KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Got set up with a woman through some friends, went on a couple dates that seemed ok but involved me making most of the effort for conversation, but despite that date 2 ended up with some fooling around. I'm not one to start out texting every day (I usually let things develop before upping the frequency) but she set the pace by texting me any days that I didn't. A couple days of texting post date 2, she goes silent and doesn't reply. I wait a couple days and send her a "hey how are you? Haven't heard from you in a couple days which hasn't been the norm, just wanted to make sure it's not a tech failure. If you're silent because you're not interested, no need to reply". I use this as a standard now since I've had unknown text delivery failures that have nearly cost me dates in the past. She replies simply saying she's been busy with a friends wedding stuff for the upcoming weekend and asks me how I've been. My take on those type of excuses are besides an emergency or being out in the wilderness nobody is ever not able to send a text, it's all about whether you care enough to. So I tell her that I'm good and that she's obviously busy so I won't tie her up, and she can text me next week if she has some free time, and to have fun at the wedding. She then completely ignores that and keeps asking me questions about things I've been doing. My instinct is to put this one on the back burner and not return much since I'm kind of lukewarm about it anyways, but I'd like to here some thoughts on this behaviour. Her last message was a curve ball I've never seen before.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You said she doesn't really put any effort in during the course of your 2 dates, so her behavior as of late shouldn't surprise you. You know she's not that into you....so what are you asking again? 1
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 You said she doesn't really put any effort in during the course of your 2 dates, so her behavior as of late shouldn't surprise you. You know she's not that into you....so what are you asking again? But that's the thing, I think she is into me, I think the cause of the conversation effort is she really doesn't have much to say, possibly even an introvert. If you weren't into a guy would you let him get you naked and then text him every day?
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) A couple days of texting post date 2, she goes silent and doesn't reply. I wait a couple days and send her a "hey how are you? Haven't heard from you in a couple days which hasn't been the norm, just wanted to make sure it's not a tech failure. If you're silent because you're not interested, no need to reply". I use this as a standard now since I've had unknown text delivery failures that have nearly cost me dates in the past. You sound like you have some experience with women so not sure how this will come across but I think the "standard" you use when you don't receive a reply for couple of days (like two days?) is too over the top. It sounds insecure and a bit needy. I mean why assume she might not be interested, or even ask about it? A secure confident man would never assume such a thing after only two days. Not IMO anyway. Or if he did feel insecure, he's smart enough to know he should contain it. People get busy and maybe she wanted to pace the texts out, texting every single day can get very old, very fast. I could understand a week or two but not after only a couple of days. And you've only had a couple of dates to boot. It's too much. Receiving a message like that would turn me right off, not sure how other women would feel. Edited May 5, 2017 by GoneGirl32 3
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Just because she got naked with you doesn't mean she wants to make this serious. Just one of those things...weighing her options possibly. Or she is one of those who expects the man to be alpha 100% of the time. 1
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 You sound like you have some experience with women so not sure how this will come across but I think the "standard" you use when you don't receive a reply for couple of days (like two days?) is too over the top. It sounds insecure and a bit needy. I mean why assume she might not be interested, or even ask about it? A secure confident man would never assume such a thing after only two days. Not IMO anyway. Or if he did feel insecure, he's smart enough to know he should contain it. People get busy and maybe she wanted to pace the texts out, texting every single day can get very old, very fast. I could understand a week or two but not after only a couple of days. And you've only had a couple of dates to boot. It's too much. Receiving a message like that would turn me right off, not sure how other women would feel. I see your point. Maybe I was hasty with that response. I guess it's my disdain for chasing and wasting time, and the change in pace threw me off. I learned a while back not to set a too strong pace by texting every day when you can't fulfil it, maybe she hasn't.
