ChrisDater Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Hey everyone. I've been dating someone for almost 4 months now. Things have been going great and I know we're both developing feelings for each other but we kind of hit a road block I'd like some advice on. A week ago she cancelled plans on me saying she had too much to do, which I understood however didn't show it well enough. We ended up talking on the phone later that night and had what I felt was a very productive conversation where she told me she's stressed out a little, has a lot going on and the past few weeks she's been trying to find time for me but feels like she keeps letting me down and that's been putting her in a negative place and effecting how she feels about me. Understandably. I didn't know this was going on and if I had I would have approached seeing her and making plans differently. So, two days later we're suppose to go out and see a movie/dinner/hang out. She calls me up in the morning and we discuss options, she made a few restaurant suggestions that have a great "ambiance" for us...but 3 hours later she meets me at my place and tells me she feels i'm perfect for her but she's just got too much going on and she needs space, which is understandable. I texted her a couple days after that and said I'd been thinking about it and respect her wishes for some time to process things but asked at some point if we can talk about us. She responded with yes, we can talk more. I'm busy this week but we can maybe reconnect next week. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. I feel she's stressed out for a lot of reasons, and trying to find time with me was causing more stress. Her conversation on the phone with me she mentioned she may only be able to give me a day or two a week. I know now (unfortunately maybe too late) that I need to be more understanding and supportive of her time and what she has going on and that we can't hang out as often as I'd like. I thought about it and her and I want to keep this going even if we can't see each other that often. I am fully prepared to respect her decision if she doesn't want to make this work out but I want to show her that I will be supportive of her time and feelings when we talk as I feel that if that would have been different in the past few weeks this wouldn't have happened. Advice?
KBob Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I've been in this situation before. What are her reasons why she can't make time for you? I don't know them yet but it looks like she's pulling a slow fade on you. That's what happened to me. You should be getting on with your life, because if she can't (and won't) make time for you then the time is not right for you to be together. I would suggest telling her that she obviously has too much going on in her life to invest in your relationship and you waiting around at arms length isn't fair to you. Then you go no contact and focus on yourself, date other women, and maybe once she sees she can't keep you around on her terms she may come back. That's the only way this will possibly work out well for you. If you pursue and play by her terms she'll slowly withdraw more and more, and you'll be left in the dust with more wasted time and a broken heart. 7
Deonce Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Heard this one before... She most likely met someone else or for some reason started to have doubts about the relationship. Also, she has probably already checked out of the relationship but is not sure how to end the relationship with you. At this point it doesn't look very good to be honest and best thing you can do is to go NC. Don't reach out to her at all and see if she contacts you. Because space is what she wants, right? Give her the "space" and don't bother reaching out to her. Just move on with your life and keep yourself busy. 5
Titanll Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Advice? Accept the fact that she checked out long before she said that she needed space. She's gone and you need to realize that. On the off chance that she comes back, start at square one with her. Let her work a bit for you. Or, chase her and be relentless in your pursuit, profess your undying love for her and be at her beck and call. Your choice of either or neither... 3
coolheadal Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Hey everyone. I've been dating someone for almost 4 months now. Things have been going great and I know we're both developing feelings for each other but we kind of hit a road block I'd like some advice on. A week ago she cancelled plans on me saying she had too much to do, which I understood however didn't show it well enough. We ended up talking on the phone later that night and had what I felt was a very productive conversation where she told me she's stressed out a little, has a lot going on and the past few weeks she's been trying to find time for me but feels like she keeps letting me down and that's been putting her in a negative place and effecting how she feels about me. Understandably. I didn't know this was going on and if I had I would have approached seeing her and making plans differently. So, two days later we're suppose to go out and see a movie/dinner/hang out. She calls me up in the morning and we discuss options, she made a few restaurant suggestions that have a great "ambiance" for us...but 3 hours later she meets me at my place and tells me she feels i'm perfect for her but she's just got too much going on and she needs space, which is understandable. I texted her a couple days after that and said I'd been thinking about it and respect her wishes for some time to process things but asked at some point if we can talk about us. She responded with yes, we can talk more. I'm busy this week but we can maybe reconnect next week. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. I feel she's stressed out for a lot of reasons, and trying to find time with me was causing more stress. Her conversation on the phone with me she mentioned she may only be able to give me a day or two a week. I know now (unfortunately maybe too late) that I need to be more understanding and supportive of her time and what she has going on and that we can't hang out as often as I'd like. I thought about it and her and I want to keep this going even if we can't see each other that often. I am fully prepared to respect her decision if she doesn't want to make this work out but I want to show her that I will be supportive of her time and feelings when we talk as I feel that if that would have been different in the past few weeks this wouldn't have happened. Advice? Nothing you can do or say in this matter.. There is no time for you because she doesn't know how to cope with you and the other man in her life. Why are you hanging on to her she just keeps letting you down and down again and again. She can make the time she's in control of her life not you. See giving her space for what so she can do whatever she wants and when she's done doing whatever it is she'll turn-up at your doorstep. Your willingness to to put up with this is the problem. Move on, and if you want to keep such a person as a close friend, then do it that way but don't continue with what you have in place with her. You have nothing to hold on too with her..
