annalilian26 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Hi all, a pretty long and detailed post ahead so I appreciate your time! Two years ago I was in a 7 year relationship from the age of 17 to 24. Prior to this partner, I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a guy from 15 to 17 years of age. The partner of 7 years and I were very compatible in that we rarely argued, had so much in common and were the best of friends. Not only that, this guy is honestly the most kindest, fun and awesome human I have ever met in my life. After the first 2 years of the relationship I felt the spark had died, however I felt that this was normal due to the honey moon period being over and although I did not feel sexually attracted to him, I stayed in this relationship and was content with a substandard sex life as the quality of the relationship made up for it. He began drinking a lot and things between us became challenging as he did not enjoy doing things together as a couple anymore (i.e., going out, socialising, outdoor activities, etc). These factors, along with me having depression caused a lot of tension in the last year so we took a break. A week into the break he ended it as he said he had fallen out of love. After the breakup we kept a lengthy distance for several months and once the dust had settled we slowly became good friends. Although some might critique this, we had gone through so much together and the bond we shared made us like family, so it felt almost impossible for us to remove each other from each other's lives permanently. About a year after we broke up he confessed that he had major regrets about ending it and begged for me to take him back for a number of months. l was in a dark place due to mental health issues, work-stress, heart break from more recent dating experiences and I had also discovered this new found independence and ability to know myself outside the context of a relationship so I didn't feel ready to go back. Not only that, I couldn't help but think of his drinking and the lack of spark could become problems which would not only sacrifice a new relationship but the friendship we had worked so hard on keeping after breaking up. I have dated a lot and seriously only met total *******s. Although I have been having the best sex of my life, not one man has come close to showing any of the kind and gentlemanly attributes of my ex partner but I've tried to convince myself that it can happen again, I just have to hang in there and be open to different people/opportunities. This year he finally accepted us not getting back together. Anyway, last week he told me that he has a new girlfriend and that she is a lovely, kind person and he is the happiest I have seen him in so long. I was over the moon for him because I knew he was lonely and I wanted him to meet someone who was good to him. However, this intense regret for rejecting his request to get back together last year has hit me hard this week and I have not been able to stop thinking that maybe I totally screwed up by not giving it another chance and lost the opportunity to be with the guy who was the love of my life all along. To make it worse, all these negative dating experiences I've recently had have made me worried that this guy was a total rarity and that no one could love me and treat me the way he did. Yesterday I reached out and told him how I felt but he said that it was too late as he has moved on and is happy in his new relationship, which is totally fair enough and we agreed to take some time apart like we did after the break up and speak once the dust has settled. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice/words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated 1
GunslingerRoland Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I think what you are feeling is normal given the situation. You are alone, and he's now off limits. But your relationship wasn't good and you broke up for many good reasons. He isn't the only nice guy in the world... keep your expectations where they need to be. 1
Silverstring Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 The big win for you is the part where you got to know yourself outside of a relationship instead of just being a person who is defined by being part of a couple. The other big win is getting experience in dating jerks. Believe it or not this will pay dividends down the road. You are beginning to figure out your own core values and what is important to you in a partner. The error in your thinking is thinking he was maybe "the one". That doesn't exist. As you begin to hone what you're looking for you will get closer to finding that meaningful, long term relationship that you're looking for. Good luck! 1
SevenCity Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Ask yourself this: would you feel regret if you met someone with all his good qualities AND great sex / no alcohol? The reason you regret is because you haven't found anyone better. That's not to say you will, but it doesn't mean that he was right for you. I spoke with a woman who regretted cheating on a guy and him leaving her as a result - 30 years ago. He just passed away and she was devistated. She admits it's because she never found anyone who had his qualities that makes it so difficult.
Sweetfish Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Ask yourself this: would you feel regret if you met someone with all his good qualities AND great sex / no alcohol? The reason you regret is because you haven't found anyone better. That's not to say you will, but it doesn't mean that he was right for you. I spoke with a woman who regretted cheating on a guy and him leaving her as a result - 30 years ago. He just passed away and she was devistated. She admits it's because she never found anyone who had his qualities that makes it so difficult. Sevencity.. i agree with you. However, the O.P. was honest and transparent. She fully understood the spark was lost and in the relationship and valued it beyond butterflies. The boyfriend was complacent and took the girlfriend for granted. As usual like i've stated before, it takes women to reflect a lot longer then men on average. The man will usually process the relationship a lot faster and move on and she will be too late. Women have to experience going thru a bunch of relationships or experiences to finally see because they will shut down from a previous relationship "dark place" The O.P. took the time to learn about her self and date. I've seen men and women jump into a new relationship and not reflect at all or learn or come to a forum like this. As another poster said.. "the One" does not exist. Except your fate and keep looking... there are other great people out there. 1
Toby77 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 (edited) If you're unlucky, you'll never find anyone better and will continue to beat yourself up about it. If you meet someone better, you'll forget about him. Time is on your side though. Also, your ex may get bored with his new girl and start to miss you. He's happy now but doesn't really know her. If/When they break up, and if by then you still want him, maybe you'll get a new shot at it. Regrets suck; could've, should've, would'ves. Sorry you're going through this. Edited May 7, 2017 by Toby77
Whodatdog Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I dont think its unusual to not really want someone until someone else comes in the picture. Its very likely that had he not gotten a new girlfriend, you'd continue dating other guys and keep him as a friend. Seems like we always want what we can't have. 1
Toby77 Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I dont think its unusual to not really want someone until someone else comes in the picture. Its very likely that had he not gotten a new girlfriend, you'd continue dating other guys and keep him as a friend. Seems like we always want what we can't have. True that! OP: You said you had "the best sex of your life" life with other guys and were "over the moon for him" for having a new girlfriend. Try to get back into that mindset.
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