AppleBiscuits Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I have been dating this great guy or about 8 months but he is insane and I'm not sure I can deal with his insecurities. He constantly accuses me of cheating, he is quite controlling (he doesn't limit time with friends or anything like that just on the way I act around people) He made me quit smoking and constantly worries that I'm smoking behind his back even though I don't and he says "if she lies about smoking she could be lying about not cheating on me" which I think is a massive leap in my opinion. He complained that I never opened up to him or talked to him about my problems (which I only didn't because I have Generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression so found it easier to deal with my irrational thoughts by myself) but now that I have opened up to him he calls me over sensitive and barely listens to me which makes me feel like my feeling are invalid. He genuinely is wonderful but I don't know how to handle his insecurity, paranoia or controlling behaviour. The icing on the cake is that when he acts out he always does apologise and self berate for doing it (which i personally think is for sympathy) and says that it's not him doing it! He claims that it feels like someone else is in the back of his mind and makes him feel and think horrible things? It's confusing. I told him to see a doctor but no avail. Help!?
Popsicle Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 All he has to do is be like a lot people and say "I've been cheated on in the past" or "I've been dumped before" or "I've been used before" or "I've been abused before" and that seems to give everyone else a free pass to act like an azzhole towards you. 3
mikeylo Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I have been dating this great guy or about 8 months but he is insane and I'm not sure I can deal with his insecurities. He constantly accuses me of cheating, he is quite controlling (he doesn't limit time with friends or anything like that just on the way I act around people) He made me quit smoking and constantly worries that I'm smoking behind his back even though I don't and he says "if she lies about smoking she could be lying about not cheating on me" which I think is a massive leap in my opinion. He complained that I never opened up to him or talked to him about my problems (which I only didn't because I have Generalised anxiety disorder and clinical depression so found it easier to deal with my irrational thoughts by myself) but now that I have opened up to him he calls me over sensitive and barely listens to me which makes me feel like my feeling are invalid. He genuinely is wonderful but I don't know how to handle his insecurity, paranoia or controlling behaviour. The icing on the cake is that when he acts out he always does apologise and self berate for doing it (which i personally think is for sympathy) and says that it's not him doing it! He claims that it feels like someone else is in the back of his mind and makes him feel and think horrible things? It's confusing. I told him to see a doctor but no avail. Help!? How is he a great guy ? 5
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 There is nothing in the least bit confusing about this. A guy who is insecure, paranoid, controlling, emotionally unavailable and "crazy" is NOT a "wonderful" or "great". guy. Dating is really about finding people who make your life easy and comfortable and who make you generally happy. What on earth are you thinking about here? 4
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Also they tend to act like an a-hole then say "i have been a total idiot" and it seems to give thrm a free pass to repeat. Berating yourself may be cute the first time around but it gets old quick. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 He's not crazy - well he might be a little but he definitely is emotionally abusive. This kind of behaviour can lead to other abusive behaviours. Things will only get worse with a guy like this. I expect he was totally wonderful and swept you off your feet in the beginning - like a breath of fresh air - yep? Then in comes little things and digs and you are often in the wrong. He is not isolating you right now but that's probably next on the list for him to achieve - he is controlling so will want your social & family life controlled so that you won't be able to tell anyone about his behaviour. He is insecure and needs control/power. You are the subject. You are the easiest subject in his radar to gently and slowly work on and crack down. You need to trust your instincts and instead of brushing his behaviour under the rug ACT on those instincts and get the hell out. I only know as I have been there (luckily only once) for myself and it was text book stuff how it progressed (which I only became aware of after I managed to get away and then read up on the subject of abuse. I never saw it coming though as I had never experienced any kind of abuse in previous relationships. The moment I see any traits of it now I walk away, no matter how attracted I might be. 3
