Saw ex again after a year and it went badly

May 8, 2017

Been broken up for more than a year now and no contact since June last year. We ended horribly which I've documented before in other threads. Saw her yesterday and she pretty much pretended to not know me even though I'm pretty certain she made sure we crossed paths. Then her dumb friend came up to me and told me how happy she is and that her new guy spoils her so much and just recently took her to Italy.

I still have feelings for her though they've diminished and it's been driving me crazy

May 8, 2017

It didn't go badly. So her friend said something to you that was intended to offend you. What matters in life isn't what happens to you; it's mostly a matter of how you react to it.

You don't indicate that you acted badly, so I'd say that it went exceptionally well.

May 8, 2017

When someone has to go out of their way to tell you how "happy" they are, there's a good chance that they're not as "happy" as they claim. So, take solace in that.

But, you need to work on you! Have some adventures of your own. Take a trip somewhere. Go to the Bahamas or to Key West. Or go to London or Madrid. Make some good memories for yourself. Some new memories that you can look back on.

Life isn't over, Dude. It's just starting for you.

May 8, 2017

A person who is truly happy dosen't have the need to show anyone that they are happy.

May 8, 2017

A person who is truly happy doesn't have the need to show anyone that they are happy.

BUT SHE didn't say anything to Jagged about being happy or not.

She totally ignored her all together.

Jagged, this was a mess from day one.

Flip flopping boyfriends, secrecy and drama...

YOU need to let it all go and move on.

May 8, 2017

Been broken up for more than a year now and no contact since June last year. We ended horribly which I've documented before in other threads. Saw her yesterday and she pretty much pretended to not know me even though I'm pretty certain she made sure we crossed paths. Then her dumb friend came up to me and told me how happy she is and that her new guy spoils her so much and just recently took her to Italy.

I still have feelings for her though they've diminished and it's been driving me crazy

It's all a game dude me and my ex play that game everyday at work where we work togetter some days she does it better some days I do....it won't mean **** in 10 yrs lol..it'll all be just a memory a faded memory for now where still healing.

You played it well by not showing any emotion and never do its not worth it fake it till u make it

May 8, 2017

It sounds like your ex is still bitter...really bitter to be frank.

And the fact her friend had to go out of his own way to throw his '2 cents' in is all the more hilarious.

This girl isn't worth taking to Olive Garden, let alone Italy.

She is purposely trying to diminish you to make herself feel better.

May 8, 2017

BUT SHE didn't say anything to Jagged about being happy or not.
She totally ignored her all together.

Jagged, this was a mess from day one.
Flip flopping boyfriends, secrecy and drama...
YOU need to let it all go and move on.

I absolutely agree with you Elaine, I've been trying to do just that. There's been NC and she's been blocked off all social media so that I'm not tempted to play her immature games. It's hard to not care about someone who in some capacity I've loved for more than half my life. So to hear that she's got everything she ever wanted with someone else is hard to hear.

It didn't go badly. So her friend said something to you that was intended to offend you. What matters in life isn't what happens to you; it's mostly a matter of how you react to it.

You don't indicate that you acted badly, so I'd say that it went exceptionally well.

I didn't react at all, just did she wanted which was pretend not to have seen each other or acknowledge the other. Even when her friend was telling me that stuff I kept quiet and walked away. I don't want or need drama

May 8, 2017

It's all a game dude me and my ex play that game everyday at work where we work togetter some days she does it better some days I do....it won't mean **** in 10 yrs lol..it'll all be just a memory a faded memory for now where still healing.
You played it well by not showing any emotion and never do its not worth it fake it till u make it

We played games for months too until I cut it off completely. I didn't want to be that person anymore.

May 22, 2017

It really feels like every time I try to move on something pulls me back. I bumped into a mutual friend today and chatted for a bit. No one really mentions my ex but she did, said did I hear that things are going so well with her and her new bf. He's moved cities to be with her. My heart just sank. I said no, we don't keep in touch anymore and then left.

I know we're done and she's very happy. Still gutting to hear it and then it makes me feel like a failure because I haven't moved on.

May 22, 2017

It really feels like every time I try to move on something pulls me back. I bumped into a mutual friend today and chatted for a bit. No one really mentions my ex but she did, said did I hear that things are going so well with her and her new bf. He's moved cities to be with her. My heart just sank. I said no, we don't keep in touch anymore and then left.

