What to expect next?

[klick09]

I am sorry about the long post, but I need to take this out.

I was with my ex fiancee for two years. It was very rocky from the beginning, but we had connection that neither one of us ever experienced. We were long distance for most part. I am sure I have some serious emotional issues from my early childhood. But, he is having some too. I was the only person he would open up to and tell his secrets. This is his profile: a very handsome, successful man in his early 30's, who is very attached to his mother, who cries when he says that he thinks his brother is more handsome than him and who went into pure rage (behind the closed door) when my uncle did not hug him when he saw us, but hugged me.

 

He tends to jump from one relationship into another, but has trouble committing. In our relationship, he was the best and the worst thing to me: he would take care of me, we traveled together, we would cry from happiness together....but....we would fight A LOT....I am not an angel, and I have my huge share in this break up. But, I think it was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on there: I deeply loved him and wanted to be with him, but some things were not clicking. He is a Muslim and I am from Europe, and from the day 1, his family was making comments that Western women leave easily (his dad asked if it runs in my family to divorce, since my parents are divorced). I have to say that with time, they became really nice to me (or so I thought), but it was always assumed that I will convert to Islam.

 

When we would fight, he would ALWAYS text other girls then tell me how they do not interest him, but he cannot be alone. We broke up in August last year, but after a month we decided to give it another shot and we rented a place in his country and...well, this is dumb I know....he wanted a dog so we got a dog together. I moved to his country for two months...and it was bad....Sure, with the little puppy, there were great things....but he was someone else....we fought....a lot....we even got physical and I had my neck squeezed quite a few times. The problem is, he would cry...a lot....and I would cry...and eventually, five days before Christmas, I left.

 

It was very cold, distant. It was a scene of defeat. He sent me an e-mail that he spent the whole night crying and thought I would take the cab back from the airport. He also said he would always love me.

 

Every two weeks or so he would send me a message if I want to take the dog because he does not want him anymore, and so on, and so on. I was so frustrated because I could not take the dog and I did not want him to kick the dog out. A month ago we talked on the phone, and he yelled and said he wants to move on with his life, but cannot because of the dog. Meanwhile, I started dating a guy who is really nice (a bit older than me), but really great, except...we do not click like my ex and I did. I told my ex I am dating someone, he then sent me an email asking for his diamond ring certificate and for me to legally abandon my ownership rights on the dog and send him the paperwork. I did, two weeks ago, and a week ago he sent me another email asking when he will get it....

 

My heart sinks every time I see his e-mail. A few days ago, my boyfriend proposed to me. After less than 2 months. I am nowhere ready, and I had some kind of break down so I called my ex two days ago and told him (maybe I hoped he would prevent me, save me, whatever). We cried. We cried a lot and he admitted that he never wanted to give away the dog and he used it as an excuse to contact me. That he misses me a lot and thinks of me but he would NEVER EVER go back to what we had, and I am not the one he wants to be with. I am now back in my depression phase. I contacted him today to tell him about the mail that was not delivered and they will have one last attempt tomorrow, and he was so cold and distant and told me to "wake up" because he does not want me in his life and to get married and be happy. He also said to not worry, he will never again cry for me like two days ago.

 

I want to say that prior to this week when my boyfriend proposed to me, I did not ONCE contact my ex first. For two months. He would always send these dog emails. I need help. I am sad. Depressed. I cannot get out of bed (again) after three months, and I had to turn down the proposal from my boyfriend because I am nowhere ready. I have this feeling that this time my ex would actually never get in touch with me again. I mean, he said that I should go get married and be happy, so I may as well let him believe that is what happened. Any advice on how to heal and never look back would be great. Thank you for your support.

Edited May 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LadyM]

My heart goes out to you. I don't know why we feel so attached to these men who create so much drama. I know I did.

 

You can be assured you will never find happiness in your life with this man loitering around. You think he will never contact you again, but he will. I know this sort of man. I am sure you have heard this before, but please consider having no further contact of any sort with this man. Don't give up one more day of your precious existence for this unstable, abusive man. Yes, unstable and abusive. You don't want that. Take the reins back and be in control of your life. Be strong. Be confident.

