Katii Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I love him... we've been together for 3 years. He has a friend (many years ago his ex-gf). They are very close and beeng friends for 20 years. We live in different countries. He immigrated and she lives in his homecountry. 2 years ago my bf invited her to come for 10 days to visit us. We didn't like each other at all. Even before we met she suggested my bf that I'm not right person for him. It was hell when she visited us. After she left she continued brainwashing him that I'm not right person for him and it actually gave crack to our relationship. She has 2 kids and she's divorced. My bf is godfather of her son. He loves the kids and trying to help this family, financially as well. Last summer we went to his homecountry and it was amazing. I met his family and friends and we liked each other very much. However my bf tried to meet his exgf but she totally ignored him. She was speaking to him over the phone every day before the trip. She was happy and excited. Once He told her that he's coming with me she started ignoring him. He managed to see her one time only - coming with me without invitation for birthday party of her kids. She was playing upset and ignored him all the time. I know if I wasn't there she would talk to him, off course still playing upset so he feels guilty. He explains her behaviour that i treated her bed once we met first time. And his ex GF still upset about it. Half year ago he said he has to go visit them as his godsun (her son) has communion event in church and my bf invited me to go there as well. I was excited to come there again. Though was stressed about meeting his exgirlfriend . As time was coming I became nervous about the trip and meeting her. It's important for me that he makes it clear for her that we are couple and its the most important. And she's just a friend. Because before he let her behave unepropriate, talk bed things about me, she put her underwear on our sofa in living room (when she visited us) even tho she had her own room, she sent him photo of her lying on bed (at least she wasn't naked). She used to ignore him for months for no reason at all and then starting speaking to him again once she needed his help. When he sending to her pics of us together she freaks out and asking not to do so. And he did what she asked. Now he's sending pics of him only. So our trip was close, I arranged my vacation. I was very nurvous and asked him many questions following ugly scandals... He told me not to go with him, that if he go alone it'll minimise stress of all of us. I took it is a betrayal from his side. Once his exgf found out that he's coming alone, she stopped ignoring him again. She send him message that she's happy, she'll meet him at the airport, she'll take vacation to be with him day and night, that now they'll fix their friendship. I saw the message and asked him to explain. He said it's normal for her to say such a things, she's just very happy and doesn't mean anything bed. She's just blabbering. He asked me to trust him and said he's not interested in his exgf as a woman at all. I asked him to answer the exgf that he loves me and don't want her to speak like that. He repeated that its just blabbering and He doesn't want to do it. I became hysterical as I see there's no respect from his side. Even though He doesn't sleep with her by letting her behave like this he's cheating me. He called me unstable, that i put borders on him, that i don't trust him. I love him so much. I know he loves me to just doesn't want to lose old friend, so he lets her behave like this. She tells him often that she doesn't have anybody in her life, she wants to kill herself, that she needs his help and his support. Off course he wants to help her. I'm very honest with him. I never let any of my male friends to step over the line. I don't understand why it's happening to me. Is there a hope? Am I just making a story? I lost ability to see situation clearly.
todreaminblue Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 your boyfriend should not visit her alone......if she is truly his friend she would respect that he is with you now......she is a threat to your relationship while she continues to be upset about you in his life....she sounds like she is actively seekign to destroy your relationship and he should be abel to see that quite clearly....she has overstepped the boundaries of friendship.quite a few times......and your bf needs to see her that way...your relationship needs to be the most important thing to your bf and to you....... if he wishes to continue the friendship there needs to be a talk with all three of you together where its clear who is with who...and respect needs to be given ..you two should be a united front at all times..that includes with friends of any sex..you getting hysterical isnt going to help solve thsi situation..you need to eb rational and calm ...this needs calm resolution..boundaries firmly in place and understood by all........i wish you well......deb 2
Author Katii Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 Thank you, todreaminblue. Such a wise advice. Perhaps I would advice the same to my friends, but somehow can't follow it myself. He doesn't want to put any boundaries, he feels he does his best to me and what is happening between them basically just not my business as long as he doesn't cheat me. Apart of the situation with ex I feel very happy with my man, I feel he's the one for me. I thought about leaving him but afraid it'll be a mistake. There are millions wonderful moments we shared. We just unable to discuss this subject without bad emotions and feelling that we found compromise. He said I pushed him to go without me. Because of my demands and jealousy. I don't want to lose him. I really wish this girl to find a man and focus on HER relationship. Also I can't understand how come he doesn't see her tru nature? Why he doesn't question himself about this friendship?
