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Importance of staying over at your partner's house. (With his family around)

miragebunny

By miragebunny
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miragebunny New Member

miragebunny

Posted
Posted

I do respect my own views but I'm hoping to get more opinions and/or advice.

 

To give you a clearer picture this is me and my boyfriend's back story like:

We are both Asians living in a Asia country. We are open-minded and are not very traditional in the Chinese culture (eg. strict and conservative parents, etc.)

 

But it comes to this, me and him have very different views when the topic of staying over at each other's home arise over the weekend. He wants me to stay over at his place as and when he feels like it but to me it is not as easy as it seem to be.

 

I will consider a few things before agreeing to it because his family will be at home, including his Mother, Father, Sister and a Helper. To me I don't feel quite comfortable doing that because no matter what I am an outsider and we're officially dating for only 2 months. I want to get introduced officially to the family before thinking about staying over at his place. Slow but steady.

 

But to him it is no big deal, girlfriend staying over at his place is a norm thing to do. He mentioned that his thinking is more westernized and open but the thing that is different to me is that in America, males or females have their own apartment/house without their families living in it so it makes sense to stay over as and when they want to without having to consider about the family's inconvenience or are they comfortable with having you in their home all the time. The thing is we are not living in America neither do we have an apartment to ourselves.

 

That is why to me, my own home is where I am most comfortable with.

We will visit a neighboring country every weekend just the two of us to wind down, relax and have fun but that doesn't seem enough for him?

 

Any opinions or any advice are welcomed. Am I caring too much or should he respect my opinions and decision? Thanks.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
To me I don't feel quite comfortable doing that because no matter what I am an outsider and we're officially dating for only 2 months. I want to get introduced officially to the family before thinking about staying over at his place. Slow but steady.

 

Hi, I'm westernized and I would not be comfortable with this - certainly not before meeting his family and spending some time getting to know them. To me, it would be disrespectful to stay over in their home before I knew his family and while dating such a short time.

 

I do have a friend who used to stay over for a whole weekend at her boyfriends house. His mom would make them pancakes in the morning... it always felt uncomfortable to me.

 

I think you should respect your culture and your values. Good luck.

  • Like 4
SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

Posted
Posted

He should absolutely respect your decisions and feelings. And it's understandable that you don't want to be hanging out with his family, especially since you're so new. Let him know clearly that you're not ready for that and don't want to, and you also don't want any pressure about that and you are asking him to respect your request. Then listen carefully. If he doesn't back off, he may not be a keeper.

  • Like 2
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted (edited)

when i have stayed with my partners family one they knew me first and two sex was not done in their home even when we had kids.....the same with my family....when i my partner and i stayed with my parents......

my partners' parents always made me feel at home my last long term they gave up their bed.....when i stayed with one boyfriend who had fostered him we slept in different rooms, i had never met them before staying with them and they were old school christian and a loving family with rules......they had other orphans they had adopted and foster babies.....:0)...they just kept dividing bedrooms..his foster mum was a giving huge hearted woman.......and even though i was pregnant with my partners baby we slept in different rooms....

she was also aware i was an ex escort...actually running cross country from it at the time thats why we stayed with them....

 

staying over can be a way to really know family to understand your guy....you have to be willing to follow theri rules and showign respect to them by not havign sex in their home i find is really comforting to parents...its shows respect and understanding.....even as a gradnmother that i am now if i were to meet parents of a guy i were to date and stay at their house would continue to do what i have always done there was oen time i ddint adn its funny but we couldnt anyway ..lol...just didnt work..........even if they told me it was ok in my future...i would not.....im waiting till marriage anyway

 

i have dated different cultures......and met all the parents of the men i have dated......macedonian ...italian....greek.....aussie .indigenous.......south african.....and that includes foster parents to an orphan.......i dont have a problem with family..all types of family......i was always a little nervous adn anxious...its just me.... but still open and friendly....and they made me feel comfortable......sleep overs arent really a problem for me ...as long as the guy i date doesnt expect me to have sex under his parents roof......