1fish2fish Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Other than the apologizing, he sounds exactly like my ex bf. Do yourself a favor and love yourself enough to get out of it NOW! I'm sure he can seem wonderful...when you are acting according to his script. In truth, it's more about feeling relieved that things are calm and he's in a good mood. At least it was in my case. Not having to walk on eggshells is liberating. Please save yourself and cut this jerk loose! 2
OatsAndHall Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 It sounds like this is a relationship that has lasted about 7 months and 29 days too long... 3
GemmaUK Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I'm sure he can seem wonderful...when you are acting according to his script. In truth, it's more about feeling relieved that things are calm and he's in a good mood. At least it was in my case. You know what, with my abusive RS I found his comments (what they were actually was 'a bone to pick with you' his words, each time, every couple of days) ridiculous to a bizarre level. I thought he was kidding as the things he had a bone to pick about were ludicrous! Luckily for me I had stored some old stuff that he had already 'bone picked' about in my mind and when he got worse so I never did fall in love with the idiot. However, I attempted to end it but I had so much else going on I totally got knocked down and gave in 3-4 times - I tried to talk - he talked back - I was working 15 hour days and had other things going on so had no energy left to argue my way out. It was easier to 'make out' I was still involved and wanted to be involved - less stress for me in a weird way. Eventually, after he raped me and later raised a hand to hit me I waited a week or so (we were long distance) and I chose not to call him, instead I texted him to say simply 'I can't be what you want me to be'. It sorta straggled on for a further 5 months (with things I did wrong apparently since breaking up) eventually coming to a close (I hope) 4/5 years later (very recently) - he was in my area for a time - no speaking but I would see him every Monday, every couple of weeks like clockwork when I walked home from work.
Author AppleBiscuits Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 How is he a great guy ? I just meant he's great when he's not acting up. He doesn't always act like this it's just on occasions he becomes this weird paranoid wreck.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 He acts like this because you put up with it. Tell him to F-off. Seriously. I'm glad for you that he got you to quit smoking but otherwise this is very unhealthy for you. The fact that you think he's a great guy is very troubling. Tell whoever is treating you for your anxiety & depression what you just told us. See what that mental health professional says.
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I just meant he's great when he's not acting up. He doesn't always act like this it's just on occasions he becomes this weird paranoid wreck. But that is what abusers always do. Very few abusers ate abusers 24/7 as no-one would stick around with them. They know that so they show this good side to keep you hooked. Abusers are often nice and charming sometimes, maybe even 95-99% of the time but it is their bad side that can be devastating and can ruin the life and mental health of their "victim". 2
BaileyB Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 This relationship is crazy unhealthy for you both. Why do you stay with this man?
GemmaUK Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I just meant he's great when he's not acting up. He doesn't always act like this it's just on occasions he becomes this weird paranoid wreck. You've only been together 6 months - how many times has he acted up like this? Do you want the next six months to be the same but with more acting up? You will get it if you stick around - believe me p or just wait it out and experience it if you want to, the choice is yours. Sorry OP, but if this was not an issue you wouldn't have asked the question. Those of us who know how this can progress are letting you know that yes you are validated in thinking this is not right and that for the future, for you - it's no good at all. It'll exhaust you and wreck your self confidence - for a start. 1
preraph Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Apologies, even tearful ones, don't mean a thing if the behavior continues and the person isn't taking steps to get help if they're acting like they have no control over themselves. I have no patience with people who won't get help but just plan on trying to make the world conform to their needs the rest of their lives, and you shouldn't either.
