princesdi Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) In case age matters we are both 45 in this situation. I met a guy a month ago, we hit it off right away, we were both smitten with each other. He works nights so our communication during the week is limited. we spent the last few weekends together and had an amazing time. Last Thursday he made indication that he was falling for me. Spent the weekend together had an amazing time. Sunday when we woke up his mood shifted, as if he was depressed, but in another breathe he mentioned meeting his parents. Monday, 10 minute contact. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday he texted (which he hates doing, all communications was always facetime) said he was overwhelmed with life. Work, his new house having a hard time balancing everything. Said he was freaked out. Said that he would still see me but we needed to slow down. I haven't heard from him since. I am hurt, frustrated and confused. Everything was fantastic until he shifted. I have not doubt he cares for me, but not sure how to handle this sudden "fade". I adore this man, I am not sure if I should take the hint, or if he does care but struggling with something more. Why did he sabotage something good and what do I do? Edited May 5, 2017 by princesdi
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You do nothing....he is the one who put the brakes on...he has to be the one to contact you. He doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want to, so save your energy. Whatever happened, he is the only one who knows. 6
CptInsano Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 There are two possibilities, he either just wanted sex or he got ahead of himself, realizing that he couldn't maintain the relationship with his nightshift schedule, or that things were processing faster than he was comfortable with. But in either case, the OP's options are limited at this time. 2
Author princesdi Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 I think he got freaked out like he said, got ahead of himself and then didn't know how to process it. I just wish I could fix it or do something to show him that will be ok. BUT likely it won't, he will never admit he sabotaged a good thing.
spiderowl Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I'm guessing he put in a lot of effort to win you round and things progressed rapidly and well and now he's just suddenly hit a tired patch. After the initial effort, it's probably natural for anyone to take a step back and see where they are. It is a question of processing lots of new emotions. I would not panic, but just get on with your own things and leave him to wind down. Then you will see where he is. Of course if he does not keep in contact in a friendly way, then cut your losses, but if he is maintaining contact and processing his feelings and catching up on the things he has not been doing while with you, then he just probably needs to decompress a bit. Take this time to find your own equilibrium again. If it is not going to work, he won't come back, but if he starts to re-engage again and suggest dates and things to do together, then I think it is probably a natural form of mental exhaustion.
Redhead14 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 In case age matters we are both 45 in this situation. I met a guy a month ago, we hit it off right away, we were both smitten with each other. He works nights so our communication during the week is limited. we spent the last few weekends together and had an amazing time. Last Thursday he made indication that he was falling for me. Spent the weekend together had an amazing time. Sunday when we woke up his mood shifted, as if he was depressed, but in another breathe he mentioned meeting his parents. Monday, 10 minute contact. Tuesday nothing. Wednesday he texted (which he hates doing, all communications was always facetime) said he was overwhelmed with life. Work, his new house having a hard time balancing everything. Said he was freaked out. Said that he would still see me but we needed to slow down. I haven't heard from him since. I am hurt, frustrated and confused. Everything was fantastic until he shifted. I have not doubt he cares for me, but not sure how to handle this sudden "fade". I adore this man, I am not sure if I should take the hint, or if he does care but struggling with something more. Why did he sabotage something good and what do I do? Did you two ever have a conversation about overall dating goals? Did you tell him you were dating for the purpose of finding a long-term committed relationship and did he tell you the same? It's important to make sure that you and a new dating partner are on the same page in terms of dating goals -- if he says he just casually dating people and you want to explore the possibility of a relationship, you move on right then and there. Last Thursday he made indication ??? What would that "indication" be? You've known him a month and spent the last few weekends together??? -- Doing that so early really makes things get "old" fast . . . and could be smothering. I do think things were moving too fast, however, I also think the guy wasn't really looking for a real relationship. Maybe a little love-bombing going on here maybe from both of you. What should you do? -- Nothing. 3
act00 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I did this with a guy as well. He worked nights, I work days, and there was really only one night a week we could see each other, and communication was difficult due to job schedules and of course sleeping. I imagine it is very difficult for him. He needs to sleep during normal business hours. It makes it very difficult to deal with certain errands and what-not. When his free time is filled with you, it's really easy at first because everything is new and hot and exciting, but after awhile it takes its toll. Things have to slow down, and it's not necessarily because he doesn't like you or want you, but it just gets exhausting. He mentioned his parents. He suddenly seemed depressed. Things were progressing quickly. He has issues he needs to deal with; issues that will cut into his sleep time. It's a really hard schedule to work around, and who knows how this will play out long-term. I think that you could accept that maybe he needs to work towards new routines and new ways of doing things, and hopefully you two can settle into a little something that works better. Unfortunately this may mean not seeing him every weekend or not for as long on some weekends, more time on others?? I don't know. If he doesn't come around, cut your losses. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I'm sorry this happened to you, but you're done. It's time to move on. 2
