jojo89jo Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. He is not the most romantic, but he does remember dates (anniversary, birthdays, etc). He earns 4 times more than me as I am a student and have a part time job and he has a professional full time job. We see each other quite often as we live in the same neighbourhood. We barely ever go on dates, when we spend time together we are either at each other's houses or at the gym. He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates. May I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something. We had a one year anniversary, and he didn't make an effort at all. He just texted me saying happy anniversary. I have bought him a gift, but he did not buy me anything, nor did he take me out. Fast forward to my birthday. My birthday came up a few weeks ago, and he didn't buy me anything, and didn't plan anything either. Not even a card. What makes it worse, is the fact that a few months in advance he would talk about my birthday, telling me that he is planning something, that he wants to do something with me for my birthday. Which got me excited. The day came and he came to pick me up after my lectures. He said happy birthday and said he is sorry but he hasn't got me anything. He dropped me home and we said goodbye, and I haven't seen him anymore that day. He had a day off work as well, so its not like he was busy. I thought he would at least have flowers and a card waiting in the car, or something at least. I thought because he is picking me up, he might drive me somewhere and surprise me. I don't expect much from him, but I appreciate when a partner is thoughtful, and would much rather prefer a thoughtful gift or date rather than an expensive gift or dinner at a luxurious restaurant. This has made me quite upset as it was a symbolic number birthday. A few weeks have passed and still nothing. A month later he got me a small gift which wasn't related to me at all and something I would not use. I thought this was not thoughtful at all. I said politely that I'm very grateful I asked if we can exchange it for a different gift as I want something I would make use of. He said we could, and after it was returned I suggested a few ideas but he hasn't bothered with it since. May I add that I have had his birthday all planned out and spent a lot of money on gifts, things that were personal to him and things I knew he'd love. So my question is, am I right about getting upset that he is neglecting big anniversaries?
Ssn122401 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Hun, you are not wrong at ALL for being upset. I'd feel the same way if I were you. You should talk to him and tell him how you feel. I jus personally feel like "special dates" are of no significance to him. It's not even that he doesn't buy you anything, but he doesn't buy anyone anything even when he receives gifts?? He should be way more interested in your birthday and anniversary than he is. I'm sorry
Purepony Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 He doesn't care Break up and move on it won't get easier as you go If he doesn't care within the first years abd this is the phase where it's interesting and fun to be spending days like this together whats will you expect in the future? Plus if you bring it up he's going to do it because you're forcing him it's not natural to him he doesn't care 1
BlueIvy Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Dump him. He doesn't care about you like that. Even if a guy isn't romantic, if he likes you he will at least do something for you. This guy did nothing for your birthday or anniversary. And then he gets you a half ass gift. He doesn't even take you out on dates. Are you sure he is your boyfriend? Not trying to be mean but it sounds like he doesn't even care about you. He makes money, he should be taking you out and treating you. He should be proud and showing you off to the world. He is not going to change. Let him go so that you can find a man that wants to spoil you and court you like a proper gentleman.
Sweetfish Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. He is not the most romantic, but he does remember dates (anniversary, birthdays, etc). He earns 4 times more than me as I am a student and have a part time job and he has a professional full time job. We see each other quite often as we live in the same neighbourhood. We barely ever go on dates, when we spend time together we are either at each other's houses or at the gym. He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates. May I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something. We had a one year anniversary, and he didn't make an effort at all. He just texted me saying happy anniversary. I have bought him a gift, but he did not buy me anything, nor did he take me out. Fast forward to my birthday. My birthday came up a few weeks ago, and he didn't buy me anything, and didn't plan anything either. Not even a card. What makes it worse, is the fact that a few months in advance he would talk about my birthday, telling me that he is planning something, that he wants to do something with me for my birthday. Which got me excited. The day came and he came to pick me up after my lectures. He said happy birthday and said he is sorry but he hasn't got me anything. He dropped me home and we said goodbye, and I haven't seen him anymore that day. He had a day off work as well, so its not like he was busy. I thought he would at least have flowers and a card waiting in the car, or something at least. I thought because he is picking me up, he might drive me somewhere and surprise me. I don't expect much from him, but I appreciate when a partner is thoughtful, and would much rather prefer a thoughtful gift or date rather than an expensive gift or dinner at a luxurious restaurant. This has made me quite upset as it was a symbolic number birthday. A