The pressure from others to look

[ZA Dater]

I have been battling with this for many years but of late its getting worse and maybe some here can offer some advice beyond the obvious of expletive laden conversations.

 

 

Be it family, be it the few friends I have, people I know they all want to know why I am single. I have dealt with it in the past by saying I am focussing on other things but that isn't washing anymore.

 

 

Honestly what do I say without having to trot out my largely secretive dating failures? I am genuinely ashamed at my inability to attract anyone of interest when everyone around me seems to have no such difficulties at all.

 

 

How do I handle this?

[youdunsay]

How old are you? Have you tried online dating? I just signed up a month ago. Well even though I haven't got any responses so far, I guess plastering my face for a while on the internet doesn't hurt and could possibly get me some feedback from potential dates.

[youdunsay]

I am like you by the way -- turning 30s soon, still a single woman, and my life has been generally about work. People are asking me but I just keep my mouth shut and roll eyes.

[ZA Dater]

I did OLD for nearly 8 years with little/no success barring the learning about people which was perhaps the only positive I could take away from the experience.

[NuevoYorko]

Tell them whatever you want. You don't owe them an explanation tailored to be satisfactory to them.

[preraph]

Here's the thing. If you're not unhappy single, hardly anyone will target you about that because it will be obvious to them that you are having a great time and doing fun things and are not unhappy.

 

I focused on my dream was always excited about it (and working within my interest) and led a busy, social and fun life, and I only had one or two people (no relatives or friends) ask me "Why aren't you married?" And those were more like acquaintances or business acquaintances. One was a guy who might have wanted to hire me. I was happy overall, though I certainly had some heartbreak, but I just told them how I felt, and that was "I got better things to do" or "I'm having waaay too much fun to want to get married" and if there's argument, followed it up with "I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's."

 

The point is people won't attack you unless they see vulnerability. If you're happy with yourself, most people respect that and leave you alone. So try to be who you want to be and try to have focus other than just finding a partner and hold your head high, because this is your life, not theirs. It's not a nice thing to ask Why aren't you married or Why don't you have kids. It's something unhappy jerks do to try to make themselves feel superior, so put no stock in those people and don't let them bother you.

[d0nnivain]

Turn the people who ask about your love life into resources. Everybody gets these Qs. I used to reply, I'm single because I haven't met anybody I want to get serious with. Do you know anybody who would be a good match for me? Most had nothing to offer but it made them shut up. A few fixed me up.

[ZA Dater]

Turn the people who ask about your love life into resources. Everybody gets these Qs. I used to reply, I'm single because I haven't met anybody I want to get serious with. Do you know anybody who would be a good match for me? Most had nothing to offer but it made them shut up. A few fixed me up.

 

I am going to try that one!

[ZA Dater]

I actually did try what was suggested here "there are lots of nice girls out there" was the reply. Like something like that was supposed to make me feel better.

 

 

Stupid as it is, I stopped believing that quite a long time ago in terms of there being anyone to date me, great girls to be friends with perhaps but they don't want anything more with me.

[d0nnivain]

The person who gave you that lame reply is just a busy body. They ask about your love life because they are gossipy. They don't have your best interests at heart or they'd be more helpful. Next time they inquire, just ignore them. Sadly, most people will be like this.

[ZA Dater]

The person who gave you that lame reply is just a busy body. They ask about your love life because they are gossipy. They don't have your best interests at heart or they'd be more helpful. Next time they inquire, just ignore them. Sadly, most people will be like this.

 

Yip, I think you are correct.

 

 

I have learnt many things, one of them is few people will ever provide dating help at all, at least fruitful constructive help.

 

 

Its far easier to, as you say, gossip and provide nothing constructive. In fact I'll go further and say some people just like to bring you down and rub your lack of success in your face.

[normal person]

I'm not sure why anyone else would have a problem with you being single as it doesn't affect them at all. I have a perpetually single friend and others are always wondering in private when he's going to do something about his situation. The thing is, he's seemingly pretty happy, and it's not like he complains about being single, so I'm not so sure why it's always such a concern to everyone else.

 

I think the poster who suggested you ask if they know anyone single gave a great response because it removes the unnecessary pressure they put on you to find someone and puts it on them to do it, since it bothers them so much. I love that.

[BaileyB]

The dreaded question... It has the ability to make you feel awful when the truth is, it's nobody's business.

 

Depending on my audience, sometimes I would respond with humor and tell them that I was currently in the process of accepting applications. Most people will laugh and then change the topic.

[normal person]

Here's the thing. If you're not unhappy single, hardly anyone will target you about that because it will be obvious to them that you are having a great time and doing fun things and are not unhappy.

 

I focused on my dream was always excited about it (and working within my interest) and led a busy, social and fun life, and I only had one or two people (no relatives or friends) ask me "Why aren't you married?" And those were more like acquaintances or business acquaintances. One was a guy who might have wanted to hire me. I was happy overall, though I certainly had some heartbreak, but I just told them how I felt, and that was "I got better things to do" or "I'm having waaay too much fun to want to get married" and if there's argument, followed it up with "I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's."

 

The point is people won't attack you unless they see vulnerability. If you're happy with yourself, most people respect that and leave you alone. So try to be who you want to be and try to have focus other than just finding a partner and hold your head high, because this is your life, not theirs. It's not a nice thing to ask Why aren't you married or Why don't you have kids. It's something unhappy jerks do to try to make themselves feel superior, so put no stock in those people and don't let them bother you.

 

This is a fantastic post too, well done. Although there is something this brings to mind: if you are perpetually single, hopefully you use your time productively and in a way that will improve your standings. I'm single often too. The difference between me and my friend I described is that I use my free time very well, continue to work on and live out my dream, date a lot of people in order to find someone I do really like. My friend doesn't use his time nearly as well.

[basil67]

Saw this in action the other night with some girlfriends. One is divorced and NOT looking but another was pressuring her to get out there and find a new man.

[Mysterio]

I feel the pressure as well. I am Canadian Black Single/Male/46. I feel a bit of anger that I think that I need someone to love me like I see with other couples.

 

I say to myself. Whats coming for me is better than what I am going after. We have to come to terms that having a romantic relationship can't be an all consuming entity. We have to stop thinking that our lives are lacking with out one or its a problem not having a romantic partner.

 

We all want love, but in our modern day society its hard to find. I think ultimate non conditional love waits in the heavens above.

 

I look at my life and I see clearly what I have to do. In order for me to find love with a woman. I have to let go of all my conventional ideals about it and let. I let the universe give it to me in its time. All I have to be is well dressed/groomed and affable.

[ZA Dater]

I think the poster who suggested you ask if they know anyone single gave a great response because it removes the unnecessary pressure they put on you to find someone and puts it on them to do it, since it bothers them so much. I love that.

 

Agreed, it can work but as happened to me just yesterday, the same friend asked again and this time suggested a b and c, people he would never look at twice yet there are suddenly perfectly for me.

 

 

I call this offering up what he himself would never want, would never like. Which has the ability to make me feel even worse.

 

 

Though what I ended up doing was thinking about someone I do like to take these self loathing thoughts away.