zerofighter21 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Hello, Me (23M) and my girlfriend (26F) of 6 months recently got into some nasty arguments, and she has become increasingly passive aggressive with me over the past two weeks. She is an au pair here in the US, but she's going back to her home country, Spain in a week for her vacation (3 weeks). She really misses her family, her dog is depressed and won't eat, her grandfather is dying, and her younger sister is suffering from some kind of psychological issue where she gets anxiety when she's away from her mother. Her parents are divorced, and her mom is having some difficulties making ends meet because her father refuses to pay for child support. So I do think that's she's very homesick at this point. She hasn't seen her family in 8 months, and apparently family is huge in Spanish culture. Well, in the past month we got into arguments that basically centered around me apparently not caring about her and being negligent. We were at a bar recently, and I didn't do anything when some guy hit on her. She said she wanted to feel protected, I said "you're a grown woman, it's not hard to say no to a guy, and he wasn't forcing himself on you." In another instance, I went to Montreal for work, and I didn't text her for 2 days, and she got upset that I didn't keep her updated. I should also note that, for the first time I exploded at her and yelled at her for being so passive aggressive for two weeks. I regret that, obviously, but I was just so fed up with her treatment. She said she wanted a break to clear her mind, to calm down, and to spend time with her family and friends back home. She said she has so many feelings right now, and she needs time to think about us. When asked, she said she wouldn't be "looking for anything from anyone," and that we would have a date to talk over things when she got back. She said that she still believes a relationship is possible, but she doesn't know what's going to happen once she goes on this trip. Basically, I believe she's torn between staying in the US, and going back to Spain for good. Or maybe she made up her mind already. Two days after her break declaration, I had a talk with her in person, and I explained to her in a very calm manner that I loved her, I cared for her, and I'm willing to make the changes she wanted in order for this relationship to work. I also said I'd be willing to see a psychologist to work through some of these issues while she was away. I have since been in no contact. She also said she loves me, but her kisses weren't as deep, not as passionate, and she didn't want to stay for sex. Which is a first. She also took her clothes from my apartment, saying she needed them for Spain. She left her deodorant and toothbrush when I asked her if she wants to take those as well, lol. Not sure if this is at all worth mentioning; perhaps I'm looking too much into this. As I said she's an au pair, and she made it clear to me that she wants to marry me. She even asked for a promise ring, which I laughed at. So is this her way of saying goodbye for good? Or do I have a shot when she comes back? What is the best course of action here, given all that I said? Please give it your all, because I'm willing to do it for her now. Thank you. tl:dr girlfriend thinks I don't care about her, got into nasty fights, now reconsidering staying in the US with me by taking a break. Edit: she is leaving next Thursday morning for 3 weeks. It is Friday morning as a write this. She said she wanted a break this Monday.
BluesPower Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Well buddy... If you really love this girl, I think you might have blown it. When they get needy like that and especially if she is away from home, you have to be sensitive to it. Over time you can work with them about the neediness but sometimes it takes time. Plus, She is away from her home country and away from her family. That is a big, big deal in her country. If she does come back, you have seriously got to up your game in the sensitivity department. These kind of women are delicate, you have to treat them with care. This is not your first serious relationship is it? I wish you luck... 1
Author zerofighter21 Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 It is my first relationship. I wonder if buying a promise ring like she wanted would help.
stillafool Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Well, in the past month we got into arguments that basically centered around me apparently not caring about her and being negligent. We were at a bar recently, and I didn't do anything when some guy hit on her. She said she wanted to feel protected, I said "you're a grown woman, it's not hard to say no to a guy, and he wasn't forcing himself on you." I agree with you on this. At 26 she should know how to decline a man's advances towards her unless he get's physical. Bringing you into it would probably make the situation escalate.