few weeks have passed and still nothing. A month later he got me a small gift which wasn't related to me at all and something I would not use. I thought this was not thoughtful at all. I said politely that I'm very grateful I asked if we can exchange it for a different gift as I want something I would make use of. He said we could, and after it was returned I suggested a few ideas but he hasn't bothered with it since. May I add that I have had his birthday all planned out and spent a lot of money on gifts, things that were personal to him and things I knew he'd love. So my question is, am I right about getting upset that he is neglecting big anniversaries? Holy entitled... I understand. I get it. But maybe he is not materialistic and/or festive person as you are and like your friends and family. This is who he is. Take it or leave it.. because he will not change. He finally put in the effort to give you something... You got it and you rejected it. He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring.So this is not enough for you.. If he is loving and caring obviously he loves you right...? Its been a year and a half and now the honeymoon is wearing off... did he change from the moment he met you? Now you are getting angry... Do you think he will get angry if you stop buying him things? Will he stop loving you? Who cares if he earns 4 times more than you? He doesn't buy things for his family nor you so that is WHO HE IS and you either accept it or leave him. Find someone else who will bring you flowers, buy you gifts and celebrate your birthday and anniversaries. It just will not be him. I hope though you are transparent with him and let him know how you feel and your not just holding things him and than unload. 1
CC12 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something. This is kind of bothersome. You could excuse his behavior away by saying he wasn't brought up in an environment where gifts are exchanged, but that's not the case. For someone to be able to accept gifts without wanting to return the favor doesn't seem like a great personality trait. But you need to talk to him about it. I know it would be a lot better if he would just take the initiative himself, but the alternative is to do nothing and be pissed about it on every birthday or holiday. I really hope you called him out for screwing up plans on your birthday. He said he would plan something. That made it so much worse when he didn't. Now in that instance he's not just thoughtless, he's also a liar and a flake. What he did was an ******* move. Don't let him get away with that. Like another poster said, your boyfriend made it seem like he really doesn't care that much about you, but you say he's a good guy otherwise, and I hope you're right about that. Anyway, you have to tell him what you want. Be explicit. Tell him, "I need cards or flowers or special plans." And while you're at it, teach him how to do this stuff. Like, help him buy gifts for his family on their birthdays or Christmas. Tell him that he can get clues of what people want by paying attention to what they like or what's going on in their life. You shouldn't need to do that, but eventually, it's going to start looking bad on both of you if you guys don't do gifts. Tell him that this is the kind of thing he needs to do for you, as well. By the way, when he did give you a gift one month after your birthday, you shouldn't have returned it. I get why you did it. Because you were still mad about your birthday and you were trying to send the message that he needs to do better. But returning a gift isn't nice. One of your major problems with him is gift-giving. He tried. Try to graciously accept any gift he gives you, even if it sucks.
Spice Girl Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates. May I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something. How does he show you love and respect? For some showing they care can be providing an act of service (something practical, usually), being a shoulder to cry on, etc. That said, when you truly want to make someone happy, you will try and respond to what makes them tick as opposed to doing what you think makes them tick, so it may be a case of you needing to educate him on what makes you feel appreciated (ie presents, flowers, etc) because he's not a mind reader. Some people are just bad at reading cues, they need to be told plainly what is wanted of them. I had that problem the other way round with an ex - I'm not keen on presents and flowers, and used to feel smothered and constantly like I owed him something; we had a talk over it, which made me understand that was his way of showing he cared. We still broke up (too many incompatibilities) but that's not because neither of us cared. If things are good in all aspects of your RL other than that, it might be worth talking about it. 1
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Does he know you give importance to gifts? Or you expect him to guess this is something important to you without telling him just cause he should know? My bf is not into gifts either and he told me at the beginning of our relationship. I told him I don't much care for gifts at xmas and V day but if he does not offer me a present at my birthday I will be extremely hurt. That's called communication. At my birthday he offered me a very nice gift with a thoughful card. So again, does your bf know how this is important to you?
mikeylo Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 This is kind of bothersome. You could excuse his behavior away by saying he wasn't brought up in an environment where gifts are exchanged, but that's not the case. For someone to be able to accept gifts without wanting to return the favor doesn't seem like a great personality trait. Maybe he has gone used to just receiving and not returning.
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