 

He will sap your strength away if you let him, but you're done with that. Grab your life back. Bring sanity back to your world. Please, no more contact. He is in the past now. Move on. You can do this!

Edited March 22, 2017 by LadyM

[klick09]

Thank you...Thank you very much. It has been a roller coaster emotionally. So hard to believe that your "soul mate" was nothing but your bully. I watched "The Girl on The Train" movie a few days ago. And the guy uses the same phrases my ex used to....He would always "protect me" so others do not see my insane jealousy....when in fact he was the one talking with his ex's and other girls...I remember the last scene in that place where we lived together, the puppy would have an accident, I would clean his pee while my ex sits on the couch and texts others and his phone rings on messenger. When I ask if he can at least wait till I leave, he says " I am done wasting my time on you"....

[klick09]

My heart goes out to you. I don't know why we feel so attached to these men who create so much drama. I know I did.

 

You can be assured you will never find happiness in your life with this man loitering around. You think he will never contact you again, but he will. I know this sort of man. I am sure you have heard this before, but please consider having no further contact of any sort with this man. Don't give up one more day of your precious existence for this unstable, abusive man. Yes, unstable and abusive. You don't want that. Take the reins back and be in control of your life. Be strong. Be confident.

 

He will sap your strength away if you let him, but you're done with that. Grab your life back. Bring sanity back to your world. Please, no more contact. He is in the past now. Move on. You can do this!

 

Thank you...Thank you very much. It has been a roller coaster emotionally. So hard to believe that your "soul mate" was nothing but your bully. I watched "The Girl on The Train" movie a few days ago. And the guy uses the same phrases my ex used to....He would always "protect me" so others do not see my insane jealousy....when in fact he was the one talking with his ex's and other girls...I remember the last scene in that place where we lived together, the puppy would have an accident, I would clean his pee while my ex sits on the couch and texts others and his phone rings on messenger. When I ask if he can at least wait till I leave, he says " I am done wasting my time on you"....

[Downtown]

Am I dealing with a narcissist?

Perhaps so, Klick. However, some of the behaviors you describe -- i.e., physical and verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and hating to be alone -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

Finally, I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

[klick09]

Perhaps so, Klick. However, some of the behaviors you describe -- i.e., physical and verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and hating to be alone -- are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.<snip>

 

I checked your post and I am familiar with BPD. For some reason, I think that BPD people have more empathy than NPD...Maybe it is just my impression from what I read...I am so confused. I spend a lot of time reflecting.I did not mention that about 4 months after we started dating, he went on a break with me and hooked up with his coworker who had a BF. We would talk over the phone, she would call him, he would put me on hold for 1 hr (I know I should not have waited for him for 1 hr on the other line , then when he is done, he blocks me, sends me an email to just move on.

 

I say OK this is it, do not respond, he "checks" on me the next day, and then when I do not reply he would go in rage and say "are you f...someone" while I would be crying myself out in bed. Another thing that makes me believe he is more of a NPD is that he literally does not understand when he hurts someone. With his ex girlfriend, he hooked up with his best friend's cousin! When I asked him if he felt bad...he said "I felt sorry for myself". Last time when we talked, I asked him if he remembered that he slapped me on my last day in his country, he said "yeah, right".

 

I do not know if he sincerely blocks this out and does not remember, or if he is gaslighting. I deep down feel he will not get in touch again. And I hope I am right, or I will be forced to change my e-mail, which is a pain as it is my student e-mail (from when I was at school)

Edited May 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Downtown]

I checked your post and I am familiar with BPD. For some reason, I think that BPD people have more empathy than NPD.

Yes, Klick, that is my understanding too. Whereas a full-blown narcissist has no emotional empathy, a BPDer can be very empathetic and truly caring while splitting you white. The BPDer's empathy disappears, however, while splitting you black. Moreover, whereas a narcissist typically is very stable, a BPDer is emotionally unstable. Further, whereas a narcissist is incapable of loving you, a BPDer typically can love very intensely, albeit in an immature way that cannot support a lasting adult relationship.

