. This was the situation where I maybe got angrier than I needed to, and he begged me not to break up with him.

And those are the main incidents and unsurprisingly they always involve alcohol. I think therefore alcohol became a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy for us. He automatically doesn't like me that much when he's drinking because he expects that I'm going to be moody because he's drunk. (I'm not really a drinker).

May 9, 2017

The bad stuff all happened recently. But in between those occasions we were just as close and loving as always.

I think I'd just got to a point where I'd forgotten to have fun. But in a few weeks now when exams are over I know I'd be different and we could have made some amazing memories which we had been planning.

This was my first relationship and I have learnt a lot about myself. I just wish I had had the opportunity to right these wrongs without being dumped.

May 9, 2017

It's a transition period for you both School is ending. Stress is at an all time high.

Sorry his timing sucked but he was realizing he didn't want to take his college GF into the real world with him.

Best wishes on your exams.

You are now entering the next phase of your life as free woman.

May 9, 2017

It's a transition period for you both School is ending. Stress is at an all time high.

Sorry his timing sucked but he was realizing he didn't want to take his college GF into the real world with him.

Best wishes on your exams.

You are now entering the next phase of your life as free woman.

Yep. Points taken.

The irritating thing is that in terms of 'real world', we didn't have many dreams yet. We both knew we wanted to get some kind of job and stay in the city for the next year while our friends are still here because we have fun here, but we were bored of living the student life (our flatmates are gross) and wanted somewhere nice for ourselves. I now see his current flatmate tagging him in potential house shares. I also don't see why I should let this breakup destroy all my plans so I'll have to find some friends to live with too. So it's quite likely that we'll end up still here, near each other, but both living how we both knew we didn't want to. Whyyyyyyyyy

May 10, 2017

Eugh how can it not feel any better after 3 weeks.

May 10, 2017

3 weeks isn't very long, particularly when you didn't want this break-up to happen. You'll need to be more patient with yourself, in the sense that you'll have some good days and some bad days.

As you adjust to being single and free again, you will find that it gets easier - in my experience, allowing yourself to grieve but also having some new goals and activities to look forward to helps.

May 13, 2017

Today's entry to my LS diary.

Struggling to accept it's over still...but it is over. It really definitely is over.

We had some communication today. First discussion with some tension since the BU. Both got some things out but I remain confused. Well, I dunno how I feel.

The conversation wasn't intended to get emotional but it did. He said he didn't understand why I would dwell on it and try to blame myself. I said you might understand if you had been blindsided-ly dumped. He said it was hardly blindsided...this annoyed me because he still isn't understanding how I didn't expect it. He said he reached a point where he could not see it working in any capacity...yes, this is true mate, but he never said this to me. Am I supposed to just guess this?

I tried to maintain my cool, explain that surely he must see it from my perspective...a week earlier he had been saying he couldn't lose me. He said he does see it from my perspective even though I don't think he does. (reading back through this...he had literally just proved he didn't understand my perspective by saying it was hardly blindsiding).

I told him ultimately I didn't want to look back with resentment because we did a hell of a lot together with a lot of love. He said that's why it hurts when I said we can't be friends...because for the last year i've been the only person he's really cared about, and I was so good for him and made him sort his life out. This is where I'm confused...torn between thinking if he means all this or if he's trying to alleviate some of the pain for himself. This isn't one of those situations where he's trying to keep me as 'plan B', but I do worry that some of it is guilt-related. He said he cares too much about me to just break off any kind of tie. I told him he must see how crushing the word 'friend' feels.

He said he would continue to care about me and that he'd show me that if I let him, just not in the capacity of a relationship. It would be unfair to promise me anything else. I told him it would obviously be hideous to pretend to love me when he doesn't. I told him that yes, I did help him pull himself together... that was me sticking by him when I felt the strain, because I always saw the potential in him and us. I told him it was sad that it didn't work out when I needed that the other way round. I told him that because of that maybe this is better in the long run and there was growing up to be done before either of us enter another relationship. I told him he has the opportunity to show me he cares about me as a human being, and it is reciprocated.

I no longer have any faith that this man will ever be mine again. He won't. It is killing me but it is the truth. But at this point I don't think banishing him from my life will make me feel much better, because it's just not something I do and we're both down to earth people. I think maybe i have gained some of the control back, by him saying he wants to prove to me that he cares. Maybe the best thing now is for me to leave it so he can do that. & if he was just saying that to relieve guilt, and doesn't follow through, then I won't have been weak. I will have let him and he will have been the one to not stick to his word. I'm not going after him but at the same time I am not going to ignore him. I'm no longer trying to win him back. What do you think?

Still, feel awful. I hate the thought of never having him by my side again. He'll never look at me with love again.

May 13, 2017

You don't necessarily need to banish him forever, but you do need significant time and space away from him. I think you need to go No Contact, at least for a good long while. You're still in love with him, he no longer feels the same, so being friends isn't a good idea right now. It will hurt you too much. You say you hope he proves that he cares, but how will that really benefit you? Now isn't the time for that, because if he does show you care and consideration, he won't be doing it for the goal of reconciliation, but you will be hoping that it means he wants you back. It isn't going to make you feel better, ultimately.

The same goes for trying to get him to see the break-up from your perspective. Even if he did suddenly acknowledge that you felt blindsided, it unfortunately doesn't change anything. He still doesn't want to continue dating. I don't mean to be harsh; I simply want to point out that focusing on this point is a waste of your emotional energy.

I know it's hard. I remember my first significant break-up and it was difficult. But you will slowly get used to a new normal of living without him. It takes time and you will have good and bad days. But with more space away from him, you will get there. I promise!