 

you should do what you feel comfortable with.....if it isnt time for you to meet them yet then it isnt time...you can feel a little nervous.....but if it doesnt feel right...dont do it......i wish you well and hope it works out for you and that you get to meet the parents and fam on good terms when you are ready and also how you want to meet them........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as I had my own room and was not sleeping with him. It wouldn't be a problem for me meeting the parents the first time. I would try to be as helpful as possible.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

You are a very smart woman.

 

Maybe he is in the habit of bringing girls home to his parents this early and without proper introduction but YOU are not just any girl and you do not want to be treated by him like just 'any girl'.

 

When his parents meet you and they see you are on the more conservative side and you want things done properly and want things done within the respect of your culture they will think: OH this girl is different than the other ones and they'll have more respect for you for it. They will definitely think you are marriage material contrary to the other girls he used to sneak in without any introduction.

 

Stick to your guns girl! Demand to be treated like a lady and if he doesn't want to respect that then change boyfriend.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted

Why did he want you to stay over? Was it because he wanted to be intimate physically, or because you guys live far from each other? I personally wouldn't feel comfortable when he's still staying with his parents.

anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
Hi, I'm westernized and I would not be comfortable with this - certainly not before meeting his family and spending some time getting to know them. To me, it would be disrespectful to stay over in their home before I knew his family and while dating such a short time.

 

I do have a friend who used to stay over for a whole weekend at her boyfriends house. His mom would make them pancakes in the morning... it always felt uncomfortable to me.

 

I think you should respect your culture and your values. Good luck.

 

Agreed. Your boyfriend is sorely mistaken if he things we're all sleeping over with each other's families out here in the west. I'm Canadian where we are fairly liberal and I wouldn't want to sleep over in my boyfriends parents home, especially a boyfriend I've only been seeing for a couple of months. If makes a habit of having short term girlfriends sleep over in his parents house I would find that concerning and disrespectful.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I did not stay at a BF's under his parents' roof.

 

 

Once, about 18 months into dating a guy I was invited to his parents' beach house. I was not thrilled but I assumed I'd be rooming with his sister, not him. When I got there & was told BF & I would be in one room, sister would be in another room & sister's BF would be on the couch, I offered to go home. I explained I wasn't comfortable with those arrangements. The parents were thrilled. My BF, his sister & her BF were angry with me because the arrangements ended up being me & the sister in one room, my BF & her BF in the other room.

 

 

I was living with a guy & we went to visit his parents in another state. we slept in separate rooms out of respect to the parents.

 

 

Unmarried, there is no way I'd stay with the BF. Heck the first time DH & I visited his parents' houses I felt odd sleeping with him.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I'm in America, and I wouldn't be comfortable staying over in the same room of a boyfriend's house unless we were engaged at least. Most parents don't want to see/hear this.

 

So now I am a little worried if his parents are unusual or maybe have no boundaries, which could be a red flag for his own boundaries.

 

 

It is too soon. Keep getting to know him and his views on things, especially sexual things. Fish around for anything like a history of molestation or a parent who is embarrassing or too involved, trying to be teen's friend, just anything that shows lack of boundaries and parenting and realize he is the product.

 

Maybe it's nothing, but it sounds odd to me that parents encourage him to bring dates home.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

OP, does he want you two to sleep together in his parent's home? That to me is a no, no unless you're married.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I do respect my own views but I'm hoping to get more opinions and/or advice.

 

To give you a clearer picture this is me and my boyfriend's back story like:

We are both Asians living in a Asia country. We are open-minded and are not very traditional in the Chinese culture (eg. strict and conservative parents, etc.)

 

But it comes to this, me and him have very different views when the topic of staying over at each other's home arise over the weekend. He wants me to stay over at his place as and when he feels like it but to me it is not as easy as it seem to be.

 

I will consider a few things before agreeing to it because his family will be at home, including his Mother, Father, Sister and a Helper. To me I don't feel quite comfortable doing that because no matter what I am an outsider and we're officially dating for only 2 months. I want to get introduced officially to the family before thinking about staying over at his place. Slow but steady.

