When does it go from innocent to something more?

[wmacbride]

I don't have my head in the sand at all. Every marriage has high and low points, and we've been through some low points, and I know all her faults and she knows mine. How could you not after 20 years of marriage.

 

Before meeting my wife, I had a very toxic relationship that lasted years. I've definitely had trust issues since that time, and I've been honest with my wife that if she ever cheated on me, I would divorce her. I didn't say that as a threat, but because I know how my mind now works. I tend to be obsessive with things, and replay things over in my mind, so staying married to an adulteress would not be an option for me.

 

We have worked really hard to rekindle things over the last few years, and it has obviously worked. We feel almost like newlyweds, which is awesome.

 

That being said, if I had concrete proof of infidelity, I would divorce her no matter what the cost. I'm pretty sure that will never happen, but there are no guarantees in life.

 

I've learned a lot since I started this thread. Any extra-curricular electronic contact with opposite sex co-workers can be risky, ESPECIALLY if it is with a guy who has designs on you, so to speak.

Most of you are old hat at this kind of stuff, so by creating this thread, I definitely learned how grave this could have become, and I dealt with it. For that I am grateful to y'all.

 

This, right here, shows you have learned nothing at all.You are still blaming others for your wife's actions ( or potential actions).

 

The contact between your wife and this other individual is not his fault. You say yourself she re-initiated contact with him.

 

I'm sorry, but you don't have to be sexually experienced to know what a guy is after when he bluntly, plainly and flat out tell you he wants to sleep with you. If she ever bread a magazine, turned on a TV or listen to the radio, she knows this. He was certainly not being subtle or lying about his intentions. She knew fully and clearly what he wanted.

 

I could understand that happen years ago and her shutting it down. That would be great if that's all it was. The problem is, a few years later, even knowing he wanted to sleep with her, she contacted him and not the other way around.

 

If you had a girl who flat out told you she wanted to sleep with you, would you just giggle and pass it off, not knowing what she was after? Would you choose to contact her again years later, and keep in contact even knowing she wanted to sleep with you?

 

How would your wife react to any of this?

 

It's not the behavior eight years ago that's so much of a problem. it's her recent behavior. You are making the same mistake so many bs do thinking that if you are just nice enough, if just treat her well enough and if you say/do all the right things, she will be faithful. None of that is true. you can't control her behavior.

[mikeylo]

Dude, while its great that you have rekindled and are head over heels in love with her but you do have your head in the sand.

 

A guy comes over and says he wants to do stuff to her body.

1, she says that you wouldnt like it ( it means she would ! )

2, she laughs at the indecent proposal ( instead of hitting him where it hurts the most )

3, how can a guy just come and say such stuff to her? I mean come on ! Yeah, guys hit on taken women all the time but no one just comes over and says stuff like that unless he knows he can , without any problem.

4, for anyone who feels the need of an opposite sex 'friend' while in a committed relationship, has issues and is killing the relationship while crying foul.

 

When I was newly married, a woman who used to be in the same college from years ago, bumped into me and asked me out for coffee , for just to catch up.I had 2 options.Either go , have fun with an old college friend , go home and either tell my wife or not tell her. Or decline the offer and tell her that now I'm married and its not even appropriate for her to even propose the coffee idea.

I chose the second.

Now, if I had laughed it over and said that my wife wouldnt like it, it would have lead to mirade of problems , misunderstandings , chaos, trust issues, mental health problems and etc etc etc.

 

So yeah, there is no need for opposite sex friends.It NEVER works, no matter how one tries to justify or reason.

[Zona]

Marriage is hard and full of potential pitfalls. No wonder 40% or more of first marriages end in divorce.

 

While I love my wife, I am definitely not a doormat. Her reaching out to this dude was obviously a really bad idea and I let her have it basically when it surfaced. Now, it's time to forgive and forget, and be thankful that I found zero evidence of an emotional or physical affair, just really bad judgement on her part in regards to contacting him.

 

Obviously if this kind of thing ever happens again, it will be really bad since we have agreed to new boundaries - no communication of any kind that the other would not approve of, and no excuses about one sided, naive, innocent intentions, or anything else.

 

I know many of you have suspicious minds, and I do too after having lived through a cheating girlfriend in my youth. Even with my suspicious mind, I just couldn't find any concrete evidence of cheating, so I have to let it go.

 

I suspect this will be my last post in this thread as their ain't much left to say. I think it's been pretty well beat to death at this point!

[Marc878]

You and your wife should read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Not Just Friends"

 

Congrats on moving on this quickly. This happens a lot. Your quick action was key

[HereNorThere]

So.many.red.flags...ugh.

 

None of us know if she cheated on you because you're choosing to look the other way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're just inexperienced and naive about these type of things.

 

If she hasn't cheated (she has bro, she has) she's certainly ripe for the picking. One sex partner, high sex drive, works in the medical field, no boundaries and the propensity to lie straight to your face. She initiated communication with him because she wanted to know if she finished becoming a P.A.? Does that make any sense to you? Go ahead, pick any physician's assistant and Google them. I just did with one I know. She's been practicing since '11 and the first 3 pictures on google images return her picture, there's pages and pages of reviews, LinkedIn accounts and the icing on the cake, lol, she's has it right there on Facebook without even adding her as friend. Literally every answer she gave you was a lie. Why?

 

So yeah, at the very least you were lied to about everything and that much you can prove. See, she's not some innocent, delicate little flower like you think. She's a liar and that's easily provable. Get your freaking head out of the sand.

 

The simple truth is that you're kind of a pushover who has this woman on a pedestal. The problem is, she is surrounded by dominant, affluent, square jawed alpha males all day trying to get in her pants. Doctors are already narcissistic as hell and think anyone that isn't involved in medicine is beneath them and then you add in your baby lotion soft frame and it doesn't look good, man.

 

At the very least, figure out why she lied. Start from there and quit making excuses. It's humiliating and you deserve better. Honestly, I think you know the truth and choose to ignore because you aren't willing to lose her. That's not a good position to be in.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zona, everything said and done I would have only one small bit of advice for you. Keep your intuitive senses on high alert and use the advice of one of your past Presidents namely "Trust but verify"! Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

Good luck but do remember that it's not done yet. The guy who doesn't take no for an answer is still around , as are other guy friends. As long as a third person is there in a couple, the best of relationships are doomed and the only person to blame is the one who can't live without 'friends' and finds reasons to say ' thank you'.

 

Take Care