Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Unforeseen, Thank you for responding to my post addressed to you and for clarifying the queries I had raised therein. I am all for reconciliation with a WS IF they are sufficiently remorseful and undertake the 'Heavy Lifting' as is prescribed so often on this forum. However, if a WS is not remorseful and by his/her actions shows that he/ she couldn't care less about the BS and their pain then, in my opinion, reconciliation is a wasted effort and only helps to prolong the pain of the BS ultimately leading to what should have happened in the first place, namely, divorce. From what you have written in clarification, I think your WS realized in the nick of time what she stood to lose and what she had to do to save her marriage with you. A little more delay on her part and her continued stone walling of your pain and your need for her to do the necessary work to repair the damage she had caused and I think you would have pulled the plug, burnt your bridges and moved on, by which time even if she moved heaven and earth there would have been no looking back for you. As I said, things were really getting to that point where I was preparing to call it quits. I am very happy that she started responding to my pain. We are really at an interesting point of balance right now in that yes she is working at her end of the job making self improvements and going to IC and sitting patiently with me in support of me when I am triggered and answering any new questions or clarifications that I need, I realize that she cannot do this alone. As her husband I must be willing to do my part to support and encourage her positive changes while working with my IC to help make changes in myself for the better. We don't just want a R. We are greedy. We want an amazing marriage once we break loose from the betrayal my WW committed. That goal will take both of us working constantly for the rest of our lives. At any rate I am happy for you that things worked out well for you and I am sure your wife has learnt the lesson of her lifetime and such lapses on her part are unlikely to recur in the future. A somewhat frequent point of discussion. I still have some trust issues and rightly so. Every time we talk about it though the conversation leaves me feeling a tiny bit more secure that she will not treat me like this again. With regard to the triggers that you have brought up, I think this is an inevitable part of the hideous fact of infidelity. It is something like having lost a loved one. There will be occasions when one is involved in something like, say, a birthday party for a child or some other such occasion and all of a sudden one will be reminded of the loved one who has passed on because he/ she was so much a part of such occasions in previous years. One will have fond memories tinged with sadness as one remembers the involvement and presence of the loved one who is no more. Sadly, triggers, although caused by much the same situations, are the opposite in their effect. They refresh the pain and hurt that one felt when one first confronted the situation that produced these. I also think that triggers are nature's way of reminding us of an event that shattered us and caused us so much pain so that we remain mindful of what can happen when we become careless and complacent. Your wife seeing that you are troubled will remind her that your pain is still present and although not as acute as in the days following D Day, is an ever present reminder to her of your vulnerability and of the need for her to reinforce her boundaries from time to time. I would suggest that you not look on your triggers as something painful and unnecessary but as buoys in the ocean which mark out dangerous waters and need to be circumnavigated. That should put a positive spin on them and make both of you feel good about things. Warm wishes. That is excellent advice. I'm finding much of the work at R is in changing my perspective about things. Such as it was not my actions or neglect that caused her to seek the attention of others, but it was something broken in her. In that same manner I will also try to think of the triggers in a different way. Yes they are painful and difficult to deal with, but so is the simple act of getting out of bed some days. I see how they can serve more like useful reminders to keep everyone honest, as long as I continue to openly discuss them with my WW, rather than horrible and scary events to be avoided at all costs. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Hi Mrs. Adams, I am sorry you feel that "I would not care" would have been your atitude if you had personally not been affected by infidelity. I guess as human beings we should always care about our fellow human beings whenever we find that they are in a situation where they cannot help themselves or need a helping hand. I'm sorry but that is how I feel. I may be wrong. Warm wishes. just a guy..If I had never cheated...infidelity would not be part of my vocabulary. I certainly would not belong to marriage forums and i would not be giving advice about cheating. I am a compassionate person... but infidelity would not be part if my daily conversation. If you think you can contribute ...you should I just kind of wonder how this became important to you since you have