When does it go from innocent to something more?

[Thisguy21]

Oh wow, how passive are you? I would have called the guy already or sent him a nice email explaining just how much I would love to punch him in the face and absolutely will do so if he continues contact with my wife. And yes, it's worth the price of a plane ticket. That's the first order of business. Just don't use the word murder, that way if you actually do kill him it's not premeditated.

 

Next I would sit the wife down and explain that she has crossed a boundary and I need all of her passwords as she has just lost some trust. If she thinks she hasn't crossed a boundary tries to protest, I would flip it around on her and say "how would you feel if I were secretly messaging a girl who wants to bang me?" Then say cause if that's not a boundary to you, then please excuse me for a moment, I've got some women I need to go text real fast.

 

How does a person just sit back and wait for their partner to cheat on them and not do anything about it? Blows my mind any man, or so called man I should say, would just sit back and let some joker make sexual passes at his wife! I mean wtf? You just let that happen? Hell naw!

[Jersey born raised]

Who is this guy? Really, who/what is this guy?? He wants to get laid, fulfill a fantasy and does not care what it does to you and does not care what it does to your kids. Again what is this guy? Is he human?

 

Who is your wife? Really who/what is this woman? How could she not know what it means to deliberately let him into your marriage, your family? What does she expect to happen to her children lives and your's when the bill come due?

 

Who pays the bill? Not him, not her really, you and your children. I have never seen a spouse in your situation not destroyed who did react forcefully. By forcefully I do not mean screaming, hitting, emotionally lashing out, demeaning the other spouse. I mean first accepting who/what the other person and the way ward spouse are. Then coldly develop a solid divorce plan and post life divorce life.

 

When the plan is roughed out (including finding a lawyer) exposing the adultery to family, close mutual friends, and children first, immediately printing out state divorce laws and asking her to agree to terms.

 

Do not bring up reconcilation, is she does ask her how it's possible. If she does not go "go directly to court, do not pass home" implement the 180. Here are two links please read carefully:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Note polite and patient are important. Patient means explaining why you will not discuss something with the WS politely.

 

Second http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. It is written to help a WS understand what/how their actions and decisions effected the BS. Read today to help you undertand what you are feeling.

[Davey L]

You do have something to worry about!

Fortunately it sounds like it's not too late - no serious harm has yet been done but you may not have much more time left.

Others have said email him or message him. When I was in a similar position I went to see him - got up close and in his face and intimidated the **** out of him. Never heard anything from him again. I didn't say a word to my wife but I think she suspected what I'd done.

Just don't break the law.

[sandylee1]

While this guy is so wrong, your wife knew he had a sexual interest in her and she is the one who looked him up,

and not the other way round

 

Knowing how guys think, that's a bit of a message that at the minimum, she enjoyed his attention and that she might want more.

 

Her protests of my husband wouldn't like it are indeed weak. That says she'd be up for it and gives the message, that she is also interested on a certain level.

 

He's out of line and she may have just wanted to look him up and see what he was up to, but I bet if you spoke to another woman in the manner he's speaking to her, she'd be very concerned.

[smi11ie]

It's not your job to chase away predators interested in your wife, it is hers. A life spent monitoring your wife is no life at all. Find out if this guy is married or has a girlfriend. If he does then forward his partner copies of the texts. If you shine a light on this b***ard then he will more than likely scuttle into the shadow.

Edited May 4, 2017 by smi11ie

[QuietDan]

About 7 or 8 years ago, a coworker was seriously hitting on my wife, constantly texting her, and taking her out at lunch break and trying to seduce her.

...At the time she told me about it and just said that she had thrown cold water on it and nothing had ever come of it...

Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, ...

They don't message each other every day, but every week or a couple of times a week. He never misses an opportunity to tell he his sexual intentions.

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago....

Like any woman, she is a sucker for flattery, and I hope he never manages to get into her head.

 

Yes, He already got in her head 8 years ago. They we're intensely texting, with, her admitting that sex was routinely part of if not most of the topic of the conversation. They were routinely meeting in person. He was relentlessly pursuing her. Most of the woman I know would not go out to lunch with someone they were trying to avoid having an affair with who was relentlessly sexually pursuing them.

If she was seen, or concerned that you might find out from a fairly out that she was involved with an affair that was fairly open and carelessly executed, she would say they ware only meeting for lunch. If someone mentioned to you they seen together in public, you already knew about it and fell for the cover story. Most waywards minimize and lie about their affairs and the extent of the affairs.

