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Averages one girl a month. Major red flag?

blueberrymuffin

By blueberrymuffin
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blueberrymuffin Member

blueberrymuffin

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I think this is a red flag, but I'm curious to see how major others think this, if at all. A good looking, intelligent, successful guy who sleeps around a lot. How would you judge him if he has slept with an average of one girl a month. He's been sexually active since 16, was in a 13 year relationship, and is now 41. On either side of the relationship he has averaged one girl a month. Do the math. Sometimes it's two or three a month but then other times he is casually dating somebody so may not sleep with a new girl for a couple of months. So basically it evens out to one a month. Does this ring alarm bells for people? Of is it just me being paranoid. Background: he is ready for marriage and kids, we were dating casually with absolutely no sex just kissing at the end of dates and he was not open but did not lie about sleeping with other girls while he was dating me. I dumped him. He has now dumped all remaining girls he was sleeping with (sometimes he will have two or three on the go at the same time). He has proved to me that he has deleted all dating apps and is just taking me to dinners and not pressuring me for sex at all. He calls every night to prove he is not with a girl even though I have never asked him to do this. Does this sound like a guy who would one day, 2 kids later, get bored of vanilla wifey sex and download tinder or visit a hooker? Or do people change? Oh and also he has been to strip clubs and got private lap dances. Not a lot of times but occasionally. I do worry about people who sever emotions from sex. But then I'm open to being wrong about this. Perhaps I am being extra sensitive.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You know him. We don't. It's hard to get the sense of a person third hand through the internet

 

 

It seems like he's ready to settle down & is proving his seriousness to you. But there are no guarantees. Even a guy without his track record could get bored years later. At least this guy knows what's out there so if he commits IMO it's unlikely that he'll get GIGS

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Titanll Established Member

Titanll

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I'm sure plenty will say that without a commitment, he could do whatever he wanted. Personally, I would not have a relationship with a woman that was sleeping with other men while we were dating. You dumped him when you found out, I assume, just as I would.

 

The fact that he cut contact with the others after the fact would make no difference to me at all.

 

To me, the things that he did prior to you is his business only. He was having sex with other women and dating you as well. If you have no problem with that, why did you dump him? If you have a problem with that, why are you expecting him to change?

 

Surely there are other men to date.

  • Like 2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I would never date someone who was having sex with other women at the same time.

And yes, what he has done prior to meeting you is his business. However, I would never date someone with a sexual history such as this man... even if he was tested for STDs (which I would insist upon)... It's just not something I would be comfortable doing.

  • Like 6
grays Established Member

grays

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I dont see any red flags at all. Sounds to me like he was dating and honest all around until he found someone he wanted something more with. Thats exactly how Im running my life right now, same basic numbers. I would very much like for one of these guys to eventually be great enough that I only want to be with him. But what I always end up with are guys who're really fun to hang out with and I have some kind of connection with them but theres something not quite right. If I found one that worked for me that would be a game changer.

 

Of course a lot of people dont have sex with people that theyre not ready to have a full on relationship with. And maybe you only wanna be with someone like that. But I dont think his way of handling his love life means the things youre scared it means. I also did it before and after marriage and I was 100% faithful and committed to my husband for 25 years. (He left me for another woman while I was crazy in love with him.)

 

I dont know why he behaves this way. Before I met my ex I think I did it just because I really enjoyed getting a piece of a lot of people. I like short intense relationships a lot. I also like sex a lot. And I liked being married a lot, too. Now I do it for those reasons and because Im looking for someone who can be more of a partner. Id be very happy to walk away from all the others and just have one I really dig.

 

On the plus side, I bet hes great in bed. Ive been with enough men to know that theres a huge difference between those that make sex a priority and those that dont.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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It's not really a "red flag", but it is about your preference/ moral values. You don't like this type of guy or his particular dating style or attitude towards sex, then don't date him, simple as that.

 

And to the above poster....I dated such a type of guy, he had a new GF like every 3 weeks, and they would take him back promptly if he couldn't find anyone new at the time....he was surprisingly not that good in bed, definitely had way better.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Him sleeping with others while dating me would be the issue. I would have dumped him too.

