Girlfriend of 4 years moved out by text

[AirFlyer]

My girlfriend waited till I was on a business trip and moved out telling me in a text. Well actually she told me she mostly had moved out she never really said good bye or broke up just that she was tired and felt overwhelmed having to come home to clean after the pets and sometimes me. She would return my texts and none were bad she even said she loved me a few times but everything was flighty. After a week of these texts I sent her a long text goodbye. I know I shouldn't because now that I think about it probably did more harm than good. I explained to her that her drinking was making me scared. When we started dating she had liver issues and she was knocked out for a few weeks. I also knew she took ambian to sleep and knew alcohol didn't mix with ambian. So I explained how scared I was for her and begged for her not to drink anymore.

When I finally came home after being gone a week I saw she had consumed 2 boxes of wine a 750ml bottle of good vodka and about 15 beers of different varieties. That was just what was on top I knew she would drink a lot and it hurt me to see her hurt herself. I told her it was ok she moved out I just wanted her to be happy and clean.

I really do love her and care for her but in the end our relationship was miserable she would cancel dates on my putting her girlfriends ahead of me we had no intimacy we didn't fight but she would ignore me in my own home. It was so bad after she left I felt used because she had a huge debt that had just been paid off and I had paid for her phone bill and did not charge her rent she did however do a lot around the house and bought all the food and cooked when she was on the same schedule as me which was 2 or 3 times a week.

When she left she did not leave keys for my house or the car I let her drive. She still has not told me much in ways of her feelings just that she was tired and overwhelmed. Which I could understand since she was told she was losing her job at the first of the year and she had been there for 19 years. I tried to comfort her and show compassion and that I would support her but she wanted to be alone.

I am really not sure what to do this all hurts so I stopped contact a few days ago trying to rebuild. I do not want her back but would be nice to get my stuff back and at least be told the truth which i also doubt I will get as well. I am hurt .

 

I think she was just trying to be nice when texting me back since she only returned text never started it. Just bizarre never have been left in this manner. But I know she takes ambian and has liver issues so should not be drinking at all but she has been for months. Just confused and hurt hard to throw away 4 years like this but I know for my own mental health I have to, so I know I have to go NC and have to stick by it. Any advice would be helpful but I know I need to stay as far away before I get destroyed! She is not in a good place nor right, earlier in the week she came by the house while I was at worked and cleaned the yard and cleaned her bathroom she had used. She also picked up the rest of her stuff. Oh and she has not changed her mailing address so still getting her mail. I am in pain but trying to run away! I know she wants to be alone and go it alone so I am letting her be alone I think its best for her and for me.

Edited May 5, 2017 by AirFlyer
Adding info

[Telemachus]

Because you communicated by text during the relationship, you should not be surprised to learn that way of her leaving. If she had written a message in a language that you did not know she spoke, that would be something. This isn't.

 

It's difficult and you'll move on. You have no choice. The future is important because, unlike the past, that's where you're going to spend the rest of your life.

 

You've tossed the empty bottles, cleaned her bathroom, and gotten your keys back. Move forward, not back. Your life is better without her, or your will soon see that it is.

[AirFlyer]

She cleaned the bathroom and has not returned the keys to the house or keys to my car. We talked more than by text we talked a lot until she found out she was losing her job then it went downhill fast she had been there 19 years and had a year to find a new one

[Dis]

Airflyer, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through

 

I have to say, you're handling this very well and doing all the right things

 

It takes time to seperate our worlds from our long time partners. Both physically and emotionally...it just takes time

 

I think you're ex sounds like she has a pretty serious drinking problem. Unfortunately only she can get herself well. It takes a lot of will power and strength to overcome addiction and those things have to come from within her. Despite your pain, I think you know you cant save her. Plus, its not fair to you to spend you life and energy on something you have no control over

 

I would continue to go NC. Great job there

 

When you recieve her mail, attach a note with her new address and stick it back in the mail. Thats what I did with my ex a long time ago

 

As far as getting the car back and any other must have items....I would say you could break NC for that. Give her a date by which you need the keys back. Dont go back and forth with her though. If she doesnt give them to you by then...I would honestly go to the police considering she doesnt seem well mentally. You dont want her drinking and driving

 

Its going to take time to heal but please dont blame yourself for her illness or the direction she seems to be taking. You have no ownership of any of that. Be patient with yourself, allow yourself to be sad and to have bad days. Time will heal

 

Keep posting

[Dis]

She cleaned the bathroom and has not returned the keys to the house or keys to my car.

 

Get your locks to your house changed even if you do get the keys back

[AirFlyer]

Ya it is just bizarre with her cleaning the yard up leaving the house full of food and never breaking up with me just saying she moved out. I do respect her being alone =) I do respect her moving out even though it is hard my life sucked with her here =(. Hated her hiding the drinking and hated being neglected it was not fair. I tried to reassure her and comfort her just never worked. This for me is just venting because it hurts so bad because I loved her a lot and just wanted her to be healthy and clean as I explained to her.

 

I had to go NC she was sending me mixed messages and telling me she loved me and a few hearts.

