next? This is seriously caving my head in..

[billford]

I started dating my online friend around December of 2015, and everything was beyond perfect. We both were not in school at the time, so sometimes we'd skype for over 24 hours; we were inseparable. The only hurdle we had to cross over was the distance, she lived in Massachusetts and I live in California. Distance didnt matter because he more I got to know her, the more I loved everything she had to say or did, I was falling in love with this girl. She has issues including being bi-polar, she has a light case of schizophrenia, she used to harm herself and slice her thighs and arms, she has trichotillomania and a skin picking disorder. I didn't care though, because I loved her. After about 3 months after dating her, I started asking questions about her previous relationships. She was being so secretive which got me even more curious, so I would bug her to give me answers. Turned out, she was raped by her ex who was under house arrest (she always had to go to him for it to happen, and it went on for a year and a half, she cheated on him twice with his friends and would herself around for weed. I slowly began to judge her and ask her "why didn't you do that instead of this?", it would consume me to know the girl who I was dating, would do such a thing. With me, she was perfect; polite, sweet and kind, she never did anything wrong to me until after the relationship ended, which is understandable. Thinking about her past would consume me to the point where I wouldn't want to talk to her all day. I wouldn't tell her who I was with, or where I had gone to (I never cheated on her, but sometimes did consider leaving). My neglect of her went on for most of the last half of our relationship, until one day she said that if I didn't stop judging her, and accepting of her past, she'd leave me. I tried to change, but couldn't..

 

The first time she decided to leave me, we still remained friend for about two weeks. After that, we started dating again. At this point in time, I had a job and was working to go see her. One day, I came home from work a little late because I gave my friend a ride home. She wasn't too happy, and believed I was with a girl and had cheated on her. I didn't bother arguing with her so I went to bed. The next morning, I ignored her "good morning" messages, and she then called me and said that she has had enough and is leaving me. I told her if she were to leave, I wouldn't want to talk to her ever again. She was crying, but she knew that I was causing her too much emotional damage and left. As a couple of days went by, I messaged saying that I missed her and she ignored me. I call her, and she doesn't pick up. I start to freak out, I had talked about marriage with this girl, having kids with her and wanting to do all these amazing things once we'd meet up. I was losing my mind, and couldn't believe she was gone. She started dating one of her exes a week after leaving me. She would tell me how he accepts her for who she is, and he is much better than I am and is an upgrade over me.

 

We try to remain friends, but I have a hard time only being her friend, because I wanted so much more, and I wasn't sure if she did. 3 months go by and she breaks up with the new guy. A month after that she starts to message me, saying how much she really likes me, and has never felt what she feels towards me towards anyone else. At this point, I have a girlfriend, but I fall for her trap. I tell her how much I had missed her, and how much my mind is occupied with thoughts of her. She quickly loses interest in me after that and says that everything feels forced, so we tone things down. She always tries to make me jealous by telling me how much of a crush she has on her co-workers, she knows that makes me jealous. It was so hard to know these things, because I was(am?) still obsessed with this girl. I believe that she is my soulmate and I am under the impression that I wont ever find someone like her.

 

As of a little over a month ago, her and I had been chatting every single day and kept good conversations flowing. She'd sometimes say "good night", or would tell me that she hopes I have a good day at work. I felt as if she was getting comfortable with me again.

 