never experienced infidelity...If i were asking for advice I would wonder why someone who had no experience would be offering to me what i should do. You are a terrific guy...and very compassionate.. But i just wonder how do you know what is the right answer? You have not walked in my shoes. Warm wishes to you my friend...your kindness overwhelms me 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) I never experienced triggers but my H has. I never knew when he did, he'd tell after the fact...but it's been many, many years. After awhile in most cases, it goes away. May I ask why you would go to a place to relax that would bring this out? Maybe you need to seek new places for relaxation & fun for awhile. It's been 20 months, it's all still recent. She seems to be putting the work & even that you wanted to go away with her sounds extremely positive. Reconciliation is too each is own, labels are two each is own. You'll get to the when you see your W as just your W & not WW...good luck! About that... I think in a way I'm trying to prove to myself that I won't let the actions of my WW ruin my life. This area has been a rather traditional family vacation place for 30 something years. My mother would take my brother and I there every summer. Now we take my mother there. It has always stood out in my mind as a sort of sanctuary and ultimate annual get away from the stresses of everyday life. I put myself through it because it means a great deal to me and I have a history of good memories from our time there. I just couldn't allow all of the good memories to be overridden by one horribly bad one. My WW was kind enough to suggest that we go somewhere else. She knows how much that area means to me and feels a great deal of shame that her actions made it so difficult for me to be there. Thank you Who knew. I'll take all the luck and other well wishes I can get! Edited May 9, 2017 by Unforseen Spelling and grammar
Author Unforseen Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 ^ Truth! My wife's affair was 18 years ago and I still trigger. We no longer live where the affair happened, but we both have family there. To this day I can't stay in that geographical area more than a few days before I feel depressed. I can't imagine living in the same location as her affair; too many triggers. The last big trigger I had involved my teenage daughter. She was asking my wife about boyfriends. Our daughter has never a boyfriend. My wife made a statement along the lines of "once you meet your [future] boyfriend, you'll know that he's 'the' guy". Of course I transferred that to her "boyfriend" AP. That stuck me like a bolt of lightning and a kick in the groin. I've learned over the years to keep the small triggers to myself. The big ones she can sense. Sometimes we talk about them, sometimes we don't. Oh man Betrayed, that is a tough one and I certainly understand where you're coming from. The first time I was back in that area I was shaking and couldn't even talk to my WW. The whole drive there I was getting more and more panicked the closer we got. Aside from determination the other motivation to put myself through that was embarrassment. I couldn't see myself explaining to my mom and son that we are picking a different venue because I was scared to go back to that place of pain. At that time it had not even been a year since d day and my progression towards recovery really wasn't all that great. The only thing that saved the trip was we also had some good friends staying with us from out of state. Their presence and distraction really helped me keep my sanity. They were also working on R together and talking over their experiences kept my mind in a decent or at least socially acceptable place. I'm sorry to hear about the event with your daughter. I'm also finding that out as I go along that the triggers can pop up from innocent and seemingly unrelated events or conversations. It's like you have no idea something is a trigger until it triggers you. I am happy that you and your wife were able to reconcile. I hope that good things continue in your life. 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 Unforseen, In my opinion, triggers are just anther thing to overcome. Yes, after all these years I still trigger. I just do not allow myself to wallow in them. As John had stated, they are memories, and they are in the past. You will always remember what you wife did, and you will always,deep down, hold it against her, but you can recognize this and be fair with her. What I mean about that, is you do not keep trowing it at her, unless it is germain to the conversation. When she messes up with something else, as we all do from time to time, it is not taken out to make her life miserable. It is up to you to decide what to call you wife, just your wife. In my case, she has always been my wife. I have never used the fWW label. If she does that is fine, but as I have forgiven her, I keep to my forgiveness. Her label is what you are making it. Decide how to proceed and then take action. Keep to it. So, at this time, I would drop the fWW label. Look to a future with her, and when you trigger, and you will, remind yourself it is just me and my memories. It is not the here and now. As a aside, if your wife is even remotely remorseful, she will trigger as well, extend