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fromheart Established Member

fromheart

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Your jealous of his past, he has had sex with other women while dating you.

 

Its not the best start to a relationship in all honesty.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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She isn't jealous, she feels devalued, and wonders about his integrity.

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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Background: he is ready for marriage and kids, we were dating casually with absolutely no sex just kissing at the end of dates and he was not open but did not lie about sleeping with other girls while he was dating me. I dumped him.

 

Dating casually with no sex... what does that mean exactly? Had you had the exclusivity discussion at that time? If not, then he wasn't technically under any obligation to you, right? But you feel that he should've been abstinent, and he should've known that was your expectation?

 

He's obviously a guy who women want to sleep with, is social and and has a healthy libido. Most guys like that are going to have similar history. And these qualities are the same ones that you find attractive as well. Men don't have the expectation of virtue in the same way as women. Yes, I know some will say that's not fair, but that's the way it's been through the millennia. It's just now starting to be that women aren't judged harshly for sexuality, as most will say is only fair... but what you're doing, in effect, is holding a man to the old female chastity expectations.

 

But he's into you now and willing to forego being sexually active until you become sexual with him. If the genders were reversed and it was a woman who was sexually active while no promise of exclusivity existed, most of these women who are saying he's a scoundrel would be touting a woman's right to lead life on her own terms.

 

I also noticed was that you said he'd be dating someone for awhile and not sleeping with others, so it does seem like he's monogamous when in a relationship.

 

But you're worried because you know he can get women, and on some level you're afraid that you're not worthy... afraid that because he can he will, because you aren't enough. And you're sort of attributing this to his character, but to be honest there's nothing here to indicate bad character.

 

Could it be that you'd be more comfortable with a less attractive guy that other women don't want to sleep with? Nope, that's not how it works is it... women want one of those attractive, experienced men that all women want, but they want him to not want other women! Wait! Isn't that the situation here?

 

Sometimes you just can't have it both ways. I'd say you have a few choices: a) date him and determine if his character is good, b) dump him and date less attractive men (way less) because they're safer, or c) find a man who is uber attractive and all women want, but he's not interested in them... and not gay.

Edited by salparadise
preraph Established Member

preraph

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He's single and as long as he's being transparent and shuts it down once he decides he likes someone enough to be her boyfriend, I see no real problem with it. But then I came of age in the 70s when guys were probably sleeping with more than one a week and then the late 80s rock scene when some guys had a steady stream night and day.

 

Be sure you wear condoms, though. (I mean, be sure he does)

 

Numbers does not necessarily reflect how faithful a person will be, as long as their numbers happened while they were single and uncommitted and they were honest about it. So what you need to know is how are his ethics. He came clean with you. But probably at least some time in the past he led someone on because most of us have.

 

I had numbers when young, but when I feel in love and whether it was even returned or not, I didn't even want anyone else. In fact, I had to make myself stop that on one of the unrequited ones, for my own mental health, and move on. But literally everyone is different.

 

Find out about his ethics on other subjects like child support, how involved he is with his kids, does he do the work or just play with them, how responsible is he at his job, does he steal. Find out if his ethics in general support him being a good person or not, and that will help you know how to weigh in the number of sex partners.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Actually, studies have shown a strong link between promiscuity and infidelity. And it makes sense to me. Someone who has been promiscuous is going to have a harder time being satisfied with one partner long term than a person who sewed some oats and settled into relationships. This guy has been a poonhoond most of his life. He might even have emotional issues/trouble bonding(just a guess, though) It's a mind-set to me.

 

Get an STD check for sure. Condoms don't protect against everything and a lot of sexual activity no protection is used.

 

But yea, as smackie said, it's about comfort levels and values.

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 3
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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Hmmm ... I know guys who are promiscuous. I know/knew of a few whose numbers were that. One was gorgeous, looked like Val Kilmer in his heyday. How could I not want to sleep with him? Which I did. Ha ha ha ...

