Averages one girl a month. Major red flag?

May 7, 2017

YOU are way out of your depth with this guy. YOU seem to be already under his spell. YOU seem to think you are already "special" to him, that you are "different", but he is no doubt very used to getting all sorts of women into bed so be very careful. I guess he sees you as a "challenge", but that doesn't mean he really cares.

Just remember he "loved" you so much he was planning a hookup for later the same night you went out to dinner with him... Or was that just a ploy to make you jealous so you would hop into bed with him..

"Ordinary" people need to stay away from players as they tend to project their straightforward thinking onto the player and the player then takes advantage of the situation.

This guy is great if you want a fling or a man to spend some time with over the summer but if you want a man to marry then stay away as I predict he will be a complete waste of your time and you will get very hurt.

May 7, 2017

And just fyi, it's great being with a guy who is experienced and wants to impress you. A guy who is experienced and finds you disposable and so feels no need to impress you, not so much. But good sex is hard to find, and experience, whether it's one ex-wife who taught him everything or 50 women who did, is one less thing you have to train him to do right.

May 7, 2017

But a guy with experience that because he finds you to be possibly "the one" and treats you the way a woman should be treated..."like a queen", with respect and chivalry, is exciting, develops a rapport and who will drop the entourage is still worth working on. Past is just that if you can handle it.

May 7, 2017

Why does everyone think that many notches in the bedpost makes them a good to better lover? My experience it's 50/50....some are and some are definitely not. Most men....well the ones I have been with...only maybe at best 10% knew what they were doing and 2% were actually good.

May 7, 2017

You guys I get it you are letting her know something good can come out of this ...like for sure BUT it still doesn't change her view about what sex means to her, and the type of man she wishes to be with.

But hey if she can push her doubts aside, then it's a new step in her life to being more optimistic.

May 7, 2017

Those are boys not men. Do athletes practice? Do artists practice? Musicians? Isn't there some thing called education that would also apply to sex? Communication, understanding your partners wants and needs, understanding physiology of your partners, exploration of your partner means a lot. It's not just a little of the ole in an out (clockwork orange). Women often don't understand their own bodies. A lot don't even know or can't find their Gspots, a lot are afraid of new techniques or exploration of their and their partners bodies. A lot don't know of how to handle a man properly...same as boys. How many women are frigid or do not know especially in the beginning how to experience an orgasm or multiples? Easy for a man usually, sometimes harder for a woman. It's not all about orgasm.

May 7, 2017

The thing is....I KNOW my body very well even at an early age 11/12. The guy I dated that I mentioned was not a boy, yes he was in his mid 20s. He just assumed he was good, was an egotistic bastard that felt he didn't need direction because again he though he was that good because he slept with a lot of women. And that IS MY point....many does NOT always make a good lover.

You are talking to a 53 year old woman here who had plenty of "practice". I totally understand the dynamics of sexual relationships and encounters, and it's not just about orgasm yadda yaddy yadda.

I speak from MY experience, that many were not good listeners, or just can't understand or feel intimidated being told what to do, some were more interested in their needs, some felt they didn't need instruction, while others no matter how many times you slept with them they were just simply bad at it ( and this is from others that had slept with the poor sap). I totally get there are women who don't orgasm from penetration, or never had an organism or doesn't know her own body or can't find her Gstop....but I am not one of those women. I can find my Gspaot just fine thank you.

Not my first rodeo........

May 7, 2017

The thing is....I KNOW my body very well even at an early age 11/12. The guy I dated that I mentioned was not a boy, yes he was in his mid 20s. He just assumed he was good, was an egotistic bastard that felt he didn't need direction because again he though he was that good because he slept with a lot of women. And that IS MY point....many does NOT always make a good lover.

You are talking to a 53 year old woman here who had plenty of "practice". I totally understand the dynamics of sexual relationships and encounters, and it's not just about orgasm yadda yaddy yadda.

I speak from MY experience, that many were not good listeners, or just can't understand or feel intimidated being told what to do, some were more interested in their needs, some felt they didn't need instruction, while others no matter how many times you slept with them they were just simply bad at it ( and this is from others that had slept with the poor sap). I totally get there are women who don't orgasm from penetration, or never had an organism or doesn't know her own body or can't find her Gstop....but I am not one of those women. I can find my Gspaot just fine thank you.

Not my first rodeo........

