Would I still feel this way if there was nothing on his end? ***Update***

[varicose]

My ex, the first guy I really loved, broke up with me a year ago.

 

It's been so long and we haven't even spoken in almost a year. But I still have feelings for him just as strong as I ever did. I still think of him every morning and every night. I still love him and feel unable to love anyone else.

 

Do you think it's possible to feel this way if there is NOTHING on his end -- no feelings for me? Part of me feels like I would not be thinking of him anymore if that was the case. It's been long enough. I know what it's like to be hurt, but still hopeful for moving on. I have none of that now. I am totally stuck and I wonder if it's because he misses me too.

 

FYI, we broke up due to external factors like distance, etc.

[ML Hammer95]

Some people would call that delusion. Some people would call that intuition.

 

In truth it is probably a mix of both. The amount of times I've thought about texting someone and they've already popped up. The amount of times I've started singing a song and heard it on the radio the very same day. I'm sure he has thought of you but the focus is probably wrong.

 

Have you felt like you have moved on?

[varicose]

Some people would call that delusion. Some people would call that intuition.

 

In truth it is probably a mix of both. The amount of times I've thought about texting someone and they've already popped up. The amount of times I've started singing a song and heard it on the radio the very same day. I'm sure he has thought of you but the focus is probably wrong.

 

Have you felt like you have moved on?

 

No, I haven't moved on. I've gone on a dozen Tinder dates. One of them led to a fling. But I am still obsessed with my ex. I used to have a good intuition, but this past year seems like I've been dead wrong about everything -- one of those things was that I was so sure he'd be back.

 

Call me delusional... and I'm sure sometimes that really is the case... but I just can't imagine this being a one-sided thing. I know there's "unrequited love" and all but I think the situation is different with exes, you know, when you really know each other.

[Ronni_W]

... but I just can't imagine this being a one-sided thing. I know there's "unrequited love" and all but I think the situation is different with exes, you know, when you really know each other.

varicose,

 

It doesn't mean that you are NOT involved or caught up in in a psychic-karmic tie...but it is entirely possible that the 'connection' is being maintained by negative or dark forces. Such can feel like being "of the Light" - but that is part of the tactics and strategies used to obsess and/or possess us...with the goal of keeping us stuck

and believing in the unreal and the untrue (a delusional state).

 

There are any number of resources online. From the left-hand-side menu on this page the last three might be particularly useful, or can at least be a starting point for

your further research and getting yourself unstuck.

[ML Hammer95]

No, I haven't moved on. I've gone on a dozen Tinder dates. One of them led to a fling. But I am still obsessed with my ex. I used to have a good intuition, but this past year seems like I've been dead wrong about everything -- one of those things was that I was so sure he'd be back.

 

Call me delusional... and I'm sure sometimes that really is the case... but I just can't imagine this being a one-sided thing. I know there's "unrequited love" and all but I think the situation is different with exes, you know, when you really know each other.

 

I don't think you are delusional.

 

I think about my girl all the time, yet she is the one who reaches out. I've learnt that when someone reaches out after a while it is unlikely to be the first time they've thought of you - it is more than likely you were on their mind a lot. That's how I know that what you are saying has some credence. If you shared a deep connection with someone then of course they think of you.

 

The question I would ask is what you want to do?

[jjgitties]

You are obviously not over your ex. You should take time off from dating and be single for a while and get over your ex. You will never be able to move on until you get over the ex because you are carrying baggage from your previous relationship. If you happen to come across a really great guy, that baggage will haunt your next relationship and it will undermine the relationship. You don't want to be that woman who goes around carrying memories of her ex on a pedestal.

[Lauradlou]

Breakups are never easy, nomatter what. I am sorry you are going through this and I know it is hard. I would suggest you get involved in your community, make new friends, find a new hobby, etc. It is good to keep yourself busy doing the things you love to do. Relationships will come when they are supposed to. Try not to dwell in the past because hindsight is always 20/20 and the grass always seems brighter on the other side... but that is just not true. Just keep moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for you!

