After 5 years we broke up

[burmander8]

I'm having a hard time right now, and I need some help. Let me start off by saying I am gay, and 21. I was dating my ex for a total of 5 years this January. Things have been rough. I'll start off with a back story. We met in high school online, and clicked immediately. Things were awesome for a year, until he cheated on me. He did not tell me until 7 months later, because I felt something was different. I was devastated by this news, because it wasn't that he was seeing someone, but did sexual stuff in nature with another guy. This broke down every inch of confidence that I had. I immediately asked myself, "Am I that bad of a person to be cheated on? Am I that ugly? What is wrong with me?" and from then on it basically got worse, which I can see now that we are broken up. Eventually we moved in together during college, and moved into a dorm room. I found out last fall that he was sending thousands of nudes back and forth during spring semester alone sophomore year. I was devastated yet again, but I felt at that point I was stuck and needed to work this out, because we graduate soon and become real adults. As of this year we are juniors in college finishing up right now. This year we moved into an apartment with 2 of my best friends. Things this year after I found out about the nudes, went horribly. I was super anxious, stressed, paranoid, etc. I would have a panic attack everytime I asked to go through his phone, granted I did that maybe once every 6 months. I still saw him acting sketchy, but I did not know what else to do. For someone that cheated, he was still acting sketchy, and I did not understand why he would still want to act sketchy. He said he wanted to fix things, and loves me (which this is how I was manipulated for so long) so I would keep on believing him. So come the end of March, we it was a week before spring break. I was preparing for midterms, and out of know where he says, "I'm not feeling so good about us" I was like what do you mean? He said "I have so much regret from cheating on you, you deserve better." and I automatically went into panic mode. I asked: Did you cheat again? With who? When? Why? How could you after everything I have done for you? and then I asked the golden question: why now after so many years to you feel so regretful? He said to me: "I dont know what is wrong with me, but I think we need a break". That ruined me, I knew the outcome of this and I was in denial. I did not want to break up at that moment, because I was so twisted around his finger. He knew no matter how many times he cheated I would still be there to love him unconditionally. SO that week started, and he would disappear and do odd behaviors he never did before. I would text him, and ask where he was at, but no response. One night I sat by the window and looked out it for 4 hours hoping I would see him walking home alone. Never saw him. He claimed he was studying, and not cheating on the break (because I said we were still exclusive, even though that is obviouslt hard for him to begin with). Fast forward, he does sketchy things all week, and I keep asking when we will have a talk about what is going to happen. Come Thursday I am at work, and he promises to talk that night. I get off work and he says, "Oh, I'm already at ****'s house drinking. We can talk later." I was crying in the parking lot, calling my mom, because yet again I was so hurt. (my parents did not know that anything about the cheating, but they knew we were dating for that long. Thy liked him and there was no issues). So I get home, and ask if he needs a ride home and he tells me that he will sleep there. That never happened, and I immediately panicked. So somehow I went to bed, and went to work on Friday. I get home, and he is finally home, looking tired as hell. I asked him what is happening between us, and he says he is feeling better and wants to work things out, but he needs a nap. So 2 hours later he wakes up crying, and says "I feel bad again, and I don't know what to do. You deserve better." That is when I end it for us, because I had a whole week to reflect and see how toxic this relationship became 3 years after he first cheated. So, its a cry fest, and we begin to take everything out of each other's rooms and separate stuff. That night I call my parents and tell them EVERYTHING, even the cheating. I knew if I did this there was no going back, because they would not let me. Thank goodness I did that. Spring break began, and he went to Florida, I went home for half of it.

Not even a week after we have been broken up he says to me over text, "I want both of us to feel comfortable if we bring guys around". I texted him: WTF? you are already seeing someone? You cannot be serious, it has been less than a week!! So after prying it out of him, the night we were supposed to talk, but instead drank at a friends party, he got a guys number and they have been talking "since we broke up". I smell bull****, it was probably before then. So I consider that cheating. I'm really upset at that point, because I didn't even get to move on before he wanted to bring a guy over. He was going to bring the new guy over when spring break was over to unpack, but the "bi**h" I am, told him hell no or I will call the police (which I never would have, but I needed to threaten him). So he never brought the kid over. So I was so depressed, hurt, heartbroken at that point, and I watched him go out, get drunk, sleep at this kids house. It is what I could see/hear that drove the knife deeper into my heart. I cannot move out until May 13th, and I was worried about my sanity. So 2 weeks later after spring break, he comes home wasted one night. He started crying in front of me (while I was taking care of him, because I am too nice to let him choke on his vomit), and told me how the Christmas break 2016, he kissed, made out, got drunk, and got high with a coworker. This is all before I brought him to an official family Christmas. I lost it. I was so mad. I was so hurt. How could he do this again, and he admitted to 5 total in 5 years. What a coincidence. Anyway, he then proceeds to stop seeing that kid and starts having sex with a lot of people. I get concerned, because you cannot stop worrying about someone you worried about for 5 years. So he became reckless. I caught him 2 weeks ago bring in a guy and have sex in his room. I was livid once they came out. I was yelling and screaming, because the 2 rules I had was don't bring a guy into the apartment, and don't bring a guy to my work. Well he broke that. I was so mad once again. So here we are now, I have a week left living with him, but I am struggling. He now tries to hug me and say he wants to fix things, because he knows he got better. My emotions and feelings are out of wack, because I cannot move on really until I move out. I am also worried I will still text him when I move out. How do you all handle cutting someone out of your life that was so involved in it for so long?

 

Sorry for the long story/rant, it felt good to type this out. Plus it's finals week, and I am extra stressed haha.

 

-J

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Yeah, all that manipulation was him working up to asking you to let him just bring other guys over as much as he wanted to and have an open relationship. Now, this is not unheard of amongst my old gay guy friends (I'm a female, straight) I knew in the '80s and '90s. But one guy who wants to keep dating cannot be with one guy who only wants a monogamous relationship. It isn't even a fair thing to ask.

 

One thing I want to tell you first is you were blaming yourself, asking him if you're that ugly, etc., as if this has anything to do with why he's cheating. It doesn't. You could be George Clooney and he'd still be cheating, because it comes down to ethics, and he his ethics allow for cheating and betraying a close personal friend, so he has bad ethics. If you want to read an example that illustrates how cheating is not about how attractive the partner is, look up Tiger Woods cheating story on Wikipedia or Google. He had a picture perfect wife and kids, and she found out he was serial cheating on her with various women he came into contact with -- none of which was even as attractive as her and some being a bit smarmy. It's not about you. It's about he likes the validation of having sex with lots of people to make him feel attractive. He may have very low self-esteem, though it may not show and he may not admit it.

 

Of course, there's also the possibility that he is just young and feels the need to really explore like most young people do. But if he had good ethics, he would have been honest with you a long time ago and broken up so he could multi-date and not wasted your time and wrenched your heart over and over.

 

He's selfish. His tears are just him looking for sympathy because he knows this is ALL his fault and that there is no justification for it. Don't mistake his self-serving tears for remorse.

 

You need to block all contact with this guy so you can move on and find a nice guy who has good ethics and whose dream is to be with one nice guy and not out lying and cheating. Take time to get to know any new men you date, and on your social media, get off of Tinder or sites that are mainly for hookups and get on one more for finding a real match and put in your profile, "I'm looking for a real relationship with a fun nice person who wants monogamy" or however you want to say it, but don't just leave that out or there will be one guy after another cheating on you.

 

I'm sad you're going through this. It's not you. It's all him. You are the better person here. And you will find a better person than him in time.