Author isabellah Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I think gunslinger is onto the real answer I would guess. A guy can be all gung-ho in the beginning but later decide that type of distance and committing to intense full weekends together is not something they can keep up--no matter how much they like you. A guy isn't necessarily thinking so long term at this point (no matter how they acted that might contradict that). Basically if he has friends, hobbies and a decent career (or wants to develop one) now reality is hitting him that this might be impossible to maintain. Lots of my guy friends went through very similar dilemmas and 9 times out of 10 would not stick with dating the girl, even though nothing else was a red flag for them at that point. Just a thought If this is about us living too far away I would totally understand IF he would just TALK to me, he knows me well enough to know that even if I'm not contacting him at all I'm having all kinds of thoughts in my head and he should be sensitive about that. He's always been. Another thing that everybody here is ignoring, is the fact that he started to pull away the day after his car accident, which was very serious, he could've died, we live in Germany and we have no speed limits when driving on a highway, he's always driving fast, but that day he was driving faster than before, one wheel exploded and he lost total control, he had to react really fast, I think it's even admirable his first reaction wasn't pull the breaks because the car would've flied, it's his second accident (he still talks about the first one occasionally). A few guy friends tell me this might be the actual problem, that he's having a hard time after the accident. I googled it and yes, withdrawal is common after an accident, he needs to go back to his routine to start getting over it, but he's not back to his routine just yet, his car is still at the mechanics until May 13th, and he's sleeping at a friend's place who lives near his work, or they pick him up, I think an independent man without a car must feel like ****. He called me drunk at 4am two nights in a row (Monday and Tuesday) which is not normal so I'm guessing is having indeed a hard time, since he also suffers from depression episodes once in a while This could also be the reason, right? Edited May 4, 2017 by isabellah
Author isabellah Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 But you also said it was just fun right? Or am I missing something. Maybe it didn't go the way you described it initially? I.once was dating a girl and we had not discussed "the relationship". I mentioned I had cancelled a date as it didn't feel right. She seemed fine but later it turned out that she was super angry that I had even thought of dating anyone else. Here was I thinking I was telling her something positive! It was never good after that. I said it because that's what we were doing from the start, we both knew and talked about it, we said nothing is possible between us because we live too far away, that it doesn't seem realistic. But as the time went by, we just forgot about that and started investing time and emotions in this thing we have (had?) As for the girl you were seeing it was a very positive thing! I would've been head over heels! Maybe she got angry because she was dating more people and felt like she couldn't do it anymore if you're on that path? But anyway, GoneGirl is right, you dodged a bullet there
GoneGirl32 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) I think experiencing such a life-threatening accident as he did *can* change people; it may have caused him to feel somewhat "vulnerable" and needs to get back to "himself" if that makes sense. His comment "for f***'s sake, this s*** is draining me!" when describing how comfortable and close he feels with you is very telling! It indicates he may feel *uncomfortable* (drained) and again vulnerable with the closeness and connection and needs to pull back to get back to himself. Just speculation really but it makes sense. Sort of anyway. Something to consider. Can you somehow detach emotionally yourself when he gets like this? Needing this distance, space? I dunno, I've become quite good at that, I just sort of detach and shut down. It's not even a conscious decision or some sort of strategy, it's a natural response (within myself) when a man pulls back like that. Not sure if that's healthy or not, it may even perpetuate the cycle of push/pull, but like I said, it's natural for me to do this, it protects me emotionally. Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32
Author isabellah Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 His comment "for f***'s sake, this s*** is draining me!" when describing how comfortable and close he feels with you is very telling! Nono, I closed my quotation mark, I said (to myself) it's draining me, he didn't say that. I used to detach quite well, before we started getting closer and closer, no anxiety, he always came back, after we got closer I just got used to hearing from him a lot, that's how all my relationships have been, nobody's ever pulled away from me before. I can detach myself from him "physically" (texts/calls), I pull back as well, but I can't detach emotionally, I might be not contacting him and not reacting, I can do that... while biting my nails and having all kinds of thoughts in my head :/
