Why is he pulling away but still calls?

[isabellah]

He's 28, I'm 27 and this has never happened to me before, I'm used to things go smoothly as ****.

Meet this guy 4 months ago, things started to get serious, we spent weekend in each other places (we live 4 hours away), he introduced me to some of his friends, at first he used to call every now and then, after we had our first fight our bond grew stronger and we started to Facetime every night for 1-2 hours, he would say how much he likes me, how comfortable and happy he feels with me, it was all too good to be truth.

 

He visited for my birthday, got me flowers, we had "the talk" in which we stated none of us is seeing anybody else because we feel like we shouldn't, I told him (trying to be cool) that I knew we were just having fun, he said: "Don't say that, this is more than just fun, you know that's not true", he said he knew I was starting to have feelings for him and said he was feeling the same way, he stayed 3 days, had a car accident on his way back home (no injuries thank God), and after that he started to pull away, he started to text and call less, he said he still liked me and that everything was ok between us, that I shouldn't think anything was wrong because of him acting distant, he said sometimes he is like this, I told him I respected the fact that he needed space, he said in a lovely way he appreciated that I can be so understanding. He kept pulling back, one day, two days, I thought it wasn't gonna take that long (2 weeks), he would randomly call and the calls wouldn't last more than 4-5 minutes. He would still call me baby, and send kisses when he hung up. He called me drunk at 4am two days in a row, saying he likes me, when I asked what's going on with him he just said "I don't know" "Are you angry at me?", I said really calmly "I'm not angry, I'm just confused, I want to understand you", he said he likes me very much and that I should never doubt that.

 

He said "I like you so much I'm making plans you know, I'm gonna visit you with Alex (his bf) and we can have a double date, it would be nice". I said I don't know if I can get used to this behavior if it keeps happening, he said "You can do whatever you want". He said we both should sleep and I said "yes you're right, have a good night then", then he said "Why are you giving up so fast?". In this moment I didn't know if he was talking about me hanging up when I would ALWAYS ask for a few minutes more or if he was talking about me not being ok with his behavior, I made a joke to break the ice, he laughed and said "You're funny, you're so **** funny!". He sent a goodnight kiss, asked for one but I ignored it and said something nice instead, "you're so sweet" he said. His last contact was today at 04:20, it's 20:00 and honestly I don't think he will call tonight as he said he would.

 

So my question here is WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT BEAUTIFUL MIND OF HIS?

[GunslingerRoland]

Long distance dating can be very draining especially early in a relationship. It sounds like he likes you a lot, but it might just be too far.

[kendahke]

I wonder if he suffered a concussion in his accident.

 

But ultimately, I agree with GunslingerRoland. The distance might have him thinking twice about the wisdom in pursuing this.

[isabellah]

I'm not totally sure about that

We would visit each other every two weeks and stay 4 days, that equals seeing each other 2 times per week, which I'm ok with, he gets home from work at 22:00 most of the time and since it's a family business he's always on the run. He visits a town an hour away from my city very often because of work as well, so I don't think distance is the main reason he is acting like this

[basil67]

You're talking about how he doesn't call like he used to. But unless I missed it, you don't mention how often you call him. Are you holding up your own end of initiation?

[joseb]

So he asks you to be exclusive and you say no you just want fun. it's no wonder he is pulling back.

[GoneGirl32]

So he asks you to be exclusive and you say no you just want fun. it's no wonder he is pulling back.

 

I'm torn between this^ or that he's found another woman (local) who's struck his fancy and has got you on the backburner (aka "benched"), waiting to see how it plays out with her. Google "benched" cause that is precisely what he's doing now (just discovered this term today and it's right on).

 

He visited for my birthday, got me flowers, we had "the talk" in which we stated none of us is seeing anybody else because we feel like we shouldn't, I told him (trying to be cool) that I knew we were just having fun, he said: "Don't say that, this is more than just fun, you know that's not true", he said he knew I was starting to have feelings for him and said he was feeling the same way. (

 

How did you respond to this? When he told you he knew you were starting to have feelings and he felt the same?

 

One piece of advice that I've learned the hard way.