GemmaUK Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) She's feeling smotherd and can't keep up with the demands on her time. I've been there and it becomes exhausting when someone is expecting a lot of your time. There's only so long that a person can keep up with other things in their life when a relationship starts off great but then continues at the same pace. I was in a relationship for just two months when I felt the pressure of it, so I spoke to him - I was not getting time to do the normal every day stuff - housework, cooking for myself, eating, let alone having any time just for me to even just sit in quiet at watch a half hour TV show or even cut my toenails (yes, that became an issue too) - I ran out of any opportunity of doing either of the latter. Of course I was still supposed to keep up with the girly things - looking good and all that - no idea when I was suppose to have time for any of that! Lol! I told him how it was getting on top of me and he chilled out for a couple of days and was back to the usual velocity again. He fast became controlling, then emotionally abusive amongst other things, I stood my ground to a lot of a degree but when work got busier I was so exhausted I almost gave up trying to do anything for myself which needed doing. He told me at one point that 'all of your time outside of work is time that's mine' or words to that effect - can't quite remember now. He was an extreme case - texts all day from 5.30am to midnight and 'needed' a call of 1-2 hours every single night and I would get into trouble if this didn't happen. In contrast, I recall the early stages of my long term RS, once I communicated to him about time and space (healthy for both of us) he understood and backed off, respected the things iI needed and wanted time for - we were together for 14 years. All you can do is not contact her, a week possibly seems enough for her right now but it might not be. She might find her feelings for you don't fully return. Best bet for the future - always respect another person's time and that it's valuable to them. Part of dating is figuring out what level of contact and dating is good for both of you - not just for you. Edited to add: I also want to ask the question - why is her suggestion of one or two dates a week so very awful? To me and at about the 4 month mark that allows space for you both to see friends, see family, go to the gym, study - all the usual things we all need to fit into a week. Edited May 8, 2017 by GemmaUK 1
BryanSmiley Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 This has some of the hall marks of my recent situation, and is likely quite common. After a few months of the so called infatuation/honeymoon period - this is where this becomes a test. Your attraction then is different from a new exciting thing to if you feel right about it - working towards building something more. So it can be where 1 person is often slightly of a different style, view, and pace. All the advice above is sound. What I think is key with this is how it is communicated. If it's in the vein of hey I have these little gripes, can we see each other say this many times on average a week, and see how we go - that to me is looking for solutions. If it's communicated in a way of not wanting to explore solutions then as much as it pains me to say as-well, you either have someone not passionate enough of a person, or about you - to explore solutions to please both parties. 1
Author ChrisDater Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Edited to add: I also want to ask the question - why is her suggestion of one or two dates a week so very awful? To me and at about the 4 month mark that allows space for you both to see friends, see family, go to the gym, study - all the usual things we all need to fit into a week. Its not. The problem is the last relationship I was in was 10 years long and I was use to seeing someone often. I'm not use to this but I know now after thinking about it all week that its not a big deal. 1
BluesPower Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Here is the deal... I was not going to post on this thread, but I just cannot help myself. I forget how old you are, but here is the deal. When a woman is in to you, she finds time to be with you. Frankly, you don't even have to try. She will absolutely let you know. If she cannot find time for you, Guess What, SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU. If you guys were dating exclusive you need to move on. Actually, you need to move on anyway. WHY? BEAUASE SHE IS NOT THAT IN TO YOU... 2
Grapesofwrath Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 I think if she wants to see you 1-2 x week, that's a pretty good pace. Considering everything else we all juggle in this world, at 4 months I think that's solid. If she is really offering you that amount of time, you're okay. That is different than saying, "I need space," however. As a previous poster mentioned, if she is asking for space without offering an alternate solution to how to spend time together, that's a sign of lack of interest. If she's saying, "I still want to see you. I can offer 1-2 nights x week, but outside of that I need some space to handle stuff in my life" then I think you're fine. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Its not. The problem is the last relationship I was in was 10 years long and I was use to seeing someone often. I'm not use to this but I know now after thinking about it all week that its not a big deal. Good! You just need o remember that this relationship is not your 10 year relationship - it's just 4 months and with a different person. When a person feels smothered the first thing they need is respite - first off to catch up with things but also just to return to normality, relax, chat to friends and family again like they used to. She has said she is busy this week so let hr have that respite and then after that wait until she comes to you or leave it a couple of days more and check in, ask how she is (with nothing passive aggressive like 'hello stranger'. It is possible she has checked out but it is also possible she hasn't and is just overwhelmed. I've been in both situations and I most certainly hadn't checked out with the guy I stuck around 14 years with - I was crazy about him.
jjgitties Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 From the outside looking in. This is a new relationship right? 4 months. Is she saying she wants space and does not want to see you for a while or is she saying she can only devote 1 or 2 times per week to see you. IMO, 1 to 2 days per week is quite a lot. How many times per week do you normally expect to be seeing a person you just started dating. 1 to 2 times would be one day in the week and one day on the weekend. That seems fairly reasonable to me and nothing to raise red flags about. If you two get more comfortable with each other I am sure it might increase.
OatsAndHall Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 To be honest, she has asked for space so I would give her all the space she wants and not pursue it any further. Maybe she's stressed out (as she has stated) or maybe she's not that into you; it doesn't really matter. I wouldn't ask to talk about "us" anymore; the ball is in her court. I would leave it at that and move forward. I certainly wouldn't keep hanging on by a thread and worrying about any of it. If she wants to be with you, she will get a hold of you. If she doesn't, then so be it.
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