OatsAndHall Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 That's a tough call, given that they have been friends for decades. It'd be hard for him to just call of their friendship, even if she is being a total witch. But, I think you should join him on the trip as it will establish a boundary with this friend of his. She will see that you two are together and that she can get over it or not. And, maybe being a little uncomfortable would do your boyfriend some good because he needs to call her out on her behavior. On a final note, I would have a serious conversation about her sending any kind of sexually provocative pics or messages to him. That, coupled with her other childish actions, are unacceptable. I hate to say this but I would also pay close attention to your boyfriend's phone and email accounts. There is a chance that your boyfriend may have been unfaithful with this woman over the last three years and that has this woman wound up tight. 2
oldshirt Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 They are obviously more than friends and are still quite involved in each other's lives. Does this "godson" of his look just like him???? 1
oldshirt Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 So now lets get down to the reality and lay it all out there on how it's going to be. This is a long-term, deeply established dynamic between all of them. This is how it is and how it is going to be. It is not going to change. The only question you will need to address is - can you live with this or not? If you are able to suck it up and accept him basically having two families with two different women, then bite your tongue and take care of your own business and let them play out their own family dynamics (the kids may actually be his) If you can not accept having your mate's attention and resources being subdivided with another woman and family, then you are going to have to find another man that is actually single and does not have a relationship and family with another woman. 4
OatsAndHall Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 So now lets get down to the reality and lay it all out there on how it's going to be. This is a long-term, deeply established dynamic between all of them. This is how it is and how it is going to be. It is not going to change. The only question you will need to address is - can you live with this or not? If you are able to suck it up and accept him basically having two families with two different women, then bite your tongue and take care of your own business and let them play out their own family dynamics (the kids may actually be his) If you can not accept having your mate's attention and resources being subdivided with another woman and family, then you are going to have to find another man that is actually single and does not have a relationship and family with another woman. The issue doesn't seem to be his relationship with this other woman; it's her bad attitude towards his current relationship. The OP hasn't stated that she wants him to stop being involved with this his friend. She would just wants to be treated with the respect she deserves. 2
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 They're BFF's, huh? This is called an emotional affair. 4
oldshirt Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 The issue doesn't seem to be his relationship with this other woman; it's her bad attitude towards his current relationship. The OP hasn't stated that she wants him to stop being involved with this his friend. She would just wants to be treated with the respect she deserves. Yeah and I want to win the Powerball and get my own private island in the Caribean with a dozen or so Swedish bikini models. That would rock!! We all want things and she very reasonably wants a man that is fully invested in her and doesn't have his attentions, affections, loyalties and finances being subdivided to other women and other children. But my point is the reality here is that he attentions, affections and finances ARE subdivided to another woman and other children and this is a 20 year, well established dynamic between them. It is not going to change simply because she wants it to. She can't do anything about them. The only thing she has control over is herself. She can either choose to suck it up and accept it and take what she can get. Or she can opt out and find another man that isn't as deeply involved with another woman and children. 2
BluesPower Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 The issue doesn't seem to be his relationship with this other woman; it's her bad attitude towards his current relationship. The OP hasn't stated that she wants him to stop being involved with this his friend. She would just wants to be treated with the respect she deserves. She is not being treated... as she deserves because he is having an open affair with this woman. OP does not even seem to realize it. Why, OP, do you think she does not like you???