 

Don't try to be the "cool girl" (unless you really are genuinely cool with everything) it NEVER works and usually ends up backfiring on ya, and I'm speaking from experience. I used to be like the coolest cool girl a man could ever meet.

 

Sure I got the guy chasing me (my ex literally chased me for SIX YEARS even after we moved in together), but in the end I got hurt cause the only guys (including my ex) who go for "cool girls" are commitment phobes, or otherwise emotionally unavailable. Men who prefer DISTANCE (physically, mentally emotionally).

 

Guys NOT looking for a healthy, STABLE, LTR.

 

Definitely NOT COOL. Not for me (anymore).

Edited May 3, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[isabellah]

You're talking about how he doesn't call like he used to. But unless I missed it, you don't mention how often you call him. Are you holding up your own end of initiation?

 

He was always initiating the calls and voice notes (but I replied very fast). I did try to be also the one to contact him first but he would never ever picked up so I stopped, one time I told him I wasn't calling him because he never answered, he said "I promise if you call me again I will answer, even if it's to tell I will call you back, ok?", and he did, I used to call him once in a while during the day but it made no sense since he has 3-4 meetings per day so I didn't wanna bother him, I used to send him a "I hope you're having a nice day" message sometimes. But now that he's acting like this I'm not contacting him at all unless he calls me, because I feel he wants space and I'm trying to respect that

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not totally sure about that

We would visit each other every two weeks and stay 4 days, that equals seeing each other 2 times per week, which I'm ok with, he gets home from work at 22:00 most of the time and since it's a family business he's always on the run. He visits a town an hour away from my city very often because of work as well, so I don't think distance is the main reason he is acting like this

 

Might not seem like much to you, but I can't fathom dating someone 4 hours away. It's different travelling for work, as opposed to travelling every time you want to go on a date.

 

It's great that you can do the 4 days every two weeks, but that would be hard for me, full time together and then nothing for a week and a half.

[isabellah]

So he asks you to be exclusive and you say no you just want fun. it's no wonder he is pulling back.

 

Actually I was the one who brought it up (we were kinda drunk), I said I could be going out with other guys but I don't because I feel really bad and he looked at me and said "me too!!!", that's how it went down.

Did I really made a mistake saying that? He's not the kind of man who would be affected by that, he told me right away to stop saying that because it wasn't true. The last day he was here it was perfect like always and didn't seem affected, he even planned our next date saying he would take days off because he wanted to take to a place he used to go when he was a child and all :(

[GoneGirl32]

Might not seem like much to you, but I can't fathom dating someone 4 hours away. It's different travelling for work, as opposed to travelling every time you want to go on a date.

 

It's great that you can do the 4 days every two weeks, but that would be hard for me, full time together and then nothing for a week and a half.

 

I might be inclined to agree with you, if not for the fact he's been OKAY with the distance for FOUR months.

 

Now suddenly, after four months, it bothers him?

 

Still calls though, texts, tells her to "be patient" while he gets his **** together.

 

But doesn't make any effort to spend time together.

 

Not buying it. There's another woman.

 

ETA: Sorry OP, I used to buy into that Mars/Venus ****, that guys needed to "pull back," go into their caves once they start feeling close to a woman, but NOT buying it anymore.

 

Now I just think when a guy does this he's met someone else he likes better (at least for the moment) and benches you until he figures out who he likes better and wants to be with.

Edited May 3, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[basil67]

He was always initiating the calls and voice notes (but I replied very fast). I did try to be also the one to contact him first but he would never ever picked up so I stopped, one time I told him I wasn't calling him because he never answered, he said "I promise if you call me again I will answer, even if it's to tell I will call you back, ok?", and he did, I used to call him once in a while during the day but it made no sense since he has 3-4 meetings per day so I didn't wanna bother him, I used to send him a "I hope you're having a nice day" message sometimes. But now that he's acting like this I'm not contacting him at all unless he calls me, because I feel he wants space and I'm trying to respect that

 

Nooooo!!!

 

Please don't go accepting behaviour which doesn't work for you. Dating is about finding Mr/Ms Right - it's not about accepting a relationship which makes you feel bad. Why would you waste time with someone who does this?