Erik30 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 It is my first relationship. I wonder if buying a promise ring like she wanted would help. Only buy a ring if you intend to marry her. It seems like she's going to give you an ultimatum... so be prepared for that
CptInsano Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 We were at a bar recently, and I didn't do anything when some guy hit on her. She said she wanted to feel protected, I said "you're a grown woman, it's not hard to say no to a guy, and he wasn't forcing himself on you." I would let her go. She is passive aggressive, and if you married and she came to the US you would be solely responsible for her happiness. I know I wouldn't sign up for that type of game. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Breaks solve nothing. They are break ups with training wheels. However since she is going home to Spain for an extended stay, 3 weeks, the time apart may do you both some good. I wouldn't call it a break, just time when she will be away. You have only been together 6 months. It's way too soon to talk about marriage. Why is she in such a dog gone hurry? My cynicism may be showing but is she looking for a green card? With all the immigration issues going on these days, she may be seeking a short cut. I agree with you that promise rings are silly. Mostly what I see is a girl who is desperate to get you to prove your love by chasing her. That is really what she's after -- more of your attention. To that end, if you want to nurture this relationship, do something grand like have flowers delivered to her parents' house in Spain while she's there with a sweet note about how much you miss her. Offer to drive her to the airport. Give her a small bon voyage gift but tell her not to open it until she gets on the plane. Make it thoughtful like gum, a small snack, a travel pillow, an eye mask, & a romantic note. When she gets home pick her up at the AP & give her a bag of Hershey's kisses to symbolize all the kisses you two missed while she was away 1
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 We were at a bar recently, and I didn't do anything when some guy hit on her. She said she wanted to feel protected, I said "you're a grown woman, it's not hard to say no to a guy, and he wasn't forcing himself on you." You were wrong here. You should have spoken up or moved closer to her and put your arm around her to let him know it's time to move on. Were you too scared or intimidated to do that? She also said she loves me, but her kisses weren't as deep, not as passionate, and she didn't want to stay for sex. This is when you know a woman is emotionally done with you. As I said she's an au pair, and she made it clear to me that she wants to marry me. She even asked for a promise ring, which I laughed at. Bad form. Yeah... no wonder she closed up on you emotionally. You laughed at her vulnerability... not good. So is this her way of saying goodbye for good? Or do I have a shot when she comes back? What is the best course of action here, given all that I said? Please give it your all, because I'm willing to do it for her now. Thank you. There is no such thing as a break. The stuff she's left at your place is stuff that easily replaced and of no consequential cost. tl:dr girlfriend thinks I don't care about her, cliff notes: You don't. If you did, you would have let the guy at the bar know through your actions that she was with you. Also, you laughed at her when she was being emotionally vulnerable. She's got too much going on in Spain to be trippin' on someone in the US who's acting like it's a chore to care. 1
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 It is my first relationship. I wonder if buying a promise ring like she wanted would help. No--that's not the issue. The issue was you laughing at her. You could have easily said to her "let's see how things play out between us" or "let's get onto more secure footing first and then we'll revisit this". That would have reassured her that you were allowing your feelings to develop for her in the right way. You just cut her off at the knees by callously laughing at her. That will never go over well for any woman who has a healthy sense of herself.
CptInsano Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You were wrong here. You should have spoken up or moved closer to her and put your arm around her to let him know it's time to move on. Were you too scared or intimidated to do that? Or he was just smart about it. Such a situation is one of the dumbest reasons to escalate a situation. I will defend a woman if there is an actual threat and have done so in the past. But yes, she is an adult and can decline somebody's advances. I still think she is playing him like a fiddle. 1
VeveCakes Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You don't know her well enough to even be considering marriage. The relationship has fallen apart, another sign marriage is a ridiculous thought. Stressful times bring strong couples together, and move couples that are not meant to be apart. A break is a prelude to a break up. I would prepare to say goodbye for good. 1
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Or he was just smart about it. Such a situation is one of the dumbest reasons to escalate a situation. I will defend a woman if there is an actual threat and have done so in the past. But yes, she is an adult and can decline somebody's advances. And if instead of her being affronted by the strangers actions, she welcomed then, would OP be whining about her not acting like she's his girlfriend? I expect so. I still think she is playing him like a fiddle. Of course you do. 1
Author zerofighter21 Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 Hey, so I should have been more clear about the bar situation. She ended up rejecting him quite hard, and he went on his way quite quickly. She was just upset that I didn't intervene on her behalf.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 She has communicated to you what her needs are, but you dismiss them. So now she feels she is not being heard or is being respected/ loved/valued. She tries the passive/aggressive route out of frustration and hurt to get her needs met, and your solution is to blow up at her. She is done, and done. 1
Author zerofighter21 Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 What do you guys think about me going out to buy a promise ring, and then giving it to her tomorrow? They're not that expensive, and it would be a nice gesture. I should also have been more clear about the marriage situation. Yes, we were planning on getting married because her visa status is expiring soon, but it wasn't completely out of convenience. We actually did fall quite hard for each other, and she had no intention of staying here prior to meeting me or the first few weeks within meeting me. And it was I who broached the topic and asked if she would be down for it. She just wanted it to make the moment feel special.
