fastj Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 So I come from a background where in-house fighting was a daily occurrence. Over time, my family and I have gotten therapy, moved out, etc. and very very rarely have arguments. However, naturally, it is still very difficult for me to stop myself from fighting (verbal, not physical) when someone starts metaphorically throwing punches and I get carried away before I even realize what's happening (cue horrible shame spiral). My boyfriend is going through some ****, a lot of ****. He also comes from a similar household, however they never worked through their problems (literally witnessed him screaming at his mother last week). Now, I hold none of this against him, but it's creating problems in our relationship. Literally in the span of 3 seconds, he went from saying "you're giving up on me by not continuing this conversation" to "I'm going to bed I have work in the morning" and switched back and forth between these two views the entire conversation, it just depended on what I said to him. His favorite thing to say to me the past few weeks is "you don't love me" "you just don't know that you dont love me" "I can tell you dont love me anymore" and "you're gonna leave me". I know these are things that he struggles with internally (trusting that ppl love him) but it rly pisses me off. If u couldn't tell already, he is baiting me to fight a lot. And it is Very hard for me to resist it every single time. When I do end up fighting and realizing it too late, he holds it against me and lists it as another reason to not trust me with his feelings, etc. I am not trying to blame everything on him, but his behavior is rly pissing me off. I honestly don't know where I am going with this post, but I just needed to vent because I am ****ing frustrated and when I talk to other people (other than my therapist) abt our issues he throws a **** fit. I am trying my hardest with what little resources I have to support him, but all he seems to want to do is push me away and it's frustrating. And then he gets mad at me for "not supporting him" when he won't let me support him in the first place? Idk I'm sure someone will get mad at me and tell me I'm a useless abusive gf but it's nothing I havent heard from him so go ahead and yell at me. I'm frustrated. Help me.
basil67 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Fastj, nobody here is going to tell you that you're useless or abusive. And we certainly won't yell at you. At worst, you will get very firm opinions about how toxic your boyfriend's behaviour is and that you should not be tolerating it. Look at how far you've come in your personal growth! Great work by you and all your family. Unfortunately, the bit that you haven't yet come to grips with is that someone with behaviours like your boyfriend should be avoided at all costs. I'm sure you love him and you have good times with him when all is well, but the way he treats you when things are bad is so wrong. I understand he's going through some tough times at present, but you need to get out of there if his behaviour is abusive. Frankly, it's time for an ultimatum from you - but only if you're prepared to walk away if he doesn't make some serious changes. The ultimatum should be along the lines of "I love you and I care about you. I want to support you through your problems. But I will not accept your temper. I cannot stay with you unless you seek therapy" If he does not seek therapy, you MUST leave him. Otherwise, you'll repeat the cycle of having kids grow up in an abusive household. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 My favorite technique for avoiding a fight in emotionally charged situations is to whisper. Say whatever you need to (within reason) but whisper. When he yells that you don't love him, you whisper Of Course I love you that's why I'm hear trying to help you. What do you want me to do? When he keeps yelling, keep asking in a whisper for concrete things that could help. One of the things he seems to want is conversation. Why aren't you listening? Also do some nice things for him even when he's not being nice. Have dinner ready. Write him notes. Send him flirty texts. What can you do to fix his problem or take something off his plate? 1
bluefeather Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 That's emotional abuse. Stop taking it. If you continue to stay in the relationship while nothing changes, or things get worse, you will become his enabler. For the sake of your and even his well-being, he has to make a serious change in his brain (imagine how much effort that will take - you should know as you went through therapy), or you have to make a serious change in the relationship and show him that that kind of behavior cannot be accepted by you. And I don't mean arguing back. I mean walking away and out of his life. But do not do it out of spite - do it out of love for yourself. 1
GemmaUK Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 One time I went through an abusive relationship - in the main it was emotional abuse. I didn't get counselling, I read up on it a lot. It's very clear from your history but what you are seeing here is that you have learned from your therapy (as I did from my reading). He hasn't had the counselling and is unlikely to read up on it. Unfortunately you are now experiencing emotional abuse from him. If I were you I would get out of this relationship - you know yourself it will only get worse over time. I liked your post - simply because it really does mean I absorbed all that I read - you have had the counselling - I didn't, not for just one 7 month dating relationship - so thanks for that. I appreciate it. What you posted is clear logic, rational etc. Do not doubt yourself. Also, though, a lifetime of battling with him and reassurance - do you really want that and love him enough to deal with it every single day? 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Get out now! Every time you try to convince him that you love him, all you are doing is enabling his abusive nature which is brought on insecurities he has developed from childhood. He needs therapy, and to not be in a relationship so he can focus on getting his head straight. His problems are not yours to fix. This is on him and his family to deal with. You can't fix this, and like what most have said, you are better to get out of this before you get lost in the abuse and can't get out. Trust me I have been there....my solution was to walk away from it.
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