Hahaha you crack me up, smackie. And I agree. Based on what I've heard from friends it's more like the ability to sing than playing an instrument - can be refined, but if you're not born with "it" you're probably always gonna be a bit

May 7, 2017

You guys I get it you are letting her know something good can come out of this ...like for sure BUT it still doesn't change her view about what sex means to her, and the type of man she wishes to be with.

But hey if she can push her doubts aside, then it's a new step in her life to being more optimistic.

Yuppers, we're saying that the fact that he's had a lot of women doesn't necessarily make him a bad person or a bad partner. The reason he's had so many women is that he's obviously quite attractive... same reason OP is interested. If he wasn't, she wouldn't give him a second thought.

She has essentially owned up to having the worthiness issue; why would a man who can have almost anyone choose me? And why would he stay with me when the temptation will be continuous?

And yes, she does seem to be projecting her personal values regarding sex on him, and that's completely irrational imho, because he's not her, and he's not female. If finding a super attractive, monogamous man is hard to do, just try finding a super attractive, monogamous man who has eschewed all or most sexual activity for forty years... who isn't gay, socially awkward, a jesuit priest, or is sporting a micro-penis.

Female logic amazes me sometimes... women want a top-five-percenter, alpha type... super confident but not arrogant, dominant but controllable, kind but not a pushover, etc., etc... and finally, they want him to be really good in bed; experienced but not too experienced. And even if he gets ninety-nine percent of all of this exactly right, guess which one percent they're going to be focused on? Yuppers.

May 7, 2017

FWIW.. a guy in his 40s that can average one girl per month is a serial dater.

I can't comment on whether that is a "red flag" and I don't even know what a "red flag" even means in this context. Usually the term "red flag" is used to refer to dangerous people and situations such a people prone to violence or something worse.

A guy that is able to score dates with a different women every month just means he is not unattractive and is social capable of scoring dates.

The reason I am calling him a serial dater is because, from my perspective, that's what it looks like to me. I am man in my late 40s. I have a lot of other things going on, and responsibilities and commitments in my life -- than constantly spending time dating a new woman every month. There would need to be a very good reason why I would spend the time and energy doing that with my time. Just my 2 cents worth.

May 7, 2017

I see a vast difference between "experienced" or even "slept around a lot in my 20s" vs a 40 something man who rotates between different women monthly for sex. The latter smacks, like cptinsano mentioned, of someone filling some void. Even attachment issues or sex "addict". The guy was even sleeping with others while they were dating. It's a totally a red flag if you're looking for a stable, monogamous relationships Guys who have done that for so long very rarely happy in the rship even if they do stay faithful. Does it mean it's 100% people don't change and settle happily later ? Nope just a red flag.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough

May 7, 2017

So it's not my main concern that he was sleeping with women while we were dating, we had not had the exclusivity discussion and I was on the fence about him because of his sexual history. So IMO he could do what he liked. I got grossed out by the three women he was having sex with at the same time as taking me to dinners a couple of times a week.

This seems to be a contradiction. You had no problem but yet had a problem with him sleeping with other women? So, if he sleeps with them on off nights when you didn't go to dinner, then it was fine?

I can't imagine a woman on this planet that wouldn't feel special by this guy. He seems so awesome. At least, in his defense, he seems honest.

Sex is not a requirement for life like breathing. It's an option and a serious matter in my opinion. Not even considering the possibility of an STD, the emotional requirement for me to have sex is high. I certainly have met women that can detach sex and emotion and they may as well have the plague...I won't even consider friendship with people like that. I support anyone in their choices but I also have a choice.

In the end, you will make a decision and I hope it's the right one. For me, never in a million years would I be with someone like this person that you describe.

The clincher for me was the statement about him "falling in love" with you early after meeting. So, he can love you and sleep with a different woman every month? And that will certainly change when you are together? The man has no idea what love is...

May 7, 2017

A red flag does not mean someone who is "dangerous or worse" it means essentially a deal-breaker, something that signifies a man or a woman is not worth dating, as it will all go pear-shaped.

It could be love bombing, it could be clinginess, it could be dishonesty, it could be "insane" behaviour, it could be having a crazy ex, etc. etc.

In this case, it is this man's promiscuity.

There is a misconception (mostly amongst men) that women in general find men who have bedded loads of women very attractive, when many women actually find it a complete turn off, in the same way many men do not want to date promiscuous women.

May 7, 2017

Just my 2 cents...

Yes' I've known men & women who were very active sexually , but when they decided to settle down, they were serious about it and was totally faithful. They changed phase in their mind.