 

Although a BPDer can love intensely, she is so immature that she cannot tolerate being consciously in touch with two strong feelings (e.g., love and hate) simultaneously. Hence, like a young child, she simplifies her thinking by subconsciously "splitting off" the conflicting feeling -- i.e., putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This process, called "black-white thinking," is how a BPDer can flip in ten seconds from adoring you to devaluing you. The love is still there in her mind but it is out of reach of her conscious mind until some event triggers a change in her conscious feelings. This, at least, is my understanding.

[Glx]

I've read your threads and it's very interesting that my ex is also Muslim, but i am european and we are from different cultures.

Mine was also a bit abusive in some fights, when he didn't like something what i did he was saying sometimes directly that he wants to break up. Then when we were getting along again after a couple of hours i was saying that his behavioir was hurtful and he apologised.

When he was very angry and i wanted to leave, he could squeeze my hand in a very hurtful way in order to stop me.

 

And after every fight he said "if only you would listen to me none of this would happen".

 

That's true what other people said here - you would be much happier without this man even if you think that you had a great connection. And it's very important to give him space now as well so maybe he can see his own mistakes. From what you said his behaviour towards you was really disrespectful. And you shouldn't allow man to treat you that way. Backing off is truly the best decision for you now.

[klick09]

Thank you for your support. I have been strict NC for over a month now. I see things more clearly now, and honestly, I do not want him to see any mistake, just to keep away. I do believe that he, and maybe your ex too, is a good person at heart. However, the environment he grew in is all about playing power games, seeking unconditional respect without giving any, and truly believing that nothing is ever his responsibility.

 

For f-sake, his mom attacked me for eating most of the chocolate, not leaving enough for her 30 year old son. I also noticed that they are big mama's boys, which I foolishly believed is a good thing. The truth is, these moms are usually unhappy in their own marriages, they make their sons their best friends. My ex was able to see every mistake his dad makes, but was never able to see his own. One time, he even directly told me "Please help me not to be like my dad".

 

I was very much in love with him, and I do not resent him today, even after all he did. However, I am now 100% sure that I never again want a person like that in my life. And as open minded I am, cultural differences are a real thing, and I will be weary of this particular culture in the future .

Edited May 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[klick09]

For those of you who have been or are a still going through the healing process, I have a question for you.

We broke up 4 months ago, and in NC for a little over 1 month. Initially, there was low contact always initiated by him. In the beginning of our NC, I was checking his social media, well, daily, looking for who knows what. Last two days, I have been having this feeling that I do not want to know about him. I have absolutely no desire to know anything about him, and I am not checking on him, and I wake up with anger and frustration toward him, and honestly, he feels like a complete stranger to me.

 

Not sure if this is a phase, and what to expect next. I never felt this way toward him. Thanks for your support!

Also, one more question. All his family is on my block list on social media, as they were not very kind to me, except for his half brother with whom I used to have healthy conversations. However, ever since we broke up, I never talked with this guy either, and I do not really see the point of having him there.

 

He did not do anything to me, and was always nice, but I feel like I want to break all ties with this family and never look back. Is it OK if I block him, as well?

Edited May 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Telemachus]

It's over. Block or unblock, social media isn't very social, so it really doesn't matter. If you only knew them online, then you never knew them in the first place.

 

Your feelings are like the time of day or the temperature - they change, as things come and go. Don't read anything into it. It's over, and there's nothing more to do or say about it.

[klick09]

It's over. Block or unblock, social media isn't very social, so it really doesn't matter. If you only knew them online, then you never knew them in the first place.

 

Your feelings are like the time of day or the temperature - they change, as things come and go. Don't read anything into it. It's over, and there's nothing more to do or say about it.

I have no idea where you got that I only knew them online. I used to live with them in the same house .

[Altair0770]

It's 100% your choice if you want to block people or not. Personally I'm in favor of it. I do whatever I can to heal from heartbreak, without worrying about other people that likely won't be there for me.

[Sweetfish]

For those of you who have been or are a still going through the healing process, I have a question for you.

We broke up 4 months ago, and in NC for a little over 1 month. Initially, there was low contact always initiated by him. In the beginning of our NC, I was checking his social media, well, daily, looking for who knows what. Last two days, I have been having this feeling that I do not want to know about him. I have absolutely no desire to know anything about him, and I am not checking on him, and I wake up with anger and frustration toward him, and honestly, he feels like a complete stranger to me.