mightycpa Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 The thing about texting a romantic partner is that a lack of reply sows uncertainty unless you are super-secure in the relationship or there's a clear instruction at the end, like: OK Bye I'll see you [whenever] I'll call you later Talk to you tomorrow Nobody wants to be the last person to text or to cut off the text conversation, so a text conversation rarely ends with that level of satisfaction. It's usually unending banter until somebody doesn't respond. Nobody wants to text all day either and nobody wants to appear "text-needy" even though you both may feel that way. In short, TEXTING SUCKS FOR BUILDING INTIMACY If I were you, I'd either talk with her about an expectation, or if it is too early for that, end ALL your text conversations with something like... OK, gotta go. Nice convo! TTYL, xoxo even if you have to text twice in a row, or after no reply. You'll provide closure, positive feedback and affection, the TRIFECTA of getting to know someone new. Also, if she's feeling a little weird about the text convo, you'll give her comfortable text closure, an extra bonus. If she texts you, then reply, but know when to close off the convo, and close with your standard goodbye as described above. If she hasn't texted in a couple of days, and you're getting antsy, Just wanted to check in and say hi. Busy AM, can't chat now. TTYL, xoxo or Hi! I want to hear your voice! Can I call today? What time? xoxo Do those two things religiously, and she'll either pick up on your lead or she won't. If she doesn't respond, or does so haphazardly, slow down on your texting and spread your attention around to others who clearly enjoy hearing from you. If it bothers you, recognize that you're text-needy, and maybe you should start picking up the phone more often and begin taking her temperature that way instead. 1
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Just because she got naked with you doesn't mean she wants to make this serious. Just one of those things...weighing her options possibly. Or she is one of those who expects the man to be alpha 100% of the time. Well yeah if he's a true alpha, he's going to be alpha 100% of the time, that's his nature. A man isn't alpha part of the time, and beta part of the time, not in my experience anyway. And from my experience being with alphas, they would never use the "standard" KBob uses when they don't hear back from a chick in a couple of days. My guess is she is turned off at this point, even if she was interested initially.
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I see your point. Maybe I was hasty with that response. I guess it's my disdain for chasing and wasting time, and the change in pace threw me off. I learned a while back not to set a too strong pace by texting every day when you can't fulfil it, maybe she hasn't. I understand but sometimes you just gotta live with a little uncertainty. Just the nature of dating, especially in the early stages. Otherwise you run the risk of appearing overly needy and too invested.... too soon. If you think it might be a tech failure, why not just send another text, light and funny, something to make her laugh and pull her in? Not this "if you're not interested, no need to reply" crap (sorry) I would never anything send that, even if hadn't heard from him in a MONTH! 2
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 The thing about texting a romantic partner is that a lack of reply sows uncertainty unless you are super-secure in the relationship or there's a clear instruction at the end, like: OK Bye I'll see you [whenever] I'll call you later Talk to you tomorrow Nobody wants to be the last person to text or to cut off the text conversation, so a text conversation rarely ends with that level of satisfaction. It's usually unending banter until somebody doesn't respond. Nobody wants to text all day either and nobody wants to appear "text-needy" even though you both may feel that way. In short, TEXTING SUCKS FOR BUILDING INTIMACY If I were you, I'd either talk with her about an expectation, or if it is too early for that, end ALL your text conversations with something like... OK, gotta go. Nice convo! TTYL, xoxo even if you have to text twice in a row, or after no reply. You'll provide closure, positive feedback and affection, the TRIFECTA of getting to know someone new. Also, if she's feeling a little weird about the text convo, you'll give her comfortable text closure, an extra bonus. If she texts you, then reply, but know when to close off the convo, and close with your standard goodbye as described above. If she hasn't texted in a couple of days, and you're getting antsy, Just wanted to check in and say hi. Busy AM, can't chat now. TTYL, xoxo or Hi! I want to hear your voice! Can I call today? What time? xoxo Do those two things religiously, and she'll either pick up on your lead or she won't. If she doesn't respond, or does so haphazardly, slow down on your texting and spread your attention around to others who clearly enjoy hearing from you. If it bothers you, recognize that you're text-needy, and maybe you should start picking up the phone more often and begin taking her temperature that way instead. And that's the thing that bothers me: I'm not text needy and I didn't set the pace of texting every day, but now I'm the one that has to figure out the cause of the change in pace. I agree with all of the above points about texting, especially the point about it sucking for building intimacy. And I even suggested talking on the phone the first time we connected! To sum it up I'm not worried or insecure about whether she likes me or not. I guess I'm annoyed I'm being forced into a texting environment that entails a communication game that I have no desire to play. And that's my own fault. From now on KBob is sticking to a minimal text approach!
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) JMO but I think it's wrong to expect the pace to always remain the same, lest you think something is "off" she is losing interest or whatevs. Same for women. Learn to be more flexible about these things, so what if she or anyone texted you everyday and then missed a day (or two), big effin deal. If you're secure and confident and your dates have been fun and enjoyable, RELAX, stay busy and have faith she will reply when she gets a chance. If you want to send another text, that's fine, but make it light and fun! Change is good! It keeps things from getting dull, and keeps people on their toes, again especially in these early stages. I am realizing from reading these forums that many people have issues with change. And having too many expectations. Not judging I just find it a strange phenomenon. Change is actually healthy, I have never had a problem with it and deal with it quite well. Edited May 5, 2017 by GoneGirl32 2
Miss Spider Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Yeah, sounds like she's keeping her options open /putting you on her backburner...so put her on yours 1
mightycpa Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You GO KBob! JMO but I think it's wrong to expect the pace to always remain the same, lest you think something is "off" she is losing interest or whatevs. Same for women. Learn to be more flexible about these things, so what if she or anyone texted you everyday and then missed a day (or two), big effin deal. If you're secure and confident and your dates have been fun and you connected, RELAX and have faith she will reply when she gets a chance. Change is good! It keeps things from getting dull, and keeps people on their toes, again especially in these early stages. I am realizing from reading these forums that many people have issues with change. And having too many expectations. Not judging I just find it a strange phenomenon. Change is actually healthy, I have never had a problem with it and deal with it quite well.It's the old expectations game. Keeping in touch with new romantic interests was a lot easier before texting, and even easier before answering machines and even easier before the telephone was widespread. People love patterns. People take comfort in cultural ritual, like it or not. And change implies transtioning from one pattern to the next. Modern texting is more chaotic than not, and nobody likes chaos when they are trying to settle into the rhythm of their new relationship. I don't think it is strange at all.