 

Just move on.

[isabellah]

I'm torn between this^ or that he's found another woman (local) who's struck his fancy and has got you on the backburner (aka "benched"), waiting to see how it plays out with her. Google "benched" cause that is precisely what he's doing now (just discovered this term today and it's right on).

 

How did you respond to this? When he told you he knew you were starting to have feelings and he felt the same?

 

One piece of advice that I've learned the hard way.

 

Don't try to be the "cool girl" (unless you really are genuinely cool with everything) it NEVER works and usually ends up backfiring on ya, and I'm speaking from experience. I used to be like the coolest cool girl a man could ever meet.

 

Sure I got the guy chasing me (my ex literally chased me for SIX YEARS even after we moved in together), but in the end I got hurt cause the only guys (including my ex) who go for "cool girls" are commitment phobes, or otherwise emotionally unavailable. Men who prefer DISTANCE (physically, mentally emotionally).

 

Guys NOT looking for a healthy, STABLE, LTR.

 

Definitely NOT COOL. Not for me (anymore).

 

 

I had no idea that term even existed!!! Now there is another thing added to my anxiety list

I really don't know what to think of this because my gut tells me to trust his words, it's his attitude the one that's making me nuts, they just don't match!

Another important thing is that... he was a player, the typical handsome business man with a Porsche who smells like Chanel and dresses perfectly , he stopped two years ago when he started to feel sad and empty after getting laid, which I understand because I've also felt that way.

Another important thing is that... he was seeing someone when he met me, after a month of talking to me, he cut things off with her because she wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready, "but with you I think there is hope" he said.

So I don't know, maybe karma is catching up with me or something and you might be right in your other comment, there must be somebody else?

Nonetheless, it's a very strange thing to pull away so abruptly, when he was being so sweet and attentive.

 

Another important thing is that... I have a 4yo child, they met, they clicked, he loves children, he even promised my son to make him pancakes for breakfast next time he comes, and left his chess game (handmade by his mother) here so he could play, we drove him to the kindergarten and he sat him on his legs so he could drive. So my child isn't a problem here either.

[isabellah]

Nooooo!!!

 

Please don't go accepting behaviour which doesn't work for you. Dating is about finding Mr/Ms Right - it's not about accepting a relationship which makes you feel bad. Why would you waste time with someone who does this?

 

Just move on.

 

 

Yeah I'm starting to feel like I should just move on and block him, because I KNOW he will call and say all these nice things that I will end up believing, and they might be true, but I don't wanna be anxious all the time thinking when will be the next time he pulls away again

The difficult thing for me is that when I date someone is because they've outdone the guy I dated before them, and except for this weird episode of him everything was just perfect

[isabellah]

Might not seem like much to you, but I can't fathom dating someone 4 hours away. It's different travelling for work, as opposed to travelling every time you want to go on a date.

 

It's great that you can do the 4 days every two weeks, but that would be hard for me, full time together and then nothing for a week and a half.

 

Guess it comes easy to me because I had a long distance relationship where I didn't see my boyfriend for 8 months, it was never hard, we talked everyday and I had a lot of things to do

I also think if that's what's bothering him he would say it, he knows he can communicate with me openly :/

[GoneGirl32]

 

Another important thing is that... he was a player, the typical handsome business man with a Porsche who smells like Chanel and dresses perfectly , he stopped two years ago when he started to feel sad and empty after getting laid, which I understand because I've also felt that way.

 

Another important thing is that... he was seeing someone when he met me, after a month of talking to me, he cut things off with her because she wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready, "but with you I think there is hope" he said.

 

I can't stand the term "player" and not even sure what it means other than a man who dates (and is successful at dating) many women. So I have no comment on that.

 

However, re the bolded. You gotta pay attention to a man's history! I know, we (as women) always want to believe that his ex (the woman he was dating when he met you) wasn't good enough and that somehow we're different, better, smarter, prettier, whatever.

 

And of course because of our greatness lol, he will want to have a "relationship" WITH us! Even if he's never been able to sustain a RL in his life, he will want want with us, because we're so GREAT!

