chumly Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 is it at all possible to meet someone from a dating site in a normal way after having had phone sex with them several times ?? or will they automatically expect sex after such a thing? Would it help if I brought a friend along? I am a female and the person I had phone sex several times with is a male. I want to meet him in real life but I dont want to have sex right away, he has 2 different girlfriends and believes in open relationships..maybe in the future I would be willing to have sex with him but not right away. I know that would be dangerous to do such a thing with someone I dont know but I was attracted to the phone sex part because I have not had sex in years and I am very attracted to what I know of him so far. so my question is, is it too late for me to meet him without him expecting sex right off the bat? Interested in hearing all thoughts on this but in particular a male perspective so please let me know if you are a male. thanks Thanks PS..please dont judge me,, i know it is crazy to have phone sex with a stranger but I was really attracted to him and lonely and we talked on the phone for a while before the phone sex started.
GemmaUK Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Given the fact that h has two girlfriends, is in an open relationship and you have had phone sex several times I would think it's pretty unlikely. Why don't you ask him? Are you interested in an open relationship? 6
avvril3000 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 i think you should full on expect him to expect to have sex upon meeting unless you clearly state that you do not. however, i want you to be careful because some guys still take a no for a yes. if you decide to meet him, meet him in a public place where sex or forced sex cant happen. i'm not saying that he would do that. but in general, men over exaggerate women's intentions and get confused and it can get messy, esp when initially you were so open to phone sex with a stranger,and then knowing that he is with 2 other people.... be careful 2
CptInsano Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I would also be very careful, because the sex is somewhat implied, meaning that I would also only meet the person if I knew them well. His expectations of sex would be plausible at this stage. Also this particular situation makes me wonder, meaning that he is well taken care of in an open relationship, and you are feeling lonely. This combination sounds very out of balance to me. I mean, I have also met women women I had phone sex with, but there also was a clear romantic interest from both sides well beyond the sex. So, Gemma and Avvril said, I would really consider if you would want to be part of an open relationship. 3
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I am a woman and if I had had phone sex with a guy and he was pressing to meet up of course I would assume "real" sex was on the menu in the same way as if we had heavily made out the night before. Relationships tend to progress, the steps are taken in order from just chatting to full blown sex and if you go as far as phone sex then you can't just retract it all and go back to smiling demurely and holding hands. It doesn't work like that. Be careful of the "open" relationship, it is often totally untrue and is often used by married/attached guys to get women into bed. "We are in an open arrangement, my wife/gf doesn't care who I sleep with, but of course she cannot ever find out about you..." Hmmm??? 2
mikeylo Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 His reason to meet you is sex. Your reason is to meet. He has been upfront with everything and isn't hiding anything.Be wise. 4
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I doubt it but if you are going to try this ill-conceived idea take the following precautions: 1. Tell him up front that you don't want to have sex when you meet. He may prefer to not bother to meet you. 2. Go some place not sexy & very public for the first meet. Set it during a non sexy time like lunch. Literally I'm thinking a well lit McDonalds. 3. NO ALCOHOL! Yes I'm shouting that one. The last thing you need are lowered inhibitions. 4. Don't shave for a few days before you meet him. Seriously, If you are gross & hairy you won't feel sexy & you'll be loath to let him near you like this. 5. Wear ugly underwear that you'd be embarrassed to be seen in. Again we want your brain not on sex & more on . . . . OMG I can't let him see me like this; it will be such a turn off. 6. Schedule a second meeting / appointment that you can't get out of immediately after this meet so you have to leave & can't give in. 4
OatsAndHall Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Yes, chances he he will be expecting sex. Your best bet for heading this off is just to tell you're not going to sleep with him before the date. Let him know that the phone sex was fun but that you jumped the gun a bit and you're not going to be sleeping with him. Chances are, he'll either respect that and you'll have a decent date or he'll ghost you. 2