 

I would hate to go to the police but might not have a choice with her dropping by and not telling me. Locks will be changed tomorrow its not worth her helping me out. Just a confusing insane situation!

 

Thanks for listening just getting it off my chest

[AirFlyer]

I am praying hard she never contacts me again but I need to get my head around it might not be that easy, she might contact me again or drop by! I am praying though it doesn't happen!

 

BTW she didn't tell me where she moved to I have a good idea but not sure.

 

When we were texting this week after she left I asked her a few pointed questions and did get her to answer she wasn't cut out to get married. I had wanted to marry her so for me this was a pointless relationship she couldn't or wouldn't commit to me. So I just hope she goes away.

Edited May 6, 2017 by AirFlyer

[AirFlyer]

Day 3 of No Contact still is tough working around the house and going to the store later. Sucks, but reflecting on how I can make life better, I am not trying to dwell on the past, I do worry about her and care about her. I am hoping she isn't drinking and taking care of herself, yet I know deep down its no longer my issue. I can see why you need no contact to detox the negatives in your body and renew your mind. I knew I was beat down I just don't know how bad yet, my self esteem took a huge hit over the years =(.

[AirFlyer]

Still find it odd she held on to my keys both to the car and to the house, I think she also has a key to the storage unit! I do not want to contact her for these back but I know I will need to eventually. I feel either this was a control issue where she now feels even more power over me, or what I do not know.

 

 

I did do the alcoholic test and I knew what the answer would be but yes seems she is an alcoholic and there would of been no future only misery. I feel so much better even though it hurts I guess I rather be alone than abused, and quite frankly I think what she did was abuse. Refusing to be intimate, refusing to spend time with me putting everyone before me and investing nothing into the relationship. I felt used since I was letting her live here rent free was trying to help her catch up and get back to a steady financial footing, yet she took this generosity and abused it. Sorry just venting I know it makes me look like an idiot. I also found out she just paid off that loan right before she moved out, so makes a lot more sense she was hanging out here until she could afford to go somewhere else. 600 a month is a huge amount and could free her of anything here.

 

Just sad is all hate being abandoned by people I care about my dad did this to me many times in my life, and I had told her that. I think she did it this way because she knew she would be able to hurt me again 1 last time. I would love to fool myself to thinking the alcoholism did all of this but I do really believe she might be a very hurtful person. Still haunts in my mind when they took her off birth control pills, she told me if we had sex and she got pregnant she would get an abortion and I would need to take care of it. Just insanity!

[AirFlyer]

Sucks I can see why you have to be No Contact, texted her today and can tell she has moved on, she is still very busy in life helping others and not herself. She always complained about not having enough time and being tired. Yet when she has a few days off she helps her druggie friend move from the hospital and out of her apartment back in with her mom. These are reasons I need to move on she will never take time to take care of herself and will end up killing herself making sure others are taken care of. I do not get why she is such an unhappy human when even during the good times she is never totally happy. Hurts a lot to move on but I think I know enough she moved on because she had to she just didn't have time in her day for me anymore. Sucks but such is life, I thought for a moment it might of been her drinking but I just think this is the way she is.

 

I need to delete her from my phone and just leave the relationship like she did I can tell she has no feelings left for me and I will never know the real reasons or even if I really did anything wrong. Hate being dumped like this but seems life =(. I will keep posting my thoughts through this but just heart broken!

[Marc878]

Alcoholism is a huge deal. You can't fix that and be glad you're away from it.

 

She'll just drag you down with her.

 

Stay dark and avoid watching that train wreck

[AirFlyer]

I know in some ways I think she did this to protect me. I could handle her just moving out but staying friends, I just guess I don't want to see her end up dead. Breaks my heart but nothing I can do need to get it through my head I am hurting her if she really needed me she would need me. Just broken.

[Goodguy05]

It sounds to me like u haven't really got that clarity it's over.

 

Maybe try and clear it up one last time before breaking it all off?

 

I did wth my ex and even tho it wss over at least I wasn't ummn and rrrring and feeling in limbo. Ur call sounds to me ur trying to force ureself to move on wthout really knowing it's over ur guessing get clarity one last time even if it hurts better than being in that limbo state just a thought

[AirFlyer]

I tried still nothing but flighty messages I am done she is not who I met and love she has changed. Sad but I need to just walk away before her mess totally destroys me. I hope she can get her life back because she just isn't happy. I need to go on , between the alcoholism the ambian and her doctors taking her off her birth control, her hormones and emotions are just vacant. She has been vacant for months and I can see there is just nothing there. Guess I got let off really easy and I can move on and get myself well.

 

I talked to her dad and he knows about the alcoholism and will watch her, she has had the issue since college he knows she has to get the help but hurts him as well watching.

 

Today will be easier than yesterday and tomorrow even more.

[AirFlyer]

Been no contact almost 3 months I noticed she checked out my LinkedIn profile and I clicked on hers and she bocked me lol. Does this mean I broke no contact?

