Reaching out sure seems to work for the exes rebounds get dumped for

May 2, 2017

I keep reading stories of people getting dumped in favor of an ex WHO BROKE NC. These aren't exes who were the dumpERs either.

I childishly bluff-dumped my ex of 6yrs who spent the whole 6yrs virtually begging me to propose to her. I was extremely stressed with work and just wanted to scare her into cutting me slack. I now know how absurdly juvenile this was. She chased me for two weeks until she met a very young, vacuous rebound that she went full-bore commitment with, moving in together & talking about marriage with after a week. People were already concerned about her before she started dressing him up to look like me. That was pretty weird. It was clear she wanted a perfect version of me she could control. She lives from fear and is desperate for control. About once a month for the first four months with him she either told me or friends that she's miserable.

Anyway, here it is nine months later and she's still with him. We haven't seen each other in 8 months. I haven't heard from her in a month since I asked her to stop contacting me (once a month telling me she misses me, asking how I'm doing, what state/country I'm living in, expressing hope we can be friends someday, etc.), unless she'd actually like to see me. I decided to go full NC FOR EVER. But here I am reading about all kinds of exes being taken back by simply reaching out. I adore this woman and want her back rather badly. I easily meet and date women everyone thinks are prettier but she's damn near perfect to me.

Anyway, my life looks awesome from the outside but I'm absolutely miserable without her and it's not getting any better. I'm no less hurting than day one.

May 3, 2017

It's so weird when exes get someone that looks like you. What's weirder is when they do it 20 years later. What's even weirder than that is when the new person also acts like you, walks like you, has some of your mannerisms. What's even weirder than that is when they do it when they're still married to the rebound they married scant months after you broke up with them.

Yes, it's kind of pathologic. This happened to me. When I broke up with him his high school sweetheart divorce wasn't final yet, and he was spending more time than necessary dividing his stuff up with her. Once I made him take his stuff out of my apartment, then he immediately moved in a woman who'd been chasing him from out of state, a client. Married her within some few months. I didn't keep up at the time.

20 years later, I go to a gig the old crowd would be at, and his old band was playing and a couple others, like a reunion gig. Well, he's still married to the really crazy looking and unkempt rebound (and still is to this day) but his new "assistant" got introduced to me and I noticed she looked very much like myself in earlier days and walked that way too, and she actually came right up to me and said "I'm the new you." It was clear she had been told all about me, and not all bad things. How he was getting away with that with his rebound wife is a mystery since she shoots daggers at me the rare occasion I've been in the same vicinity. She always knew he rejected her first so he could date me (once he and the wife decided to separate). He and I had been friends for some years, and that's all. And that's how it should have stayed.

Yeah, I don't believe in coincidences like that. So maybe she'll come back around, but I'm telling you right now, there will be too much resentment on one side or the other to delude yourself into thinking you can just erase what happened. You can't ever just go back and have it be the same. Trust issues, resentment. But here's hoping you just find someone better suited.

May 3, 2017

This is interesting. Most rebound stories I hear (of people that are the rebound) don't specify if it's an ex or not.

Irregardless, I still kind of agree with the stages of grief for a dumper. It really depends, imo, if NC is implemented, and how much the dumper wanted you to remain in their life.

People make decisions on the *NOW* rather than the future. I don't think dumpers truly expect their dumpee to just walk away and heal. This is why breadcrumbs are common, and why dumpers constantly will stalk their dumpees through social media and such, and get frustrated/emotional when the dumpee accepts the breakup and removes them/blocks them to move on.

Unless your ex is a narcissist like mine, and they are a "normal" human being, and they dumped you but didn't want you to disappear, I do think they will miss you. We shouldn't think that way because it prolongs the healing process, but if you were a good SO, they will miss you. You just have to let that happen. Sometimes it takes months or years. Unfortunately the toughest part besides the initial month, is about 3 months after the breakup and you start accepting they aren't coming back. Then people start to crack. Just my theory.

Idk who my ex is dating, but I have a suspicion, and if that's true, he looks a lot like me, and seems to be as empathetic as me. But those make good narc supply.

May 3, 2017

This is interesting. Most rebound stories I hear (of people that are the rebound) don't specify if it's an ex or not.

Irregardless, I still kind of agree with the stages of grief for a dumper. It really depends, imo, if NC is implemented, and how much the dumper wanted you to remain in their life.