These people are even more reliable because they don't have void or a sense of missed opportunities, they know what they want, and what they should give up for this. These people have a better chance to keep their word, much more than people who don't hesitate to spread fundamental swearing and vows, just to break them after a short while.

two other goods signs are: 1. The fact that he's been honest with you all along. 2. He listens to you, care about what's bothering you, and willing to make changes and actions to make you feel secure. I think that's great.

May 7, 2017

Just my 2 cents...

Yes' I've known men & women who were very active sexually , but when they decided to settle down, they were serious about it and was totally faithful. They changed phase in their mind.

These people are even more reliable because they don't have void or a sense of missed opportunities, they know what they want, and what they should give up for this. These people have a better chance to keep their word, much more than people who don't hesitate to spread fundamental swearing and vows, just to break them after a short while.

two other goods signs are: 1. The fact that he's been honest with you all along. 2. He listens to you, care about what's bothering you, and willing to make changes and actions to make you feel secure. I think that's great.

So according to you, someone like me that is very sexually active but with only one partner and who has never been unfaithful in a relationship has less chance of staying faithful than someone that has never really ever been faithful to anyone other than themselves and on top of that has to actually change their behavior? Sounds perfectly logical to me...

They changed phase in their mind (whatever that means) means to me that it's a choice. So, I guess they can choose to go back to their old ways, huh? Me, I only have one way and that is exclusivity and monogamy. I have never once thought about what I was missing and I certainly have no void to fill. But I am funny in the sense that when I am in love with someone, that person is actually the only person that I will have sex with. Crazy, right?

The obvious thing for OP to do is have an open relationship with dude and not swear any vows. Seems the only thing that may be off the table is that he can't bang a different chick on dinner night.

Oh, and the thought that surely he's a great lover because he has had so many partners is ludicrous.

You can drive 12 different cars one month at a time and I will master one car for a year and I will guarantee that I will win racing against you. You will be fumbling with the shifter and throttle and clutch look like a friggin novice (which you will be) while I can sense the RPMs from sound alone and know exactly when to ease up or hammer the throttle. I win...

May 7, 2017

Various people make different choices. Somebody who has always chosen monogamy is like to continue to do so. Somebody like the guy in OP's life, was open about the bad stuff & is behaving with a great deal of transparency. He can't erase his past but he's not shying away from it.

In this case, I see reasons to take a change on him. That is not to say the OP -- or any other woman -- shouldn't trust a good guy with a more conventional less colorful past love life.

People need to be judged on their own merits.

May 7, 2017

I can't agree. Bad sex is from people who don't communicate. You may know your body but that doesn't mean your partner does. Someone that dates a lot hopefully is an experienced lover and knows what to do but sometimes people just don't click or they don't listen: making them boys not men.. Sometimes women after menopause change, men too. Just because he or she dates a lot doesn't mean they don't want just one person and is experimenting with many to go thru the meat market to find that one.

May 7, 2017

Various people make different choices. Somebody who has always chosen monogamy is like to continue to do so. Somebody like the guy in OP's life, was open about the bad stuff & is behaving with a great deal of transparency. He can't erase his past but he's not shying away from it.

In this case, I see reasons to take a change on him. That is not to say the OP -- or any other woman -- shouldn't trust a good guy with a more conventional less colorful past love life.

People need to be judged on their own merits.

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with this guy's behavior. Now, if you ask me if he's a good catch or likely to be faithful, my instinct is to say no. Because his views or actions are completely different from mine doesn't mean that they are bad or good. If OP is looking for a stable, monogamous, partner is he the best choice? Probably not. My love life has probably been much more colorful than his and I have no idea what conventional even means.

I agree that people need to be judged by their own merits which is why I would never hire a former child molester as a babysitter regardless of how much they sad that they had changed...

There are some things that you simply do not get a pass on in life. No one makes him sleep with so many women just like no one makes me monogamous. It's a choice we both make. And I will be danged if he gets to play on my field just because he says he wants to. Prove yourself first. OP should see if he's willing to be monogamous with her for a year or more and let him put his money where his mouth is. I suspect he will fail...

May 7, 2017

I got grossed out by the three women he was having sex with at the same time as taking me to dinners a couple of times a week. I found out that at least two times we went out for the evening and at the same time he had hookups lined up later that night (he knew early on I was not going to sleep with him anytime soon). I know because the second time he kept messaging on his phone so I asked him what it was for. He admitted it was for a hookup, and apparently the longer our date went on he kept delaying this other girl coming to his apartment.

