julianna24 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Hi there, My boyfriend (26) and I (26) had been dating for almost a year and a half. For the most part, everything was really great... until we finally moved into together then life threw a bunch of hurdles our way and something changed. The biggest of these was a third roommate. We were originally going to move in with another couple that were friends of my bf. They split up, and the guy stayed, and it was like he was trying to put a wedge between my bf and I. For example, he had to have my bf's constant attention, or constantly tell him behind my back that I was crazy or stupid. I finally pulled my bf aside to tell him what was bothering me, and said I should call the friend out on it directly because that's how the guy apparently responds best. As anything and everything I did the guy would try to twist into a negative (including calling him out, I'd assume), I instead concentrated more on making myself more positive and easygoing, to hoped eventually my bf would see what was really going on. Other stresses going on during this time was that I got promoted and started working from home. I am also taking classes, and had to dedicate some time to that as well. I definitely was a stress-case in the beginning, trying to make everything work: "prove" to my boss that I the promotion was a good choice, work efficiently from home without getting in the way of the guys' time off, and do well in school. As such, I ended up spending less time with my bf than normal, and we definitely had a few fights about that. I realize now I overextended myself, and am working on how I handle stress and anxiety, at least just for my own benefit. Toward the end of the 30 days (my bf works 30 days at a time, then is home for 30 days), my bf and I talked... apparently the roommate was made aware what was going to happen, and for the first time ever, eagerly gave us some space. My bf said that he loved me, but didn't love me as much anymore, and didn't know why. He had just got back from a big group dinner, where he ran into his ex (first love and only other serious relationship), who had broken up with him ~3-4 years ago. He said that when he saw her, it made him think that the spark we once had was missing between us, and he doesn't know why. He said he realized that sometimes he looks for things in me that aren't me (but qualities that his ex had), and it's not fair, and he needs to figure out what he wants. I felt heartbroken, but told him I agree that some things need to change, and am willing to do whatever it takes. From my experience (a previous 3 year relationship), overtime the "spark" sometimes fades a little, then comes back again, and repeats. Love, respect, and trust, however, are always there... and I feel like the love, respect, and trust I have with my BF is worth fighting for. I feel like all the stresses right now brought a quick end to the "honeymoon phase," while my bf believes that it should mostly always be a "honeymoon phase," and doesn't know if he wants to fix things. In the end, we agreed that we needed to take a break, him to figure out what he wants, and I need to change my current work/living situation, because it isn't making me happy. Since then he's been gone for almost 2 weeks. During that time, I've been trying to make a lot of positive changes in myself---working out more, seeing a therapist for my anxiety issues, spending time with friends and family, and moving forward on a career path that is a better fit. I decided to do no contact with him, aside from the practical stuff, or if he reaches out to me. He called me once, and he said he felt more confused than ever, and someways he thinks a break is the absolute right decision, but other days he feels like he's making the biggest mistake of his life (it didn't help that his family and friends (minus the roommate) told him that they thought he was making a mistake too). I told him that I appreciate that he's been honest with me, and think that if there ever was a chance we would try and work things out it's important all the cards are out on the table. I tried to keep it positive, make some jokes, and talked a few things going on in my life/his life right now that are exciting. After that, he's texted me a few times, all about practical stuff regarding my move out. His texts are super friendly though, and I'm not sure if it's because he's changing his mind, or if is just trying to keep things amicable. Because of this, part of me holds about our rekindling our relationship when the time was right, even though I agree that this break is necessary. I also need to figure out for myself if what he said about his ex gf is something I am able to potentially overcome, since right now all I feel is hurt, inadequate, and insecure in regards to that. Yesterday I was feeling strong and positive enough to go through our things, and start packing mine. It was hard though, and I underestimated how many memories even the insignificant stuff held. My bf reached out to me that evening, and asked when I planned to move out so he could renegotiate the lease. I said I wasn't sure if it would be better to move out the day he gets back, so we can take care of the rest of the practical stuff, or if I should move out before. He said I should do whatever I would prefer, and let him know if there's anything I need. While his tone was still friendly, it was flirty-friendly like before. Just going through all our stuff/memories was really hard, but when I got his more serious text, it felt like my heart was breaking all over again. Maybe I am over analyzing it, but now I can't stop thinking about it. In our phone conversation before, he told me that he didn't expect me to wait, and I should be doing what makes me happy... I still love him though, and can't help but wait, in a way. To see him potentially more "over it" than I am hit me like a ton of bricks. Has anyone been in a similar situation, where they took a break and came back? Should I hold off any hope, or shut my heart off to him completely? Any insight is appreciated!
Knix Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Well first of all, I don't think it was your job to talk to his friend. If his friend was being disrespectful to you, your boyfriend should have stood up for you and said something to him. After all, it's his friend. Secondly, yes the honeymoon phase is just that, a phase. Your boyfriend should be well aware of that if he's had past relationships. You mention that he has respect for you but honestly from what you wrote I don't see it. Moving in can be hard and a make it or break it test in the relationship. But with that said he should be more willing to work on things rather than just giving up and contacting you about his confusion. What is all of this doing for YOU? It seems like it's all about what he wants, where are your needs being met? He needs to have more respect for you and you need to set some boundaries. No contact doesn't just mean YOU leave him alone, he needs to give you space too!! You have some stuff to think about, it doesn't sound like he's a great guy... 1
AT15 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I think you're in a very vulnerable position right now, and as hard as it maybe, no contact is best. The confused stuff is nonsense. He will keep you on hope, or even worse sleep with you a few times even tho he is seeing other women. I don't want to see what happened to me, happen to you. Dumpers can be akin to take advantage of the weakness of the Dumpee, not saying he will. But, please be aware off this. 1. Cut contact. Tell him YOU needs space. 2. Take the time to grieve. It won't all happen at once. You'll bounce back and forth from grieving to hope to sadness then back again. 3. Lean on your therapist to help you process the break up. Right now you're taking responsibility for the end. I'm sure when you get more clear, those thoughts will change. And 4. Did he really mention his ex gf? That's low. It's very upsetting. It's a sign of narcissism, triangulation. i hope you get the clarity that you need.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 I don't like the sounds of this - him asking you when you're moving out sounds like it's already over. Also, I would take it as a bad sign that just seeing his ex was enough to jar him like this. Perhaps he'd been having doubts prior to this and seeing her and remembering how he felt in a different relationship was the straw that broke the camel's back. I think you would be better to let him go. Someone who's this confused by an ex from 3-4 years ago is not into you enough to maintain a serious relationship with you.
PegNosePete Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 Let me get this straight... He is away for 30 days.He bumps into his ex.He is suddenly "confused" and you go "on a break". I would bet my bottom dollar that you aren't getting the whole story here. Not even half of it. And then the final nail in the coffin... He only made contact once in 2 weeks, and that was to confirm that he is still "confused". Sorry but this relationship is well and truly over. 1
Recommended Posts