Author isabellah Posted May 8, 2017 Author Posted May 8, 2017 (edited) So I started seeing this guy 4 months ago, we have an amazing chemistry, we live 4 hours apart but still we managed to see each other every 2 weeks and stay 3-4 days together. The last time we saw each other was 2 weeks and a half ago, after he left my house he had a car accident where he could've died if he didn't react properly, luckily no injuries. It all went down after that day, he called me after the accident to tell what happened, he sounded pretty chill though, but I guess he was shocked and in disbelief, he said he would call in the evening, he didn't. Next day he sent me a voice message saying he was ok but tired and said he would call in the evening, I said I just wanted to know if he was doing ok, later on he sent me another message calling me sweetie and saying he had a huge headache all day and that he was not in a good mood to talk, that he would call the next day and sent me a kiss. He called next day, we talked 4 minutes, he said that he still liked me and that everything was ok between us, that I shouldn't think otherwise because of him acting distant that he's feeling depressed (I knew he suffered from this since the start). After talking I sent him a text showing my support, he replied thanking me for being so understanding and that he really appreciated it. Next day nothing. Next day another voice note, saying he was feeling a little bit better and that maybe he would call later, he didn't, again. He wrote me a message commenting on a snap of mine, I didn't reply, I started to get resentful and suspicious (I have trust issues and anxiety so my demons started to rise their heads). During this time he posted a picture on Instagram, a woman commented "sexy", the same woman who commented on his last pic "nice nose", went to her profile to find out he had commented "nice nose" too, and she replied with "not as nice as yours (and kiss with a heart emoji), he just replied with a laugh. you're not so depressed now, right?! My blood boiled. It boiled so much I liked his and her comment so he knew I saw it. He called me later that day 3 times, I didn't pick up any of them. I was mostly pissed at myself for letting my emotions overtake me since we are not in a relationship. He sent me a voice note saying he saw the likes and that she was just a friend, that they were joking, that I don't have to be angry and that I think something in my head but my thoughts are far from reality, "she is just a friend, seriously". I didn't reply to that either. He called again later day too, I still didn't reply. He called next day (suddenly he called a lot!), I didn't reply. Next day I answered, he kept on saying nothing weird is going on, that he likes me and that I shouldn't doubt it, "I had something with her a couple of years ago but not anymore, I'm seeing you!", and I was like WHAT THE HELL, "but baby we are not in a relationship yet", I said I knew and that's why I was angry at myself. "Be sweet to me again" he said, I said "I can't right now", we hung up. After that he called me drunk at 4am two days in a row, asking me to believe him because we are so good together he doesn't wanna have any negativity between us, he kept on saying how funny and sweet I am, that he was thinking about me, that he doesn't know what's going on with him, "it's this depression, I'm sorry, are you angry at me?", he said he would call next day, he didn't. This time he didn't contact me for two days and a half, when he finally did he apologized, that he wasn't feeling good the whole week, that he hopes I'm not angry and that it would be nice to talk next day. He didn't call, AGAIN. I sent him another supportive message, he said he was happy to know I can be there for him. At 2am he said "I miss you" for the first time (he doesn't say things like this just because, he never had). He sent me another voice note today, saying these two weeks and a half have not been easy for him and that he hopes I can understand, "I'll try to call you tomorrow", this time there were no sweet words like sweetie or baby. I know this text might seem stressful haha, but I'm more than confused! I need opinions A part of me feels he is having indeed a hard time, since he is not back in his routine yet (he gets his car back in 4 days), his friends pick him up to go to work, he stays with friends who live near the city, it's a mess. But other part of me thinks he is pushing me away so I'm the one doing the dirty work (leaving him), or that he's seeing someone else (but if so, why is he trying to reassure me that we are good together?). What do you think of this? Is he playing with me? Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator threads merged ~6
Miss Spider Posted May 9, 2017 Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) He'll string you along for as long as he can and then he'll fade or directly tell you it's over like seen so many times here. 4 months, 4 hours away, communication at his convenience, no commitment. Of course he's flirting with others. You're exclusive to him and he's casually seeing you. Set-up for disaster Edited May 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough
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