Mr. Wrong may have been found out by another girl friend or wife last time, and was told to end it, or she would go public.

Maybe he had a history getting involved with other married woman at work.

The employer found out and ended things and fired him last time.

 

There is a very good possibility that this was substantially more involve 8 years ago. It may never really have ended, but went into a long term push pull pattern that seems to occur in some long term affairs.

 

You may have gotten lucky, or they got a bit more careless this time around.

 

I suspect you more than already know all of this.

Hence the reasons for these details given here.

You may be wondering if someone else also see's this as well.

Trying to confirm that you may not be paranoid with your concerns.

 

I think you have very good reason to be concerned.

[somanymistakes]

Weird thought and not really a serious suggestion, but:

 

What would she do if you treated the whole thing openly and casually? And by that I mean, instead of acting guilty about having read her facebook messages and dropping little hints to 'test' her, you just upfront said "Hey, I saw you were flirting with ThatDude the other day. Kind of funny watching how easy he is to manipulate, isn't it? Want me to help you write the next message?"

 

Like, if you were completely calm and amused and open about it, what would she do?

 

I'm not saying you should do it I just wonder how that sort of confrontation would work out.

[BluesPower]

You are approaching this the wrong way...

 

First, do you have access to all of her accounts and phone?

 

Second, She lied to you 8 years ago. Almost 100% they were sleeping together. Maybe I am wrong, but I am usually right.

 

Third, like Mark and some of the others here already said, WEAKNESS is a turn off to all women, every single one. You were weak 8 years ago.

 

Let me ask you some questions:

 

Does she travel for work?

 

Does she often go out for a "Girls night out"?

 

Does she work late very often?

 

Do you travel for work?

 

Are there time when you cannot reach her by phone?

 

Keep posting an let us know what how you are doing...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zona, I think Quiet Dan has summed up neatly in his last post. Your wife is not innocent and given the fact that you said she has a voracious sexual appetite AND your sex life 8 years ago was almost nil and your marriage was in a difficult place with the kind of attention she was getting from her OM there is every likely hood that it was a full blown physical affair then. What is happening now is that your wife is wanting to explore her sexuality with this guy again and so she has connected with him on FB and will soon carry this conversation with him to it's logical conclusion. It also seems that you are the kind of person who puts his wife on a pedestal and such behaviour invariably leads to loss of respect on the part of the wife for her husband. Your ship may already have sailed and you should try and discover the extent of their involvement before starting to protect your own interests.

 

Sorry if this sounds alarmist but you are already in deeper water than you realize. Warm wishes.

[harrybrown]

They had a PA years ago.

 

you need to man up and act fast.

 

Print off the emails and put them in a safe place.

 

Then send them to her parents. You need to expose to stop her cheating again.

[usa1ah]

Hi, I am a 44 year old man who has been married for 19 years. My wife and I have a good marriage overall, although when our kids were little, we didn't have much of a sex life. Things have improved greatly over the last couple of years in that regard.

 

About 7 or 8 years ago, a coworker was seriously hitting on my wife, constantly texting her, and taking her out at lunch break and trying to seduce her. At the time she told me about it and just said that she had thrown cold water on it and nothing had ever come of it.

 

Recently while checking my wife's facebook messenger, I see she found him and reconnected with him a few months back and has been sending messages back and forth. He constantly says how much he would like to f*** her, and how beautiful she is, and what all he would do to her body etc. She just replies things like, oh my husband would not be happy about that, or just with a lol or a giggle. He has stated he would like to meet up with her again when he is in town (he is now living in a different state).

 

They don't message each other every day, but every week or a couple of times a week. He never misses an opportunity to tell he his sexual intentions.

 

My question is this. Do I have anything to worry about? She knows exactly how he feels about her so I was surprised when she re initiated contact with him a few months ago. Reading her responses, she always gives a pretty weak push back to his advances, although she never explicitly leads him on, at least not yet. He would be on the next flight out if she ever agreed to meet him, especially with how clear he has been about his sexual intentions.

 

My wife is my soul mate, and I would hate for her to do something in a moment of weakness that ruins our marriage. Like any woman, she is a sucker for flattery, and I hope he never manages to get into her head.

 

 

 

Um she reconnected with him. Big trouble heading your way. Completely disrespectful of her to do this.