 

I still don't know how to ask my car keys back and for her to hange her address I don't want to talk to her nor do I want to. Realized how much stress and nastiness we had at the end (she avoided me cut off sex and all intimacy she could). She also prioritized others over my on a daily basis. I just want my stuff back but don't want contact!

[mightycpa]

These little items of unfinished business are holding at least one of you back from moving on.

 

Can you text her? I'll write the text for you. Let's pretend her name is Matilda:

Matilda, I need you to send me the keys to the car, the house and whatever else you've got that you shouldn't. Just put it in the mail. While you're at the post office, fill out one of those change of address cards, and let your creditors know where you are now. Can I count on you to do this today?

Probably the hardest thing in the world is where somebody you're close to does something so deliberately hurtful that it makes you wonder whether you ever really knew them or not. You didn't. You only saw what they showed you until the great unveiling.

 

If she doesn't send the keys within a week, get a friend to go get them for you and exchange her mail for the keys. If you don't have a lot of mail, fill up a large manila envelope with stuff that looks like a lot of mail, seal it, and have your buddy deliver it, but as ransom for those keys. Your buddy doesn't have to know it's not really mail, he'll be more convincing that way.

 

Oh, and for your own sake, next time a woman lets you know about major problems, health, mental issues, alcholism, crime, whatever, run. Just run and don't look back. There are far too many undamaged people in the world for you to chase the ones that will only mess your life up. Harsh, but true. You don't owe it to them. You owe it to yourself.

Edited May 26, 2017 by mightycpa

[AirFlyer]

Thanks for the advice, sad I didn't really understand about th alcoholism until a few years into the relationship when I stared seeing the wine bottles and that she was hiding it all. I agree had I known about it then I would of ran away earlier. I was hoping she would get better but things just became worse. It's been a good 3 weeks so much less stress and not being ignored. Just sad I hate losing people close but I wonder if this person was ever the person I loved that person seems to of existed just to short of a time.

[AirFlyer]

Thanks for the advice, sad I didn't really understand about th alcoholism until a few years into the relationship when I stared seeing the wine bottles and that she was hiding it all. I agree had I known about it then I would of ran away earlier. I was hoping she would get better but things just became worse. It's been a good 3 weeks so much less stress and not being ignored. Just sad I hate losing people close but I wonder if this person was ever the person I loved that person seems to of existed just to short of a time. The person I loved seems to be gone.

[mightycpa]

Thanks for the advice, sad I didn't really understand about th alcoholism until a few years into the relationship when I stared seeing the wine bottles and that she was hiding it all. I agree had I known about it then I would of ran away earlier. I was hoping she would get better but things just became worse. It's been a good 3 weeks so much less stress and not being ignored. Just sad I hate losing people close but I wonder if this person was ever the person I loved that person seems to of existed just to short of a time. The person I loved seems to be gone.

Need I say more?

[preraph]

You can't fix her. She has to do that herself.

But your takeaway here besides that you can't fix someone is to start doing 50 percent of the housework and cleaning up after your pets. Because women don't like housework any more than you do or have any more time for it. But no, you can't fix her. It's just as well you don't have to sit around and watch her run in front of the bus all the time. Good luck.

[AirFlyer]

The pet was due to her asking my mom to keep it then fussed at me a year or so after we had her, black cat sheds a lot. I did around 30% of the work I should of done more but driving 2.5 hrs round trip from work because I could never get her to talk about moving that and working an extra weekend a month, had very little energy. That and she lives rent free utility free and I paid for her cell phone bill and allowed her to use my car. She did not start to really get overwhelmed until she was told she was getting laid off. I stepped it up at that point but she was just beat to the ground during this processs. Going on interviews and not getting the job has to be tough.

[preraph]

It's best not to base how much housework you share based on the current situation which is going to change back and forth. You do it because the mess is half yours and the home is half yours.

 

Anyway, it sounds like she may be going through a downward spiral, and it's sad for both of you. But she can't keep doing what she's doing and expect her life to take a major turn for the better. Good luck.

[AirFlyer]

I agree 100% and we should of had more communication we both were struggling and couldn't talk about it. Sucks but happens when someone loves alcohol more. I know I could of done more but life happens easy to pick it apart after the facts. I made mistakes that is for sure and I am not upset at all just was worried about her. Thanks

[mightycpa]

I agree 100% and we should of had more communication we both were struggling and couldn't talk about it. Sucks but happens when someone loves alcohol more. I know I could of done more but life happens easy to pick it apart after the facts. I made mistakes that is for sure and I am not upset at all just was worried about her. Thanks

I know it's natural to worry about a person who you care about and who is self-destructive. But the fact of the matter is it won't add a day to either of your lives, and will make the ones you do have just feel worse.

 

Time to start running. Good luck to you.

[Poutrew]

If she wont return the car keys, go to a car dealership and ask about re-keying the car. It might be possible especially if it is a digital code. Last thing you want is for her to take your car and get into a drunk accident - you'll have a legal mess on your hands. Also, stop caring about this woman. She has her own destiny, even if it is alcoholism, D-Ts and liver transplants and eventual death. You have your life to live, so get about living it. Good luck.