April 25, 2017 was the date that my father was visiting family in Pennsylvania, so I tagged along with the intention of finally meeting up with this girl. I wanted to surprise her, and see how she'd react. Fast forward and I am in a rental car outside her house and that is when I give her a call and have a small conversation with her. She's so friendly to me, and we have a little conversation. A couple minutes go by, and I tell her that I was in her city, and that I was close to her house if she wanted to meet-up, she accepts. I step out of my car, and tell her to come outside, we make eye contact for the first time ever. It was special to me, because of how much I still liked her. She runs up to me in such shock, she is so happy to see me and is hugging me and touching me all over as if it were a dream to her. She grabs my hand and we go out for a walk around her neighborhood. We're walking down the street and she cant stop staring at me and smiling. She grabs my hand and kisses it, and tells me how I am absolutely everything she thought I would be. We continue to walk and she stops me suddenly and stares into my eyes and gets on her tippy toes and goes in for a kiss; we kissed, and it was amazing. She couldn't stop kissing me, hugging me or touching me. She asked me if I wanted to have sex twice and even suggested we have sex inside my car, and I said I wasn't ready. I felt special, I felt like this could actually work. It gets late, and she decides to head back in. I was the happiest I had ever been, and it seemed like she was too. When I got to my hotel, she had messaged me "you're absolutely amazing:, "I feel like I just met my favorite celebrity", she was happier than I expected her to be.

 

I get to my bed and decide to call her. I was super excited and my hopes were out the roof. We chat for 20 or so minutes and I ask her if she'd like to grab a bite the following day, she declines saying "I don't want to date anyone currently, because I am focusing on school" (she had mentioned before that she had gone on dates with co-workers before, so I was confused). She said that she didn't want a relationship currently. I reply with "that's okay, we're just going to get food, just as friends" and her replied with a "maybe". I was a little sad and she could hear it in my tone so she suggested that I visit her at work the following day and she'll give me free ice cream. The following day, around 8 pm, I decide to drop by and say hi. The ice cream shop is packed, there is a waiting line. As soon as she sees me and makes eye contact, she has this sour look on her face, I begin to wonder what was wrong. I see that the guy she has a crush on is there. When it's my turn to order, I ask her to give me her favorite scoops, and she does. We go to the cash register and we smile at each other and I ask her if I may take her to her house after work and she replies with "you're not taking me home!!", she yells it and customers stare at us. I walk out the door, and im very confused and sad. I decided to go back to my motel and get some rest. As im trying to get some rest she messages me asking me if I liked the ice cream, I was confused. We have a chat and I ask if I may call, she accepts. I call her and I ask her why she had yelled at me and she says "IM ING MAD THAT YOU'RE IN THE SAME STATE AS ME, IM MAD THAT YOU VISITED ME AT WORK AND RANDOMLY SHOWED UP TO MY HOUSE, IM MAD THAT YOU"RE STILL TRYING TO FORM A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. IM DONE WITH YOU, I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. ITS OVER, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND YOU BLEW IT, ACCEPT IT. YOU NEED TO GO HOME, I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN. IF I SEE YOU EVER AGAIN, IM CALLING THE COPS. DONT SHOW UP TO MY HOUSE AND DONT SHOW UP TO MY WORK." I was shocked, what had gotten into her? What had I done wrong? Everything was going so well.. I left her city, confused. I'm not sure if I should give up at this point, I'd do anything for this girl. Nothing seems to put me off? I still like her and can never seem to hate her. Is it time to just stop trying? What if she messages me and apologized to me, what should I do? I am so confused as to how she changed her mind so quickly..

[d0nnivain]

You knew going into this that she had not one but two diagnosis of mental illness. She's bipolar & you said she has a "light case of schizophrenia". There is no such thing in the DSM-5 Somebody either is schizophrenic or they are not. There are no grades of severity & this is a very serious & rare mental disorder. Despite that diagnosis you seem surprised that her mood changed on a dime.

 

 

Your bicoastal relationship wasn't real until you met. When you met, the second thing she did was tell you she wants no part of this.

 

 

I'm so sorry that you hoped & dreamed all these years. I'm doubly sorry that you went through the efforts to meet. Sadly, this was a predictable outcome given her mental conditions. It really has very little to do with you, but going forward, chose more carefully.

[MoreThanThat]

Visiting her at work was likely a set-up to have witnesses for her freakout session. This is par for the course with schizophrenics.

 

Move on.