MountainGirl111 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 You're dealing with someone who is 'overwhelmed with life', 'freaking out' and possibly depressed. Maybe he's got things going on right now that are more than he can handle and he feels pressure to have the relationship with you also be up to standards. Life happens and things come up. Sometimes people just don't have time for us like they did in the beginning. It doesn't always mean it's over. If he really is depressed, that's a different issue right there. 1
Author princesdi Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 And this is how the story ended Although I don't understand the mentality of liking someone but not wanting a relationship. "Hey,i want you to know that I am sorry ,I have came to realize that I can not give you what you deserve in a relationship,we moved way to fast ,and I apologize for that also,you are a good person and and you deserve better,I can not find any balance and I am trying to re focus my life,I did not want to hurt you and I did ,I am just not ready for a relationship,I am sorry.i can not bring myself to tell you over the phone or face to face,you need to move on ,I am not the guy you think I am or deserve. I do not want to be in a relationship,that I can not maintain,it is not fair to you ,I am not going to lead you on,it would only make it worse. I did and still do like you,I just do not want to be in a relationship "
greymatter Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I'm so sorry. That is a heartbreaking message to get. My recent breakup involved a version of this though it was after 14 months and daily "I love yous" and much time spent together. My ex suffered from depression and anxiety also. You are not alone in being on the receiving end of this, but for your sake I'm glad it happened now and not later. In hindsight I'm now glad to be out of that relationship but that is not how I felt when I was where you are now, albeit after a longer time together. So sorry princesdi.
Author princesdi Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 I'm hurt....in my delusional mind I'm thinking "give him time to soul search he will come around", but in my logical mind I know this is prob not true. He likely sabotages most "good and positive " relationships/potential he's in. I'm sad, but I need to brush myself off. I guess what I thought was a good thing was not meant to be. I am going to miss him, we had an amazing connection.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I'm hurt....in my delusional mind I'm thinking "give him time to soul search he will come around", but in my logical mind I know this is prob not true. He likely sabotages most "good and positive " relationships/potential he's in. I'm sad, but I need to brush myself off. I guess what I thought was a good thing was not meant to be. I am going to miss him, we had an amazing connection. Had you been having sex with him from the start? Or just recently? His 'confession' of a hard life may be a decoy and alternative explanation. One often times has little to no clue why someone suddenly changes.
Author princesdi Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 Had you been having sex with him from the start? Or just recently? His 'confession' of a hard life may be a decoy and alternative explanation. One often times has little to no clue why someone suddenly changes. 2nd date is when it became intimate
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 2nd date is when it became intimate How many dates have you two had?
OnlyHonesty Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Some are saying that he just wanted sex, others say he is making excuses. I disagree with both statements. I think this guy is not the type to get into relationships but got carried away with you. The thought of any sort of commitment or long term connection scares him and he was bought back down to earth with a thud. He is afraid of you, or rather his connection with you. This is why he is 45 and unattached. Part of this comes from him not knowing himself enough. Your best course of action is to completely forget about him. This is because if he re-initiates, exactly the same thing will happen again. It's likely he is emotionally unavailable and wants a simple life. 4
Miss Spider Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. You knew each other for a month. Minimal communication on weeks so that means you saw each other, what? A handful of times? You don't really know each other when you go that fast. You're running on that novelty, lust, and passion. People stop feeling it all the time in that stage. Sucks
Author princesdi Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 Some are saying that he just wanted sex, others say he is making excuses. I disagree with both statements. I think this guy is not the type to get into relationships but got carried away with you. The thought of any sort of commitment or long term connection scares him and he was bought back down to earth with a thud. He is afraid of you, or rather his connection with you. This is why he is 45 and unattached. Part of this comes from him not knowing himself enough. Your best course of action is to completely forget about him. This is because if he re-initiates, exactly the same thing will happen again. It's likely he is emotionally unavailable and wants a simple life. I think and know you are right. Still hard to accept.
Hailiee7 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I feel for you, but it really sounds that the relationship was going way, way too fast. Since he says that he needs time to slow down, and then it seems he has stopped contact with you altogether, it is best for you to step back as well. Pushing him for a response would definitely not the be way to go. Best give him some space.
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