I know we're done and she's very happy. Still gutting to hear it and then it makes me feel like a failure because I haven't moved on.

Som points to consider mainly to help u i struggle wth these scenarios as well...

1 this friend not much of a friend to not hav an awareness that telling u somthing like that wouldn't upset u....

2..maybe ur ex knows this friend gossips so she passes on information to her about how happy she is (how do u know she is? Even if she shows it externalises it wat definate proof do u have? Som people are good at faking it also usually people that have to put there happiness on show are rarely that..)

3..say she is fair enough all u can do is stew in that feeling till it fades know that one day the next soulmate will be waiting for u maybe not immediately and maybe u gotta go thru a few hood rats to get there i find they usually come around every 3 yrs or so...learn ur lessons get counselling why? Key thing here aftrr many failed relationships of my own ...so u dont sabotage the next relationship wth past baggage.

4 realise that som things are out of your control and u can't do much about it hopefully that alone can help a little wth processing the feelings that r coming up and let those feelings surface so they can be released from ur mind and body...feel the feelings critical if u can instigate crying g the better..crying has been shown to reduce blood pressure and stress and I believe release the emotions. The more u can cry the quicker the feeling will go for real no joke....the worst thing is for u or someone to give u advice to just let it go lol there not in ur shoes and it's normal feeling like that I felt it many a time its horrible but it will pass in time the trick is get rid of the damage and baggage she caused "key" so u dont trip up the next great chick. I hope this helped dude and care and just be real about how it's made u feel

Edited May 22, 2017 by Goodguy05

May 22, 2017

I think your ex is "Facebook" happy, and while a trip to Italy with a fawning boyfriend sounds nice, having that with the wrong person might drive you nuts.

Not that any of this means you are the right person or he's the wrong one.

As for this:

No one really mentions my ex but she did, said did I hear that things are going so well with her and her new bf.

You need to have a few of these in your arsenal:

Well, I know all too well what it takes to make her happy and I feel bad for the guy. Luckily, that's his problem.

It will make you feel better to say stuff like that out loud, and people will stop talking to you about her.

You just need more time and less news. You can't measure your progress against anybody else's, especially not an ex. Just remember, you didn't fail - the relationship did. You succeeded because it failed, even if it wasn't your idea or you weren't ready for it. That is the gospel truth.

May 22, 2017

It's sad when people act like they don't know each other.

I think people do that when they are unhappy.

May 22, 2017

This clearly isn't a good mutual friend. Anyone with middle school common sense would use caution in mentioning an ex around someone. This person should not have mentioned your ex around you period. At the very least she could have tested the waters by asking if you guys still talked. You telling her "No." Should be enough of a clue for her to not reveal any details or embellishments of your ex's life.

It's just another set back Jagged100. You've had better days before and you'll eventually have better days again with time. Sorry you're hurting

May 23, 2017

I think your ex is "Facebook" happy, and while a trip to Italy with a fawning boyfriend sounds nice, having that with the wrong person might drive you nuts.

Not that any of this means you are the right person or he's the wrong one.

As for this:

You need to have a few of these in your arsenal:

It will make you feel better to say stuff like that out loud, and people will stop talking to you about her.

You just need more time and less news. You can't measure your progress against anybody else's, especially not an ex. Just remember, you didn't fail - the relationship did. You succeeded because it failed, even if it wasn't your idea or you weren't ready for it. That is the gospel truth.

Cheers, like the regional part of me agrees competely with you. I think subconsciously I've been waiting for her to come back, even though I know how bad things had gotten. I need to use this as the final blow and move on once and for all. I do think she's happy, not just Facebook happy. He wouldn't have moved cities if it was all for show. It hurts a ton but I have to just accept and use this as fuel to move forward.

You're right, I need to remember all the bad stuff. I've been romanticizing the relationship in my head.

It's easy to say I didn't fail but it sure does feel like it when your ex goes from being your best friend and lover to a stranger who hates you in a few weeks.

May 23, 2017

It's sad when people act like they don't know each other.

I think people do that when they are unhappy.

I think she hates me, nothing to do with her being unhappy.

May 23, 2017

A person who is truly happy dosen't have the need to show anyone that they are happy.

I agree with this. A person that is truly happy has enough to share it with others, not diminish others. Take it as a self confidence boost. If you're sure she intended to cross paths, she likely needed some ego boost, expecting a reaction to fulfill that ego, because she isn't doing so great.

