musicmann Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 This might be a little bit of a lengthy read, So I apologize. But I tried to break it up in sections so that its easier follow through and read. Background: I had an ex whom I recently broke up with. We were together (living together) for 3 years. We broke up because she and I felt like her ex was still a distraction for her and I thought she needed the space away to be by herself. That way she can figure out what she really wants in life. We moved out of the apartment and got separate places a little over a month ago. But we still talked every day, sometimes all day and even hung out and saw each other on several occasions. During this time she kept stressing that she isn't looking for a relationship with anybody including her ex. And that she wants to "stand still" for now. She felt she did not want make any sudden moves with anybody then end up with regret. That included being "with" her ex as well. Meanwhile, all along, she kept telling me that she hasn't heard from her ex and was not pursuing him nor reaching out to him. The True Break Up: I started piecing together that she was actually seeing her other ex as well as me. I do not know the full extent of what they were doing, but I came to that conclusion one day when she suddenly stopped answering any of my texts or calls. That was extremely unlike her. Typically she'll usually let me know something at some point so I don't jump to conclusions. But this time, but after not hearing from her all day and night, I came to the conclusion she was on a date with him based on the circumstances that I saw and the history we had. Once I got the truth out of her a few days later, I immediately went into No Contact mode. The Change up: One day while doing some research, I came across this article online and it talks about signs that your ex is thinking about getting back with you. These are the signs from the article: 1.) Future Talk (talking about a future with you or making plans for dates etc) 2.) Not Dating/Hiding dating (when your ex doesn't want you to know they are dating somebody) 3.) Relationship talk (Talking about things that went on in the relationship and how it could've been fixed) 4.) Becoming a better ex (When your ex talks about improving themselves as partner-better job, getting in shape etc) 5.) Bringing up memories (Talking about things you've done and the fun you've had) Prior to that "uneventful night" I discovered she was dating her ex, my ex started exhibiting every single one of these traits. In fact we actually had a date of our own less than a week prior to that situation. We both had a BLAST on that date. We talked about seeing each other again. Furthermore, during text conversations, I started noticing that my ex dropping hints that "she has a feeling we are going to end up back together" and things of that sort. This was apparently another reason she said she didn't want to make any sudden moves with anybody. So that brings me to my true question: ... Because I found out about my ex seeing this other guy, it seems like she "closed the door" with me. I haven't spoken to her hardly since then. But that was primarily because I went into No Contact mode. Another reason we haven't reached out to each other is because I believe she feels I don't want to talk to her again. Long before this situation happened, I once told her that I couldn't be her friend if she is going to have this other guy in the picture in some capacity. (this may explain why she was lying about her "datingship" with him, even though her and I weren't in a relationship) Now I do not know if they are actually in a relationship now or just dating and going out. But I'm wondering if she was actually using her "Freedom" to decide who it was that she really wanted. I'm now worried that by me initiating the "no contact" it would actually hurt my chances of getting her back. In a sense, I guess I'm asking... by going into NO contact, did I make the choice easy for her to be with him by default?
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 She was heading toward him the entire time she was with you. He has been a problem in your relationship for 3 years! You & her moved out from living together. That's a step backwards. As soon as she was living on her own she saw more of the other guy & lied to you about it. In what universe is it healthy for you to do anything other than keep her out of your life? 2
dumbass2 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 No, you did the right thing. She was with you for 3 years and that's more than enough time to know if you have a long term future together. The answer was no by her actions. Move forward and not backwards. 1
SpecialJ Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I'm a little confused. This reads as full of assumptions. Did you ever just directly state what you wanted and ask her where she's at now? Or ask if she's seeing him again? Or you just assume that's why she "disappeared"? It doesn't sound promising, but ask her, not us. If you feel like you can't communicate honestly with her or vice-versa, there's not much worth saving anyway. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 you are making it easier for her to pursue her ex yes or easier for her ex to pursue her.........for all you know though that could have been the case in the first place..... i feel you should have comunicated to her fully what you knew and been open and honest as she should have been open and honest with you.. if you think no contact was a way to get her back it isnt...its for you to move froward without her and for her to move forward without you....and go backwards with her ex if she chooses to ...i feel you have done the right thing for you by going no contact....good luck.....deb
Maldives Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 She was heading toward him the entire time she was with you. He has been a problem in your relationship for 3 years! You & her moved out from living together. That's a step backwards. As soon as she was living on her own she saw more of the other guy & lied to you about it. In what universe is it healthy for you to do anything other than keep her out of your life? Spot on agree with the above
Author musicmann Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 I'm a little confused. This reads as full of assumptions. Did you ever just directly state what you wanted and ask her where she's at now? Or ask if she's seeing him again? Or you just assume that's why she "disappeared"? It doesn't sound promising, but ask her, not us. If you feel like you can't communicate honestly with her or vice-versa, there's not much worth saving anyway. The only thing i can't prove "for a fact" is that she was with him that particular night. However, she has since come out and admitted that she is basically pursuing him or in a relationship or something. I don't know exactly what they are. She never addressed me or answered directly to being with him that night. In her defense she doesn't have to; being that she was/is single. But she finally sent me a text responding to my request for clarity. In a nutshell, her answer was basically a confirmation that she's moving on with him. I guess at the end of it all, my issue isn't so much that she decided to be with THIS guy... my issue is HOW she went about it. We were just hanging out and enjoying an awesome time together at the movies when she came to visit me at my new place. That was on a Sunday... then that upcoming Friday (less than a week later), she's suddenly ignoring my calls and texts out of the blue after we talked that very morning???! There's actually a lot more to it (no we didn't get into an argument.. at least not a heated one), but the intricacies probably don't matter... at least not anymore.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 If after 3 years with you she still felt her ex was a distraction, this is not a relationship you want to try to revive. Her heart is ultimately with him and not you. It's time for you to let her go so you can find a girl who's not still in love with her ex.
Author musicmann Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 its hard to disagree with what many of you are saying. I suppose at the end of the day her actions are showing that she doesn't value our friendship as much as I do. I'm very early into this no contact thing (only been 3 days since last communication). However its been a week since any "meaningful" conversation (conversation similar to what we used to have). I admit it, not talking to her will take some getting use to. For the past 5 years since we got back in touch with each other online, we've texted or talked almost every day sometimes all day. That's what lead to us eventually moving in together. That was obviously part of my confusion about why she wasn't answering my messages or calls. Its never been like her to do anything like that to me no matter how upset we got with each other in the past.
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