Mkn1010 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 So firstly, I'm not big on online dating, hate it in fact. I had OKC for half a day and then deleted it. While on it, I got a lot of messages that I ignored aside from one guy who I exchanged numbers with before deleting it. We have been talking for about two weeks, he is interstate at the moment ...more on that below! He messaged me while in my state and in his profile was very open about how he has a son and is separated from his wife. Now, that's a red flag for me as he confirmed that he's not yet divorced, only separated for 7 months, but we clicked as friends so I don't mind chatting to him. So anyway he was down here visiting his son (who is 9 months old), and that's how we got acquainted before he went back to his home state after that weekend. In our initial texts he told me that he's going to be moving back to my state soon (so he can see his son more as his ex unilaterally relocated here without his consent), they're both originally from here so no big deal, he's been interstate for the last couple of years for work. After a week of messaging, he rang me on a Saturday night and we have a 5 hour, very deep phone conversation. He actually told me all about the separation, where he's at, that he sees a counsellor etc etc he was extremely open and is very pleasant yet indifferent about talking about his ex. And I think he sounds very emotionally intelligent, like no one I've ever chatted to and so I kind of fear him too as I tend to have a fear of being manipulated (past experience with this). He also admitted to being a social chameleon and can get anyone to like him. We connected very deeply on the call though and then continued to text each other over the next few days. He's always been a bit slow with texting, usually replying half a day or more later and the times he is very slow, he'll call me for a chat. Which is strange anyway as we've never met. But he does often say he's been 'crazy busy' (which sounds like a line) and the like as to why his replies are delayed. His messages always have a lot of content in them, they are pretty long and he seems to ask meaningful questions. However, in one of recent our phone chats he said he wasn't "averse" to moving back to my state when he originally had said he WAS moving back. I also can't do any social media stalking of him as he said he hates FB and Instagram and all that (which I like about him IF he's not hiding something). He also said he has a "good feeling" about me. I told him I was really sus on why he isn't just pursuing someone is his own state and he said he has been, and has been dating but hasn't clicked with anyone. He also said that I'm over-thinking things and we should just meet and see if we get along and we may connect as friends or something more. (I've always been leaning more towards friends until such time as this dude is officially divorced personally). He said he'll been down in a few weeks again to visit his son, so he asked me to have dinner with him then and gave me the date, to which I said cool. Anyway, one of the alarm bells was yesterday when he didn't text me back from lunchtime until late that night but mentioned in his text that his work day was very quiet...is this game playing? He then asked me last night if I'd come to his state to go hiking with him (we'd been talking about our mutual love for hiking previously and he had sent me photos of the one near his place). And he was like "come on, be spontaneous, just book a flight". I just put a quizzical face emoji and left it at that as I thought we already discussed dinner to happen HERE in MY home turf. Then he messaged me this morning as usual and I replied about an hour later and once again nothing from him since about 8 hours ago. Yes, he may be at work but he didn't bother replying on lunch etc. So hit me, is this guy massively dodgey? The other post on here with the long distance dude just got me really concerned.
GemmaUK Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 No idea if he is dodgy but I'm like you - wouldn't want to get involved with someone who is not yet divorced. It seems an very short separation period and with a very young child involved. Counselling or not. I therefore would treat this just as friends only, express that and also just stick with the meeting for dinner - if you want to still meet at that point. I wouldn't book a flight to go hiking in a different state for someone when he is going to be around my area soon enough - and not just for a friendship. 1
Author Mkn1010 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Oh yeah, I'm not actually considering the hike in his state, that was always a no. Just don't want to waste time even getting to know him if he is some kind of player/master manipulator or sociopath or something.
OatsAndHall Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 To be blunt, you haven't really described many positives in this situation. He lives out of state and may or may not be moving back. He isn't divorced yet and seven months is honestly a long time to be separated without divorce paperwork being filed. And, he has a young son involved. He may end up being a nice guy but you could be involved in an LDR with a guy who will be going through a divorce and traveling consistently to see his son. That's not generally the makings of a good, stable, relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 You went online half a day only then pick for yourself a man living out of state, barely out of a relationship, still married and father of a 9 month old!! And that's the man you pick to connect with?? Connecting is a voluntary act. It's not because we mesh well with someone that they are good for us. Put your heart aside and be a little more cerebral here. He's got bad news written all over him 9
Popsicle Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I agree with Gaeta. You can do better. Please do better. Forget about this dude. 3
Titanll Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 To be blunt...why are you still talking to him? He could be next in line to be Pope but you seem to be convinced he's bad news. Why bother? 1
O'Malley Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Some texts, phone conversations and asking you to come visit him - I wouldn't consider that much effort. Why are you putting so much time into daily texting and talking with a stranger? If you develop a connection with someone over a few intial exchanges, great, meet up for coffee and forego the daily conversations unless and until you meet. You might find him interesting, but he's not going to be able to move on from his marriage until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Edited May 3, 2017 by O'Malley
kendahke Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Too much for someone you've yet to meet in person. He's messy. He needs to clean up his mess before dating anyone.