Besides, if she's right that she gets spoiled, it's not going to last. Most enablers end up not being enough for those that are enabled.

May 23, 2017

I agree with this. A person that is truly happy has enough to share it with others, not diminish others. Take it as a self confidence boost. If you're sure she intended to cross paths, she likely needed some ego boost, expecting a reaction to fulfill that ego, because she isn't doing so great.

Besides, if she's right that she gets spoiled, it's not going to last. Most enablers end up not being enough for those that are enabled.

Maybe that's true but I can't think about that anymore. Her new boyfriend has moved to be with her, that's a big deal and I can see her marrying this guy. She told me in the beginning that he gave her everything I never did.

May 23, 2017

She told me in the beginning that he gave her everything I never did.

^^That is just a messed up dig to try to hurt you. My ex said that same s**** to me. I guarantee she prob still isn't with that guy, if she is I feel sorry for the guy (she even moved across the country to be with him). Nonetheless, I think your ex has been trying to intentionally hurt you post break up. I know it's difficult but try not to let her win at this. We can't control our emotions in a sense but I would def make d*** sure none of her friends could tell she's still hurting you/ getting under your skin

May 23, 2017

^^That is just a messed up dig to try to hurt you. My ex said that same s**** to me. I guarantee she prob still isn't with that guy, if she is I feel sorry for the guy (she even moved across the country to be with him). Nonetheless, I think your ex has been trying to intentionally hurt you post break up. I know it's difficult but try not to let her win at this. We can't control our emotions in a sense but I would def make d*** sure none of her friends could tell she's still hurting you/ getting under your skin

I know she was trying to hurt me and that hasn't really stopped. I haven't let it show, I just keep quiet and shrug it off in public. I don't want her to have the satisfaction. It's insane that the people who claim to once love us, can then become someone who hurts us deliberately.

May 23, 2017

It really feels like every time I try to move on something pulls me back. I bumped into a mutual friend today and chatted for a bit. No one really mentions my ex but she did, said did I hear that things are going so well with her and her new bf. He's moved cities to be with her. My heart just sank. I said no, we don't keep in touch anymore and then left.

I know we're done and she's very happy. Still gutting to hear it and then it makes me feel like a failure because I haven't moved on.

Then move on! We are in charge of our own happiness. That's on you! It seems to me that the break up happened and then she demonized you in her head. Dude, that's par for the course! She's going to demonize you to justify the break up in her head! Harder to walk away from someone you like!

You need to go out into the world, do things that make you happy. Have adventures, do things that are going to make incredible memories. Wouldn't it be nice knowing that if your Ex inquired about you, your friend could say, "I don't know. Haven't seen him. The last I heard is that he learning to surf in Southern California" or "White water rafting in West Virginia" or "Diving the Great Barrier Reef" or "Backpacking through Thailand" or "Climbing Mount Fuji or Mount Kilimanjaro". Just save, make a plan and walk out your front door!

May 23, 2017

It's easy to say I didn't fail but it sure does feel like it when your ex goes from being your best friend and lover to a stranger who hates you in a few weeks.

I've been there, it's happened to me twice, and all I can say is that people who intentionally try to wound you have been hurt by you. When it gets like that, and a lot of time has passed, and this treatment doesn't abate, it might be impossible to ever know for sure exactly what it was that you did or how they were wounded. It might be impossible to ever reconcile or come to peace with that person. But you can be sure of one thing - they are carrying you around inside of them.

For me, with one, I never had the peace of knowing what the problem really was. It could have been any of a handful of things, and once we were done, there was no way to have a dialogue about it. Even her father tried to broker a peace between us but could not. She was not willing. I cared about that one too, and like you, the enmity really bothered me, from the beginning. It's been decades, and it still feels bad, like I wish I'd known what to do to fix it.

As for the other one, I didn't give a damn, and when I finally asked her what her problem was, she told me that she hated me because the way I ruined our relationship made it impossible for her to be with me, like I basically ruined everything except her love for me. The way she described it, it was like she wanted this thing with me and she felt that it was worse than me saying no, that I'd stolen it from her and ruined it. She also hated herself for not being able to let go of it. She did not like me, but there was a very little part of her that loved me intensely. That's what made her hate me. I think she felt tortured by that, and blamed me for how she felt.

I'll bet something like that is going on with your ex, maybe not exactly, but something. I'll also say that I'm not sure you can be truly happy if you carry something like that around inside you.