 

But ... I think you would be surprised. I was promiscuous once, I think we all go through that phase of our lives when we are that way. But then you meet someone who you are gaga over and you only want to be with that person. It happened to me. Unfortunately he's not here anymore. If the guy in question says that he is ready to settle down, I hope he is. Otherwise that's his line with women to get him to sleep with him. There's only one way to find out I guess... I hope you have good results.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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His number is too high for me and would not be a man I'd want to marry.

 

I'd be taking a gamble, because I see him as a high cheat risk. I'd worry that if our sexual relationship was suffering, he'd be out there to get a fix pronto.

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blueberrymuffin Member

blueberrymuffin

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A little bit of background. He does not have kids, just has a gf for 13 years. She dumped him even though he proposed. He was heartbroken and now she's with someone else. This was three years ago, so he is over it now. He talks about marriage and kids so I know he wants it. My issue with all of this is twofold. First: I am concerned if a guy has had so much varied and presumably interesting sex with all of these hot girls ( I know a lot of them are hot because before we stated dating I'd see him around town with a different young hottie each time) then how is he ever going to settle down to a boring domestic life. I am not looking for a hookup I am looking for a serious relationship so I need to think about this. And second if I am honest I am a little concerned that he will find me boring and very inexperienced in bed which will make him cheat in the long term. I have not had many sexual partners as I tend to reserve sex for relationships only.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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He may SAY he is now ready for marriage and kids but he is a bit on the old side for that and none of his actions tell you he is the marrying sort.

He has had decades to be monogamous if that was his MO, and has chosen the single life with one girl a month for years...

He is not even a serial monogamist, who has made an attempt at monogamy, he flits from one ultra short relationship to another, he is a serial multidater...

he couldn't even stop having sex with other women, in the short time it took to to get to know you...

 

I guess he sees you as some sort of a challenge and has thrown you the "I'm looking for a relationship" line, as he knows that is what yoiu want to hear, and once he gets you into bed, normal service will be resumed.

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blueberrymuffin Member

blueberrymuffin

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So it's not my main concern that he was sleeping with women while we were dating, we had not had the exclusivity discussion and I was on the fence about him because of his sexual history. So IMO he could do what he liked. I got grossed out by the three women he was having sex with at the same time as taking me to dinners a couple of times a week. I found out that at least two times we went out for the evening and at the same time he had hookups lined up later that night (he knew early on I was not going to sleep with him anytime soon). I know because the second time he kept messaging on his phone so I asked him what it was for. He admitted it was for a hookup, and apparently the longer our date went on he kept delaying this other girl coming to his apartment. I was grossed out so I dumped him a couple of days later. He asked to meet me when I did this and then asked me why, I explained and he said he would give all these other women up, no problem. I was sceptical, and then when he asked to see me a couple of days later and showed me all the messages ending things, deleted these girl's numbers from his phone in front of me and showed me that he had deleted his dating apps. He must be serious, as that was a couple of hundred plus matches deleted that he has accumulated :laugh: We get on really well. We have similar backgrounds, attitudes, intelligence, similar careers, I have helped with a presentation which got him another amazing job, I know he really respects me, keeps talking about how amazing we are together, how my personality is just incredible and that I am so pretty, we have known each other for almost a year before the dating and he has hinted that he fell in love with me soon after we met and had been working up to asking me out so as not to get rejected. The sex discussion after I dumped him basically had him in knots and he explained it like having sex with me would be like sex with his ex (of 13 years) it would be different because it would be emotional and we would be bonding and this would be far far away from meaningless sex. Whereas with these girls its a physical thing and a release. Does this even exist? For me sex is about bonding and I can't comprehend anything else. My concern is whether or not having such different attitudes to sex, he can have sex an hour after he's met someone, and I will have to wait until we are dating exclusively, I am just concerned if these different attitudes can lead to a successful relationship.

CptInsano Established Member

CptInsano

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Honestly, if he sleept with that many women you're filling another void in his life. Also, if sex means something to you, it will mean something different to him. I have known guys who "gave things up", but that was almost exclusively when they wanted to have kids.