Dis Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Hey girl! So first red flag (as you mentioned) he's only been seperated for 7 months. He cant have had processed and healed from his marriage in that short time. Plus he's not even divorced yet Second, his son is only 8 months old? He's fresh out of that whole mess and with a very young child? Ehhhh... Some of the things he says makes me think this guy is in love with being in love. Like saying he has a good feeling about you, calls you frequently, talks to you on the phone for hours, tells you to book a flight to see him...and you guys havent even met yet! He could be a love bomber... he sounds like one He's also a little inconsistent. Is he moving back home? Is he not? Are you guys meeting for dinner or are you booking a flight to see him first? I know you're open to just being friends but you cant help what you feel after things progress and you get attached Despite this cynical review...I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt because no one or no relationship is perfect but this guy... Is sketchy 1
Author Mkn1010 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Thank you everyone for your responses!! Just a note, while I agree with most of your points regarding his circumstances, here in Australia you MUST wait until you're separated for 12 months until you are eligible for divorce, he has already engaged a lawyer in readiness for that (and I was a divorce lawyer for 5 years so I know this process pretty well haha.. this is also probably why we get along, I tend to be drawn to messy situations as I'm a 'save the world' type :/). Anyway, I know this is messy and unconventional and talking daily before meeting is not advisable. And so I'm just going to wait until he's here and then see what happens. I'm not looking to really date at the moment with any effort so I'm just getting to know him and I'm glad that he's got a lot going on at the moment as I generally am friends with people first for a long while until (or IF) it becomes romantic anyway. Unfortunately, I have become a slight commitment-phobic type after a very bad long term relationship and I am also more drawn in by scenarios with logistical or circumstantial difficulties because it feels less scary if it's not moving quickly right in my face. But that's my bag!! There's nothing I can really do about it. I've tried therapy, all kinds of self help, read a ton about it and allowed myself nearly 3 years to move on. I'm pretty aware of my problems and I suppose I just accept them! And finally I just want to say that life is far from perfect and I really never get a long with those that have had a pretty straight-forward or 'easy' ride so to speak. We nothing to relate to one another about. The fact that he has a baby and is going to be going through a divorce doesn't bother me (probably for the reasons I mentioned above lol). I bring a ton of baggage into my future relationships so I'm not judging.
Author Mkn1010 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Hey girl! So first red flag (as you mentioned) he's only been seperated for 7 months. He cant have had processed and healed from his marriage in that short time. Plus he's not even divorced yet Second, his son is only 8 months old? He's fresh out of that whole mess and with a very young child? Ehhhh... Some of the things he says makes me think this guy is in love with being in love. Like saying he has a good feeling about you, calls you frequently, talks to you on the phone for hours, tells you to book a flight to see him...and you guys havent even met yet! He could be a love bomber... he sounds like one He's also a little inconsistent. Is he moving back home? Is he not? Are you guys meeting for dinner or are you booking a flight to see him first? I know you're open to just being friends but you cant help what you feel after things progress and you get attached Despite this cynical review...I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt because no one or no relationship is perfect but this guy... Is sketchy Thank you!! I completely agree that he's probably love bombing hard! I'm definitely not getting romantically invested/interested anytime soon. I'm a slow-burn type so he can try all he wants with that but I'm keeping this in the friend-zone until I know him a lot more and until (IF) I think he's sorted out his stuff! 1
Author Mkn1010 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Some texts, phone conversations and asking you to come visit him - I wouldn't consider that much effort. Why are you putting so much time into daily texting and talking with a stranger? If you develop a connection with someone over a few intial exchanges, great, meet up for coffee and forego the daily conversations unless and until you meet. You might find him interesting, but he's not going to be able to move on from his marriage until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. I find this post interesting... in the first line you say that some texts, phone convos etc don't equate to much effort and then you ask me why I'm putting "so much time" into daily texting and talking with a stranger? If it's not that much effort for him, then it's not that much effort for me right?? I'm confused. And yeah why would he be required to put in any more effort for a stranger than I would? Just curious!
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