jacksonbrown33 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Hey Everyone! First, I want to give some encouragement to those of you who may be going through a breakup at the moment. I last logged on to this site on Christmas Day of 2014, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 4 years earlier that Summer. I was in an awful spot... Depressed, stuck, couldn't sleep, etc. As bad as it was, I started going to therapy, focused on me, outlined clear goals, etc... and after about a year or so, I was over it. It will get better. Hang in there! Since my last breakup I've date A LOT (+20) of women, none of which I saw as real LT partners until recently. I have been seeing someone for about 3 months and she's amazing in every way. I think I'm in love with her, but am not sure. Anyway, she is unhappy in her career and is interviewing for new jobs all around the country. I knew this going in though hoping that she would stick around and just changes jobs locally. The weekend before last, things changed abruptly... She started being distant, was always "busy" or needed "quiet time" when I asked her to do things, and has since been very distant and not very communicative with me. She's also really ramped up her job search and seems dead set on moving. My guess - She decided she needs a change in her life and wants to move. The reality of her getting a job and moving away has set in and she's decided she can't be in a relationship. That said, she has not verbalized this to me to I've got a ton of anxiety right now. FYI - I've told her that I would consider moving with her and she was open and excited about the idea in the beginning (we first discussed this about a month ago), but given that she hasn't been open in the past couple of weeks, I'm guess she doesn't want me to be a part of her life moving forward. So, I think I have two options: 1) Lay It On the Line: Tell her I want her to stick around and don't want her to leave. This may force her to tell me she feels like she needs to move (for "a change") or she may decide to find something locally. 2) End It: Breakup with her all together. What do you guys think? Any suggestions on how to handle? Thanks!
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Don't relocate for somebody you have known for 90 days. If you want to live elsewhere move, but don't move for her. At this point, this woman is unhappy & uncertain about her career. She has a ton of very real pressures, not the least of which may be financial. You are some guy she barely knows who claims he is having anxiety over her pending decisions & treatment of you. Rubbish. She shouldn't be this important to you yet. You haven't even known her for 6 months. You are waaaayyyyy too invested. Back off. As for laying it on the line, do what you think is best but if some guy I knew for 3 months was pressuring me for a commitment, I'd run. It's waayy to early to talk about anything beyond exclusivity. If he did it knowing I was in the middle of genuine turmoil, I'd run faster. If you hope to maintain some contact with her, establish and LDR & then gradually think about finding yourself a job where she ends up & relocating in the future -- at least a year from now -- power down & don't pressure this poor woman who already has enough stress in her life. If you pile on, this will end badly for you because you will come across as completely insensitive & selfish.
Author jacksonbrown33 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 While we've only been dating for about 3 months, we've known each other much longer than 90 days (more like a few years), but I get your point. We've also had some heavy conversations already, which I view as a positive and sign that there is real LT potential. Also, to be clear, she's the one who brought up the topic of me being a part of her decision making process re: moving and career, not me. I have been nothing but supportive to date and have not displayed any type of anxiety to her at all. Is it not fair to want clarity? I have anxiety because I don't want to lose her. If she wants to move and not be with, that's fine... Just tell me. That's all I'm asking.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Express your fear to her. Be vulnerable but sweet. Something like: I want you to find what you're looking for & what makes you happy. But you make me happy & whatever happens I want to make sure we're still part of each others lives. Don't ask her to make decisions. Talk to her.
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