mightycpa Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) I think as a 23 year old American male, with the capacity for rational thought, you should ask yourself why you'd want to go to all this trouble with a passive-aggressive 26 year old who is reaching the retirement age of her current career. What kind of life can she offer you? Take a pass. There's trouble in paradise, and clearly, you two don't see eye to eye about everything. Life's too short to sign everything away now, especially to someone that you're not on the same wavelength with. Remember, infatuations rise, they fall and then they disappear in a 1 - 3 year lifecycle. How long have you known her? But if you're going to buy her a ring, then call it what it is: AN ENGAGEMENT RING. That should give you some pause. Edited May 5, 2017 by mightycpa 2
BluesPower Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I agree with you on this. At 26 she should know how to decline a man's advances towards her unless he get's physical. Bringing you into it would probably make the situation escalate. No this is one of his mistakes... She is from Spain and a little demure so he should have told him to FO. If it caused a fight, he still would have been better off. She would have loved it. So OP, based on this being your first relationship, if you want to keep her, you are going to have to get engaged. So if she comes back and still wants to be with you, that is where you have to go. If not, start dating. I understand why you had no clue what you should do with her. It is understandable. You need a different mind set with her rather than American women. In the Hispanic culture, the women expect to be protected vigorously and spoiled. That is what their fathers did and that is what the expect you to do. If she is still interested, and I know she is a beauty, you need to really rethink your approach. And frankly, if you are ready and she wants to, she will actually make a great wife. Your choice...
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 What do you guys think about me going out to buy a promise ring, and then giving it to her tomorrow? They're not that expensive, and it would be a nice gesture. Don't. The psychological moment has passed. If you're only buying her a cheap ring as a means of manipulating her, then don't bother. If you meant it, you wouldn't have laughed in her face. This is about preserving your comfort zone. 2
Author zerofighter21 Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 (edited) Don't. The psychological moment has passed. If you're only buying her a cheap ring as a means of manipulating her, then don't bother. If you meant it, you wouldn't have laughed in her face. This is about preserving your comfort zone. Calm yourself. Again, I was interested in marriage already. Just didn't see a promise ring meaningful. What's the point of a promise ring, to promise to engage, which is in itself a promise to marry? Edited May 6, 2017 by zerofighter21
fromheart Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Sorry to have to be so direct. She's going to look for other men, but is keeping you as a back up just in case. Letting her call all the shots as she has been doing, is a sign that she doesn't respect you. You not taking any decisive action in the face if her nonsense, is confirming her decision for 'space.' Tell her that her terms don't work for you, you'll be doing your own thing. She can call you if she changer her mind but you're not interested in friendship. Then walk away, NC forever. This is what any self respecting man would do.
fromheart Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 What do you guys think about me going out to buy a promise ring, and then giving it to her tomorrow? You can make a daisy chain and wear it on your head as you give it to her. Or maybe a pink bow. Come on dude, man up. Gifts aren't for women who have a low or falling interest in you. Apart from the gift of missing you.
Author zerofighter21 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 (edited) Hey guys, Just wanted to add some closure to the discussion. I ended up breaking it off with her. I asked her how she feels emotionally about us, whether she feels in the relationship or not. She said she's "emotionally done." So I decided to nuke it. Said via text, "Ok. Enjoy your vacation, it was a great learning experience." Removed her from all social media, threw away all her stuff in my apartment. Now that I've gone through this, it's amazing to see how quickly a woman can turn her heart off to a man, regardless of how special she may have seemed. I don't mean that in a bad way necessarily, just an observation. We were literally talking about marriage and kids 3 weeks ago with high hopes. Haha how naive of me. I want to thank everyone for the advice. Time to listen to Mr. Brightside and move onto the next one. Edited May 7, 2017 by zerofighter21 1
fromheart Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Well done. Take it from everybody here, you have done the right thing.
stillafool Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 You need a different mind set with her rather than American women. In the Hispanic culture, the women expect to be protected vigorously and spoiled. That is what their fathers did and that is what the expect you to do. ... My Gawd, if this is true OP you need to stay away from her. No one has time for this and you will get tired of her real fast.
smackie9 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Hey guys, Now that I've gone through this, it's amazing to see how quickly a woman can turn her heart off to a man, regardless of how special she may have seemed. I don't mean that in a bad way necessarily, just an observation. We were literally talking about marriage and kids 3 weeks ago with high hopes. Haha how naive of me. I bet money on it that she felt the same way with you....Her observation: you didn't act towards her like someone who wanted to get married and have kids. And she isn't tap dancing down the street...she's feeling pretty gutted by it all, so don't kid yourself. It's not a quick turning off the heart....this thing has been going on for awhile...she tried real hard to have high hopes, but she didn't feel your commitment the way she wanted to see it....chalk it up as incompatibility. You BOTH made the right decision to end it. I think you will agree when you finally meet Mrs. Right. I congratulate you for ending it. You handled it very maturely, which we hardly ever see on LS. You both will be happier for it. Best of luck to you....summer is coming! :bunny::cool:
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