darkpink Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Despite having been married for three years, when I think about a particular ex I was with for five years, I still feel a grudge although the break-up was also five years ago. I consider it the kind of break-up that shattered my self-esteem. When I find myself in that grudge mode, I always imagine breaking up with him first. But I know at that time, I held on to the relationship because I thought he was the best for me. Has anyone else felt this kind of grudge? How do you get over it? Thanks.
Maldives Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Despite having been married for three years, when I think about a particular ex I was with for five years, I still feel a grudge although the break-up was also five years ago. I consider it the kind of break-up that shattered my self-esteem. When I find myself in that grudge mode, I always imagine breaking up with him first. But I know at that time, I held on to the relationship because I thought he was the best for me. Has anyone else felt this kind of grudge? How do you get over it? Thanks. Yes I have lol. Amazing how the breakup can cause feelings that linger on for yrs. I've lout both my parents and oftenjoy say that the pain of a break up is worse by 10 times
Soak Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 You might think that he is worth more in your mind than he actually is. Eg, if he weren't all that good, you'd have less problem letting go, and would therefore not hold a grudge. I think the precursor to letting go is to realise that they were not as good as you built them up to be. In other words, think more of yourself and you will naturally rise above it, in time. Start thinking of yourself... I actually agree with my 'ex' in my head when i heard the words 'lets break up'.. I should have said 'yeah, that's right, what a great idea'! and blown her game right out of the water. I am starting to think like that, it helps. 1
basil67 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 So this grudge.....Is it because he was a great guy who ended it with you against your wishes? Or is it because with hindsight, you realise he was treating you badly? If he hadn't ended the relationship, do you think you'd be perfectly happy with him still?
Chi townD Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 I think you need to finally forgive him and forgive yourself. You just need to tell yourself that you forgive what ever happened and let it go! You've been holding onto this for so long. Just let it go! Do you think that he spends his day holding a grudge against you? You think it's consuming his day? Probably not. So, why should you? Just forgive and let go.
michaelfisher Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 time heals everything... it works for me. Maybe because after a break-up I don't see my ex girlfriends, and don't communicate with them
LonelyJedi Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Time may heal wounds, but the memories will never fade... especially if they were impactful to you. You just need to remember the bad times and why you guys broke up in the first place. I know how you feel.
Author darkpink Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 So this grudge.....Is it because he was a great guy who ended it with you against your wishes? Or is it because with hindsight, you realise he was treating you badly? If he hadn't ended the relationship, do you think you'd be perfectly happy with him still? There were things we did out of shared interests and youth that I don't do with my husband, so sometimes I feel I'd have more fun if I was still with him. On the other hand, I realise that he didn't treat me as well as my husband does because he was this perfectionist narcissist. But I didn't have enough self-appreciation to realise it at the time and just walk away. Hence, the grudge is me wishing I had left him first for the sake of my self-esteem.
magnesium Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Hence, the grudge is me wishing I had left him first for the sake of my self-esteem. Hindsight is 20/20. It not fair to punish ourselves for the mistakes we made in the past, with our now present level of knowledge and awareness. If you had known better back then, you would have walked away. But...don't beat yourself up, for every human falls into this trap. That's why you forgive yourself and take the lessons you learn. 1
Chi townD Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 There were things we did out of shared interests and youth that I don't do with my husband, so sometimes I feel I'd have more fun if I was still with him. On the other hand, I realise that he didn't treat me as well as my husband does because he was this perfectionist narcissist. But I didn't have enough self-appreciation to realise it at the time and just walk away. Hence, the grudge is me wishing I had left him first for the sake of my self-esteem. Then, I don't see what the problem is. This guy, apparently treated you like dirt. But, he was willing to do fun things with you. You're husband treats you like gold in comparison to your Ex. Yet, you find him not as adventurous. Treating you like dirty is a character flaw. And he will remain that way until he makes the determination to fix himself. But, if he doesn't realize it's a problem, that behavior will continue. Not, being adventurous, well, that's an easy fix. Sometimes people don't feel like doing certain things, but if you get them off their ass and have them come along. 7/10 they're going to say to you, "You know what? That was kind of fun! I enjoyed myself". In my opinion, you got the better deal than your Ex.
Blanco Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 It's all about perspective. Without your ex's behavior, it's unlikely you would've linked up with your husband. So while his behavior was unkind, he inadvertently opened the path for you to travel down that led to someone you theoretically love enough to spend your life with. I would be careful about devoting too much emotional space for your ex, good or bad. It isn't fair to the man who's agreed to love you for the rest of your life.
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 I don't hold any grudges with any exes at this point. Now, my last ex, for about 2 years I did hold a grudge against him, and it would often make me angry to think of him. But I eventually got over it, and he's just not on my radar anymore. Are you really affected by the grudge against your ex, or is it just a passing feeling?
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