oldshirt Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 .....and you can't but wonder if the other woman's son is in fact his child. And if that is the case then it is likely that he will always be involved with them even if she does stomp up and down and make a hissy fit. 3
MajesticUnicorn Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 This is not a healthy situation to be in. Even if he hasn't (as far as you know) physically cheated on you, it sounds to me like he has emotionally. I understand having friends of the opposite sex, and even more so when it's a friendship of 20 years...but talking on the phone everyday, provocative photos, her complete and blatant disrespect for you? It's unacceptable. If I were in your position, I would have a very serious conversation with him about setting boundaries. You don't have to set it up as a "me or her" type of thing and force him to choose...but some definite changes need to be made. I know I have definitely had friends date people that I disliked or disapproved of, but at the end of the day, what mattered to me was my friend's happiness. From what it sounds like, she has no reason to dislike you, except out of her own jealousy. If she were really his "best friend," she would be respect your relationship and be putting forth the effort to get to know you as someone who is very important to her friend. That's why I feel like this girl definitely thinks of your boyfriend as more than a friend.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 IMO if he doesn't respect you as his GF, he never will respect you as his wife. His attitude towards the situation speaks volumes. You can complain all you want, but there is NOTHING that will resolve this. He chooses her over you, calls you unstable, he avoids talking to her about it, doesn't want to lose her, etc. Get out now. His ex is right.....well sort of....he is not the right one for YOU. 2
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 People treat you the way they feel about you. Re-read that and think on it. OP--what are you prepared to do when he: goes there by himself continues to basically tell you that you can't be his mother and tell him who he can be friends with doesn't address his friend's behavior to your satisfaction allows her to continue disrespect you refuses to end their friendship? You need to think long and hard on that because the problem is not her: the problem is your boyfriend and what he allows. All of her bad (not bed--that's something you sleep in or plant flowers in) behavior speaks to the fact that she's got feelings stronger than friendship for your boyfriend and he's either willfully ignoring that or is so obtuse that he can't see it for what it is. The fact that he hasn't gotten her straightened out by now should speak volumes to you--that he loves his friendship with her more than he loves you. You have to have a long overdue conversation with your boyfriend on what his policy is with this chick and how he intends upon handling her from now on. If what he says isn't satisfactory, then it's time to reconsider the wisdom in being with someone who can't seem to respect your esteem. Sometimes love just isn't enough of a good reason to continue with someone who allows you to be treated this way. One can love someone who is bad for them and this guy seems to be that person. He called me unstable, that i put borders on him, that i don't trust him. If that's the case, then why is he with an unstable person who doesn't trust him and tries to corral him? Seems the answer to the problem is to get rid of the distrustful person. He hasn't, so what's in it for him? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 It seems to me that many LS posters want your BF to kick this woman out of his life forever & not look back. Nothing else will satisfy them. I have a slightly different take. While your BF could be clearer & could stick up for you more, his wimpy-ness does not mean they are having an affair. They were BF/GF 20 years ago & it didn't work out. If there was anything there, they would have gotten together long before you came along. I don't think you have anything to worry about in the sense that I don't think he's cheating on you. But he is not standing up for you, which is a different problem. She does sound horrible & clearly she's threatened by you so she's acting out. Your BF did the bare minimum to maintain the boundaries. He brought you to his Godson's communion. (BTW given that relationship, this OW is here to stay). He invited her to stay in your house where he clearly went to sleep with you every night. Yes, your BF could be much better -- he could tell his friend that she has to be nice to you. The fact that you were all set to go with him on this latest trip but now he told you to stay home because it will minimize the drama is a problem. He is picking her over you. If asked he will say it's because you are the one who harps on him about her, while she simply goes away. Your guy can't manage conflict. I think you have to draw some clear lines here. Either you go on the trip with him or the locks will be changed by the time he gets back. 1
preraph Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 He should not be going over there without you. They are not friends. She is clearly very upset that he has a girlfriend. I do not trust him going over there staying mixed up with her, because she didn't even try to act like nothing was wrong, so he KNOWS she wants him back and keeps going back. This is not good. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I think there is more going on than just their long standing friendship, which sounds rocky since they had a past. They're still "attached" in some way you can't quite put your fingers on being that he is the godfather of her child and still very much involved in her life. As to what you should do as his gf? I would maintain certain things - Tell him you trust him and have no qualms about his seeing/talking to this woman. Let him and his relationship with her just be, it has nothing to do with you if nothing other than friendship is going on with it. If something other than that is going on? I don't know what to say other than state that you trust him. If you are proven wrong, then that's what it is.
