e111s Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I need some help and some outside perspective so please bare with me and let me explain my story. Me and my gf were together for 5 years ages 25 + 23 respectively. We met together at work (I got a new job earlier this year around the time everything went wrong) and got on from the off. In Sept 16 we purchased a home together and over the years we have also bought two lovely doggies. Everything was perfect our whole lives set up. We both wanted the same things out of life, a young family, young married, we both had very good jobs and were seen to many as the successful couple so nothing was ever in doubt in my mind. In Oct 16 my granddad passed away and naturally I hit a low point in my life. Shortly after, my ex failed some exams and so she too was at a low point. We got stuck into a rut where neither of us were enjoying life (although I was too numb from grieving from my granddad to realise at the time). We bickered and argued over silly things and were not there for each other. This phase lasted for a couple of months up until February. She was going away on a girls holiday, something I did not have a problem with and never had. I trusted her fully with my life and our dogs lives. When she returned from the holiday she had changed completely. All of a sudden she ignored me, stayed out late round friends/family and would come home and go straight to bed. This carried on for a number of days until I confronted her about it and she explained that she wasn't happy with our relationship anymore, explaining that moving into a new house should be a honeymoon period (which I completely agree with). She went to stay at her parents for a couple of days, I didn't contact her because I was angry at this point not understanding any of it (still numb from my granddad). She then returned a few days later and took all of her stuff and said that we were over, asking what I wanted to do with the house and stuff. This all came as such a shock to me at the time it was dreadful. I chased her for a couple of days and then she turned around and confessed that she had cheated on me on the holiday. I wasn't overly bothered (and for some reason still aren't) but the most painful thing was that she had been texting him since getting back from the holiday, texting him whilst I am sit in the same office as her - its unreal to think about. We agreed to have some time apart from each other however as we had a house I had to talk to her about bills etc. during this time and also looked into our options with the property and the dogs should the worst happen. She deemed this as me not giving her time and space and called it a day after a few days. That was it my heart sunk and I was at the lowest point of my life. A number of weeks of pure pain I started getting much better and realising my own self worth, I have a very good job my own house and am a really nice person. I had realised my "errors" with the grieving process and it sounds silly but feel much happier now than I did at any point post Sept 16. In some ways I am thankful for what she done to me to get me out of the rut that I had got stuck into...but I want her back to see me this happy and carry on with our lives. The hardest point is that I know how good of a couple we are, we were planning to have children by Christmas this year as she is now on her final exams and so its hard to take knowing that's not going to happen. I know people will say its a good job that you don't have kids however I strongly believe that if none of the external factors would have happened all at the same time we would be happier than ever at the moment because that's what we were, so happy all of the time! We have now been split up for 2 months and have rare contact about the dogs (I am now looking after these full time as she moved into her own flat where she cannot have them - I am also still in "our" home which she has agreed to sign into my name). It's been very weird, almost as though she has forgotten about the dogs. They were essentially her babies and now she has no interest in them at all. A couple of weeks ago we had a full chat over facetime and we were just talking like normal, talking about rubbish, smiling, laughing, being happy, she cried when I asked if she was really happy and why people kept telling me she is strong willed (she really isn't but she is good at putting a face on). I am at the point of the breakup where I have accepted it, I do understand why it happened, I am moving on, however tiny things bring me down again, I see a picture of her on Instagram (I Don't actively look but get told about them so then feel like I need to see it), or she will text me about dog check ups and I feel the need to reply. Little things that just remind me of the girl I loved. Everyone I speak to keeps telling me to move on and that I deserve so much better (and I do!) but the truth is I don't want better, I just want her back. We were definitely the right couple however the timing of my granddad and her exams hit us like a bullet and we couldn't withstand it together, I keep telling myself it wasn't our relationship that failed, it was us as people. She knows that I am happier and more positive, she has seen it, I also think that she thinks there is no coming back from how she has treated me and so is moving on herself (at least that's what she is showing the world), but I would have her back straight away...I just don't want her to know that! I disappeared like a ghost for a month but now I am on snapchat constantly, showing her what she is missing (I am renovating the house as I couldn't have it looking how she left it) and she keeps looking at all of my snaps! If it were me I wouldn't look at anything, it's either she has fully moved on (REALLY DOUBTFUL) or she can't let go and has to know what I'm doing. Some of my snaps also get a reaction where she will then put something on snapchat but I am very good at avoiding her, I deleted facebook and don't look at any of her snaps - I am a stronger person! I know that I am seeing her next weekend as we have an event with my previous workplace, she also knows this and text me today saying that we should be friends now and not spiteful/ignore each other, I just cannot do that to myself, I will always look at her as more than a friend so I cannot get friend zoned by this girl!!! So here I am...what do I do? I think its the fear of unknowing, unknowing what she is thinking, unknowing what she is feeling? I could knock on her door and I could have it slammed in my face, or we could just hug it out...I don't know! Someone please guide me as to what to do (but please not just "Move on" - I am still in the recovery stage!) I strongly feel like we were the right couple, we wouldn't have bought a house together and planned our future together if not, it's just we hit a bad time at the end of last year and she cannot see anyway back. I know that in time she will regret it a lot because she has lost someone that loved her so much, she has lost her two dogs that she loved and she has lost her first home...I don't believe that she will not regret it!!! Thank you for reading.
