JohnWick Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 So we have been dating for 4 years now and are currently renting together.. Our relationship has more arguments than the usual couple and it's over the smallest things sometimes, I just find it stupid.. But to her it's a big deal. However, now we've hit a barrier in our relationship which has us arguing about these 2 topics often.. TOPIC 1: Let me start of by saying this. I have a very high sex drive, I would like to have sex at least 3-5 times per week to be satisfied. Basically, it all started with me admitting to her that I watch porn and fantasizing about other girls, although I had 0 intentions of ever cheating. I guess this was due to the lack of sex.. after about the 2 year mark she started getting too comfortable, sex became foreign to us.. We were having sex once a week and sometimes stretches up to 2-3 weeks.. This has turned into a vicious circle, she finds out I watch porn or had any sexual stimulation and then she won't have sex. When we can she is "too tired", "too busy", "big day today" the list goes on. I have also looked at other girls on social media, maybe the lack of sex made me fantasize about other girls sadly.. I don't even get satisfaction from it. But, I have been caught via my "search history" which did no end well.. She says that I am not loyal and for that reason she will never trust me again. In my heart I could never cheat on her. But she acts as if I have cheated on her. TOPIC 2: My girlfriend hates my parents and this one probably bothers me the most, as I can't fix it.. Long story short she always feels integrated and apparently gets asked inappropriate questions by my parents. My girlfriend feels like she is being attacked. My parents are old school and can't speak the language the best so sometimes it comes out wrong. What is sad is I know my mum likes and respects her.. yet she hates my mum. Around the 3.5 year mark, she had said she no longer wants to speak or hear about my parents ever again in her life. She does not want to associate with them or attend any event. She called my parents "evil people" and other names i can't recall in a fit of anger/cry through multiple occasions. All I ask of her is to attend maybe a few events per year.. nothing else. But she stated, "I would rather not be with you then to face your parents again in my life".. she goes to the extremes of "I feel like I would rather kill myself" My parents need to fit in a convent time slot when she is not home for them to come visit me which annoys me.. But she has no problem with me visiting my parents and says she does not want to ruin my relationship with them. I asked about the future, when we had kids.. or got married. She said "Well, I don't want to ever see them, so you can go with the child to meet your parents." She even stated "I don't even want them at my wedding day, If they do come, I don't want them to interact with me." This really cut me deep.. So here I am venting and seeking advice.. There are day when I look at her and think.. Wow she is so beautiful and I love her and I can't live without her. Then other days where I feel like I can't live like this.. I don't know what to do.. I am getting torn apart constantly thinking about it. 1
Telemachus Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 You and she are perfectly fine people, just not for each other. You have an unhealthy relationship; it isn't getting better; and one of you needs to find another place to live. If your rental housing is too expensive for either of you alone, you need to find out what it will cost to terminate the lease, and both of you should plan to move. You tried, spent four years together, and can't work out your problems together in a polite and loving way. Either split up and end it, or try relationship counseling. However, don't waste money on a weekly counseling session unless both of you believe and can convincingly say out loud that the relationship is worth saving. A good couples' counselor will help you determine whether it can be saved, but there's no point unless both of you want to make it work. For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with either you or her - you just have poor conflict resolution skills - it's a communication problem that you both have, but that doesn't mean that the relationship can or should be salvaged. If you split, you'll end all conflict between you. You can indulge your interest in porn to your heart's content, and she'll never have to see or hear about your parents ever again. That's what you gain. You have to decide whether what you'd be giving up (mutual affection and sharing living expenses) is worth it. 1
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 You call this small things?? You are incompatible of 2 major aspects of all relationships, sex and family. What you see is what you get. She will never satisfy you sexually and she will never like your parents. What she is asking of you concerning your parents is juvenile and heartless. You are incompatible. You need to split and find a partner better suited to you. 4
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 End it. Compatibility is key, and when things like sex (which IS a big deal) is not compatible, the realtionship will start to fray at the edges, which it's starting to do now. As for her hating your parents, this is a dealbreaker, if you are planning marriage and children. When you take your vows, you are also marrying into a family, and being a part of their lives. There is no fixing this. Your GF has nothing to offer you. 2
Ieris Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 What is sad is I know my mum likes and respects her.. yet she hates my mum. This is a good enough reason to dump her... with all the things she says about them, she sounds like a nasty piece of work. You only have one mum and dad, whereas girlfriends are replaceable. 1
Author JohnWick Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 Thank you for the replies. I have read each person response and I do agree. But I feel it's almost impossible to break it off. I have shared so many memories with her and she is the first person who knows almost everything about me and accept me for who I am. I just don't have the courage to do it. But I feel if I continue it could only get worse. I always hold onto this thought of "what if it does work out as time goes on".. I am always too optimistic.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Thank you for the replies. I have read each person response and I do agree. But I feel it's almost impossible to break it off. I have shared so many memories with her and she is the first person who knows almost everything about me and accept me for who I am. I just don't have the courage to do it. But I feel if I continue it could only get worse. I always hold onto this thought of "what if it does work out as time goes on".. I am always too optimistic. John: It's normal to be sad at the end of a relationship even the bad ones, it's human. You will be just fine, she will be just fine. Relationship ends after 4 years, 20 years and 30 years and people survive and move on to a better life. You don't remain in a relationship in fear to hurt the other person. You both need to seek a partner that's better suited. 1