[amaysngrace]

Right now you're just holding onto thoughts of him because it's safe to do so plus you're probably comparing him to whoever you've been dating.

 

It'll pass when you meet a more quality guy.

[mightycpa]

There is no such thing as a connection. What you feel is your heart lying to you.

 

Your problem is likely that you were simply not ready to break up, and also, that you have not grieved properly. Sometimes, a lack of acceptance will get in the way of that.

 

Sudden, unexpected breakups can make acceptance hard, because you tend to focus on the why, rather than the loss.

 

If you broke up because of your circumstances, rather than because at least one of you fell out of love, or fighting or whatever, you may be subconsciously refusing to accept the end of the relationship. If you're seriously thinking that you're having trouble because he still loves and misses you, and that magically through time and space your heart can sense this and respond accordingly, I'm going to put my money on LACK OF ACCEPTANCE.

 

Some people need counseling to get to the bottom of that, others simply need time to work through it.

 

Time to get brutally honest with yourself.

[varicose]

Should I contact him? We haven't spoken to each other in a year.

 

I think about him all the time. I don't think it will ever go away.

[Chilli]

Some more detail would help people .

[mikeylo]

Why did you break up ?

[varicose]

Some more detail would help people .

 

Dated for a year, met just before he moved away so relationship was long distance. We had some issues, at one point he saw some bad texts between me and a previous guy (but they were from before we were official). I still blame myself every day for this, because there was nothing between me and that guy. I was just keeping him in my back pocket because I was so scared it wouldn't work out with the guy I loved. In the end, the ultimate reason we broke up was family differences. His religious family didn't approve of me and refused to meet me.

 

Despite all those problems, we loved each other a lot. I was his first girlfriend ever, first girl he loved.

[Maldives]

Should I contact him? We haven't spoken to each other in a year.

 

I think about him all the time. I don't think it will ever go away.

 

It will fade. I know thru my own experience on average it's taken a good 3 yrs to get over someone u love.

 

There's no real way of knowing if he thinks of u the same way. There all assumptions. The fact there hasn't been contact for a yr erhhh yehhh...

Having said that my ex wife for yrs never contacted me and then did. And then one other time i had this weird dream woke up and kept thinking how was it possible that she just let go did she ever love me? Next thing I do is check my fb and she's ticked 12 of my photos 9 yrs after wed broken up. U can never rule anything out but never assume

[BC1980]

Should I contact him? We haven't spoken to each other in a year.

 

I think about him all the time. I don't think it will ever go away.

 

Have you been in NC for the entire year? No online snooping? Look, it took me two years of NC to get over my ex. I was still pretty wrecked after a year to be honest. I was making progress, but I was still emotionally fragile over a lot of things.

 

And to answer your first question, no, I don't think that your ex must have feelings about you because you still love him and aren't over him. That's called projection, and it's a natural reaction for us. You can only understand your own feelings, so you can't fathom how someone else could feel differently. It's also really difficult to fathom how someone's feelings can change. At least it was for me. But people's feelings do change. Just because someone loved you at one point in time in no way means that love will last forever. There is no way to predict how any of us will feel in one year, 5 years, 10 years, ect.

[basil67]

If you were to reach out to him, what factors have changed to potentially make it work this time? Unless his parents suddenly decide to accept you, I can't see the outcome being any different.

[mightycpa]

Why did you break up ?

Ah, but don't you see? What difference does it make? In the end, why doesn't matter. That is the lesson the we all ultimately learn. What matters is that at least one person in the couple decided to initiate or accept the circumstances that caused the breakup. Whether reasonable or unreasonable, justified or petty, smart or stupid, unexpected or inevitable, the other person has no choice but to get on board with the decision.

 

Understanding isn't nearly enough. To heal, you've got to get past that. It's a hurdle on the way to indifference.

[varicose]

Yup, we were in contact for the first month or so after break up and then nothing after that. I can't fathom that he'd just not care about me. I don't know what's going on. I've tried snooping but found nothing. I obviously don't want to embarrass myself by showing feelings for someone who no longer cares, but I'm thinking of reaching out and just dealing with the consequences, which may be better than keeping silent.