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You GO KBob! It's the old expectations game. Keeping in touch with new romantic interests was a lot easier before texting, and even easier before answering machines and even easier before the telephone was widespread. People love patterns. People take comfort in cultural ritual, like it or not. And change implies transtioning from one pattern to the next. Modern texting is more chaotic than not, and nobody likes chaos when they are trying to settle into the rhythm of their new relationship. I don't think it is strange at all. Bolded, I don't. So not true for everyone. Maybe I'm a weirdo but I enjoy change, I actually thrive on change. That doesn't mean changing partners, or changing jobs, but I like diversity within the context of a stable environment (like a RL or a job). There is a saying "You can have the same experience with many different people, but different experiences with the SAME person." I am more of the latter. Having different experiences with the SAME person. I abhor patterns and rituals. Just me. 1
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 You GO KBob! It's the old expectations game. Keeping in touch with new romantic interests was a lot easier before texting, and even easier before answering machines and even easier before the telephone was widespread. People love patterns. People take comfort in cultural ritual, like it or not. And change implies transtioning from one pattern to the next. Modern texting is more chaotic than not, and nobody likes chaos when they are trying to settle into the rhythm of their new relationship. I don't think it is strange at all. I agree. People in general don't like change. Some adapt more than others to change and some easier in different ways than others, but ultimately human beings are creatures of habit. I agree with GoneGirl about people having too many expectations. I'm guilty of it, but I don't feel it's always wrong to have them. People build expectations through habits and patterns. Take this girl as a case in point: sets the pattern of texting every day, so based on that it's not wrong to expect she will text every day. So as much as it would be wrong for me to have that expectation it would be just as wrong for her to have the expectation that a change in behaviour wouldn't cause a reaction. The only way to properly manage expectations is to communicate them, which is something we haven't done yet, and that drives it into the realm of cultural dating practices with the question of too much too soon? Dating is weird.
mightycpa Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Bolded, I don't. So not true for everyone. Maybe I'm a weirdo but I enjoy change, I actually thrive on change. That doesn't mean changing partners, or changing jobs, but I like diversity within the context of a stable environment (like a RL or a job). There is a saying "You can have the same experience with many different people, but different experiences with the SAME person." I am more of the latter. Having different experiences with the SAME person. I abhor patterns and rituals. Just me. I know. Nothing's true for everyone. You've probably driven your fair share of people nuts then, haven't you?
mightycpa Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I agree. People in general don't like change. Some adapt more than others to change and some easier in different ways than others, but ultimately human beings are creatures of habit. I agree with GoneGirl about people having too many expectations. I'm guilty of it, but I don't feel it's always wrong to have them. People build expectations through habits and patterns. Take this girl as a case in point: sets the pattern of texting every day, so based on that it's not wrong to expect she will text every day. So as much as it would be wrong for me to have that expectation it would be just as wrong for her to have the expectation that a change in behaviour wouldn't cause a reaction. The only way to properly manage expectations is to communicate them, which is something we haven't done yet, and that drives it into the realm of cultural dating practices with the question of too much too soon? Dating is weird.Who knows? Maybe she's as constant as the Northern star, and it will turn out she can't text on Wednesday - Friday for whatever reason. I guess it begs the question of how long it took for you to identify a pattern, and was it really one? Maybe you just need a longer timeframe to work with. Maybe you're old school, and your expectation is that sex accelerates personal intimacy as well as physical intimacy. One thing's for sure. The best texts are the short ones.