  • Like 3
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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. The sex discussion after I dumped him basically had him in knots and he explained it like having sex with me would be like sex with his ex (of 13 years) it would be different because it would be emotional and we would be bonding and this would be far far away from meaningless sex. Whereas with these girls its a physical thing and a release. Does this even exist? For me sex is about bonding and I can't comprehend anything else. My concern is whether or not having such different attitudes to sex, he can have sex an hour after he's met someone, and I will have to wait until we are dating exclusively, I am just concerned if these different attitudes can lead to a successful relationship.

 

 

This guy has said that he has had emotional sex in the past. So he knows what it feels like & he knows the difference between physical sex & intimacy.

 

 

Think about the physical differences between men & woman. A man puts something into a woman to have sex. Women have to accept another person inside our bodies to have intercourse. That is a huge difference. It colors a person's perspective on the subject & IMO makes it harder for women to emotionless, unattached sex.

 

 

There is an old saying (but it's a generalization) that women need to feel loved to have sex but men need to have sex to feel loved.

 

 

An EX of mine was a huge player. He had a track record that rivaled your guy. When we got serious, he dropped all his playthings & became exclusive with me. Some of the wilder things he had done in the past -- multiple partners and various toys initially gave me paused. He pushed my boundaries gently but always respected my ability to say no. He was faithful the whole 10+ years we were together & never gave me any doubts. I will share that what ultimately ended us was because he didn't believe in marriage but neither of us was ever bored & the physical aspects of our relationship were amazing.

  • Like 1
coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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I think this is a red flag, but I'm curious to see how major others think this, if at all. A good looking, intelligent, successful guy who sleeps around a lot. How would you judge him if he has slept with an average of one girl a month. He's been sexually active since 16, was in a 13 year relationship, and is now 41. On either side of the relationship he has averaged one girl a month. Do the math. Sometimes it's two or three a month but then other times he is casually dating somebody so may not sleep with a new girl for a couple of months. So basically it evens out to one a month. Does this ring alarm bells for people? Of is it just me being paranoid. Background: he is ready for marriage and kids, we were dating casually with absolutely no sex just kissing at the end of dates and he was not open but did not lie about sleeping with other girls while he was dating me. I dumped him. He has now dumped all remaining girls he was sleeping with (sometimes he will have two or three on the go at the same time). He has proved to me that he has deleted all dating apps and is just taking me to dinners and not pressuring me for sex at all. He calls every night to prove he is not with a girl even though I have never asked him to do this. Does this sound like a guy who would one day, 2 kids later, get bored of vanilla wifey sex and download tinder or visit a hooker? Or do people change? Oh and also he has been to strip clubs and got private lap dances. Not a lot of times but occasionally. I do worry about people who sever emotions from sex. But then I'm open to being wrong about this. Perhaps I am being extra sensitive.

 

You already have your answer. Now you need to say fours words "I CAN DO BETTER!"

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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He had a track record that rivaled your guy. [...] He pushed my boundaries gently but always respected my ability to say no. He was faithful the whole 10+ years we were together & never gave me any doubts.

 

 

I think you should read d0nnivain's post several times... and ignore the ones that presume he can't possibly be monogamous.

 

As I said before, and you confirmed in a later post, your own sense of worthiness is also a factor in this equation. In fact, I wonder if the whole picture would look quite different if your own confidence was rock solid... if you truly believed that you are enough, and deserve to be his one and only.

 

I also get that the promiscuity is a consideration. But I'm telling you, desirable men who can get women easily... get women. It's a fact of life you can't reason away. And yes, men can and do have sex as a purely physical act... and I'm certain you'll find a correlation between quantity a man's desirability. Have you ever watched any James Bond movies?

 

So here is my conclusion... this is as much your issue as his. It's the combination of his previous promiscuity and your insecurity with regard to being enough. You can reject him and hide from your issue, or you can take a chance on him, work on your issue and realize the potential that exists.

 

One of the tricks you're playing on yourself is looking for some sort of guarantee. But the reality is that guarantees don't exist, and most relationships eventually end (as much as I wish it weren't true). So what's the worst that could happen –– you end up with a broken heart, right?

 

Sweetie, if you go through life determined to avoid a broken heart, not only will you probably suffer that at some point, but you will miss out on the possibilities that being fearless will allow you to seize.