elaine567 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I have shared so many memories with her and she is the first person who knows almost everything about me and accept me for who I am. But she doesn't accept you for who you are, she thinks you are a porn-addicted, cheater who she will never trust ever again. Whether you think what you are doing is cheating or not is immaterial as SHE thinks it is cheating, and she would not be alone in that either. Few women really want their long term partner spending his time lusting after other women on social media, it can be a total turn off. He is supposed to be HER man, he is supposed to lust after HER. The fact he is looking about for other females is not in the script, she thus withdraws and shuts him down, which is what has happened here. YOU also have some "horrible" parents who she hates and wants nothing to do with, so playing happy extended families is off limits. I guess unless your parents have really "done her wrong", she is using this to punish you. That is a huge deal too. YOU cannot fix this. It may be four years, but you don't want to be coming back here in 6 years, 10 years, 20 years... as nothing really has changed. 1
OatsAndHall Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 In my opinion, you two have serious communication issues.. The lack of sex is something that needed to be addressed before you turned to porn and fantasizing about other women. The situation became much more complicated when it wasn't resolved on some level before this. I don't know if/how you broached the subject with her but the end result wasn't good. It either wasn't a problem that she was willing to resolve or it turned into a fight which made things worse. The family issue is very serious, whether you're talking about marriage or not. Her stating that she wants them cut out of her life isn't acceptable, on any level. This is a deal-breaker in a relationship if she can't be an adult and move past it. I detested my ex-wife's brothers as they were slovenly drunks. I told her I wasn't comfortable around them because of their drinking but I still attended family events, put my best foot forward and smiled and nodded when they were being a--es. There were several fights between her and I when it was clear that they were p-ssing me off at family functions. But I was never rude to them and I never tried to cut them out of our lives. On this site, I always suggest trying to work through issues before calling it off as I won't tell someone to end a relationship after reading a few paragraphs unless there is abuse going on). However, it will be time to cut ties if you two cannot work these things out somehow. You have described two problems that will end a relationship for you if they're not addressed.
act00 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 One thing has me wondering -- are your parents only pleasant to her in your presence? Could it be when you're not around or you're not looking, she gets nasty comments, dirty looks and glares, insults, etc.? Honest question because I have heard stories like this on more than one occasion, and the boyfriend/husband doesn't believe it because he has never witnessed it. The wife/girlfriend starts refusing to spend time with them as a result, all the while not wanting to force him to cut ties, so she figures out a "happy medium." You say she feels "integrated," and I'm not sure what that's supposed to be (typo), interrogated? It seems like a really big over-reaction to old school thoughts and a language barrier, so I just wonder if there's more going on there. It could be pure selfishness that she really doesn't want to have to deal with your family, only hers. Trust me, if you have children, she will not allow the children around them either. Let's just say in the worst case scenario described above, she will not want her children around people who will poison her children against her, and they will. They will also go against her direct wishes, like foods to eat, movies, TV, books, religion, naps, bed time, and whatever she does not want the children exposed to or what rules she needs/wants enforced. That's worst case scenario. I'm not trying to imply they are mean to her. Even in a case where they are not mean to her and it's just a difference in personality and language barrier, there is a very real chance she will not allow them to see her child. You two are not compatible. The family issue is huge. If you want to maintain a relationship with them, you need to have someone who gets along with them. What will you do at holidays? What kind of resentment will occur when you don't spend the holidays with her because you want to see your parents? Of course, she'll be fine if you dump them for her family. I'm not saying your parents are mean to her, but there are clearly issues there. At some point she will be saying, "It's me (and the children) or them." When it's just her, you can walk away. When the babies come along, not so easy. The sex issue could possibly be worked around, but looking and lusting after other women is not going to help things, and clearly there are bigger issues causing the breakdown in intimacy, and maybe part of it is you've just grown apart. It's normal for "marriages" to have a little less frequency, but you've hit some real dry spells, and it won't be an easy fix. A drop in trust kills the mood. I do think, for as hard as it is, time to cut your losses. You gave it a good try.
preraph Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I feel there is missing information about what your parents have said to her that is inappropriate. Is your dad hitting on her? Are either of them asking her too personal questions? Something is up there for her to not want to talk to them. I mean the only parent I was like this about was a father who tried to french kiss me at a wedding. They're your parents and your first loyalty should be to your woman if yo are going to marry her, so it's up to you to make whatever is going on with them stop and stand up to them. Until then, all she can do is refuse to see them. You surely don't expect her to put up with being asked inappropriate questions, do you? Otherwise, yeah, lots of women take porn personally. If you want to fix that, stop looking at it and masturbate without it. She feels she's just another video to you. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 First of all, you are sexually incompatible. You're not getting your needs met and she likely feels rejected when you turn to porn and fantasizing about other women on social media to address your needs. Many women would feel the same way in her shoes. It would be a turn off. A woman wants to feel that she "does it" for her guy; that she turns him on. I don't know if there is anything that can be done to solve this issue or not. So sad she feels so strongly about never wanting to be around your parents. How is that ever going to bring any measure of peace or harmony in your lives?
joseb Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 But I feel it's almost impossible to break it off. I have shared so many memories with her and she is the first person who knows almost everything about me and accept me for who I am. I just don't have the courage to do it. . This is called the sunk cost fallacy. Would you rather wait another 5 or 10 years. At which point it might be too late to meet someone who is suitable for you?
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