People make decisions on the *NOW* rather than the future. I don't think dumpers truly expect their dumpee to just walk away and heal. This is why breadcrumbs are common, and why dumpers constantly will stalk their dumpees through social media and such, and get frustrated/emotional when the dumpee accepts the breakup and removes them/blocks them to move on.

Unless your ex is a narcissist like mine, and they are a "normal" human being, and they dumped you but didn't want you to disappear, I do think they will miss you. We shouldn't think that way because it prolongs the healing process, but if you were a good SO, they will miss you. You just have to let that happen. Sometimes it takes months or years. Unfortunately the toughest part besides the initial month, is about 3 months after the breakup and you start accepting they aren't coming back. Then people start to crack. Just my theory.

Idk who my ex is dating, but I have a suspicion, and if that's true, he looks a lot like me, and seems to be as empathetic as me. But those make good narc supply.

No, they don't miss you. Any thinking other than that will retard the healing process. And, this person cast you aside, why care what they think?

May 3, 2017

I understand your situation is rough, but there are dumpers that do miss their ex, believe it or not. You were a part of their life. You and I dated women with mental disabilities (if i recall your story correctly) that didn't give a damn about anything but themselves.

But yes I do agree, why give a damn. I don't care what my ex thinks of me. All I can do with that relationship is realize I did good, and got lucky to not have it proceed despite at the time I wanted it to.

May 3, 2017

I keep reading stories of people getting dumped in favor of an ex WHO BROKE NC. These aren't exes who were the dumpERs either.

YES, Ive been wondering about this too. Ive read several threads lately where people have said they were dumped by someone who was going back to their ex.

I feel for the person who was the rebound because being dumped sucks and they will probably become an ex that wants to get back with their ex too ...but I want to know how these other exes are getting back with previous exes... because apparently it happens.

If she was constantly reaching out to you, maybe she wanted you to fight for her. But dont take advise from me. Im coming from a place where I want to see everyone get back with the person they want to be with and big romantic gestures are real and work. But thats a fantasy, not reality.

I hope you get what you want though

Edited May 3, 2017 by SadEgg

May 3, 2017

I think it has to do with NC being long term, not some short term like 2 months. It seems most I've read have been about 7+ months of NC and they run into each other.

I'm also curious to how you know the dumper takes them back?

Remember the process is easier, but delayed for a dumper in some situations. SOME. They stop forgetting about the bad moments and start remembering the good.

May 3, 2017

Op, if you do contact her with the hopes of getting back with her be ready to marry her. I'll doubt she'll wait for another six years.

Maybe this is a case of wanting what you don't have.

May 3, 2017

I keep reading stories of people getting dumped in favor of an ex WHO BROKE NC. These aren't exes who were the dumpERs either.

I childishly bluff-dumped my ex of 6yrs who spent the whole 6yrs virtually begging me to propose to her. I was extremely stressed with work and just wanted to scare her into cutting me slack. I now know how absurdly juvenile this was. She chased me for two weeks until she met a very young, vacuous rebound that she went full-bore commitment with, moving in together & talking about marriage with after a week. People were already concerned about her before she started dressing him up to look like me. That was pretty weird. It was clear she wanted a perfect version of me she could control. She lives from fear and is desperate for control. About once a month for the first four months with him she either told me or friends that she's miserable.

Anyway, here it is nine months later and she's still with him. We haven't seen each other in 8 months. I haven't heard from her in a month since I asked her to stop contacting me (once a month telling me she misses me, asking how I'm doing, what state/country I'm living in, expressing hope we can be friends someday, etc.), unless she'd actually like to see me. I decided to go full NC FOR EVER. But here I am reading about all kinds of exes being taken back by simply reaching out. I adore this woman and want her back rather badly. I easily meet and date women everyone thinks are prettier but she's damn near perfect to me.

Anyway, my life looks awesome from the outside but I'm absolutely miserable without her and it's not getting any better. I'm no less hurting than day one.

In my case my ex's rebound is the complete opposite of me im surprised she went for him because loOKs are important to her lol he's fat and very ugly anyway I hav a bit of chuckle about it

May 3, 2017

Op, if you do contact her with the hopes of getting back with her be ready to marry her. I'll doubt she'll wait for another six years.