 

Print out the post from Facebook and put them in front of her and ask her to explain. How would she feel if you where hitting on another woman like this.

 

Put a stop to it or you will regret it.

[usa1ah]

Yeah, it did bug me 8 or so years ago when it started because they worked so closely together, and because our marriage wasn't the strongest at the time due to the kids being young, and so much work. During that period we were barely having sex at all and she is about as highly sexually charged as a female can get. She has a voracious sexual appetite and LOVES sex more than any other woman I have ever "known", so to speak, or even heard about. Not a good combination at that time.

 

I was happy when he left town, to take away the temptation, but services like Facebook make finding people really easy.

 

I think I will innocently ask her about him, and whether she still keeps in touch with him, and pray she is honest about it. If she is, I will remind her how easy it is to get carried away with texting or messaging, and how that can lead to disaster. Humans have a way of justifying bad behavior if they want something bad enough (excitement, sex, romance, whatever)

 

If she doesn't tell me the truth, that will not be good.

 

Don't beat around the bush. Come out and ask her what is up.

[usa1ah]

I believe your loving wife was loving someone else 8 years ago. Why else would she reconnect.

[Mrs. John Adams]

didn't she used to work with the guy?

 

I will admit...i am confused

 

This story has too many twists and turns

[Mr. Lucky]

I really don't think she realizes the slippery slop nature of these kind of communications, even if her intentions are innocent (his aren't).

 

I think you're selling your wife way short - and not in a good way.

 

She's not the poor widow trying to fend off the Landlord when he comes to collect rent each month, she's been an active participant in both the relationship and hiding it from you. You seem strangely unwilling to hold her accountable.

 

People lie to protect those things they think are important to them.

 

Why do you think she's deceived you about this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rouik]

Like some others have mentioned that can be a very slippery slope she is standing on. Your best bet is to just be open and talk to her about it and she where she takes the conversation. Were all human and can make mistakes but if you bring it up before it turns physical it would be a lot easier for the both of you to move on from. Good luck and I hope it all turns out well for you both.

[usa1ah]

didn't she used to work with the guy?

 

I will admit...i am confused

 

This story has too many twists and turns

 

About 8 years ago I think OP said. Wife recently reconnected, she found the OM on Facebook and started it back up.

[csad]

A lot of time you are doing the "pick me" game but you just don't know it. This is one of it. Confronted her and never worry about finding a reason to know the messages. If you think it's crossing the line then it's crossing the line.

[oldshirt]

Just a few general points to make here -

 

- You only know the tip of the iceberg. You only know what you have read on Facebook. You don't know what they said and did at work. You don't know what they said and did during their lunch dates and whatever other get-togethers they had years ago. You don't know what other mediums of contact they have now, ie phone, snapchat, secret email accounts etc.

 

- being passive and having a wait-and-see attitude means you get to watch their relationship blossom and they may even let you watch them have sex some day if you are a good little puppy and if they are feeling generous.

 

- passivity is weakness. Weakness is universally unattractive and undesirable to woman.

 

- Weak men get cheated on and cuckolded. The weakest of the weak continue to stay married and continue to provide support and comfort and resources to their WW while the WW continues to get it on and have her fun with the OM.

 

- Strength is drawing a line in the sand of what you will and what you will not tolerate and then enforcing those boundaries without compromise or apology.

 

- enforcing boundaries will irritate and anger her (because she wants to have fun and get the attention and ego strokes and thrills from the OM)

 

- You have two choices here so pick your poison. You can passively watch this relationship grow and develop and get stronger while you get weaker, and you can watch them have sex on your living room couch and you can hand them cool drinks while they are hot and sweaty.

 

Or you can blow this all up and you can tell the OM to @@%^ off and never come around, and you can irritate and anger your wife that you've blown her party and in the mean time earn her respect and in so doing earn her continued desire.

 

The choice is simple - #1. be weak and passive and have her screw other men.

 

Or #2. Have some giblets and put a stop to this and have her be irritated for a day or two.

[oldshirt]

I'll let'cha in on another little secret - deep down, people actually want to be mate-guarded. If you aren't familiar with that term, look it up.

 

People protect that which they value and protection shows investment. When people are protected, they feel they are valued and that their partner is invested in them.

 

When men passively stand by as their mate becomes deeper and deeper involved with another man, they feel devalued by their spouse.

