Grapesofwrath Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Been dating a guy for about 7 months. Going well up until about a month ago. Lately I notice that he does not make the effort to plan things ahead with me, like he used to. He talks all the time about future plans (trips, etc.) and we do have a couple concerts planned over the next few months, but this is more about the day-to-day plans. We both have kids from previous marriages, so our time together is based on our parenting schedules. He really likes to play golf, so he books trips to golf with his buddies sometimes. (always seems to find time for that.) In the beginning of the R, I always knew when our next date would be. He was sure to plan that before we ended the current date. Now I am sometimes left not knowing. Other times we have standing plans, and he never cancels plans on me and is not flaky. He texts me at night to check in, every day. He tells me he loves me. I have reached out the last couple times to make plans, and I am starting to feel that if I don't take the initiative, we will not have plans. That may be an unfair assessment, though. Maybe just my insecurity. We spent the weekend together last weekend. It was a lot of fun: cooking, golfing, laughing, etc. He introduces me to all his friends as his girlfriend and seems proud of our relationship. Everything fine, but we did not have sex once all weekend. He has been under a lot of stress at work, and he mentioned that his sex drive was suffering as a result. He has never been a guy with a super strong sex drive, BTW. He said a couple times that we would make love "in the morning" or "later" but then we didn't. I also didn't initiate. I guess I was feeling insecure about whether he wanted to. Last week, we discussed possibly getting together one night and left it open. When the day approached, I asked if he was golfing that night and he said yes. So he made the plans and didn't remember to tell me that our tentative plans were not going to happen. This past weekend we both had our kids. Tomorrow and the next day I am free to spend time with him. I know he doesn't have his kids, but not sure if he's free. I keep hoping he will ask me when I'm free this week, but still nothing. And no plans yet for next weekend either. Is he taking me for granted? Losing interest? Am I just being overly sensitive? What should I do?
Knix Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Sounds like he's just more comfortable with the relationship. I don't think you have much to worry about, but if you want more sex you'll have to communicate that to him, or try something different.. The honeymoon phase wares off and people just start getting real with each other. Listen to this lecture called "In Sync With the Opposite Sex", it's very helpful. Men and women think differently, best to try and understand it
Dis Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Hi Grapes! Sorry to here you've hit a bit of a lull in your relationship As you both get more comfortable in the relationship things start to slow down a little...I think thats normal (not something to get super freaked out about) but I understand why it bothers you...it would bother me too Its really all about how his behavior makes you feel though. Whats normal and acceptable for one person may not feel right to you I would communicate how you feel and then sit back and watch what he does. He could step it up and be more mindful... or he could continue what he's doing Then its up to you to make the best choice for you and your needs Good luck 1
Author Grapesofwrath Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you both for those thoughtful replies. They make sense. Another poster had written something earlier about anxiety attachment, which resonated with me. I think that may be my issue. To be fair, in the past week he has also done some great things. I am looking for a new place and he 1) offered to be my "emergency contact" on the application and 2) offered to help me move, when it comes time. I didn't ask for either of these things. He spontaneously offered.
Dis Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you both for those thoughtful replies. They make sense. Another poster had written something earlier about anxiety attachment, which resonated with me. I think that may be my issue. To be fair, in the past week he has also done some great things. I am looking for a new place and he 1) offered to be my "emergency contact" on the application and 2) offered to help me move, when it comes time. I didn't ask for either of these things. He spontaneously offered. I totally understand I'm still somewhat of an anxious dater even though I've gotten better about it in the past few months I dont think this is a big issue so I'm glad you looking at this from a balanced perspective The above posters mentioned something a long the lines of how men think a little differently than we do so... so he might not even know that you're upset about this Just remind yourself this is no biggie... have a chat with him and enjoy the relationship!
Author Grapesofwrath Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Last night he reached out to set up our next date. Thank you all for listening to my spastic, insecure ramblings. As much as I've learned about myself, I still have a long way to go.
Telemachus Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 If you want a date, ask him out. There's nothing wrong with being the planner and initiator. The tentative plan you mentioned wasn't a date: you need not just a day and general time of day, but a specific time, specific place to meet, and a specific activity so both have some idea what to wear or bring. If you want to have a date, offer him day, time, place, and activity. He'll say yes, no, or offer an alternative. Rather than wait for the phone to ring, pick it up and dial. 1
Author Grapesofwrath Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Tele: I do sometimes initiate the plans. Have done so on a couple occasions, as has he. I was just feeling anxious and a bit insecure that perhaps the balance had shifted and I was doing more of the pursuing. That gave me pause. When I look back on it, I think my sense of the "balance" may be off. Meaning that, for me, I'm comfortable with a "balance" that is really more him initiating than me. That's where I need to do some work. And perhaps do more of what you describe. As we learn, we mostly learn how much more there is to learn. 1
preraph Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) People slip into being who they really are. Who he is is a guy who would rather just have you available when he's ready at the last minute. So you have to talk to him about this and let him know just what you said here, that "playing it by ear" doesn't work for you because you are more of a planner. Tell him how he was in the beginning worked great for you and that he needs to keep doing that going forward. His sex drive, he probably told the truth, so don't pressure him about it. Men are more compartmentalized about things like that. Not all of them, but they can be. Let that go for now. My guess is on the off-chance he's losing interest and no longer wants to have sex with you for real, he'd have dumped you by now since sex is pretty much the first thing men care about. But tell him what you need about planning. Do not let him start sliding. Also, if he continues to try to just not plan, you go right ahead and plan other things without him and don't let him derail those plans and he'll soon get the idea. Truly, a few men will try to put you in that position just to keep YOU from planning anything other then with them so it becomes a type of isolation tactic, so don't let it happen at all. One example is a friend of mine asked her contrary husband to babysit his kids one night and she asked him like 6 weeks in advance, but he refused to commit and was like "We'll just have to see when the time comes," hoping she'd just cancel her plans because he made it too hard on her. Instead, she started thinking about divorce right about that time. Edited May 8, 2017 by preraph
Author Grapesofwrath Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 To be fair to him...we spent the evening together last night. We had a very pleasant and relaxing evening together, cooking, talking, and having fun He made sure to secure our weekend plans last night, so we're set. He doesn't leave me hanging all the time. I think this was one of those times where maybe we didn't communicate well, so I need to remember that. 1
InvisiBlonde Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Thank you both for those thoughtful replies. They make sense. Another poster had written something earlier about anxiety attachment, which resonated with me. I think that may be my issue. To be fair, in the past week he has also done some great things. I am looking for a new place and he 1) offered to be my "emergency contact" on the application and 2) offered to help me move, when it comes time. I didn't ask for either of these things. He spontaneously offered. I know that queasy, nagging feeling all too well I think it's important to keep ourselves from spinning into orbit over nothing (said The Voice Of Experience ). However, please make sure you don't go second-guessing yourself or ever shutting down that little voice inside you. It's great that he offered to be your emergency contact and help you move. I'm sure you would do the same for any good friend of yours. I really hope that doesn't sound mean or nasty. I have a habit of going into orbit about stuff like this, too, and thinking it means all kinds of things that it doesn't! I would be much more concerned about his not addressing the, as it were, changes in the status quo. Like that time he forgot mentioning getting together with you and instead went to golf. Is that new and different? I guess for me I'm at a point where if I feel like I've got to start playing games or the "just be Busy" thing, it's essentially all over but the shouting.
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