seeing ex around, tell me to stay NC

[virtualgrl]

my ex broke up with me (reason was his depression and substance abuse problems that he felt it was best to fix his life on his own, understandable) but we were still talking all the time, hooking up, we went merry-go-round on a huge cycle of trying to separate but still being in love and wanting to interact all the time.

eventually jealousy was intensifying (esp. on his end) even though i never hooked up with anyone else, but i was texting a lot of people to distance/distract myself from him b.c. i was hurt and missing him.

 

the fight: about a month into this break-up/bff/****buddies, i decide to message a random guy i dont even know.. some cute rapper because im bored and want to take my mind off things (we're allowed to see other ppl) and then i impulsively invite my ex over to have sex because im upset and miss him and just want him (when we're apart i worry he's running into another girls arms) but didnt tell him i texted this other guy. i was ALLOWED to text the other guy but after my ex left my place he logged into my instagram and saw my messages with this guy..that i was messaging him right before my ex came over. he felt completely betrayed and lied to, since i never mentioned the other messages and was telling my ex i thought we should just hook up with each other ((i was a mess.. jealous and missing him but i texted someone else to distance myself to protect myself so i would feel less affected and hurt when seeing him!) it was a messy thing to do, but i didnt think it warrented the HUGE blow up my ex went on me, told me i was toxic, he couldnt fathom that he thought about getting back with me, then proceeded to UNFRIEND me. told me not to talk to him over spring break (college, senior)

 

 

we've been NC for two full weeks. i thought by now he'd maybe see it in a different light- i'd been INCREDIBLY supportive to him through a lot of crap he did and even when he DID have sex with another girl during our break/up.

tonight i saw him at a music show at our school, he walked toward me, looked up at me and GLAREd at me with an intense sad look, i quickly tried to smile. but he was wearing a shirt i got him!

 

so:: do i deserve this cold hurt hate from him, does the glare mean he's still so mad at me, and if so why wear a shirt i got him? i thought by now he'd feel bad and realize it was over the line, and realize i'd been so understanding of every problematic action he's done, and that sure i made a mistake but surely he should see that i was hurt and just trying to do my best.

i was going to reach out to try and have one final talk before he graduates so we could end things cordially, but since the angry stare, i might never contact him.

 

help!

Edited April 21, 2017 by virtualgrl

[Blanco]

He broke up with you. You are not his property. He has no right to be upset.

 

Stop hooking up with him. As you can see, it only helps create the idea that you are still somehow obligated to engage only with him when it comes to anything in the sexual realm.

 

Stop being his place of support. You can't be his friend, because you want more, and so your motives are not genuine. He cannot be your friend, because he expects things from you that came with the relationship.

 

He's got his own things to work through, and so he needs to not worry about what the girl he dumped is doing with other guys.

[virtualgrl]

yeah, it was a mistake to stay close after the break-up.

 

i think he was upset because my inviting him over felt misleading to then learn i was texting someone else right as i invited him over, and for me to tell him i didnt want to hook up with anyone else.

 

but i definitely would not hook-up at this point but I don't think he'd even really speak to me for a long time now because of the fight

[Blanco]

I think that's for the best, even if it's the tougher option to deal with right now. Depression and substance abuse are both major hurdles to clear individually. Together? Oh boy. And those are two conflicts that do NOT play well together.

 

You may care for this guy, but I anticipate some toxic things in his life to come.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay away from him, OP.

 

This became too toxic and it sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. He can sleep with other girls, but you can't talk to another guy? He's a little punk.

 

Forget him, he's not good for you. You can do a heck of a lot better than a dude like this. I would have laughed and sent him on his way for thinking he had any right to be angry after he ended it. This isn't about you, it's about his ego. That's it. If he really wanted to be with you, you two would have been together.

 

What a clown.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to stay with somebody who has a substance abuse problem? Do you really want a front row seat while he slowly kills himself?

 

 

This relationship is already dysfunctional. Stop making your own life worse. Walk away.

[spiderowl]

He has a lot of issues to deal with so it is best if you can keep away. I can see you love him though.

 

I don't know why or how he was able to read your instagram. I am not familiar with intstagram but I thought people would have private passwords. Anyway, regardless, I think if it was me in your shoes I would want to clarify things with him even if I did not see a future with him. I would want him to know that I felt hurt about him and that's why I impulsively reached out to someone else. Then, I wanted my ex and contacted him.

 

I would say the above, by text probably, so as not to get involved in an emotional telephone or in-person conversation, and leave him to it. At least if he knows your thinking he can mull over whether this was a betrayal or not. Like you say, in your current circumstances he has no rights over you and vice-versa. However, on an emotional level he felt this was a betrayal. You would have felt the same if the situation was reversed. Letting him know your feelings would not be a way of getting back with him but simply filling in the gaps that are certainly there in his mind and which have upset him and caused this cold attitude.

 

I am not suggesting you get back with him. It doesn't sound as if he is good for you.

[virtualgrl]

so after waiting two weeks with NC + the mean look in person, he friend requested me

 

so i texted him. because i was like, you cant just do that and not give me any explanation as to what's up..

 

we basically had a chat that was cordial, he wanted to say he was less angry but it was frustrating because he made it clear he was still hurt by me, as if what i did was what severed our friendship, which i guess it truly is. he did apologize for his end but still sorta claimed the victim role.

 

so ya, still hurts to know he thinks i hurt him so bad, but at least the talk was cordial and i did admit + apologize again so maybe it'll soften him up, not that there's a friendship going anywhere.

 

i will go back to NC but nice to know we can end cordially, i guess.... it's like not a real cordial ending but better than before. augh! still unsettling. i guess no break up has an amazing ending.

[virtualgrl]

i know i've posted recently before, but i'm really in the throes of this and would appreciate support in this specific area (this isnt an update post, it's more abt having to see someone and stay nc)

 

been broken up for a month (which is so hard to believe)

and NC for 8 days.

when we talked he said he missed talking but cant be friends right now because it would be too hard.

 

we go to school together and i see him around campus, i have the last two days. it's been torture. luckily school is ending in a week. i'll hear about him having band shows and parties and feel so sad i have to be home while he and friends are having fun, and who knows about girls. i

it's hard sometimes to remain NC especially when he told me if i found a great meme (lol) to send it over, because we used to share them alot.

 

my roommates all have Bf/gf's and i know i shouldn't compare and it's mean but i feel SO jealous and almost spiteful that they get a loving partner and i feel so so alone. tell me it gets easier, tell me you relate to feeling like the ONLY one who is alone, while seeing everyone else be happy in love. i cant believe this is my reality and i am fighting so hard against this truth that the person i loved and loved to be with, is not only completely gone, but for good.