Author e111s Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 months ago without much of a good reason. I lost my grandad 6 months ago and we started arguing whilst I was in the grieving process (she also had things going on in her life). We didn't communicate and didn't support each other. She cheated on my just before breaking up with me which told her how she felt. We haven't had much contact but have been talking today, she told me that she had fallen out of love with me and didn't want to be with me, although does regret some things. She said that she is a believe of we weren't meant for each other but naturally I can't accept that at the moment. I have now stopped contact with her and accepted that she won't be coming back anytime soon, but what I would like to know is if she does regret it (more than she lets on or more than she is now) is it possible to fall back in love with someone? Or is there anyway I can accelerate the process? We had two dogs and a house together, all of which are being transferred to me so I struggle to believe she won't come back at some point. She loved those dogs more than anything. Any help appreciated
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 How old are you both? I feel this is relevant because if you two are on the younger side, then falling out of love is often a by-product of growing up and growing apart and not being ready to settle down. I experienced this as a young woman. I had been with my ex for 5 years, but as we transitioned into adulthood I knew I wasn't ready to commit to just him for the rest of my life, and that my feelings towards him had changed. He is a good guy but he wasn't the one for me, nor I the one for him, ultimately. Perhaps your ex feels the same. Sadly, she made her exit by betraying you. But she is right, in a way; her ability to cheat indicates she just didn't feel that strongly about you anymore. Cheating is the ultimate display of disrespect and lack of care for the betrayed partner. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. But it does mean that she had already checked out before she cheated. For what it's worth, you need to ask yourself why you'd even consider trying to take her back. She isn't trustworthy and doesn't care much about your feelings. This isn't someone you should be with anymore, unfortunately.
Author e111s Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Thank you for your response. I am 25 and my ex is 23. We bought a house together 7 months ago and were very set on starting a young family, however things got worse with our own personal lives shortly after. I understand why she cheated on me as I have done a similar thing in the past, difference being I regretted it and went chasing a few months later - something I'm not expecting from my ex as she is very stubborn. I agreee with untrustworthy however I never had the incling that she would cheat on me because she was so happy, and I do believe that if we got back together and she was happy I could trust her again. With regards to our age, I understand what you're saying however it was all she wanted from life, a young family home and she was always pleased that she had found someone who wanted the same so I'm not sure that part scared her off. In many ways I think essentially she wasn't happy, got some attention somewhere else and thought the grass was greener...the hardest part is that it was external factors that split us up, not something either of us had done or could control. I think that's why I can still see a future with this girl because our lives and relationship were so happy, we just failed as people when something big had hit us.
Maldives Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 I agree wth the above poster why would you want someone that doesn't want you? The pain will subside at some stage I know I just came out of a 6 yr one myself she's treated me similar to ures but as time moves on i dont want her as much or even consider going back. If she's that flakes and breaks up over something like this and ur gonna hav new challenges as times moves forward imagine the next time if it's something more challenging she'll be gone. Mine im angry now she had all these issues always problem from her end and she'd guilt trip me about breaking up wen things got hard yet wen everything was ok again for her I was history. These are bat **** crazy woman. U can't trust her she doesn't consider how you feel anymore dude I know it's hard but it's probably for the best she's crossed a line and done too much damage and the key thing here is there's no indication she wants to come back. It's up to u u can give it ur best shot and then go NC if it makes u feel more at peace. Keep us posted would be interested to see how it turns out if u do pursue her. I don't think it makes any differwnce in the grand scheme of things accept that u may get hurt if u try and chase. I just think personally from wat i read she cheated that's a big reason to leave
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Thank you for your response. I am 25 and my ex is 23. We bought a house together 7 months ago and were very set on starting a young family, however things got worse with our own personal lives shortly after. I understand why she cheated on me as I have done a similar thing in the past, difference being I regretted it and went chasing a few months later - something I'm not expecting from my ex as she is very stubborn. I agreee with untrustworthy however I never had the incling that she would cheat on me because she was so happy, and I do believe that if we got back together and she was happy I could trust her again. With regards to our age, I understand what you're saying however it was all she wanted from life, a young family home and she was always pleased that she had found someone who wanted the same so I'm not sure that part scared her off. In many ways I think essentially she wasn't happy, got some attention somewhere else and thought the grass was greener...the hardest part is that it was external factors that split us up, not something either of us had done or could control. I think that's why I can still see a future with this girl because our lives and relationship were so happy, we just failed as people when something big had hit us. This is simply not true. She was in control of her behaviour and she made a conscious choice to cheat. There is a never a good reason to take that route. You're being too "understanding" about that. What I see is you trying to justify her bad behaviour, and I get it. I've been there too. It hurts when your loved one is attracted to someone else and pursues that attraction. I understand she told you she wants a young family but her actions now indicate that she's not really ready for all of that. Her choice to end the relationship rather than try to ask for your forgiveness and work at the problems is all the information you need about her current frame of mind. All you can do is believe her that she doesn't wish to be together anymore, I'm afraid. I was exactly her age when I left my then-boyfriend of 5 years, for the reasons I stated earlier. She was only 18 when you started dating, and the truth is that most people don't wind up with the people they dated as very young adults. You simply grow and change and want to explore. I think your best bet is to begin accepting that it's over. Maybe someday she will come back, but it's no guarantee. If you make a commitment to yourself to move forward, you'll be in a better emotional place soon, regardless of what the future holds for you two.
Been Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Your young so I'm going to give you a bit of advice. DO NOT EVER take back a cheater. That is the ultimate sign of having NO respect for you. And if you take themback you have shown them that you have no respect for yourself. The trust will never be the same. I know you think it could but I'm telling you from experience it won't. And without trust a relationship is doomed. And you know what I've seen?Somewhere down the line the one that cheated does it again.
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