should i ever forgive her?

[acidzebra]

dated my ex gf for over a year in college, was my first relationship, she was really amazing and i loved her very much. we talked about marriage and i still believe that she is "the one"

 

however this semester things went south. for some reason i began withdrawing from the relationship, not showing affection, whenever we hung out i just wasn't present. i felt like the spark was gone and i was just bored of the relationship, but i still felt that i loved her. i don't know if i was clinging to the great times we had or if i did love her and something else was causing me to feel this way, but it happened and it hurt her really badly. on top of that i didn't trust her because she had a habit of getting blackout drunk on the weekends and she had cheated before insignificantly while hammered every time (made out with a guy at a bar over the summer we were apart, danced with another guy at a party i was at, drunkenly said she had a crush on another guy behind my back and i found out). she really wanted to earn my trust back but i had a hard time with it and i was a jerk to her about it, saying douchey stuff like "hey you better not blackout and **** some dude tonight"

 

so my lack of affection made our relationship slowly deteriorate and she was heartbroken. however we took spring break and decided that we were going to work through it because we loved each other and wanted to make it work. then about a month ago, the weekend after spring break she broke up with me one sunday morning and said it was because of the lack of trust and my withdrawal of affection. i was confused and heartbroken by this and the emotions came rushing back, i begged for her back for 3 weeks, saw her every few days and we'd have sex and cuddle but she said she couldnt get back with me.

 

finally 3 weeks after the breakup she was super drunk and called me saying she missed me and loved me. i saw her and she admitted to me that she broke up with me because the night before she was really angry at me for not trusting her and she cheated and ****ed another guy at the party she was at. she also admitted to me the next day that she had continued to see this guy and ****ed him 5 times since, and that there was another guy she had met that she had done oral with. i was literally destroyed by this but was also confused so i agreed to get back together with her after finding all of this out because i wanted her to stop slutting around. this lasted for about 4 days and then ended because i was being a huge ******* about her cheating and slutting around after the breakup. we parted ways then and since then i know shes continued juggling having sex with both guys, and had a one night stand with another guy last weekend, and has made out with a handful of guys too. this is very hard for me to deal with. right now she is still slutting around until the semester ends next week and i just want to get the hell out of here because i miss her while im here and it hurts knowing what shes doing with other guys. but once the semester ends we will be far apart for the whole summer before we both go to europe in the fall.

 

anyway sorry this is so long but i don't know how to feel about it. i feel that i should take responsibility for my part that led to our breakup, but i don't know how i could ever move past the way she slutted around so hard after we broke up and lied to me about it. the entire time we were broken up she said she wanted to get back together when we study abroad in europe next semester (we will be in diffrent countries but always planned to visit each other). but now a lot of damage has been done because of me freaking out at her for being a slut so we are no longer speaking. she was extremely in love with me while we were together and said that me withdrawing made her really depressed and she pulled away because of it.

 

i still love her right now even though i hate her at the same time for being such a huge slut immediately after breaking up. we go to a small school so i hear about everything she does. my question is should i entertain the thought of ever being with her again? i don't know if i could get past the pain she put me through and the thought of her being with so many other guys on this campus. i know that i am to blame for the decay of our relationship but i feel like she did so much post breakup damage by slutting around. i almost feel like she is of no value to me anymore and being with her would be disrespecting myself, but then again i love her, everything about her is perfect, and i want to travel europe together in 7-9 months since we have always had amazing times traveling together. and after europe we will come back to this tiny campus together for another entire year, so i feel like it would be a mistake to not see her in europe.

 

should i ever forgive her? what should i do and how should i think about this. thanks for any responses and sorry its so long

Edited May 3, 2017 by acidzebra

[d0nnivain]

I think you are young & that this was your 1st relationship but it won't be your last. It was fun while it lasted but for lots of reasons it's now time for it to be over

 

 

Do forgive her because carrying around resentment & hatred will only poison your soul but there is no need for you two to reconcile.

 

 

Take your finals. Come home. Have a great summer then go off & had fantastic European adventures next fall as a single man.

[Telemachus]

"...I love her, everything about her is perfect..."

 

If you love her and if everything about her is perfect, then there is no question, except that perhaps this perfect person deserves someone equally perfect.

 

There is nobody about whom everything is perfect - not you, not her, not me. Why would you even say this about her?

 

You can forgive her even if you and she never speak one single word to each other again. Get your terminology straight. It simply means that you forego the right to use something against her. It doesn't mean that you get back together, or that you ever even nod to her in passing in a hallway.

 

Your description is of one of the worst relationships I've encountered by witness, story, or experience, even among immature alcohol-fueled college romances, of which this is certainly one.

 

There's no hope, until at least one of you is able to act like an adult. It's better if you both do, but some semblance of a faltering relationship can be cobbled together with one person exercising prudent judgment. That commitment and its exercise are far from apparent.

[acidzebra]

i mean obviously i only told the bad parts about it but for the entire year before this started we had a really mature and fulfilling relationship... i think it just went to **** because we are young and immature

 

we shouldn't get back after spending time single over the summer and in europe and growing and maturing? is it a bad idea or do you think we could reconcile if we both grew?

 

also i guess the question isn't really should i forgive her, its more should we get back together in the distant future. cause i want to obviously

Edited May 3, 2017 by acidzebra

[d0nnivain]

Go have a fun summer & a great European trip. When you get home from that trip, you probably won't want to reconcile.

[springy]

i mean obviously i only told the bad parts about it but for the entire year before this started we had a really mature and fulfilling relationship... i think it just went to **** because we are young and immature

 

we shouldn't get back after spending time single over the summer and in europe and growing and maturing? is it a bad idea or do you think we could reconcile if we both grew?

 

also i guess the question isn't really should i forgive her, its more should we get back together in the distant future. cause i want to obviously

 

No one can answer this for you, that's something you have to decide. If in your mind you are still thinking of her as a "huge slut" it's not a good idea to even entertain the idea. Live your life, and let the future take care of itself.

 

Regardless, if she doesn't want to get back together what you want will not matter anyway.

[Ronni_W]

acidzebra,

 

There is nothing in your current perception of and thoughts about her that even remotely suggest any feelings of genuine love. You are expressing anger, resentment, negative judgment and lack of respect and forgiveness -- these are the antithesis of 'love'.

 

As for getting back with her, given your current mindset and attitude, it will not work except as an exercise in futility and self-punishment. If you cannot completely and permanently overcome all of it, then you should just leave this past relationship in the past; this will be kindest to yourself.