[act00]

The first mistake was pressing her into giving up details on her past relationships. There are things we know as we progress through life: People have had sex. People have participated in "party enhancers." People have made poor choices. People have been blindsided by bad people. People have bumped uglies. People have fallen in love. People have been infatuated. People have had one-night-stands...the list goes on. Do you really need to know every detail? Is it truly necessary? You pushed her for details and then judged her and blew her off in quick succession.

 

What really pisses me off about you is that she shared with you an extremely traumatic event in her life and then you blew her off because of it.

 

You ASKED and FORCED these details!!

 

What about your past? Would you be happy someone judged you as harshly, especially after they pressed you for details?

 

THEN you ambushed her at her home and work. I get surprising her, but I don't think you knew her well enough at any point to consider this a good idea. You come across as quite the stalker.

 

She has a laundry list of mental disorders. You have accepted these fully while judging her on past relationships of which you demanded details on and then judged her harshly for, including ignoring her. Do you not GET that some of her poor decisions are BECAUSE of bipolar?

 

People with that high level of mental disorders are extremely delicate. She cut you off because you are bad for her. She knows it.

 

How dare you demand she shares intimate details with you, judge her harshly when she shares upon YOUR pressure, and then ignore her for it. Then you press on a so-called relationship with her, but damn if her past isn't a constant issue, and then you show up at her house and her job?? Unannounced and unplanned??

 

You are hitting every single check-box of what NOT to do.

 

A lot of this is creepy weird, on your part.

 

Don't do it again.

 

Do not contact her again.

 

That ship sailed...done...over.

 

You are coming across as so creepy-weird, I think you need therapy. Instead of wondering what to do with this girl, I think you should be wondering about your schedule and finances and how you're going to see a pshrink.

[GemmaUK]

The first mistake was pressing her into giving up details on her past relationships. There are things we know as we progress through life: People have had sex. People have participated in "party enhancers." People have made poor choices. People have been blindsided by bad people. People have bumped uglies. People have fallen in love. People have been infatuated. People have had one-night-stands...the list goes on. Do you really need to know every detail? Is it truly necessary? You pushed her for details and then judged her and blew her off in quick succession.

 

What really pisses me off about you is that she shared with you an extremely traumatic event in her life and then you blew her off because of it.

 

You ASKED and FORCED these details!!

 

What about your past? Would you be happy someone judged you as harshly, especially after they pressed you for details?

 

THEN you ambushed her at her home and work. I get surprising her, but I don't think you knew her well enough at any point to consider this a good idea. You come across as quite the stalker.

 

She has a laundry list of mental disorders. You have accepted these fully while judging her on past relationships of which you demanded details on and then judged her harshly for, including ignoring her. Do you not GET that some of her poor decisions are BECAUSE of bipolar?

 

People with that high level of mental disorders are extremely delicate. She cut you off because you are bad for her. She knows it.

 

How dare you demand she shares intimate details with you, judge her harshly when she shares upon YOUR pressure, and then ignore her for it. Then you press on a so-called relationship with her, but damn if her past isn't a constant issue, and then you show up at her house and her job?? Unannounced and unplanned??

 

You are hitting every single check-box of what NOT to do.

 

A lot of this is creepy weird, on your part.

 

Don't do it again.

 

Do not contact her again.

 

That ship sailed...done...over.

 

You are coming across as so creepy-weird, I think you need therapy. Instead of wondering what to do with this girl, I think you should be wondering about your schedule and finances and how you're going to see a pshrink.

 

Excellent post!

 

All I will add is that when you turned up at her door you seriously put her on the spot and from your previous behaviour she was too fearful to do anything other than go along with it - even in an over the top way so as not to anger you in anyway.

 

Right after that she was incredibly clear she didn't want to see you but you turned up at her work AS WELL!!!??

 

Leave her alone, she has had enough trauma in her life, she doesn't need any more, and certainly not from you. She knows this. This is why she took the opportunity to go public - she has witnesses - to a guy from online who is turning up at her house and work and appearing to be obsessed and stalker like.