Maybe this is a case of wanting what you don't have.

I have had friends suspect this, and I have observed this phenomenon in myself in the past, but definitely NO, I absolutely loved every minute I spent with this woman. I've had many passionate relationships but this was for sure the first time I was ever truly 100% head over heels in love the entire time, and the feeling was absolutely mutual for the first couple years, then would go up and down in her based on things about my life she was highly frustrated with, mostly my constant travel and failure to "commit" (I felt totally committed).

Anyway, I am amazed by how my emotional state is so intensely impacted by whether or not I am hopeful that I can ever get her back. If I were to get so much as the meagerest breadcrumb from her right now, I'd spend days whistling and joyously going about my work thinking of all the personal projects and travels I look forward to.

But I won't. So I'll spend days and weeks reflecting on how all of my interests and joys actually suck, how my best days are behind me, and suffering constant suicide ideation (thinking about it despite that I'd never do it).

My life is hell.

May 3, 2017

I keep reading stories of people getting dumped in favor of an ex WHO BROKE NC. These aren't exes who were the dumpERs either.

I childishly bluff-dumped my ex of 6yrs who spent the whole 6yrs virtually begging me to propose to her. I was extremely stressed with work and just wanted to scare her into cutting me slack. I now know how absurdly juvenile this was. She chased me for two weeks until she met a very young, vacuous rebound that she went full-bore commitment with, moving in together & talking about marriage with after a week. People were already concerned about her before she started dressing him up to look like me. That was pretty weird. It was clear she wanted a perfect version of me she could control. She lives from fear and is desperate for control. About once a month for the first four months with him she either told me or friends that she's miserable.

Anyway, here it is nine months later and she's still with him. We haven't seen each other in 8 months. I haven't heard from her in a month since I asked her to stop contacting me (once a month telling me she misses me, asking how I'm doing, what state/country I'm living in, expressing hope we can be friends someday, etc.), unless she'd actually like to see me. I decided to go full NC FOR EVER. But here I am reading about all kinds of exes being taken back by simply reaching out. I adore this woman and want her back rather badly. I easily meet and date women everyone thinks are prettier but she's damn near perfect to me.

Anyway, my life looks awesome from the outside but I'm absolutely miserable without her and it's not getting any better. I'm no less hurting than day one.

I understand how you feel, but the idea that she would marry a guy in a matter of weeks is a RED flag. That means she values the essence of marriage more than the essence of you. (but on the flip side is she could be simply just jumping "tracks" and continuing the relationship she had with you with him in hind sight). If she was to marry you, its possible she will continue this CONTROL. I think its fair you should let her continue her current relationship as its unfair to turn-on and turn-off relationships at your convenience.

Now you have sellers remorse because you haven't got a relationship that equals your previous one.

What do you plan on doing?

Edited May 3, 2017 by Sweetfish

May 3, 2017

I understand how you feel, but the idea that she would marry a guy in a matter of weeks is a RED flag. That means she values the essence of marriage more than the essence of you. (but on the flip side is she could be simply just jumping "tracks" and continuing the relationship she had with you with him in hind sight). If she was to marry you, its possible she will continue this CONTROL. I think its fair you should let her continue her current relationship as its unfair to turn-on and turn-off relationships at your convenience.

Now you have sellers remorse because you haven't got a relationship that equals your previous one.

What do you plan on doing?

I definitely do not have seller's remorse. I have never, not for a split second in over six years, thought to myself "maybe I don't want to be with this woman." That can't honestly be said for even a landslide majority of perfectly happy couples.

My plan is to move forward with life and hope and pray to hear from her. I will never find a relationship to match it, so I'm screwed. Really, I know that sounds naïve, melodramatic and delusional, but this relationship followed a long string of relationships with amazing women that all of my friends envied me like crazy over. There had always been something in the back of my mind saying ("nope, not this one") until I met this woman.

I mentioned some faults but you'd never pick up on these to meet her. She comes off like a combination of a swimsuit model with a late night talk show host. Extremely charming.