Ieris Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 We didn't like each other at all. Even before we met she suggested my bf that I'm not right person for him. You don't like her, she doesn't like you and that's fine because you're not dating each other. I would say keep your relationship and their friendship separate and not turn it into some competition. If she didn't like you before she met you then there's a good chance that your boyfriend told her things about you and your relationship which would have given a bad impression. Lots of people moan to their friends about the bad stuff so maybe that's why she came to the conclusion that you're not right for him. He explains her behaviour that i treated her bed once we met first time. And his ex GF still upset about it. Why did you treat her bad? Did you say sorry? Because first impressions count. 1
kendahke Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 He explains her behaviour that i treated her bed once we met first time. And his ex GF still upset about it. Why did you treat her bad? Did you say sorry? Because first impressions count. Oh wow... I missed this part. OP--you took a 2x4 to a hornet's nest and now are complaining that you're getting stung.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 people....the ex says she was treated bad....but is that really true? OP can you fill us in? 1
lolablue17 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I agree with everyone says that he disrespects you, there are too many red flags in his behavior. I want to add an example that might visualize the situation better. I had a girlfriend once, and my mom didn't like her. A mom is much more close than an old friend, right? Well, my mother didn't like her, and she always made small remarks. But once when my mom crossed the line and said inappropriate words about her, in front of my gf, I stood up and told my mom to stop immediately! I asked my mom "don't force me to choose between you and her, because it will be her". It was very important for me to loudly and clearly show my gf that she has my full support. This event calmed everybody down, my mom who started to behave properly, and also calmed my gf's insecurities away. So, you see? It was my mom and i did it. You bf should have done this long time ago to his friend. It's obvious that she constantly tries to sabotage your relationship, and he should have put a clear line. But he isn't. If I were you, i'd take it as a deal breaker. If he choose to reject you, telling you that you're not invited (a horrible thing to do to the one you love), just because he wants to improve his relationship with her, it means that it's over between you two. 1
morrowrd Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 (edited) Your boyfriend for whatever reason, hasn't let go of that ex. I realize alot of people do things differently, (women have the right to male friends, men have the right to female friends, sometimes these might be "ex's) - and even following this ambiguous guideline, your boyfriend has made it clear that he has weak or no boundaries regarding this past relationship. Allowing her to critique, criticize, and advise him on his current relationship with you, is so out of line it's not funny. If you are together, you should never have to feel that you're in competition. I don't think, based on what you wrote, that you're boyfriend's maturity level, is where it should be. Puppy-dogging after some ex girlfriend...when you have a girlfriend, is really pathetic, and embarrassing to you. Not to mention disrespectful. I personally wonder why you're wasting your time here. Edited May 6, 2017 by morrowrd
phineas Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 They're BFF's, huh? This is called an emotional affair. I don't date women with male BFF's. i suggest the same advice for women and men with female BFF's. 2
Author Katii Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 Yes,before I met the girl, I said "why is she coming without husband? Maybe she still loves you and wants you back". I didn't want her to come - he wanted - we had many arguments. Before meeting them at the airport I freaked out and run from the car. Then my BF and ex's daughter were looking for me everywhere. So first impression was bed indeed. Just a few first days it was okeyish, until she put her underwear on our sofa. My BF didn't make a big thing about it, but after this I started to be cold. I didn't offend her, but with all my look I showed I do not want such a behavior. She didn't try to be nice as well. We were going out almost every day, and for everything paid my BF. I didn't like the fact that she's not even trying to pay for her and her kids. I was freaking out even more. All this time, she was behaving, like she's in her own home and I felt as a guest. Until now she always reminds about this vacation to my BF, that WE made her feel unwelcomed tho she always asks when she can visit him again.
Author Katii Posted May 6, 2017 Author Posted May 6, 2017 people....the ex says she was treated bad....but is that really true? OP can you fill us in? Yes,before I met the girl, I said "why is she coming without husband? Maybe she still loves you and wants you back". I didn't want her to come - he wanted - we had many arguments. Before meeting them at the airport I freaked out and run from the car. Then my BF and ex's daughter were looking for me everywhere. So first impression was bed indeed. Just a few first days it was okeyish, until she put her underwear on our sofa. My BF didn't make a big thing about it, but after this I started to be cold. I didn't offend her, but with all my look I showed I do not want such a behavior. She didn't try to be nice as well. We were going out almost every day, and for everything paid my BF. I didn't like the fact that she's not even trying to pay for her and her kids. I was freaking out even more. All this time, she was behaving, like she's in her own home and I felt as a guest. Until now she always reminds about this vacation to my BF, that WE made her feel unwelcomed tho she always asks when she can visit him again.
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