Edited May 29, 2017 by varicose

[mightycpa]

Examining the two choices, one, pursuit, has a wide range of outcomes, from success to humiliating defeat. The other, acceptance, has only one outcome, defeat, although the defeat is not humiliating.

 

The rational choice would be to choose the path that at least offers a chance of success.... but, first, you have to define success.

 

Let's imagine that you contacted your ex, and he decided to get back together with you, but he will break up with you in one year. Is that success?

 

What if it turns out that you break up with him in one year? Is that success?

 

I don't know that I'd call it success, exactly, althought it does seem to be a preferable outcome to acceptance. At least it would feel better... wouldn't it? What if, after your breakup, he chooses pursuit, and is willing to pursue until either success or humiliating defeat? Then you've got a whole other range of future problems to deal with, especially given that the chances of success decrease with each breakup.

 

See where I'm going with this? The math says that success is an extremely remote possibility, and because the chances for success lessen after each breakup, pursuing someone new is a better bet than pursuing an ex.

 

The story of Nicholas and Alexandra is among the greatest and most important love stories in history. Nicholas, at the tender age of 16, fell in love with Alexandra. They faced huge pressures - distance, family disapproval andcultural and religious differences. What makes it remarkable is that after 8 years of long distance courtship, where Alexandra became little more than tolerant of him, Alexandra wrote Nicholas and told him she had decided not to marry him, and she requested that they would break off all contact with each other. Nicholas left the Russian capital at once, and took an arduous journey out of Russia, setting off across Europe to find her in London. He courted her passionately and persistently, and two years later, he won her hand and they married. Alexandra had fallen deeply in love with Nicholas, and their love never wavered all throughout their marriage. The were fiercely loyal and devoted to each other from the day they fell in love. They had five children, and in the end, they died on the same day, at the same time, with the person they loved most, although that part of the story is pretty tragic.

 

Anyway, what makes this such a great love story is the sheer improbability of all of it. The odds were astronomically against Nicholas, but he didn't have the good folks at Loveshack to tell him that he was beating his head against a wall that would never crumble. Still, chances are, that's exactly what he was doing. This is why we hold this romantic myth in our minds. Our stories, our culture, the books, the movies, all of it, they are all geared toward the success, and tell the story of such an unlikely venture.

 

But the truth is that if it happened all the time, it wouldn't be much of a story, not very compelling at all. It would be old hat. In reality, the success of pursuit is unlikely, very, very unlikely, whether in your case or in anybody's case. You are likely to be much better off if you simply accepted defeat, and moved on and found somebody new.

 

I can't tell you that it won't happen should you pursue the ex. I can only tell you that it most probably will never come out the way you want.

 

Good luck OP. It's never easy to say goodbye forever.

[Altair0770]

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. If someone truly loves someone, family and distance wouldn't push them apart. Issues wouldn't push them apart. I'm not saying there was something else that caused you guys to break up, but there likely was one-sided love in the relationship. Meaning you likely loved him more than he loves you.

 

I know it sucks being stuck, even if you did the NC rule to perfection. I have for 3+ months now and I feel SO much better, like I can move on. I don't peak at her social media or anything. I do sometimes have brief moments where I "miss" her, or more so feel frustrated that the relationship didn't work out. I have C-PTSD because of her, and that's a whole different beast to deal with.

 

But my guess is, with you having dated people you seem more concerned with trying to find a quick fix to getting over him. The real thing you need to focus on (which is why rebounds don't work) is finding yourself again, and regaining your self esteem to how you were before you ever met your ex.

 

I've focused on finding myself again, and once I stopped thinking about her flirting with other guys and having fun, and focused on what made me happy and interacting with other people that made me happy, the pain faded faster and faster that I often find myself realizing I didn't think about my ex for awhile and focused on the present and what was making me smile at that moment.

 

Do things that make you happy, and that put you back into you.