 

Well we're NOT better than they were (or are). HE is the one with the problem. I hate to say this but he sounds like your basic, everyday, run of the mill, commitment phobe!

 

Runs from one woman to another as soon as she starts wanting more from him, like a real relationship.

 

Just like he did with his ex, and just like he's (probably) doing with you now.

 

If it were me in this situation, I would walk. Seriously.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide though.

 

ETA: I wouldn't be surprised if he was even seeing his "ex" again. The same ex he dumped when he met you. These guys like to bounce back and forth between women, when things start getting a little "too close for comfort" with the current one.

Edited May 3, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[Versacehottie]

Might not seem like much to you, but I can't fathom dating someone 4 hours away. It's different travelling for work, as opposed to travelling every time you want to go on a date.

 

It's great that you can do the 4 days every two weeks, but that would be hard for me, full time together and then nothing for a week and a half.

 

I think gunslinger is onto the real answer I would guess. A guy can be all gung-ho in the beginning but later decide that type of distance and committing to intense full weekends together is not something they can keep up--no matter how much they like you. A guy isn't necessarily thinking so long term at this point (no matter how they acted that might contradict that). Basically if he has friends, hobbies and a decent career (or wants to develop one) now reality is hitting him that this might be impossible to maintain. Lots of my guy friends went through very similar dilemmas and 9 times out of 10 would not stick with dating the girl, even though nothing else was a red flag for them at that point. Just a thought

[GoneGirl32]

I think gunslinger is onto the real answer I would guess. A guy can be all gung-ho in the beginning but later decide that type of distance and committing to intense full weekends together is not something they can keep up--no matter how much they like you. A guy isn't necessarily thinking so long term at this point (no matter how they acted that might contradict that). Basically if he has friends, hobbies and a decent career (or wants to develop one) now reality is hitting him that this might be impossible to maintain. Lots of my guy friends went through very similar dilemmas and 9 times out of 10 would not stick with dating the girl, even though nothing else was a red flag for them at that point. Just a thought

 

Fair enough, so why not just tell her that then? That after four months, he feels the distance is too great and he can't do it anymore. Best to call it quits.

 

Instead of this:

 

...he started to pull away, he started to text and call less, he said he still liked me and that everything was ok between us, that I shouldn't think anything was wrong because of him acting distant, he said sometimes he is like this, I told him I respected the fact that he needed space, he said in a lovely way he appreciated that I can be so understanding. (

 

Come on guys, it's not the long distance. In fact, if he's a true commitment phobe (which I personally think he is based on everything she has posted), he probably prefers the long distance. CPs love long distance relationships. They seek them out. They feel less stifled and "boxed in" in a LDR as opposed to more local where they're expected to spend more time with their partner, etc.

Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[basil67]

I can't stand the term "player" and not even sure what it means other than a man who dates (and is successful at dating) many women. So I have no comment on that.

 

I think the term player is used in a few different ways. To me, it's a guy who misrepresents himself, his goals or desires in order to lure women. It's the fellow who promises the world and then disappears when he's gotten sex.

 

A guy who gets lots of dates with different women isn't a player if he's not making false promises or commitments.

[GoneGirl32]

 

To me, it's a guy who misrepresents himself, his goals or desires in order to lure women. It's the fellow who promises the world and then disappears when he's gotten sex.

 

A guy who gets lots of dates with different women isn't a player if he's not making false promises or commitments.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with your assessment on that!

 

Another important thing is that... he was a player, the typical handsome business man with a Porsche who smells like Chanel and dresses perfectly. he stopped two years ago when he started to feel sad and empty after getting laid

 

This^ is NOT a player. Unless he's lying and scamming women in order to get laid.

Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[joseb]

Actually I was the one who brought it up (we were kinda drunk), I said I could be going out with other guys but I don't because I feel really bad and he looked at me and said "me too!!!", that's how it went down.

 

But you also said it was just fun right? Or am I missing something. Maybe it didn't go the way you described it initially?

 

I.once was dating a girl and we had not discussed "the relationship". I mentioned I had cancelled a date as it didn't feel right. She seemed fine but later it turned out that she was super angry that I had even thought of dating anyone else. Here was I thinking I was telling her something positive! It was never good after that.