I just fail to see how a guy who on a date with the OP arranged to hook up with another girl later that same evening, is somehow seen as a great and trustworthy guy and relationship material for this woman who is looking for something serious...

I cannot see many of the guys here who are egging on this poor girl to accept this jerk, being too pleased if this was a girl who was setting up a hook up with some other dude, whilst still at the dinner table on a date... I am sure they would be telling her "date" to run away as fast as he can, not suggest a promiscuous woman would make great marriage material for him...

What he did there shows a total lack of respect for the OP. and no empathy whatsoever.

What sort of a person does that?

She was right to dump him, but now he has the nerve to show up again...

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” ~ Maya Angelou

May 7, 2017

I see a vast difference between "experienced" or even "slept around a lot in my 20s" vs a 40 something man who rotates between different women monthly for sex. The latter smacks, like cptinsano mentioned, of someone filling some void. Even attachment issues or sex "addict". The guy was even sleeping with others while they were dating. It's a totally a red flag if you're looking for a stable, monogamous relationships Guys who have done that for so long very rarely happy in the rship even if they do stay faithful. Does it mean it's 100% people don't change and settle happily later ? Nope just a red flag.

I agree with this statement.

I was no angel in my youth but I have become much more conservative when it comes to sex as I have hit middle age. I don't take physical intimacy lightly anymore for a number of reasons. And, one of them is STDs... It just takes one hot n' heavy slip up and your life is turned upside down. I tend to be a bit suspicious of anyone that is middle aged and promiscuous as it certainly does seem they're either trying to fill some void or they're trying to relive their youth. Neither of which is a good thing.

May 8, 2017

So according to you, someone like me that is very sexually active but with only one partner and who has never been unfaithful in a relationship has less chance of staying faithful than someone that has never really ever been faithful to anyone other than themselves and on top of that has to actually change their behavior? Sounds perfectly logical to me..

Words are just words, and you really have the right to say anything. But when you define a man that was sexually active "never ever been faithful to anyone other than himself", you manipulate reality and make some fundamental assumptions. You judge people according to an impossible scale.

I, however, try not to judge anyone. I don't have the wisdom to know what's right and what's wrong (as you may have). I speak only trough my experience. And my experience proves that yes... it's exactly like you described.

A man who has been with just one woman for many years, might feel a huge hunger and lust when he is in the market again, and the first next woman he meets risk herself to be a rebound. I've seen it happen so many times that people after a very long relationship feel they should extract the single lifestyle first. Many of them doesn't admit it... They might fall in love very quickly but I would recommend their new partner to be careful not to believe their love declarations so quickly.

It's not a rule, of course. Anything can happen. But I've this pattern happened so many times.

Edited May 8, 2017 by lolablue17

May 8, 2017

How else is one supposed to find a relationship without going through the gamut? The first person you date is more than likely not going to be "the one". Yet that doesn't stop the physical need for company. I've dated an awful lot but still haven't found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know she's out there though. In the mean time I don't want to be lonely and will make a lot of friends with or without benefits. It doesn't have to be a rebound always, you never know and keep an open mind. I'm separated 3 years divorced 3 months and dated a lot but still looking. Still long for my family back but trying my best to get back into the swing of things which includes relationships and business.

May 9, 2017

Each person has their own sexual "blueprint" if you will; their own level of "needs", sex drive, appetites. You have to decide for yourself if you think the two of you can be sexually compatible and if you are willing to take a gamble on this guy.

In my mind, quantity is not the same as quality. Having a lot of different girlfriends, sure that could indicate he's just someone who can attract a lot of different people. But it could also mean he can't keep them happy for very long because it doesn't stick. Then, it could just mean he likes to experiment a lot and likes variety. Some men are like that.

I would be totally turned off by someone who is arranging a romp with another girl during a dinner date with me. Go with your gut.

What is your gut telling you? Sometimes when we find ourselves in a quandry and sure what to do, it's best to listen to your gut as there seem to be no clear cut answers.

May 9, 2017

Sounds like you don't trust him.

He doesn't sound like someone I'd get involved with, but then again, he's not trying to wife me up. He's bringing that to you, so what do you think?

May 9, 2017

Sorry, A guy who is talking to or texting another woman while on a date is not someone anyone should be with. What utter lack of respect. What contempt! He's out with you , even if it's not working out he should be courteous enough to wait until it's over to be trolling.

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Averages one girl a month. Major red flag?

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