 

As far as contacting your ex... it has been a year. Look I don't want to give you false hope, but people on these forums get bitter and say, "they never think of you". They do. I have NEVER met a person that has completely forgot about an ex. I could ask anyone (thats over their breakup) about an ex they had and they could easily recall parts of the relationship. Are they pinning over you? Probably not, especially after a year.

 

But if you have feelings for him, it could work out after having been that long if you reach out. But if you have no idea of his situation, don't be surprised if he has a new fling or something and thinks of you just as a friend. The feelings may not be there anymore. If you're looking to reconcile, it could be a big risk.

 

If you feel stuck, my first advice would be to try therapy. There is no shame in going to therapy. I'm proud to say I do, and I've learned a lot about the situation, and about myself. I have learned so much about myself and feel so much better because of it.

[Superchicken]

We had some issues, at one point he saw some bad texts between me and a previous guy (but they were from before we were official). I still blame myself every day for this, because there was nothing between me and that guy. I was just keeping him in my back pocket because I was so scared it wouldn't work out with the guy I loved.

 

 

 

Bingo..

 

 

This, as a new boyfriend, would be a relationship killer for me.

You may tell me all you want that it was not as it seems. But, as a new boyfriend, I would see it, as "God, she's already cheating on me. How am I going to trust her in the future.".

 

 

Although family "Can" get in the way, if he was serious, then it wouldn't have stopped him.

 

 

In the end, you have nothing to lose (You already did) by calling him up, telling him exactly what you said here, on how he's always on your mind, etc.

You just may pull it off, and he may, at the very least, agree to some meeting/date, or what ever.

 

 

One thing though, some men tend to take advantage of situations like this.

So, one tip I will give you. DONT have any naughty time with him on your first few dates.

It will confirm his beliefs you haven't changed, you are easy, and you have low morals (You mentioned religious).

Hold off as long as you can on this. Its your "Ace" up your sleeve.

[varicose]

Bingo..

 

 

This, as a new boyfriend, would be a relationship killer for me.

 

 

See, that's what kills me. While I understand that feeling (and I know I'd feel the same), I also know, from being the person that did the crime, that it meant NOTHING and only happened because of my insecurity, with ZERO intention of ever acting on it, only thinking of a doomed future when I'd find myself single again. I wrote to him last year explaining this, which is what has held me back from saying it again.

 

When I do write, I wonder if I should really spill my mind or start small and casual.

[Redhead14]

Until you get your insecurities and fear of being alone under control/reconciled within yourself, you are wasting your time trying to be with him or anyone.

 

The problem was not so much about HIS connection as it was YOURS. You weren't connected enough to him to be secure in it and, therefore, not needing to have a "back up plan". It was YOU, not HIM.

 

only thinking of a doomed future when I'd find myself single again. -- You set yourself up for failure/doom. You will do this over and over if you don't get some help.

[Minneloa]

Yup, we were in contact for the first month or so after break up and then nothing after that. I can't fathom that he'd just not care about me. I don't know what's going on. I've tried snooping but found nothing. I obviously don't want to embarrass myself by showing feelings for someone who no longer cares, but I'm thinking of reaching out and just dealing with the consequences, which may be better than keeping silent.

 

Gently, a year is a long time. Life circumstances change, as do emotions. He may well be involved with someone else or have moved into a place of benign indifference towards you. My advice would be to refrain from contacting him and instead to delve into why you still feel so intensely attached to him after a year of mutual silence. (No judgment here, as I have a very hard time letting go of people myself. But there's usually something holding me back other than my feelings for the person. For example, fear. Of starting over, or not finding someone, or making myself vulnerable to hurt again.)

 

However, if you are determined to reach out, I urge you to think hard about what it is you hope to gain from contacting him. Forgiveness? Closure? The seeds of reconciliation? A way to fill a void or loneliness you feel? Then, weigh these carefully with the potential responses you might receive, including utter silence, cheerful nonchalance, or the news that he has a girlfriend. I know you are hurting now, but it seems to me that one of the above responses could be even more painful.

 

Sending good thoughts!

 

M.