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) I know. Nothing's true for everyone. You've probably driven your fair share of people nuts then, haven't you? LOL, yeah and I don't last very long with those who do. The best partners for me are men who also enjoy change and diversity (within the context of a LTR) and don't have a problem with my changeable nature. Nor do I have a problem with theirs. Once trust develops and we get to know and understand each other, that is. Till then, I've learned to live with a little uncertainty, I just roll with it, whatever's happening, I try to not stress about it. Contain, contain, contain. If it does become too all-encompassing, if something feels "off" about his behavior or our interaction, I will end the RL. My ex of six years loved my changeable (and somewhat unpredictable) nature, he would have been bored to death with anything else. Those are the best types of men for me. If others prefer patterns and rituals (i.e. same ole, same ole) that's fine for them. Personally I find them too rigid. Anyway, like I said earlier, I don't judge, just try to understand. Thanks for explaining. Edited May 5, 2017 by GoneGirl32 1
greymatter Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 LOL, yeah and I don't last very long with those who do. The best partners for me are men who also enjoy change and diversity (within the context of a LTR) and don't have a problem with my changeable nature. Nor do I have a problem with theirs. Once trust develops and we get to know and understand each other, that is. Till then, I've learned to live with a little uncertainty, I just roll with it, whatever's happening, I try to not stress about it. Contain, contain, contain. If it does become too all-encompassing, if something feels "off" about his behavior or our interaction, I will end the RL. My ex of six years loved my changeable (and somewhat unpredictable) nature, he would have been bored to death with anything else. Those are the best types of men for me. If others prefer patterns and rituals (i.e. same ole, same ole) that's fine for them. Personally I find them too rigid. Anyway, like I said earlier, I don't judge, just try to understand. Thanks for explaining. I seriously wish this were how I operate but none of what you said comes naturally to me, and I think that is a personality thing. 1
Dis Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 LOL, yeah and I don't last very long with those who do. The best partners for me are men who also enjoy change and diversity (within the context of a LTR) and don't have a problem with my changeable nature. Nor do I have a problem with theirs. Once trust develops and we get to know and understand each other, that is. Till then, I've learned to live with a little uncertainty, I just roll with it, whatever's happening, I try to not stress about it. Contain, contain, contain. If it does become too all-encompassing, if something feels "off" about his behavior or our interaction, I will end the RL. My ex of six years loved my changeable (and somewhat unpredictable) nature, he would have been bored to death with anything else. Those are the best types of men for me. If others prefer patterns and rituals (i.e. same ole, same ole) that's fine for them. Personally I find them too rigid. Anyway, like I said earlier, I don't judge, just try to understand. Thanks for explaining. I seriously wish this were how I operate but none of what you said comes naturally to me, and I think that is a personality thing. greymatter, this type of attitude can come with time and a lot of effort too. I commented on your thread and I was a lot like you, in that I was a very nervous dater and still am to a certain degree but I've learned to adopt some of GoneGirl's go with the flow attitude. I'm a Cancer but I'm on the cusp of Gemini...I'm trying to adopt some of that Gemini flowiness! What will be will be, no amount of worrying will change the outcome. I also look at it like I'm working to find the best person for me...so if a guy ghosts (which has happened to me before) then its really for the best. He just leaves an empty space for a better guy to take up KBob, would you mind sharing the age of this woman? I think she's exploring her options but once you sent her that text.... she realized you were about to bow out so she chatted you up again. She didnt mention if she was free next week either so....I think you're filling a slot for her I also agree that no one is too busy to send a text...esp interested people Dont put too much thought into this one... she sounds a little flakey but maybe if a connection develops between you two that could change Either way... whatever happens...will happen for a reason 1
mortensorchid Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I would just move on. Neither one of you is putting much effort into this so, just let it go.
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 KBob, would you mind sharing the age of this woman? I think she's exploring her options but once you sent her that text.... she realized you were about to bow out so she chatted you up again. She didnt mention if she was free next week either so....I think you're filling a slot for her I also agree that no one is too busy to send a text...esp interested people Dont put too much thought into this one... she sounds a little flakey but maybe if a connection develops between you two that could change Either way... whatever happens...will happen for a reason She's 29. Mortensorchid is right, I won't be pursuing anything with her anymore. There's no point chasing someone I'm lukewarm about, especially when there's no effort on the other end. She has the offer for next week, if something changes and she puts in some, then we'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breath. 1
Dis Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 She's 29. Mortensorchid is right, I won't be pursuing anything with her anymore. There's no point chasing someone I'm lukewarm about, especially when there's no effort on the other end. She has the offer for next week, if something changes and she puts in some, then we'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breath. This made me smile I'm so glad you're not wasting your time on someone whos not measuring up I see poeple on LS settling for and chasing people who dont really care and it makes me sad for them Onto the next! P.S- Love your avatar lol 1
Author KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 This made me smile I'm so glad you're not wasting your time on someone whos not measuring up I see poeple on LS settling for and chasing people who dont really care and it makes me sad for them Onto the next! P.S- Love your avatar lol Yeah life's too short to waste time on such people! Haha thanks! It seems everyone's changing theirs these days 2
greymatter Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 KBob, will be interested to hear if she does get back in touch. And if not, you are better off!
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