smackie9 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I just meant he's great when he's not acting up. He doesn't always act like this it's just on occasions he becomes this weird paranoid wreck. Bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder. Nothing you can do to fix, but I recommend to get the f out NOW. I was in an abusive relationship...same deal, accused of cheating, lying, manipulative, Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hide personality. For me it turned physical because I stayed too long. GTFON! 2
Miss Spider Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Get out before it gets worse. And be careful, these are the types that stalk you years after 4
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Speaking from personal experience, you need to end this. Now. Do you not see that his apologies and self-deprecation are manipulation, too? It keeps you there. He knows it works. So does the fact that he's not a jerkwad all the time. But no abuser abuses all the time. Mine was quite a charmer but he could flip that switch so fast my head would spin. And it eventually turned physical. I finally left after that. It's not worth it, OP. It will get worse. 5
divegrl Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Yes OP. Please leave now. My ex was exactly as you describe. A charmer, yet insecure. I stayed. I ended up in the ER with a broken nose, jaw and two black eyes. Learn from my mistakes. This is not stable or healthy behavior. Plz be safe my friend. 5
Hopeful30 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Okay, now listen to me closely. I understand your situation EXACTLY, because I have been in it. Are you dating my ex? Anyways, the best thing you can do is what's BEST FOR YOURSELF. And let me explain how this will also help his insecurities and work through his issues. When you are true to YOURSELF, you are showing others what you will or will not tolerate. If this behaviour makes you unhappy, not only will making the correct move (discussing it with him, or standing your ground, at worst leaving him) demonstrate what kind of person you are, it will give him the opportunity to either set himself straight and stop acting like a child, or realize that you're not the kind of woman who will tolerate this behaviour, and he needs to find someone that will (if he's unwilling to work through his issues). You encourage this behaviour by sticking by him while it happens. Believe me girl, I know how much it hurts to love someone so deeply who has issues that can weigh you down. It's a win-win situation when you speak your mind and make yourself heard, because a) you are being true to yourself, bringing yourself closer to the kind of relationship you want and b) it shows him how you truly feel, and this will bring out his true colours: either he will try to control you more or manipulate you into thinking something that's not true (which would be your biggest clue on what to do next) or he will confess his insecurities, and the conversation might surprise you. Be true to yourself. Discuss this with him. I was the same before, I would do what I felt would make the relationship better because of how he felt. If he felt I was closed, I tried being more open. If he thought I was lying, I tried being more reassuring. At the end of the day though, we can't cater to their insecurities. It's exhausting and is harming them because they aren't being forced to work through them, and it's harming us because we are just keeping ourselves drained by not doing anything about it. So be true to how you feel, make this known to him, and his next moves will really give you a clear idea of how sincere he is towards you (and himself) about working through these issues. 1
Author AppleBiscuits Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 I thank you all for your replies, honestly it feels great to tell someone about it and be heard. I have spoken to him about this and I honestly don't put up with his ****. I often call him out when he's being a prick. He once said "I hate that you don't do anything wrong because it makes me look like an *******" I think I'm going to tell him straight up that if he doesn't stop acting the way he's been acting that I'm not going to be sticking around. Thank you all again
GemmaUK Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 We hear ya alright! Just be a bit careful about talking to him - he could well manipulate you, talk you around. Talking was my mistake with my abusive ex - it was actually pointless as he just said all the 'right' things. His talking me around and my exhaustion with it all was why it took me 5 months and 5 attempts to finally to end the relationship. Make sure you let friends and family know what he is like also - just in case you ever need real help - you just never know - better safe than sorry. 1
preraph Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 That is who he is, so don't expect it to stop permanently. Whatever caused him to be jealous and controlling started when he was a child and his brain formed around it, so it's hardwired. 1
smackie9 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I thank you all for your replies, honestly it feels great to tell someone about it and be heard. I have spoken to him about this and I honestly don't put up with his ****. I often call him out when he's being a prick. He once said "I hate that you don't do anything wrong because it makes me look like an *******" I think I'm going to tell him straight up that if he doesn't stop acting the way he's been acting that I'm not going to be sticking around. Thank you all again He won't change......well like I went through he behaved good for about 2 weeks or so, but went right back at it. The only way to fix this is to end it. He came to see me 5 years later.....he was the same ahole that I dumped.... 1
act00 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 (edited) Buy the book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men." He's abusive towards you, but gosh-golly they're so NICE the rest of the time, you just don't see it. How in the world can you function if he thinks you're cheating and lying all the time? You can't win...EVER, and you live in a world of constantly having to defend yourself. No, he doesn't outwardly limit your time with your friends, but when you have to defend yourself every time you go out (alone or together), you're going to start avoiding situations that cause you to have to defend yourself, which means you will avoid situations with your friends and family. Frankly, your friends are going to start avoiding you because they don't want to deal with him. He's not a keeper. It's time to let him go. ETA: I married one. It eventually lead to physical violence. Time to go. Edited May 7, 2017 by act00
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