 

Mate-guarding is also a display of strength and integrity. Strength is universally attractive and desirable where as passivity and weakness are universally unattractive and undesirable.

 

Yes she will initially annoyed and irate that you got into her business. But that will be temporary and will soon be replaced by respect and appreciation that you were invested enough into your marriage to risk her anger to protect it. And it will show that you are a strong man of character and not some weak doormat that she and the other man can hand you his suitcase to put away while he visits and bangs her brains out for the weekend.

 

Bottom line here is if you are too weak keep other men out of your bed, then you are too weak to keep a sexually energetic woman in the first place.

 

If you are too afraid to annoy her for a few days to keep your marriage in tact, then you are too weak to be married.

 

If you are strong enough to call her out on her BS and strong enough to kick the OM out of your marriage, then you are strong enough to have a sexually responsive mate.

 

Simple choice here - you can be afraid to upset her and watch her develop a sexual relationship with another man and kiss your sexual relationship with her good bye.

 

Or risk upsetting her a little bit for a few day and keep your marriage intact.

 

Pick whats behind Door A or pick what is behind Door B.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess the OP does not like the direction this thread is going in and hence is abstaining from responding. This also gives me the impression that he is likely in the mould of the "Nice Guy" that folks on here refer to. He seems to me to be someone who does not like to offend anyone especially his wife. So I guess it's mostly a lost cause. However I do feel sorry for him because from all that he has written he seems to be a good man who does not deserve what his wife is dishing out to him. Warm wishes.

[Zona]

Wow, threads really take on a life of their own here:D

 

Anyways just wanted to update. When I broached the subject in a round-about way, she admitted right away that she had been in contact with him again. At first she denied that he was saying anything sexual, but later admitted he was. She also said it was him who contacted her, which is not true, However, I re-read her responses, and she mostly did make it clear she was happily married and that he was only a friend to her. The whole friend thing is the biggest cold shower a woman can give to a man, as we all know.

 

Overall I was happy with her responses, and she said she blocked him on facebook.

 

There was a tiny bit of peripheral dishonesty, but I was dishonest about how I found out about it, so I can't hold her to an impossible standard.

 

She has been a wonderful wife over the years. She completely turned my life around in every way. My worry has always been her sex drive. Literally, the only foreplay she needs is taking her clothes off, and she can orgasm every few minutes indefinitely. Maybe 1% of woman are like that? Who knows, but it is obviously rare.

 

If she was a drinker, I think for sure he would have got to her when they were working closely together.

 

Anyways, it looks good for now.

 

Having said that, do you think it is normal for a woman to guard her phone like a Rottweiler? When she was showing me something on her phone, she had an iron grip on it when I tried to pull it closer to have a better look. I might just sneak a look at her texts when I can, not that I don't trust her, but verifying things can just make you relax and forget about stuff.

[Zona]

Hi Folks, I guess the OP does not like the direction this thread is going in and hence is abstaining from responding. This also gives me the impression that he is likely in the mould of the "Nice Guy" that folks on here refer to. He seems to me to be someone who does not like to offend anyone especially his wife. So I guess it's mostly a lost cause. However I do feel sorry for him because from all that he has written he seems to be a good man who does not deserve what his wife is dishing out to him. Warm wishes.

 

Actually I tried to post, but it said it would not appear for a few days? Will try to repost if it never shows up. Maybe I used a word that the filter flags?

[BluesPower]

Actually I tried to post, but it said it would not appear for a few days? Will try to repost if it never shows up. Maybe I used a word that the filter flags?

 

No, this is an issue they are having with the...Board software. They are aware of it and they are working on it.

 

It is random. One time you will get the message and one time it will post immediately.

[Southern Sun]

This is not even on the edge of being okay. You can't rationalize it at all.

 

My husband would probably kick my butt out of the house (but I'm a fWW). Seriously, it's unacceptable. Wayward or not, it's HUGE threat to the marriage and giant dis to you. Can you imagine telling another woman what you want to do to her body? Communicating a few times a week? Or accepting those types of messages from another woman...on an ongoing basis?

 

I wouldn't hesitate to tell her you saw her FB messages. Who cares how you saw them. You don't even have to tell her how. Just say, I saw them and I'm very bothered. You're crossing a line and I hope you realize it. Let's talk about how to handle.

 

I hope she agrees with you and you can shut it down together.