her compassion as well. Cut her slack, as she tries to answer questions about love and your marriage together, to her children and others, and not let them know just how badly she messed up. When this happen with my wife, as our children do not know, I give her a pass. She is talking about me. I wish you luck..... Understand, this is beautiful. That is certainly one of the big challenges I face these days as I struggle towards forgiving her. It is all too easy to fall into that trap of pulling out these parts of her ultimate shame and throwing them back in her face when I feel slighted or hurt by her. It is also how I know I am not yet ready to forgive her yet. When I can give up completely the desire to hurt her with the wrongs that she has done to me then I will know that it is time to forgive her. I am working on it but I am not there yet. Seeing her in pain because I was in pain was when I really started to believe that we had a chance. I am taking your words to heart about compassion. No she does not deserve a second chance at our marriage and no she does not deserve and can never earn my forgiveness. But then again who does deserve forgiveness or second chances? But in offering that chance to her I would be completely unloving if I did not do everything that I could to make sure that she and we had the best chance possible. And in many ways that has also been very difficult. I've had to learn to swallow my pride and keep my mouth shut when maybe I wanted to hurt her back. I've had to learn to be patient with her as she struggled to work through and answer for things that are mind numbingly shameful for her. And I've had to learn to show her true compassion and support her at every step even when that meant putting my feelings aside for awhile when it could be argued that the hurt she caused me deserved and demanded precedence. But that is what I felt I had to do to become the husband that she deserves as she is working desperately to become the wife that I deserve. Thank you again for your beautiful and well said thoughts.
mercy Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 I'm a long time reconciled wife, but I do remember the shaking. It was uncontrollable no matter how I tried to stop it. I got to the point I was afraid to leave the house.It would happen out of the blue, no warning. The shame and pain of it all was just too much to bare, an awful feeling, huh? I loved your responses to understand50. Compassion is a beautiful thing to witness. You seem to reach past the pain, as hard as it is, you do it and you do it for love. I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes. Good luck to you! ! 3
Just a Guy Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Hi Mrs. Adams, thank you for your response to my post. I hope Unforeseen would forgive me if I take a little of the space on his thread to respond to you. My apologies to him in advance. You are right in saying that I have never experienced Infidelity and therefore you wonder what interest I could have in visiting a forum such as this. The fact is that when one has lived for as long as I have lived one does get to see or experience second hand, some of life's most painful events, including infidelity. There has been infidelity involving some one in my close family and so, to some extent, I know the havoc that this most painful of events in human experience can cause. Apart from that I do not comment where I think my inexperience in the matter renders me incompetent to do so. However, Infidelity is just one event in a human being's life which is the sum total of so many diverse events and experiences. A person who does not experience infidelity does experience a host of other events which occur in the lives of most of us. I guess as one goes on in life one picks up on so many experiences which can be brought to bear on problems being faced by someone experiencing infidelity. I also think that, as an outsider if you will or an observer, I can bring to bear a view point which may be objective rather than subjective, in a situation which is so emotionally charged. It has been in this spirit that I have tried to participate on a forum like this one. I also accept that I may go off track sometimes and for that I am sorry. However, as I said, I do not respond in threads where I think I do not have the competence or necessary knowledge to be able to make a meaning ful contribution. I do hope this is an explanation which is acceptable to you. Warm wishes.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 I'm a long time reconciled wife, but I do remember the shaking. It was uncontrollable no matter how I tried to stop it. I got to the point I was afraid to leave the house.It would happen out of the blue, no warning. The shame and pain of it all was just too much to bare, an awful feeling, huh? I loved your responses to understand50. Compassion is a beautiful thing to witness. You seem to reach past the pain, as hard as it is, you do it and you do it for love. I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes. Good luck to you! ! Mercy...I love this I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes. WOW...... 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Hi Mrs. Adams, thank you for your response to my post. I hope Unforeseen would forgive me if I take a little of the space on his thread to respond to you. My apologies to him in advance. You are right in saying that I have never experienced Infidelity and therefore you wonder what interest I could have in visiting a forum such as this. The fact is that when one has lived for as long as I have lived one does get to see or experience second hand, some of life's most painful events, including infidelity. There has been infidelity involving some one in my close family and so, to some extent, I know the havoc that this most painful of events in human experience can cause. Apart from that I do not comment where I think my inexperience in the matter renders me incompetent to do so. However, Infidelity is just one event in a human being's life which is the sum total of so many diverse events and experiences. A person who does not experience infidelity does experience a host of other events which occur in the lives of most of us. I guess as one goes on in life one picks up on so many experiences which can be brought to bear on problems being faced by someone experiencing infidelity. I also think that, as an outsider if you will or an observer, I can bring to bear a view point which may be objective rather than subjective, in a situation which is so emotionally charged. It has been in this spirit that I have tried to participate on a forum like this one. I also accept that I may go off track sometimes and for that I am sorry. However, as I said, I do not respond in threads where I think I do not have the competence or necessary knowledge to be able to make a meaning ful contribution. I do hope this is an explanation which is acceptable to you. Warm wishes. thank you for the explanation Like I said ...if i had not lived with this...it would not be part of my life....especially by choice. I wish i did not have answers or the experince to draw from. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Mercy...I love this I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes. WOW...... Mercy... your statement has so touched me today... I can't stop thinking about it. You know.. unless you truly understand remorse and feel it... the true meaning of your statement is not understood. I love you more than I hate what you did My husband loves me more than he hates what I did Can you imagine then how very much he loves me? It is hard to fathom that kind of love isn't it? We are taught that god loves us like that ... and I believe it... but well HE is God... To imagine that a man ...just a simple man loves me like that breaks my heart... Look what I did to him... and yet he can say I love you more than I hate what you did Mercy.. thank you for this today thank you 5
JohnAdams Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Mercy... your statement has so touched me today... I can't stop thinking about it. You know.. unless you truly understand remorse and feel it... the true meaning of your statement is not understood. I love you more than I hate what you did My husband loves me more than he hates what I did Can you imagine then how very much he loves me? It is hard to fathom that kind of love isn't it? We are taught that god loves us like that ... and I believe it... but well HE is God... To imagine that a man ...just a simple man loves me like that breaks my heart... Look what I did to him... and yet he can say I love you more than I hate what you did Mercy.. thank you for this today thank you This appears to have been a good trigger:love: 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 10, 2017 Posted May 10, 2017 This appears to have been a good trigger:love: yes it was 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 10, 2017 Author Posted May 10, 2017 I'm a long time reconciled wife, but I do remember the shaking. It was uncontrollable no matter how I tried to stop it. I got to the point I was afraid to leave the house.It would happen out of the blue, no warning. The shame and pain of it all was just too much to bare, an awful feeling, huh? I loved your responses to understand50. Compassion is a beautiful thing to witness. You seem to reach past the pain, as hard as it is, you do it and you do it for love. I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes. Good luck to you! ! Thank you for your kind words. I had not thought about things in this way before. Do I love her more than I hate what she did to me? I don't think I am at that point yet. I am working on it though. She is doing her best to inspire that love in me and help ease the pain she has caused in any way that she can. All of that continues to give me hope. Mercy, I am very happy that you have that answer and thank you for sharing with me. 1
Texashunter Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I have constant trigger and the AP doesn't even live in my state ..but the pics, the videos and the story's of it all haunt me daily. So when she say something even trying to be nice I go off the deep end..thus the day ends really really badly...only been 7 months since D-day and I don't feel any better yet..I don't see this person as my wife but a complete stranger who looks like her..I don't have any help or tips fornyou since I'm in the same crap storm but one thing I know is that I don't hold it in..I let it all out on her..some times I feel better and others not so much.
mercy Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 So when she say something even trying to be nice I go off the deep end..thus the day ends really really badly...but one thing I know is that I don't hold it in..I let it all out on her..some times I feel better and others not so much. If this is going to be a life sentence, set her free. 'Going off the deep end' isn't healthy for you or her, your pregnant wife. Have you tried the deep breathing exercises I posted on your thread? They really do work. Please understand I get your pain and rage, I really do. Are you afraid of the sadness you'll feel if you let go of the anger? People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. Thich Nhat Hanh 1
Texashunter Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I don't know how it will end..but the therapist says I should be expressing my anger..just not like I had been. He said bottling it up and not letting it out makes things worse and that if that's how I'm going to go about it then to leave her. Just wanted to pass it on to see if it will help this person as well..I'm the type to bottle up and then explode..triggers make it worse if I just keep my mouth shut and try to solve it on my own. Maybe had I spoken up to my WW before the affair things would have went differently. I think many BH and BW think the same thing after the affair is out..that had they opened up more and communicated more that it would have opened their spouse more to solve the issues and saved their marriage. I know I feel this way.. 2
mercy Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Texashunter, it feels to me you are a mans man, strong, tough, a great guy to lean on. Its great qualities to have, great shoulders for a woman to lean on. I know, my h is the same way. But keeping your feelings bottled up, the feelings you're truly feeling, anguish, shame and gut wrenching pain are all manifesting into rage. What if at the beginning of the feelings you asked yourself, what am I really feeling. Is it really anger, if not what is it? It is okay to let your guard down. Its okay to fall apart. You'll get back up. Feel ALL your feelings not just anger. And while you're thinking before reacting....deep breath in, deep breath out, and relax. Repeat, then respond to what your feeling. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 15, 2017 Author Posted May 15, 2017 I don't know how it will end..but the therapist says I should be expressing my anger..just not like I had been. He said bottling it up and not letting it out makes things worse and that if that's how I'm going to go about it then to leave her. Just wanted to pass it on to see if it will help this person as well..I'm the type to bottle up and then explode..triggers make it worse if I just keep my mouth shut and try to solve it on my own. Maybe had I spoken up to my WW before the affair things would have went differently. I think many BH and BW think the same thing after the affair is out..that had they opened up more and communicated more that it would have opened their spouse more to solve the issues and saved their marriage. I know I feel this way.. You are not alone TH. I can't count the number of times that thought has crossed my mind. If only I'd been a better husband or paid more attention or understood her when she was crying out for love and attention... I feel a great deal of shame and guilt still. So I hear you and get you. I know what it's like to second guess myself and wonder how I could have been so blind and stupid to let my WW down so horribly. All of that while at the same time 'knowing' her actions are on her. It is very difficult to buck off what society say you are supposed to be: man, unassailable, strong, never weak, always in control and never doubting what needs to be done to fix the problem. That just isn't realistic. You are human. You will feel weak or confused or powerless and it will hurt to feel this way. It drives me out of my mind some days. And it's okay to feel this way. With all that it was still a huge struggle to be completely open with my WW. With the person that hurt me the most. My biggest fear was that she find me weak or lose whatever faith she had in me for showing my vulnerability. And it was immensely difficult at first. Because of her shame and pain she actually told me once that she couldn't listen to me anymore because it was too much for her to bare. That was a bit of a setback around 6 months after D day. But seeing her change from that moment into the woman she is now has been amazing. There are still times when she will ask me for a break as she gets overwhelmed but she is right there listenting and empathizing with me. It has taken almost 2 years for us to get to that point. Like the theme has been, don't hold it in. Journaling helps in this especially when it comes to changing the way I talk to her about things. The journal gets all the F yous and how could you do this you lying... and then helps me go below the anger to see what else is really in there pushing the anger to the surface. Nothing about this is easy. Yeah the WS is supposed to do all the heavy lifting, but for a R, the BS also has their work cut out. We are with you and support you and many here know what you are going through and are willing to listen and support and go through this with you as best we can. 3
TwiceHurt Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 I have triggers but I also have dreams where I wake up with my heart racing. I had one last night that the OW was sitting in my car asking to be a part of Mother's Day with me. (IRL she never met my kids and didn't give two poops about them) She said "they're my husband's kids so I want to see them" And I looked at her and said "you mean they're MY husbands kids. He's. It your husband". Then I woke up. It getting anxious just thinking about it! Also we are camping this weekend. He spent some time with her at one point for a few months and I'm afraid to ask if she's been in our tent. I want to know but I don't want to know because I don't want to think of them having sex in my tent. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 18, 2017 Author Posted May 18, 2017 I have triggers but I also have dreams where I wake up with my heart racing. I had one last night that the OW was sitting in my car asking to be a part of Mother's Day with me. (IRL she never met my kids and didn't give two poops about them) She said "they're my husband's kids so I want to see them" And I looked at her and said "you mean they're MY husbands kids. He's. It your husband". Then I woke up. It getting anxious just thinking about it! Also we are camping this weekend. He spent some time with her at one point for a few months and I'm afraid to ask if she's been in our tent. I want to know but I don't want to know because I don't want to think of them having sex in my tent. Yeah. I don't even want to think about some of the dreams that I had. The worst part for me was waking up from the dream yet still being in the same messed up emotional state that the dream stuck me in. That's a fun one to explain. Yeah honey, I'm upset at you today because I was dreaming that you and the OM tied me to a chair and had relations in front of me forcing me to watch while laughing at my cries to stop... That was an interesting morning. It's always strange how freaking inanimate objects can become such points of emotional pain. There were a few things that had to be thrown out. It would almost drive me into a panic to see them around or her wearing them. I say ditch the tent TwiceHurt. Just in case. Maybe it can have a little accident and need to be replaced. The cost of a tent would be worth the peace of mind in my opinion.
Mr Blunt Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Unforeseen You wanted to know some strategies to deal with triggers: 1 Get away immediately from the triggers if you can. 2 Force yourself to not keep thinking about the betrayal when you first trigger. I say force because like a moth drawn to the flame you will gravitate towards thinking about the betrayal for various reasons. 3 Force yourself to think on the positives that you have and you do have some very good positives. One very important positive is that your wife seems really serious and has shown ACTIONS that she wants you and to make up for as much as she can. From what you have written about your wife, she is way ahead of many WS that I have read on this forum. Also, think on your positives and I will just name a few below with your own quotes: "I also know that I cannot absolve her of her shame but I can work to give her an environment where she can move in that direction." "As her husband I must be willing to do my part to support and encourage her positive changes while working with my IC to help make changes in myself for the better" "I think in a way I'm trying to prove to myself that I won't let the actions of my WW ruin my life." (Great attitude) The three above may seem simple but they work to elevate the pain and hurt. 1
Mr Blunt Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Unforeseen, you stated “If only I'd been a better husband or paid more attention or understood her when she was crying out for love and attention...I feel a great deal of shame and guilt still” This is detrimental to your healing. You are now acutely aware of your short coming before the affair; not enough attention and love. I did the same thing; I say not enough because I did give some attention and love. Even if the attention and love was minute, it is no excuse for betrayal. There are many ways to deal with needed attention and love without committing the greatest marriage killer of all time…Betrayal! What I did after the betrayal was work on me so that I was much better at attention and love and I bet you is doing the same. Your failure to give enough attention and love is kind of like a misdemeanor. Your wife’s betrayal is a felony like attempted murder! My point is that you need to improve on your attention and love but DO NOT equate your failure to provide enough attention and love as you being responsible for your wife’s betrayal. If that is what you are saying is causing you a great deal of shame and guilt then you need to get the right therapy for that because it is guilt and shame that is very detrimental to you both and is not any justification, not even close, to the reason your wife betrayed you. Mercy posted a great post when she said “I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes.” You love your wife more than you hate what she did to you or you would not be taking the actions you have taken. There is a LOT of hope in the two of you. IMO My situation is somewhat like yours and we have over 20 years of R. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 Unforeseen You wanted to know some strategies to deal with triggers: 1 Get away immediately from the triggers if you can. 2 Force yourself to not keep thinking about the betrayal when you first trigger. I say force because like a moth drawn to the flame you will gravitate towards thinking about the betrayal for various reasons. 3 Force yourself to think on the positives that you have and you do have some very good positives. One very important positive is that your wife seems really serious and has shown ACTIONS that she wants you and to make up for as much as she can. From what you have written about your wife, she is way ahead of many WS that I have read on this forum. Also, think on your positives and I will just name a few below with your own quotes: "I also know that I cannot absolve her of her shame but I can work to give her an environment where she can move in that direction." "As her husband I must be willing to do my part to support and encourage her positive changes while working with my IC to help make changes in myself for the better" "I think in a way I'm trying to prove to myself that I won't let the actions of my WW ruin my life." (Great attitude) The three above may seem simple but they work to elevate the pain and hurt. #1 will be tough but maybe I'm thinking too geographically. With that vacation spot it will be a battle that I will fight of sometime. But that one I must overcome. I certainly see your point though. At times it is almost like I am punishing myself or worried I will seem weak by running from things that hurt me. Yeah I know it's silly, but putting it into practice has been a struggle. Oh man. #2 is dead on. I have a tendency to bite into something and it let go even when I should. My IC has turned me onto audio books and I've been starting to use those as a distraction for times when I know I will be drawn back to wallowing in the memories of those horrid times. #3 thank you for bringing those things back into the forefront. You are correct. My wife has been working very hard at R, and on herself, and is doing everything she can to help us heal. I truly thank you for noticing that. It really does bring tears of gratitude to my eyes when I think of how close we were to losing each other and the dramatic way that she has been changing for the better since those days. It has been a bad week for us and we have been struggling. This was exactly what I needed to see. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 19, 2017 Author Posted May 19, 2017 Unforeseen, you stated “If only I'd been a better husband or paid more attention or understood her when she was crying out for love and attention...I feel a great deal of shame and guilt still” This is detrimental to your healing. You are now acutely aware of your short coming before the affair; not enough attention and love. I did the same thing; I say not enough because I did give some attention and love. Even if the attention and love was minute, it is no excuse for betrayal. There are many ways to deal with needed attention and love without committing the greatest marriage killer of all time…Betrayal! What I did after the betrayal was work on me so that I was much better at attention and love and I bet you is doing the same. Your failure to give enough attention and love is kind of like a misdemeanor. Your wife’s betrayal is a felony like attempted murder! My point is that you need to improve on your attention and love but DO NOT equate your failure to provide enough attention and love as you being responsible for your wife’s betrayal. If that is what you are saying is causing you a great deal of shame and guilt then you need to get the right therapy for that because it is guilt and shame that is very detrimental to you both and is not any justification, not even close, to the reason your wife betrayed you. Mercy posted a great post when she said “I ask myself do I love him more than I hate what he did to me and my answer is always yes.” You love your wife more than you hate what she did to you or you would not be taking the actions you have taken. There is a LOT of hope in the two of you. IMO My situation is somewhat like yours and we have over 20 years of R. This is another one of those situations where I know what you are saying is true, but putting them into practice is an ongoing challenge. My W and I have discussed this quite a bit. And yes, there were many things that I was doing wrong or not doing at all. But none of my actions or neglect deserved the betrayal I was dealt by her. To her credit, my W now claims full responsibility for her actions. That was a big step for her and for us. I am still struggling with those feelings of guilt and inadequacy, but my therapist is working with me pretty hard on those things: Shame and worthiness. How they fit into this and how to gain some resilience to shame. Those lessons are becoming a daily practice for me and it won't be long until I can move from shame to guilt and remorse. I am indeed doing my best to make up for my pre-affair failures. Not because I think I can in any way make up for how I used to treat her but because as my wife, she deserves my best efforts to be loving and caring and the husband that she deserves. One of the first books I read after the affair was Love and Respect. It truly opened my eyes to where I had been going wrong and I now delight in seeing how my loving treatment of her inspires her to respect and care for me. Most days I see the same hope that you do. Still, other days it seems like there is no hope to be found. I know we still have a great deal of work but I think I can count on my partner to help me out with that for the rest of our days. I am happy for you and your wife Mr Blunt. It is good to know that hope and succes can be found at the end of this mess. 1
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