I travel a lot. I'm all over the place, constantly in crowds, airports, universities, etc. I don't even *see from afar* women that could ever push my buttons the way she did. I doubt anyone would deny that she's more attractive than most 20-something movie stars. Even if I ever did meet such a woman, the likelihood of that woman being single, the likelihood of such a woman being interested in me, let alone having her fall head over heels in love with me, let alone all these things PLUS having the sexual and intellectual chemistry we had such that neither of us was ever bored in either way, the fact that we want the same things out of life, the chance of this happening is ZERO. And then there's the emotional attachment I have to have to her. I care about her a LOT. In other words, even if by some impossible miracle I could ever meet such a woman (literally impossible), I'm still emotionally invested into my ex.

So the reality is that my plan is to be miserable. I would certainly kill myself if not for (1) a tiny spot of hope I retain (2) my mother would be miserable for life (3) i have obligations as a father to a spoiled, rude bully teenage daughter who thinks she's a 25yo kardashian sister.

May 3, 2017

I definitely do not have seller's remorse. I have never, not for a split second in over six years, thought to myself "maybe I don't want to be with this woman." That can't honestly be said for even a landslide majority of perfectly happy couples.

My plan is to move forward with life and hope and pray to hear from her. I will never find a relationship to match it, so I'm screwed. Really, I know that sounds naïve, melodramatic and delusional, but this relationship followed a long string of relationships with amazing women that all of my friends envied me like crazy over. There had always been something in the back of my mind saying ("nope, not this one") until I met this woman.

I mentioned some faults but you'd never pick up on these to meet her. She comes off like a combination of a swimsuit model with a late night talk show host. Extremely charming.

I travel a lot. I'm all over the place, constantly in crowds, airports, universities, etc. I don't even *see from afar* women that could ever push my buttons the way she did. I doubt anyone would deny that she's more attractive than most 20-something movie stars. Even if I ever did meet such a woman, the likelihood of that woman being single, the likelihood of such a woman being interested in me, let alone having her fall head over heels in love with me, let alone all these things PLUS having the sexual and intellectual chemistry we had such that neither of us was ever bored in either way, the fact that we want the same things out of life, the chance of this happening is ZERO. And then there's the emotional attachment I have to have to her. I care about her a LOT. In other words, even if by some impossible miracle I could ever meet such a woman (literally impossible), I'm still emotionally invested into my ex.

So the reality is that my plan is to be miserable. I would certainly kill myself if not for (1) a tiny spot of hope I retain (2) my mother would be miserable for life (3) i have obligations as a father to a spoiled, rude bully teenage daughter who thinks she's a 25yo kardashian sister.

I dont know what to tell you. You dumped her and you want her back..

That sounds like sellers remorse.

The idea that you would kill your self if it werent for your mom and daughter should prompt you to talk to someone.

I too travel the world and understand what you mean.. with the airports, hotels and everything.

But you bluffed and she called you on your bluff.

Your only hope is to grow from your mistakes and maybe the relationship will frizzle and she too will grow.

May 4, 2017

Still waiting for examples of dumpees reaching out to a dumper and getting them back...

May 4, 2017

Yeah , resignate with a lot of your sentiments.

But first up , ex w rebound was nothing like me and nothing like her usual taste , it really surprised me, anyway she married the guy in 3yrs.

Personally l think it's coincidence if rebounds are like the ex because l dunno , how you gonna find someone like your ex, that is interested in a relationship ,or even marriage.

We've all been single , it's just not that easy.

But yeah , to find another, not talking about ex w although she was a gem for sure and there are things about her l would love to find in someone else.

But ex gf since my divorce.

l feel about her as you do yours. She's an absolute one off , there's no way now l'd ever find somebody close to her and all the feelings and buttons she set of for me.

Just loved her , everything about her , well almost , from the day we met.Looks , personality, - mostly, querks, passion , it all feels hopeless now, just hopeless.

But , sadly , she was also a bit of a narc maybe or some sort of disorder.

l'm wondering to if time apart will change those things in her , make her appreciated what we had too much .

Sometimes l think this stuff came out in her because she was hurt and angry too , because she felt like l wasn't committing to her too, she felt like l was stalling her. And l did a bit too because it was LD a lot of the time and her moving over was really complicated.

But , we've parted again now and l wonder what she'll end up in now too. Or of she broods like l feel and l hear from her down the track.

l feel like waiting too, because l know l won't find anyone else like her.

But if she went into something new , then that would have to be that for me.

So l hear every word your feeling.

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Reaching out sure seems to work for the exes rebounds get dumped for

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