 

If I were you, I'd have a heart-to-heart about monogamy... and if the two of you are on the same wavelength, and everything else looks good, go for it.

 

(PS: I'm suffering a broken heart right now... and more than willing to stick my neck out again in due time. Because love is the nectar of life, and I only have so much time to live.)

  • Like 2
johngalt1149 Established Member

johngalt1149

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I think I'm older than most of the posters here. I am 59. Come on people, it's just sex. This is not the Victorian era. When he proposes or says you both want a exclusive commitment then that's monogamy and things change. People are too uptight about sex in the US. It's a normal, natural act sometimes emotional but usually at least physical and sensual, like masturbation or exercise. If you really enjoy it and know how "to use it" which unfortunately a lot don't and don't have libidos or enough experience to support it properly and communicate then you might not keep the attention of the other partner unless they are also inexperienced or clueless. Honestly what does some ones sexual past mean to you? Making a commitment changes the past. Judge a partner by now not before you knew them. Women often won't admit they slept around because it's not a society public norm, yet they do too. Loosen up and grow up. Women that tell me they haven't had sex in years obviously have a low sex drive and libido. Great friends but not emotional partners and lovers or wife material unless I was a quadriplegic. I expect to get flamed by a lot of women who think chaste is important but most of these are the description of above. Society has repressed us all. A dynamic sexual as well as emotional relationship is important and unfortunately (fortunately) one of the best ways to learn about different and wonderful technique is to experiment with different people and communicate.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted (edited)
Actually, studies have shown a strong link between promiscuity and infidelity. And it makes sense to me. Someone who has been promiscuous is going to have a harder time being satisfied with one partner long term than a person who sewed some oats and settled into relationships. This guy has been a poonhoond most of his life. He might even have emotional issues/trouble bonding(just a guess, though) It's a mind-set to me.

 

Get an STD check for sure. Condoms don't protect against everything and a lot of sexual activity no protection is used.

 

But yea, as smackie said, it's about comfort levels and values.

 

I don't agree. I think once people have explored until they are tired of it, they are much more likely to be ready for a change. I know I was. And I know a lot of real attractive guys who finally got tired of it. I guess the study is talking about people who never had the opportunity to explore as much as they would have wanted to and are still tempted.

 

And I completely agree with Donnivain's post and especially about the difference between sex and love part. Love is what made me less interested in casual sex, because making love is so much better, and everyone feels that IF they are capable of love, and not everyone seems to be.

Edited by preraph
  • Like 2
planb1973 Established Member

planb1973

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People can be monogamous and promiscuous. Just because someone is sleeping around does not mean they will cheat in an exclusive relationship. Its obvious this guy has not found what he is ultimately looking for with these other women, but lets be real here sex is fun. Monogamy comes when you find someone you love. Until then why not be out there having a good time.

 

And he is in his 40's after all. I know first hand what the dating life is like for a 40 year old man. Buy that age most men and women have found their confidence in their sexuality and know that it can be just sex. Humans want sex! Its natural! I would be more concerned with someone who has been single for quite a while who is not having sex. These women he is sleeping with mean not that much to him, and it sounds like you actually mean something to him. Sounds like he is just like me in that he is inherently monogamous when he is in a relationship, otherwise its a free for all.

  • Like 2
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
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I don't agree. I think once people have explored until they are tired of it, they are much more likely to be ready for a change. I know I was. And I know a lot of real attractive guys who finally got tired of it. I guess the study is talking about people who never had the opportunity to explore as much as they would have wanted to and are still tempted.

 

And I completely agree with Donnivain's post and especially about the difference between sex and love part. Love is what made me less interested in casual sex, because making love is so much better, and everyone feels that IF they are capable of love, and not everyone seems to be.

In no way did I say that his behavior is wrong and he can't change....I meant it's about the incompatibility of their attitude towards sex. This is crucial....no different with religious views, human rights issues, politics, roles of the sexes, etc. She isn't comfortable.... her view, sex should always be for a meaningful relationship. I think she has every right to decline and seek out a man of different integrity just for her own piece of mind. And he deserves to find and fall in love with someone who's opinion is the same as his about sex.

  • Like 1
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