Author chumly Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 thanks everyone for the thoughts on this. I appreciate all the helpful and non judgemental advice..thanks again:) d0nnivain...I really like your advice..some of it actually made me laugh a bit too ..so thanks again:) I really like #6 and was thinking of that myself as well...but I am trying to wrack my brain to think of what excuse I can use. thanks so much! In addition to all this, I am also thinking of bringing someone along with me. Believe it or not, I was thinking of using the service rentafriend because he lives a bit far from me and I dont know anybody that is in the area that he lives in that would meet him with me. Of course I wont tell him it is a rentafriend. I actually already started mentioning brining someone else to him already , just to kind of get a feel for how he would respond to it and he seemed fine with the idea..I told him it is a friend I have been chatting with online and will be meeting for the first time and would like to meet him as well..so it would be 3 of us all meeting for the first time...who knows, it may be a fun time! . I would think this will help matter too. I even made it sound like she is single and might be interested in him too. the reason for that was to try to devert the attention away from him and me. since he is into open relationships and has 2 girlfriends already I am risking absolutely nothing by bringing someone else along..I have got nothing to lose if they wind up hooking up anyway. ..it is not as if I really have any kind of hope for a real relationship with him. He may be a bit of a male slut but he is one of the most honest people I have ever known at the same time. To be honest..i think I want to meet him to satisify my curiosity at this point and to say I finally met someone since I have been too afraid to meet so many others. He is the least risky for me to meet because there is absolutely no risk of rejection from him. We already dont talk or message very often..it is a very casual online friendship so far. I also want to meet him because he was in a semi popular rock band so I think there is a curiosity about that aspect of him too. so anyway, thanks everyone for the very helpful advice. I really appreciate it all!
BaileyB Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 So, you want only to meet this man or maybe develop a friendship... But, you've told him that you are going to bring another single woman to the meeting... Which means, he's going to think that it may become a possible threesome? I mean, that's the most logical conclusion a man who is in an open relationship would think when he's arranging a meeting with a woman he's met online and had phone sex with... Chumly dear, this is not the wisest thing to do. It is very risky - what happens if he gets upset when he realizes that what he thought was going to happen, isn't at all what it appears? You don't know this man, you don't know what he's expecting, and you don't know how he will react if things don't work out. Be careful. 7
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Communication is a very important component when it comes to open relationships. Just tell him your expectations, and I'm sure everything will work out just fine. 1
NuevoYorko Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Why do you want to meet him? Is your goal to be in an open relationship with this person? 1
Jj66 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Of course he will expect sex very soon. You have already crossed that line virtually.
JuneL Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Bring a friend doesn't sound like the best idea. Who knows, maybe you are really attracted to him when you see him in person and want to... 1
Miss Spider Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 The whole reason he's meeting is because sex. He's not looking for a friend or to go slowly lol. So someone's gonna be real disappointed here. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Chumly if you are so scared of meeting this man that you are thinking about paying a companion (rent a friend) don't go. Besides if you pay a stranger to come with you, you then have 2 strangers vs you which seems like a more dangerous situation. Do plan with an actual friend to call you in the middle of the meet so you can say it's going OK or fake an emergency as a precaution. Bringing another person is a very juvenile immature move. Don't do it. It will make you look like a high school girl, not an adult woman. 6
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 You say he has been really honest. So, OK, you were feeling lonely etc and that is why you chose to engage in phone sex. You want to meet this guy but in all honesty it has never appeared to me that you would be looking for an open relationship. You also didn't answer when I asked if that is what you are looking for so I get a hunch it just isn't and that this guy's openness has drawn you. OK, except, if you are now at the point of meeting you are concerned and want to invite a rent a friend - well - he is going to think it's sex x 2! He has been open and very honest - a good thing - but I also see here that you are not being open and honest with him in return. Open relationship or not he actually sounds pretty straight up. You should talk to him, tell him why you engaged in phone sex ad why and what the friend coming along is all about. Ya know - I think he will understand. Ultimately though I really doubt you want this type of RS but also I think you should take some responsibility, be open and honest with him like he has been with you. I'm not an open RS kind of person, however I do know that it requires respect, honesty and considerateness (if that is even a word) from all parties - and he likely has that and would have for you too, Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself too. 3