[GoneGirl32]

But you also said it was just fun right? Or am I missing something. Maybe it didn't go the way you described it initially?

 

I.once was dating a girl and we had not discussed "the relationship". I mentioned I had cancelled a date as it didn't feel right. She seemed fine but later it turned out that she was super angry that I had even thought of dating anyone else. Here was I thinking I was telling her something positive! It was never good after that.

 

joseb you were telling her something positive!

 

SHE chose to spin a negative, which is her issue not yours.

 

No wonder it was never good after that.

 

Consider it a bullet successfully dodged.

Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[Miss Spider]

It's the distance. Guys who want casual like the distance. They got an every other weekend girl. In the meantime,, they're out there looking for stuff closer.

 

If a guy is making you wonder 4 months into seeing each other and he lives 4 hours away, it's going nowhere

Edited May 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GoneGirl32]

Yeah I'm starting to feel like I should just move on and block him, because I KNOW he will call and say all these nice things that I will end up believing, and they might be true, but I don't wanna be anxious all the time thinking when will be the next time he pulls away again

The difficult thing for me is that when I date someone is because they've outdone the guy I dated before them, and except for this weird episode of him everything was just perfect

 

Yeah, things are always "perfect" until they're not anymore.

 

One thing I am finding as I read these forums is that many people (not you necessarily isabellah) refuse to believe or accept that feelings can change and what was once "perfect" just isn't anymore and they need to accept that and act accordingly. If that means ending things, then that's okay too.

 

Instead they twist themselves round in an attempt to get their SO to treat them like they did in the "beginning" when things were "perfect."

 

Not gonna happen and doing that may even make things worse.

 

Relationships are always changing, sometimes evolving, sometimes regressing backwards, forwards, or sometimes remaining stagnant.

 

I think it's important to remain flexible and accept these changing nuances, enjoy the "dance"!

 

It can really be quite fun you know, it doesn't have to be this all encompassing anxiety ridden experience that leaves you so emotionally overwrought you end up throwing in the towel.

 

That said, in your case OP, I think this guy has issues. The biggest red flag was when he chose to get involved with you while still dating his ex, eventually leaving her because she was apparently wanting a "relationship," that he "wasn't ready" for, but then saying "hopefully" it will be different with you and he will be ready with you.

 

Not buying it and neither should you have.

 

If it were me, I would walk, seriously. I think he is on his way out.

 

Sure you can continue being the "cool girl" and keep him around longer, but will this make you happy?

 

It's a facade it's not the real you. So I can't imagine why it would make you happy, in retrospect it did not make me happy, it screwed me up. Real bad.

 

Good luck whatever you decide though.

Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32

[isabellah]

I can't stand the term "player" and not even sure what it means other than a man who dates (and is successful at dating) many women. So I have no comment on that.

 

Player, ****boy, womanizer, yes, it's when he is successful at dating many women AT THE SAME TIME, making them think they're dating exclusively :/

 

 

Runs from one woman to another as soon as she starts wanting more from him, like a real relationship.

 

I never ever said I wanted a relationship, we were fine just the way we were, 4 months is not enough time to start a relationship for me. I really think we ****ed up the moment we said we were not seeing anybody else although it was obvious for both of us, somehow it made it feel super real to me, maybe he felt the same way? Next day I cried a river because I thought I wasn't ready (left my son's father a year ago but moved out 6 months ago), I feared losing this guy before we even started and I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt, I even thought of saying goodbye to him, I got scared af

 

And you're right, I also think he might be talking to her again, or maybe somebody else, but I HATE so much he can't man up and just TALK. Actually he even said that he gets bored with a woman after some time, and when that happens he just tells them it's not working, and that they're even grateful for him talking to them instead of acting like an ass (like he is doing now), why can't he just talk to me like that? During that conversation he also said "But not with you, I feel like I can trust you I don't know why, I feel like I can be myself with you, without all the tension you have when you're seeing somebody new, I feel so comfortable when I'm around you, I love spending time with you, you're amazing". For ****s sake this shi* is draining me!