May 23, 2017

Then move on! We are in charge of our own happiness. That's on you! It seems to me that the break up happened and then she demonized you in her head. Dude, that's par for the course! She's going to demonize you to justify the break up in her head! Harder to walk away from someone you like!

You need to go out into the world, do things that make you happy. Have adventures, do things that are going to make incredible memories. Wouldn't it be nice knowing that if your Ex inquired about you, your friend could say, "I don't know. Haven't seen him. The last I heard is that he learning to surf in Southern California" or "White water rafting in West Virginia" or "Diving the Great Barrier Reef" or "Backpacking through Thailand" or "Climbing Mount Fuji or Mount Kilimanjaro". Just save, make a plan and walk out your front door!

I absolutely agree with this and you're so right. I have kind of been in limbo, but I need to just jump right into new experiences and stop letting her get in my head.

Thank you!

May 23, 2017

I've been there, it's happened to me twice, and all I can say is that people who intentionally try to wound you have been hurt by you. When it gets like that, and a lot of time has passed, and this treatment doesn't abate, it might be impossible to ever know for sure exactly what it was that you did or how they were wounded. It might be impossible to ever reconcile or come to peace with that person. But you can be sure of one thing - they are carrying you around inside of them.

For me, with one, I never had the peace of knowing what the problem really was. It could have been any of a handful of things, and once we were done, there was no way to have a dialogue about it. Even her father tried to broker a peace between us but could not. She was not willing. I cared about that one too, and like you, the enmity really bothered me, from the beginning. It's been decades, and it still feels bad, like I wish I'd known what to do to fix it.

As for the other one, I didn't give a damn, and when I finally asked her what her problem was, she told me that she hated me because the way I ruined our relationship made it impossible for her to be with me, like I basically ruined everything except her love for me. The way she described it, it was like she wanted this thing with me and she felt that it was worse than me saying no, that I'd stolen it from her and ruined it. She also hated herself for not being able to let go of it. She did not like me, but there was a very little part of her that loved me intensely. That's what made her hate me. I think she felt tortured by that, and blamed me for how she felt.

I'll bet something like that is going on with your ex, maybe not exactly, but something. I'll also say that I'm not sure you can be truly happy if you carry something like that around inside you.

I did hurt her in many ways that aren't specific to a situation but a combination of things. I'd try to meet up to her expectations but I was going through such a rough time in my life that I didn't quite make her feel safe anymore. We had a ton of problems that weren't being solved, rather we buried them. She definitely blamed me for the breakdown of our relationship and told me that she hated that she loved me so much.

I tried my level best to apologise and get to a place that was civil. But that was not what she wanted... So it became this toxic mess of stupid games trying to hurt each other. ( I played along for about 3 months and then stopped completely, hers continued till about a month ago). I hated what I had become and just couldn't do it anymore and it was holding me back.

I understand what you're saying, there isn't a chance of friendship. Too much water under the bridge, I think I'll always care about her but need to find a way to get closure for myself. She won't give it to me, she has to win this game she still wants to play. I just can't. I want peace now more than anything.

May 24, 2017

^^That is just a messed up dig to try to hurt you. My ex said that same s**** to me. I guarantee she prob still isn't with that guy, if she is I feel sorry for the guy (she even moved across the country to be with him). Nonetheless, I think your ex has been trying to intentionally hurt you post break up. I know it's difficult but try not to let her win at this. We can't control our emotions in a sense but I would def make d*** sure none of her friends could tell she's still hurting you/ getting under your skin

Every time my ex got her panties in a twist, she would try and hurt me. She would disappear knowing it would cause me to chase, ignore, and distance. One time she knew I was waiting to talk to her, and arranged to have another guy drop her off in front of me. Yup.

Months after we broke up, she would send love songs about how if I was only a better man, we'd be together. It was frustrating, confusing, and painful as hell.

Point is, it will only hurt as much as you let it. If you had been happy, she would talk smack. If you had been holding hands with another girl, she would have trashed you. So, who cares?

A month after my ex disappeared without a trace for the last time, I went shopping with another woman. Her sister saw us, and I got bombarded about how I took another woman to "her" city and "her" mall. After she left a month prior. And broke into my home twice afterwards. And ruined an expensive meal. Yup.

These women, they have a hole inside of them which can never be filled. So don't try.

Writing this now makes me smile that I put up with it all for so long. Lol

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Saw ex again after a year and it went badly

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