She called it Fun Friends

[Humantk]

Ok so co-worker and I become attracted to each other. We kissed first on easter. Then nothing for a while, but she came out to watch me play guitar and sing a week ago and we kissed again. In the last week since we've had sex twice. She said before the first time she just wanted to be "Fun" friends. I said I thought I could do that. The first time we had sex was good, but it was outdoors in semi public so it was quick. The second time was in a bed on friday night and it was really good.

 

We speak a lot through the day, everyday even if we arnt going to see each other. Just random conversations. Last night she asked if she could come over. She had had a really bad day. I said sure. She comes over and looks like she had a bad day. So I put on a movie, we hold hands and she eventually ends up with her head on my chest while I hold her. The movie ends and she goes to leave so I hug her and say goodnight.

 

Now she definitely knew I had feelings for her, because before we became friends with benefits, I told her I really liked her. She said she really liked me but was afraid she'd hurt me. And that she wasnt in a place where she could have a relationship. So I said ok but that I needed some time not speaking to her to move past my feelings. We didnt talk for a day, but she came and hung out at our job for a couple hours. I tried not talking to her, and was pretty good about it till the end, when I couldnt avoid her. It wasnt weird though. She came to my show the next day and things started moving faster. She admitted a reason she didnt want to date me bc she cheated on her last 2 boyfriends. Which helped me be ok with friends with benefits. I came out of a 5 year relationship months ago and hadnt had sex since.

 

But being as I am kinda green again, 5 years with one person is quite sometime. Would her coming over and using me as emotional support be in a usual friends with benefits relationship? I realize that I need to talk this out with her, we havnt talked about rules... I havnt wanted to make it too serious for her too quick but I guess that time is now. Any suggestions?

[PegNosePete]

Many people forget the "friends" part of "friends with benefits".

 

The important part here is that she has made it very clear that she is never going to have a relationship with you. If you can handle that, then carry on. If you can't handle the friends part without the feelings part then it's going to be a problem.

[ExpatInItaly]

When she says she'll hurt you and that she isn't looking for a relationship, well, you need to believe her.

 

And yes, some people will use a FWB for emotional support and distraction even without having serious intentions with the person. This is likely why she said she told you she will hurt you. You're developing feelings and you hope there is some deeper significance to her looking for comfort from you, while she was clear that she doesn't want a boyfriend and she has trouble being monogamous.

 

I would take her at her word and keep your distance. Any time someone has told me they would probably hurt me...they turned out to be right.

[LonelyJedi]

Ask yourself if you could handle keeping this up for much longer.

 

You could continue along this "fun" friends path if you wish, just be sure that you can handle all of the emotions that come along with it. If she gets a boyfriend in the next couple weeks/months, will you be OK with that?

 

 

Also, if she has admitted to cheating on her past two boyfriends, I would take that as a red flag and walk away. However, if you really do want this person as a girlfriend then I would ask her what drove her to cheat. They say that people cheat because they are looking for something that they aren't currently getting from the relationship. Perhaps if you could find out what those things were, you may be able to provide those things to her to reduce her chances of cheating.

 

Just remember-

"When you start rationalizing and accepting a cheater's behavior/excuses, you start playing a game of how low can you go."

 

 

On a personal note, I fully understand how you feel, my ex-fiance left me after 5yrs a couple months ago. Incredibly heartbroken

[KBob]

The fact that she told you she's cheated on two boyfriends should make you completely ok with being nothing more than friends since she isn't a viable candidate for a relationship. Cheat once? Possibly a regrettable and non-repeatable mistake. Cheat twice? Pattern; she'll do it again.

 

You have great sex together, enjoy it and don't become attached. If she leans on you for emotional support too hard, tell her to back it off because that's not the arrangement you have with each other.

[smackie9]

FWB is very grey/fuzzy borders......you have to set boundaries/rules, like about sleeping with others, how much time you spend together outside the bedroom, what things you will or will not be doing like going out on dates, or being her emotional tamp0$, can you date others, what happens when one of you gets feelings and wants more, when you meet someone else, what situations will encourage a breakup, etc.

 

She clearly told you this will not be anymore than what it is so that is out of the way. All the other stuff I mentioned needs to be addressed so there is no confusion and nobody gets hurt.

[RecentChange]

Boy, this is a tricky situation, and honestly I see you getting hurt.

 

It's hard for most people to have sex with the same person and not become emotionally attached. It takes a conscious effort, and I am my experience keeping a mutually agreed upon emotional distance.

 

You have feelings for her, she is using you for emotional support and comfort, which will increase your feelings for her.

 

Plus sex, especially if it is good is going to be releasing all those pair bonding hormones.

 

Are you going to be okay if she starts seeing someone else? If she gets distant? If she says she doesn't feel the same way you do?

 

For me, I could be "pals" with my FWB. Enjoy some conversation, some laughs, even dinner - but emotional support? That would make it too complicated for me.

[GunslingerRoland]

Fun Friends? I don't know I don't think this is going to end up being very Fun for you, being a play toy for someone you have feelings for, who by the sounds of it, may not be capable of truly reciprocating feelings with anyone.

 

This may be a band-aid that you need to tear off now, before it gets worse.

[preraph]

Her saying the reason she doesn't want to get serious is because she cheated on the last two guys is a load of bull. That was just her way of saying she's seeing other guys or trying to and not willing to give that up for you. It's not because she's afraid of hurting you. She just doesn't want to get tied down.

[Miss Spider]

I see nothing but FWB here. She is keeping her options open but spinning you >.<. Also, when someone tells you they would wind up hurting you, I suggest you take their word for it/

Edited May 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough