Unforseen Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 One of the little joys that I have been learning about in the past 20 months since D day are the joys of triggers. My WW and I are currently working on R and things have been going pretty well in that regard (not everyday is a complete and total struggle). I heard about triggers, I was warned about triggers, I've had triggers described to me. But seriously, that does not do any justice to the way they can completely wreck anything. Not too long ago my WW (out of curiosity at what point should I go ahead and just call her my W instead of WW? Are there any procedures for that?) and I were enjoying an escape from home. Unfortunately that escape was in the same area where my WW and I were when she was really getting involved in her affairs (EAs with sexting and picture swapping). It was also about the first time we'd been there since D day. We were just cruising along having a good time cruising around, checking out shops and people watching when the thought struck me: Last time I wonder if she was texting dirty messages to OMs while we were here. And that was it. Good day ruined. Happy times and fun out the window. We were in a crowded area, sitting at a little table having some ice cream. I was doing my best to put my happy face on and keep with the act that everything was just fine but inside I was starting to hurt all over again. My WW has been making some tremendous changes in how she treats me and in how she pays attention to me. I have never felt so loved and respected by her before. And this poor woman could sense that something was wrong and saw right through my happy mask. She started asking me what was wrong and if everything was okay. I admit I am still struggling to give her honest straightforward answers instead of being passive aggressive or sarcastic, and I couldn't just let her know that no everything is not fine but right here in a crowded ice cream parlor is not where I want to talk about what kind of sex acts you were describing to some SOB when we were last here. So, I said nothing. Now she knows something's up. So she keeps pushing. Once again I screw up and get a little short with her and give her the response of "not now!" With a little more volume and frustration than was really warranted. Now she's upset too. I am done with the situation and get up in a hurry to just get the hell out of there when I catch the disapproving look of an older gal. As she leans over to the fella she's with to whisper and point at me I finally make a good decision and don't walk over to them to beg their pardon for disrupting their afternoon. Why is that a good decision? Cause all I could think to say was "So sorry to have interrupted you enjoyment of the day. You see my wife cheated on me sometime back and I'm still not quite over it. There's nothing to worry about, I was just feeling a little on the triggered side today and it got the better of me." Yeah, that conversation was best left in my head. Does anyone else have a triggers story they would care to share? Or even better, some strategies to deal with yourself when you are triggered.
NTV Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I can see why you triggered. I would too if I were you. If the trigger is big enough I would tell my wife. Mostly for me the triggers and mind movies faded from sexually specific to general triggers when I thought she was being selfish. Then faded altogether. But talk to her. Tell her how you felt. You should be able to. Don't be afraid she will give up on the marriage or trying if you tell her you triggered... how she reacts can go a long way in building the relationship back. Not telling her prevents her from having that opportunity. I'm 3 years out and I still call her my ww... The way is see it is I'm fully healed when I no longer hurt... which I've reached. And the marriage is fully healed when I can once again take pride in having married her.... not there yet. But I do feel it getting closer. Do you journal? 1
deadsoul Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Yes. My H does this too (he's also the BH). I am the WW. I feel like I'm going to have to wear that for a long time. Don't keep it in, it just makes it worse. Express how you feel to her: "I'm feeling angry right now because.... " and say what you said here. It is part of the process of you healing and she needs to hear that. You don't have to describe the mind movies in the ice cream shop, but you can just say you're imagining what happened last time you were there and you are feeling angry and hurt. My H starts to get sarcastic and/or silent when he triggers and we've really had to work on him expressing his anger because otherwise it comes out with mean comments, which isn't helpful to anyone. Her part is listening and acknowledging your feelings. None of this is easy, and neither of you are going to do this R thing "perfectly," but I'm learning the big thing is communication. Just putting the feelings out there helps let them go. My BH will say, "I expressed I'm angry at you and it didn't help. I still feel angry." But I think he will for a long time, but with time, I hope that can ease for him. The road is rocky. We can only do the best we can... I agree with journaling. My BH doesn't do this, but I do and it helps a lot. I can really see my "wayward" thinking when I look back to where I was to where I am now... But I still have a long way to go. But it feels good to know I'm taking baby steps. Sorry if I'm rambling. Hope this helps some... 5
LedHead21 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Unfortunately, I have a photographic memory and I remember pics he sent me or songs he really liked around the "bad times" and I wonder if they were sent to her as well. He'll say things like "we never take pics together" and I wonder if he says that because he was looking back on how many stupid pictures they had together. I can hear a song that was popular around the time I was oblivious and my heart instantly aches. looking back on my pregnancy is an absolute no go for me. Maybe one day it won't be this way..but to say I'm constantly triggered is an understatement. I understand exactly what you mean about getting short and sarcastic, I'm the same way. Talking about it helps sometimes, but I've found distractions that help keep my mind busy are the only way to soldier through. I'm 1month post D-day tomorrow. I hope that the stupid saying "time heals all wounds" is true because I miss having an unbroken mind. Hang in there OP..we are always here to listen if you need to vent. 3
Just a Guy Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Hi Unforeseen, firstly, I would think you should be referring to your spouse as fWW if at all since she is on the level now and should not qualify as a WW. That should also help eliminate the quandry that you seem to face as to whether to address her as your WW or your W. She was a WW at a point of time but has now reverted to being loyal to you. However, the tag of WW cannot be so easily done away with especially in your mind. By addressing her as fWW you solve the problem. Although, that is not to say that you cannot start referring to her as your W since that is entirely up to you! Secondly, I wanted to ask you what decided you on reconciliation with your wife as I remember a post you made in some one else's thread where you seemed deeply hurt and humiliated by your wife's extra curricular activities. It seemed to me that for some one to come back from that would be something impossible. If you do care to clarify I would be grateful. Thanks. Warm wishes. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) I know this sounds cold and hard but it's just the way I feel and I will tell you that I respect your choice to stay and work it out but for me it's a "One and done" situation. Once the cheater has been caught, to me it's too late to make it right. In my case I told her that you made your choice and didn't think when it came to the marriage and now after the fact you now want to make it right. Doesn't work that way. You made your choice so now live with it. To be honest if I was the one that cheated, yeah I might beg for the second chance too but I would know that there's a better chance that I would be told to pack up and leave too and I would pay the price for it so it swings both ways. In my opinion when I don't have to share a house with the person who was supposed to have my back and be at my side because she decided to have her thing on the side, I know that any triggers I might have wont last long because the person who caused the trigger isn't there. That's just me. I can't say that it would work for you but it did for me and I can live with it. Comes a point in time when my sanity is more important then hers. Edited May 8, 2017 by bubbaganoosh 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Triggers equal memories and they will happen the rest of your life The good news is...they happen less frequently and their intensity also decreases. But there will always be triggers There are no good triggers to talk about...becasue well...quite frankly...they make you trigger. I cheated 33 years ago...triggers still happen for both of us. I still refer to myself as a ww.... When do you stop freferring to your wife as a ww and start calling her a fww? or just a w? Thats up to you... Welcome to the world of infidelity...the gift that keeps on giving 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Unforeseen, firstly, I would think you should be referring to your spouse as fWW if at all since she is on the level now and should not qualify as a WW. That should also help eliminate the quandry that you seem to face as to whether to address her as your WW or your W. She was a WW at a point of time but has now reverted to being loyal to you. However, the tag of WW cannot be so easily done away with especially in your mind. By addressing her as fWW you solve the problem. Although, that is not to say that you cannot start referring to her as your W since that is entirely up to you! Secondly, I wanted to ask you what decided you on reconciliation with your wife as I remember a post you made in some one else's thread where you seemed deeply hurt and humiliated by your wife's extra curricular activities. It seemed to me that for some one to come back from that would be something impossible. If you do care to clarify I would be grateful. Thanks. Warm wishes. i am 33 years out...I still refer to myself as a ww does it really freaking matter what we title ourselves?
Just a Guy Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Mrs Adams, what I posted was more in a lighter vein than so very serious. Also it was in response to Unforeseen's question to himself as to whether he continues referring to his wife as WW or W. Anyway thank you for your comment. Warm wishes.
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 I can see why you triggered. I would too if I were you. If the trigger is big enough I would tell my wife. Mostly for me the triggers and mind movies faded from sexually specific to general triggers when I thought she was being selfish. Then faded altogether. But talk to her. Tell her how you felt. You should be able to. Don't be afraid she will give up on the marriage or trying if you tell her you triggered... how she reacts can go a long way in building the relationship back. Not telling her prevents her from having that opportunity. I'm 3 years out and I still call her my ww... The way is see it is I'm fully healed when I no longer hurt... which I've reached. And the marriage is fully healed when I can once again take pride in having married her.... not there yet. But I do feel it getting closer. Do you journal? That makes sense. I spent a lot of years stone walking my WW and when I am feeling stressed it's too easy to fall back into that habit of keeping her in the dark as to what's going on in my head. It's something in working on thanks to IC and MC. I am getting better about letting her know that something has triggered me and she has been getting better at supporting me when that happens. About the end of March when I found this forum I sent her a copy of the things a WW should know. I can tell she read it and took it to heart as she almost immediately started using the lessons there to help in out R. Oddly enough one of the bigger challenges for me has been admitting to being triggered by something. Often it feels embarrassing to admit like telling someone a weakness. Yet as you say if I don't tell her I rob her of an opportunity to keep trying to set things right again. I have been using a journal to help get my feelings out. Sometimes it's because I don't have immediate access to my WW or so I can remember to bring something up IC that might otherwise slip my mind. It's interesting to look back and see that the amount of triggering seems to be going down, but when I am triggered now the intensity of it seems to be greater. Maybe it's because the triggers now are based on deeper issues rather than superficial. For example it used to be that if we were watching a TV show that depicted infedelity I would have to get myself out of the situation and away from her and the show.
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Mrs Adams, what I posted was more in a lighter vein than so very serious. Also it was in response to Unforeseen's question to himself as to whether he continues referring to his wife as WW or W. Anyway thank you for your comment. Warm wishes. I read his post...when do I start referring to her as a w instead of a fww it's up to him....whatever he is comfortable with...but i would think after 20 months WW still applies..he has a very long way to go to declare healing and successful reconciliation I would say...shes a WW for a long time...a very long time If i had never experienced infidelity..I would not be here...I would not be giving advice...I would not have a clue...I would not care 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Yes. My H does this too (he's also the BH). I am the WW. I feel like I'm going to have to wear that for a long time. Don't keep it in, it just makes it worse. Express how you feel to her: "I'm feeling angry right now because.... " and say what you said here. It is part of the process of you healing and she needs to hear that. You don't have to describe the mind movies in the ice cream shop, but you can just say you're imagining what happened last time you were there and you are feeling angry and hurt. That is certainly something I am working on. I still get stuck sometimes though. With something so emotionally overwhelming I've needed a lot of help from MC and IC to express anger without treating her in a mean way. It may not be the best tactic but sometimes I will admit to her that I want to say something mean and hurtful but I am trying to find a better way to express myself. It has been helping me get the point across that I am upset with out treating her poorly My H starts to get sarcastic and/or silent when he triggers and we've really had to work on him expressing his anger because otherwise it comes out with mean comments, which isn't helpful to anyone. I am guilty of this too. I have a lot of work to do in avoiding passive aggressive behaviors Her part is listening and acknowledging your feelings. Since I showed her the things every WW should know she had really taken those lessons seroiusly. In many ways it's like she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing to help me and to help us None of this is easy, and neither of you are going to do this R thing "perfectly," but I'm learning the big thing is communication. Just putting the feelings out there helps let them go. My BH will say, "I expressed I'm angry at you and it didn't help. I still feel angry." But I think he will for a long time, but with time, I hope that can ease for him. I'm finding the preemptive apology a useful tactic. Often I will say or do something dumb that I quickly recognize as being hurtful or mean. I try to apologize for being unloving before I get called out on it if that makes any sense The road is rocky. We can only do the best we can... I agree with journaling. My BH doesn't do this, but I do and it helps a lot. I can really see my "wayward" thinking when I look back to where I was to where I am now... But I still have a long way to go. But it feels good to know I'm taking baby steps. Most days it's about the little victories and I am happy for you that you are achieving them. Sorry if I'm rambling. Hope this helps some... Not rambling at all and I appreciate your words and opinions. I have been finding so much helpful information here and wisdom of experience from all sides of the issue. Thank you for what you have shared. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Unfortunately, I have a photographic memory and I remember pics he sent me or songs he really liked around the "bad times" and I wonder if they were sent to her as well. He'll say things like "we never take pics together" and I wonder if he says that because he was looking back on how many stupid pictures they had together. I can hear a song that was popular around the time I was oblivious and my heart instantly aches. looking back on my pregnancy is an absolute no go for me. Maybe one day it won't be this way..but to say I'm constantly triggered is an understatement. I understand exactly what you mean about getting short and sarcastic, I'm the same way. Talking about it helps sometimes, but I've found distractions that help keep my mind busy are the only way to soldier through. I'm 1month post D-day tomorrow. I hope that the stupid saying "time heals all wounds" is true because I miss having an unbroken mind. Hang in there OP..we are always here to listen if you need to vent. I can see where you're coming from on that. I still have a few issues with even things that I was doing around d day. I was reading a series of books that have always been enjoyable and have read them many times. I was in the middle of the series when d day happened and 20 months later I still have no desire to pick them up again. I can also see what you mean about distractions. At first I spent so much time and many sleepless nights just going over things in my head. But then even distractions could be dangerous. With the right support I hope you will find as I did that things will get better. It seemed at first that any distraction I tried to pick up would be end up being full of triggers, reminders, and pitfalls. Now it is less so but I still have to watch myself to avoid letting things overwhelm me when I do get triggered. Spending a day or two spatting with my WW and generally being grumpy and out of sorts isn't a whole lot of fun. 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Unforeseen, firstly, I would think you should be referring to your spouse as fWW if at all since she is on the level now and should not qualify as a WW. That should also help eliminate the quandry that you seem to face as to whether to address her as your WW or your W. She was a WW at a point of time but has now reverted to being loyal to you. However, the tag of WW cannot be so easily done away with especially in your mind. By addressing her as fWW you solve the problem. Although, that is not to say that you cannot start referring to her as your W since that is entirely up to you! Secondly, I wanted to ask you what decided you on reconciliation with your wife as I remember a post you made in some one else's thread where you seemed deeply hurt and humiliated by your wife's extra curricular activities. It seemed to me that for some one to come back from that would be something impossible. If you do care to clarify I would be grateful. Thanks. Warm wishes. Just a Guy, That is a pretty good idea. That does better describe my opinion of my WW and I like the idea of using fWW as it allows me to recognize and state the progress she has made for me and for us and for herself. Thank you for the advice. I would be happy to clarify what I think sounds like a rapidly changing opinion. At d day in my panic I decided right away that I wanted to save my marriage. That it was my responsibility to save my marriage. I'm talking the night I discovered. I was not in the right frame of mind nor did I have all the information I needed to be making such a decision and yet I did so anyway. My fWW helped me along by blame shifting and other tactics to let me take up all the guilt of the A and enforce my decision that I needed to fix the M. A week later she changed my mind about where the fault lay when I discovered she was still carrying on with another OM. That was a big turning point for me when everything shifted in my mind from my fault to her fault. I gave her an ultimatum that it was them or me and left for work. She picked me and allowed access to all of her devices and accounts as proof. I had no clue about NC or 180 at this point and was going by the seat of my pants for the most part. Several months of the wrong kind of MC (good for marriage issues but didn't help me) and I was beginning to regret my decisions. She was still talking with a OM, husband emotional replacement, and was still involved in the online video game that started the whole mess. Then she surprised me again and on her own did some more work towards R. She saw how her contact and activities were causing me pain and voluntarily stopped contact and playing the online game. At that point I started regaining hope that I had made the correct decision even if it had been for all the wrong reasons at the beginning. I think the inconsistency occurs from when I post to other people it is a snapshot of some of the worst bits in an effort to convey my opinion or otherwise offer what advice that I can. Don't get me wrong, this experience has been about the worst thing I have ever been through and I have been finding that through writing I am best able to express what I have felt or am feeling. Yes I have been horribly hurt and humiliated through all of this like many that have suffered through the same. My goal from the beginning was R and I am happy that I have stuck through that even when it seemed like I should not have. My fWW has been working also towards that goal with increasing determination to prove to me that she is safe and can someday be trusted again. I see it in her eyes during our deep discussions and in the way she has been improving herself and in how she has been working with me to improve our relationship. 2
Just a Guy Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Hi Mrs. Adams, I am sorry you feel that "I would not care" would have been your atitude if you had personally not been affected by infidelity. I guess as human beings we should always care about our fellow human beings whenever we find that they are in a situation where they cannot help themselves or need a helping hand. I'm sorry but that is how I feel. I may be wrong. Warm wishes. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 I know this sounds cold and hard but it's just the way I feel and I will tell you that I respect your choice to stay and work it out but for me it's a "One and done" situation. Once the cheater has been caught, to me it's too late to make it right. In my case I told her that you made your choice and didn't think when it came to the marriage and now after the fact you now want to make it right. Doesn't work that way. You made your choice so now live with it. To be honest if I was the one that cheated, yeah I might beg for the second chance too but I would know that there's a better chance that I would be told to pack up and leave too and I would pay the price for it so it swings both ways. In my opinion when I don't have to share a house with the person who was supposed to have my back and be at my side because she decided to have her thing on the side, I know that any triggers I might have wont last long because the person who caused the trigger isn't there. That's just me. I can't say that it would work for you but it did for me and I can live with it. Comes a point in time when my sanity is more important then hers. Is that so cold and harsh? Really I don't think so. That is your boundary and there is nothing wrong with that. I would be lying to say I have not contimplated that approach many times in the past 20 months. I know I'm many ways it would be easier. Then I would have to put myself at such risk with the woman that hurt me so much. I do have my boundaries and my fWW knows exactly what they are. Even with those boundaries in place I am still opening myself up to a lot more potential pain. I by offering R I have signed myself up for many years of difficult work. It certainly isn't for everyone and in the end it may still turn out to be the wrong choice for me. I certainly hope not but am aware of that risk. 1
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 Mrs. John Adams, I have learned to look forward to your responses as they tend to offer a great deal of insight. I know that one of my failings is to try to bring humor into a situation where really it is not appropriate in an attempt to lighten things up and help me deal with it. Perhaps not the best method. I apologize if what I have said or how I have said it was offensive. I do not want to appear ungrateful or that I am not taking seriously the topics covered here. I have learned a great deal since I have started reading and posting to this forum. The reason I brought this up is that my WW has been working pretty heavily on the differences between shame, regret, and remorse in IC. In my mind the title I give her does have importance as it can help or hurt the mindset I have while helping her heal also. If I perpetuate a negative opinion of her when I'm not directly dealing with her it will bleed over into my interactions with her. It sounds like you are very familiar with what my WW is going through right now. She is stuck in a position of shame that is in many ways impeding her progress with regret and remorse. That is to say she is stuck feeling like the betrayal she committed makes her a bad person. I feel like in order for this R to truly continue she will need to eventually move on from that and forgive herself as I am also working to someday be able to forgive her. I also know that I cannot absolve her of her shame but I can work to give her an environment where she can move in that direction. Since most of that work is also helpful in continuing to improve our M it is not the burden that I make it out to be. You have correctly defined affairs though as the gift that keeps on giving. I know I have stated similar things to my WW when I have been low or frustrated. I do see a sad point about titles though. Someday we may progress to the point where I desire to just call her my W again or can honestly and without major doubts at least say she is my fWW. But even then I will wear the title of BS for the rest of my days. A unforeseen consequence of the choices my WS made. 2
seren Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 In the first few years some triggers had me throw up, other times I would withdraw and be very quiet, which is not me, H would ask what was wrong and I would say, nothing, he would keep on asking until I told him and yes, the day was ruined. Now, if I trigger, which is rare these days, I still go quiet, he will ask what's wrong and I will say, I am having a tough time, he will give me either space or a hug, he knows when the right time is the right time for a hug. If we need to talk about it, then we do, but keep it short as it is old ground and I hated the groundhog feeling of always going over the same stuff. My H still struggles with his guilt and I too recognise when he needs a hug or space. I always call him my H and I am an XBS, but that is just for clarity when posting, otherwise, he is who he has always been as am I, just a bit battered around the edges. x 3
NTV Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 On a side note about the journaling, one side benefit of doing it is that I was able to track things that make me happier and understand them better. Like eating at my favorite lunch restaurant was good one or two times a week but more than that took the fun out of it. That's just an example. And for those first two years. ... I needed all the happiness I could get. 2
Just a Guy Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) Hi Unforeseen, Thank you for responding to my post addressed to you and for clarifying the queries I had raised therein. I am all for reconciliation with a WS IF they are sufficiently remorseful and undertake the 'Heavy Lifting' as is prescribed so often on this forum. However, if a WS is not remorseful and by his/her actions shows that he/ she couldn't care less about the BS and their pain then, in my opinion, reconciliation is a wasted effort and only helps to prolong the pain of the BS ultimately leading to what should have happened in the first place, namely, divorce. From what you have written in clarification, I think your WS realized in the nick of time what she stood to lose and what she had to do to save her marriage with you. A little more delay on her part and her continued stone walling of your pain and your need for her to do the necessary work to repair the damage she had caused and I think you would have pulled the plug, burnt your bridges and moved on, by which time even if she moved heaven and earth there would have been no looking back for you. At any rate I am happy for you that things worked out well for you and I am sure your wife has learnt the lesson of her lifetime and such lapses on her part are unlikely to recur in the future. With regard to the triggers that you have brought up, I think this is an inevitable part of the hideous fact of infidelity. It is something like having lost a loved one. There will be occasions when one is involved in something like, say, a birthday party for a child or some other such occasion and all of a sudden one will be reminded of the loved one who has passed on because he/ she was so much a part of such occasions in previous years. One will have fond memories tinged with sadness as one remembers the involvement and presence of the loved one who is no more. Sadly, triggers, although caused by much the same situations, are the opposite in their effect. They refresh the pain and hurt that one felt when one first confronted the situation that produced these. I also think that triggers are nature's way of reminding us of an event that shattered us and caused us so much pain so that we remain mindful of what can happen when we become careless and complacent. Your wife seeing that you are troubled will remind her that your pain is still present and although not as acute as in the days following D Day, is an ever present reminder to her of your vulnerability and of the need for her to reinforce her boundaries from time to time. I would suggest that you not look on your triggers as something painful and unnecessary but as buoys in the ocean which mark out dangerous waters and need to be circumnavigated. That should put a positive spin on them and make both of you feel good about things. Warm wishes. Edited May 8, 2017 by Just a Guy 4
Whoknew30 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 I never experienced triggers but my H has. I never knew when he did, he'd tell after the fact...but it's been many, many years. After awhile in most cases, it goes away. May I ask why you would go to a place to relax that would bring this out? Maybe you need to seek new places for relaxation & fun for awhile. It's been 20 months, it's all still recent. She seems to be putting the work & even that you wanted to go away with her sounds extremely positive. Reconciliation is too each is own, labels are two each is own. You'll get to the when you see your W as just your W & not WW...good luck!