May 13, 2017

You don't necessarily need to banish him forever, but you do need significant time and space away from him. I think you need to go No Contact, at least for a good long while. You're still in love with him, he no longer feels the same, so being friends isn't a good idea right now. It will hurt you too much. You say you hope he proves that he cares, but how will that really benefit you? Now isn't the time for that, because if he does show you care and consideration, he won't be doing it for the goal of reconciliation, but you will be hoping that it means he wants you back. It isn't going to make you feel better, ultimately.

The same goes for trying to get him to see the break-up from your perspective. Even if he did suddenly acknowledge that you felt blindsided, it unfortunately doesn't change anything. He still doesn't want to continue dating. I don't mean to be harsh; I simply want to point out that focusing on this point is a waste of your emotional energy.

I know it's hard. I remember my first significant break-up and it was difficult. But you will slowly get used to a new normal of living without him. It takes time and you will have good and bad days. But with more space away from him, you will get there. I promise!

Everything you say makes so much sense & usually I'm such a logical person. So it's quite amazing the power your emotions can have over your mind when it comes down to it... (i'm a psychology student)

May 25, 2017

Was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on something that's been playing on my mind.

A few days before we split up I was in possession of his house key and I lost it (same time as the club queue incident lol). It's a complex key that opens multiple doors and I wasn't able to get a cheap key cut to replace it so he'd been getting his housemates to let him in. He needed to get a replacement from the landlord which is expensive but he dumped me before he had a chance to do it.

I don't want to break no contact really but I can't get off my mind that I owe him that money. I don't know exactly how much it is but could be like £30 with these student landlords so enough for me to feel a duty to offer him the money. Should I send him a message or no?

May 25, 2017

Was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on something that's been playing on my mind.

A few days before we split up I was in possession of his house key and I lost it (same time as the club queue incident lol). It's a complex key that opens multiple doors and I wasn't able to get a cheap key cut to replace it so he'd been getting his housemates to let him in. He needed to get a replacement from the landlord which is expensive but he dumped me before he had a chance to do it.

I don't want to break no contact really but I can't get off my mind that I owe him that money. I don't know exactly how much it is but could be like £30 with these student landlords so enough for me to feel a duty to offer him the money. Should I send him a message or no?

Do you know where you could send the money to him? I wouldn't contact him though. I wouldn't bother with asking him about the key either. It just might give you more of a reason to break down and contact him while you're vulnerable.

May 25, 2017

Do you know where you could send the money to him? I wouldn't contact him though. I wouldn't bother with asking him about the key either. It just might give you more of a reason to break down and contact him while you're vulnerable.

Yeah I can just bank transfer the money. The only thing is I have no idea how much to send. It could be as little as a tenner but then some landlords charge up to £40 for replacement keys. So the contact would literally only be to find out how much it cost. Maybe I'll leave it a bit longer and ask him about it when things aren't so weird between us.

May 25, 2017

Sorry you're going through this and that he decided to make a decision about your relationship went you were about to do your dissertation. I think that it makes sense what you are doing, though I would not have any contact with him for awhile. I think once he understands what it's like to not have you to talk to online or in person, he'll come around. I'm not really sure that's what you want though. I think you need someone that's more suited to you. You're young and smart, it shouldn't take much to find someone else.

May 25, 2017

Sorry you're going through this and that he decided to make a decision about your relationship went you were about to do your dissertation. I think that it makes sense what you are doing, though I would not have any contact with him for awhile. I think once he understands what it's like to not have you to talk to online or in person, he'll come around. I'm not really sure that's what you want though. I think you need someone that's more suited to you. You're young and smart, it shouldn't take much to find someone else.

Thanks highwayman, that was nice to hear. Yeah, i'm definitely sticking to no contact for a while. I'm trying to concentrate on my exams, heal, address some of the ways I think I'd lost myself but without dumping any of my emotions on him and letting him get on with things. If the time apart makes him think differently, that would be nice. But if not, and he really can't see a way to work on this, then I'll know we weren't supposed to be together and he's not right for me. All I can do is help myself for now.

May 25, 2017

Have any mutual acquaintances who could act as your go-between? You could have that person contact your ex and get the payment details for you without breaking no contact... or give that person enough cash to pay him for the key on the spot, and bring back the change.

Even though it may mean nothing to him, sometimes it's these seemingly unimportant bits of unfinished business that can hold us back from moving on.

May 25, 2017

Have any mutual acquaintances who could act as your go-between? You could have that person contact your ex and get the payment details for you without breaking no contact... or give that person enough cash to pay him for the key on the spot, and bring back the change.

Even though it may mean nothing to him, sometimes it's these seemingly unimportant bits of unfinished business that can hold us back from moving on.

That's a good point. I already have his bank details just need to know how much to ping over so I could ask one of his housemates. Wondering if he'd find that a bit weird thinking I could've just asked him. But yes, this is one of those things that could hold me back. We've always been pretty equal and paid our share of everything we did together & I haaaaate owing money. Especially for something that was my dumb fault. Goes against my morals.

May 25, 2017

I sent him a brief message about the key. He said how much it was and I said i'd send it and he refused, told me not to because he'd just send it back. I guess he would have felt too bad letting me pay for a stupid key when he trampled on my heart but I had to offer for my own sake, haha. We spoke a little bit. He asked how I'd been getting on, if i would "actually reply this time" (I had ignored his last message). It was said in jest so I had to bite my tongue and not bring up how in the limited conversation we had he'd always just cut it off after a few exchanges without a goodbye and I was trying to avoid myself that pain. The last conversation we had was a bit heated so I think it was good to move past that a bit. We chatted a bit then he just stopped replying again, so.... back to no contact lol.

ahhh 21 year old boys. I don't feel so good. But I don't have to worry about the money now so resume moving on.

Edited May 25, 2017 by metrognome

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