Author chumly Posted May 5, 2017 Author Posted May 5, 2017 thanks everyone for the responses! i know GemmaUK and others asked if i wanted an open relationship..sorry, i did not answer..I guess because I kind of go back and forth about it in my mind. In some ways I am really very attracted to him so in certain ways I consider it but then there are other things that concern me and make me think otherwise..such as the danger of having sex with someone I dont really know (i have never done that), my lack of experience in that dept, it will probably turn him off if we get intimate (which is probably making me so attracted to him..he is like the polar opposite of myself) and then the disease factor (condoms can only protect so much..there are diseases that can still be caught regardless of wearing a condom), although he does get tested regularly and seems to practice safe sex from everything he describes. so the answer to the question is yes and no. in some ways i am interested because I am so attracted to him and have never had good sex and I get the feeling with him it might be really good but then in other ways I am not interested in the whole thing too..it almost repulses me at the same time that it attracts me if that makes any sense. I also wonder if I will ever find someone I am attracted to like that again..i am getting older now and the pool of single men is getting slimmer and slimmer. ..so all this is going on in my head. He already said he is okay with my bringing a friend along. I know I should probably just forget about him but I think I will always be curious to meet him in a way. We have communicated for so long and he is kind of an interesting person apart from the sex stuff. He is a hippie and lives an interesting alternative lifestyle that I kind of find fascinating in alot of ways. Maybe I should just communicate all this to him as others have said. I guess he has been honest enough with me already so I should do the same..like others have said. Thanks so much everyone for the help and thoughts on this. I will keep this post updated. 1
preraph Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 If he had phone sex with you before meeting, sex is all he is wanting, and now he thinks you're the type of woman to hook up with him on the first date. You shouldn't even go on the date with him. Stop doing that! 2
Dis Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 If you want to put yourself in a dangerous situation...thats one thing But to hire a, rent a friend and to bring this unknowing woman into this possibly treacherous situation isnt smart nor is it kind Go find what you're really looking for chumly...because I dont think this is it 1
BaileyB Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 Chumly, how can you say that you are attracted to this man such that you are considering having sex with him - you haven't even met him! This is not wise... 2
Miss Spider Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I don't understand this rentafriend stuff. I'm trying to understand... do these people know what they're getting themselves into? I assume you have a discussion about what's happening. You told him she's single and might be interested in him..do you know that's she's even single?? I can think of so many bad endings to this, obvious danger aside. Why can't you guys meet in a public place especially with the...prescedent..that has been set. Oh yea and the whole you don't know how safe the free love this dude has been partaking in has been that you mentioned 1
Dis Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 I don't understand this rentafriend stuff. I'm trying to understand... do these people know what they're getting themselves into? I assume you have a discussion about what's happening. You told him she's single and might be interested in him..do you know that's she's even single?? I can think of so many bad endings to this, obvious danger aside. Why can't you guys meet in a public place especially with the...prescedent..that has been set. Oh yea and the whole you don't know how safe the free love this dude has been partaking in has been that you mentioned This is why I dont understand why chumly would bring another woman into this Esp after telling this dude this poor woman is into him??? You could be putting her in a very dangerous position chumly. I'm honestly shocked by this. I know that you've had some issues with judgement and decision making...we all have things to work on...but this is pretty serious The woman could get raped...and so could you I also want to know what rent a friend is? Is it a paid service? If you do bring another woman with you....she has every right to know what she's getting into before she goes.....I doubt she would attend if she knew though
phineas Posted May 6, 2017 Posted May 6, 2017 And this is why i pretty much write off women who try to initiate sexting with me before we meet. 90% of the time they get whacky and flake.
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