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 Triggers equal memories and they will happen the rest of your life The good news is...they happen less frequently and their intensity also decreases. But there will always be triggers There are no good triggers to talk about...becasue well...quite frankly...they make you trigger. .... Welcome to the world of infidelity...the gift that keeps on giving ^ Truth! My wife's affair was 18 years ago and I still trigger. We no longer live where the affair happened, but we both have family there. To this day I can't stay in that geographical area more than a few days before I feel depressed. I can't imagine living in the same location as her affair; too many triggers. The last big trigger I had involved my teenage daughter. She was asking my wife about boyfriends. Our daughter has never a boyfriend. My wife made a statement along the lines of "once you meet your [future] boyfriend, you'll know that he's 'the' guy". Of course I transferred that to her "boyfriend" AP. That stuck me like a bolt of lightning and a kick in the groin. I've learned over the years to keep the small triggers to myself. The big ones she can sense. Sometimes we talk about them, sometimes we don't. 1
understand50 Posted May 8, 2017 Posted May 8, 2017 You have correctly defined affairs though as the gift that keeps on giving. I know I have stated similar things to my WW when I have been low or frustrated. I do see a sad point about titles though. Someday we may progress to the point where I desire to just call her my W again or can honestly and without major doubts at least say she is my fWW. But even then I will wear the title of BS for the rest of my days. A unforeseen consequence of the choices my WS made. Unforseen, In my opinion, triggers are just anther thing to overcome. Yes, after all these years I still trigger. I just do not allow myself to wallow in them. As John had stated, they are memories, and they are in the past. You will always remember what you wife did, and you will always,deep down, hold it against her, but you can recognize this and be fair with her. What I mean about that, is you do not keep trowing it at her, unless it is germain to the conversation. When she messes up with something else, as we all do from time to time, it is not taken out to make her life miserable. It is up to you to decide what to call you wife, just your wife. In my case, she has always been my wife. I have never used the fWW label. If she does that is fine, but as I have forgiven her, I keep to my forgiveness. Her label is what you are making it. Decide how to proceed and then take action. Keep to it. So, at this time, I would drop the fWW label. Look to a future with her, and when you trigger, and you will, remind yourself it is just me and my memories. It is not the here and now. As a aside, if your wife is even remotely remorseful, she will trigger as well, extend her compassion as well. Cut her slack, as she tries to answer questions about love and your marriage together, to her children and others, and not let them know just how badly she messed up. When this happen with my wife, as our children do not know, I give her a pass. She is talking about me. I wish you luck..... 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 In the first few years some triggers had me throw up, other times I would withdraw and be very quiet, which is not me, H would ask what was wrong and I would say, nothing, he would keep on asking until I told him and yes, the day was ruined. Now, if I trigger, which is rare these days, I still go quiet, he will ask what's wrong and I will say, I am having a tough time, he will give me either space or a hug, he knows when the right time is the right time for a hug. If we need to talk about it, then we do, but keep it short as it is old ground and I hated the groundhog feeling of always going over the same stuff. My H still struggles with his guilt and I too recognise when he needs a hug or space. I always call him my H and I am an XBS, but that is just for clarity when posting, otherwise, he is who he has always been as am I, just a bit battered around the edges. x Seren, thank you for responding. I too am finding that my response to triggers is as verried as the triggers themselves. Seems to usually fall into 2 categories though. Most either make me sad and withdrawn or angry to the point where I want to verbally lash out and hurt my WW. I am working hard at keeping me WW informed as to what's going on with me as yourself and others have suggested. It is a pretty big change from the way I used to 'deal' with my feelings and I sometimes still struggle with expressing myself in a useful way. I was a big time bottler of emotion and only let it out when I exploded in hurtful ways or with passive aggressive methods also more about hurting my WW than truly just letting her know what's going on in my head. When I do open up though I have that issue of trampling the same ground over and over again. It is also something we are working on together. My WW is working to keep up emotional boundaries so that her stamina can be better and I am working to more constructively express myself and maybe refer to past conversations instead of dragging every little bit out every time I need to talk to her. I'm glad things are working for you and hope they keep getting better. 2
Author Unforseen Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 On a side note about the journaling, one side benefit of doing it is that I was able to track things that make me happier and understand them better. Like eating at my favorite lunch restaurant was good one or two times a week but more than that took the fun out of it. That's just an example. And for those first two years. ... I needed all the happiness I could get. A good point NTV. I also find myself getting too lost and occupied with all the negativity and bad feelings associated with all the affair mess. I think I need to start making some better notes and pay more attention to the times and activities that make me happy. In some ways I still don't feel like myself and find myself awake at odd hours chewing on the bad feelings or trying to analyze the same old information over and over again. Its too easy to get all wound up and stuck in deep emotional conversations and those can just wear you down. I forget that it's okay to take a little time off from that here and there to take care of myself and do the things that I enjoy. Thank you for that point.
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