 

But to him it is no big deal, girlfriend staying over at his place is a norm thing to do. He mentioned that his thinking is more westernized and open but the thing that is different to me is that in America, males or females have their own apartment/house without their families living in it so it makes sense to stay over as and when they want to without having to consider about the family's inconvenience or are they comfortable with having you in their home all the time. The thing is we are not living in America neither do we have an apartment to ourselves.

 

That is why to me, my own home is where I am most comfortable with.

We will visit a neighboring country every weekend just the two of us to wind down, relax and have fun but that doesn't seem enough for him?

 

Any opinions or any advice are welcomed. Am I caring too much or should he respect my opinions and decision? Thanks.

 

He should respect your opinions and decisions. You dont' feel comfortable around his family at the 2 month mark, especially when you haven't been formally introduced to them.

 

I wouldn't do it until such time as I was ready to be in that mix.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted

I'm from the UK and completely agree with your perspective miragebunny.

 

It's not going to be comfortable for you at all. Suggest arranging to meet them - maybe go out for dinner or something at least.

If you are to stay in their house under their rules then they should know who you are without it being bumping into each other on the landing on the way to the toilet first thing in the morning or rolling in late from a night out.

 

Sometimes men just don't get this and don't understand respect for parents.

In the long run this is not a good sign unfortunately.

 

How is his general respect for you and others (eg: friends, wait staff, retail employees)?

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

You know it's funny, because I am half east azn, so I understand how different the cultures can be. My cousin was a grown man and it was frowned upon for him to have his fiancé stay the night (at his parent's house, where he lived) until after the wedding day(we were in town, staying at their place). haha. Your bf is westernized so it makes sense. It's no big thing over here.

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted
You know it's funny, because I am half east azn, so I understand how different the cultures can be. My cousin was a grown man and it was frowned upon for him to have his fiancé stay the night (at his parent's house, where he lived) until after the wedding day(we were in town, staying at their place). haha. Your bf is westernized so it makes sense. It's no big thing over here.

 

Really? Without having even met beforehand?

I find that a bit hard to believe.

Most people are not so great with having a total stranger to them staying in their house.

  • Like 1
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
Really? Without having even met beforehand?

I find that a bit hard to believe.

Most people are not so great with having a total stranger to them staying in their house.

 

Yes it's happened several times for me. I live in Midwest, USA. The key here is that the family member bringing them over knows them well and trusts them.. In this case, the bf knows his gf. I have stayed over at friends house with a brief introduction to the parents many times and vice versa . And also guys I dated who lived at home, they'd intro and I'd just wave to their parents, and stay very late. It only made me uncomfortable in that I prefer not to stay at other people's places...

 

I don't know if this is what we're talking about here, but it so, I no idea it was unusual

Edited by Cookiesandough
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

Thats what they make motels for.

act00 Established Member

act00

Posted
Posted

Is there a reason you have to spend the night? Do you live far apart? If you live close enough, personally, renting a room and traveling every weekend sounds really expensive, and I'm totally okay with hanging at home with a movie. I think it might be a nice way to meet the family if you just go over there to hang out for awhile, watch a movie, have some dinner or something, and maybe get a little alone time for kissing and talking (no sex) before you head home. Perhaps if distance is an issue, you can do this, and get a hotel room for yourself for the night, so that you can meet the family and not have the awkwardness of sleeping over. He can do the same with your family. Since you both live with your parents, I suppose in time, sleepovers with the family may be the only option. I don't know what kinds of culture we're looking at as far as how long you stay at home with the parents.

 

My parents were always "separate rooms" kind of people, and this despite knowing we were living with our boyfriends. I didn't find it odd to separate boyfriends (who were only there overnight due to holiday travel) if we were dating, but once living together, I found it strange. I had one boyfriend whose mom put us in the same room. It was so bizarre to me. :) I was okay with it, though. If mom is okay with it, and I'm okay with it, it worked for me. If we didn't have an intimate relationship yet, however, I might have been very uncomfortable with the situation.

 

In any case, maybe it could be just spending an evening with the family and heading home, so that you can get the opportunity to meet and be more comfortable. However, again, if distance is an issue and going home straight after is not an option, I would like to have been dating longer and more serious before spending the night, or if money allows, rent a room before sleeping over.

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