Not sure if this is a phase, and what to expect next. I never felt this way toward him. Thanks for your support!

Also, one more question. All his family is on my block list on social media, as they were not very kind to me, except for his half brother with whom I used to have healthy conversations. However, ever since we broke up, I never talked with this guy either, and I do not really see the point of having him there. He did not do anything to me, and was always nice, but I feel like I want to break all ties with this family and never look back. Is it OK if I block him, as well?

 

Judging by your past threads..

 

YES

[klick09]

Judging by your past threads..

 

YES

 

Yeah, I did. It was too nasty for any kind of friendship, after all.

[SevenCity]

Healing is different for everyone. It goes in ebbs and flows.

 

The true healing will only start once you eliminate any traces of them from your life. I would block anyone connected to him in any way (mutual friends, family, etc). One day you might feel great, the next day sad, the next day furious, the next apathetic (this is where you want to be).

 

It will take longer than you want or think it will.

 

You've reached a good point but be prepared you may slide back. There is no one set process but eventually most people get through it.

[avvril3000]

There are many stages of grieving (and you are greiving the loss of your relationship)... over the next year, you will go throuhg many emotions, feelings and stages. Some will reoccur, some will only happen once.

 

Stage 1: SHOCK AND DENIAL. The pain is too great to be handled. Temporarily the system “overheats” and reality is blocked out. “This can’t be happening.”

 

Stage 2: EMOTIONS ERUPT. The shock passes and emotions overflow their usual boundaries. They are expressed in ways ranging from wrenching sobs to gentle tears. Logic and rationality give way to an overwhelming realization of the loss.

 

Stage 3: ANGER. After being hurt, most people feel angry. They want to retaliate, to inflict pain on others, to strike out at the person or thing causing the pain.

 

Stage 4: SICKNESS. Often the body acts out the pain being felt through actual physical symptoms. Nausea, headaches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue are common.

 

Stage 5: PANIC. After a time of sickness and emotional upset, people begin to realize that they aren’t acting like themselves anymore. They begin to worry, wondering if they have become mentally ill. They frequently ask themselves “What is happening to me?”

 

Stage 6: GUILT. Personal guilt feelings build up as people wonder whether they are somehow to blame for the loss. They ask themselves if they could have done something to make it different if only . . .

 

Stage 7: DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS. The pain of their loss often causes people to withdraw into themselves. They begin to realize that the change is permanent. As the depression deepens, friends and family find it harder to draw the person out, to talk them into participating in regular activities again.

 

Stage 8: RE-ENTRY TROUBLES. Once the effort is made to get back into the normal routine, the pain of loss makes it difficult to be as trusting and open as before the loss. Suspicion must be battled constantly. Friends and families are tested again and again.

 

Stage 9: HOPE EMERGES. Gradually, the pain subsides and the world becomes bearable again. Hope sneaks through the cracks in the walls built up as protection against hurt. Energy is regained. The process of rebuilding seems possible.

 

Stage 10: ACCEPTING AND AFFIRMING REALITY. The loss is accepted without bitterness. Death gives way to new life. Purpose is regained. A new, different reality is where life is to be lived.

 

 

 

 

It can be pretty painful.

 

The Four Principles of Spirituality has helped me in the past for going through heartache.

 

here they are:

 

The Four Principles of Spirituality (Buddhism)

 

 

 

1. "Whomsoever you encounter is the right one."

 

Meaning that no-one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something, whether to teach us something or to help us improve a current situation.

 

 

 

 

2. "Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened."

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing of that which we experienced could have been any other way.

Not even in the least important detail. There is no “If only I had done that differently, then it would have been different…”. No. What happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have taken place for us to learn our lesson in order to move forward. Every single situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

 

 

 

3. "Each moment in which something begins is the right moment."

 

Simply meaning that everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later.

 

 

 

4. "What is over, is over."

 

Above is the English translation. But in Vietnamese it is translated as "what is over, let it be over," implying advice instead of a statement. Meaning, do not be attached to the past, let go in order to go on with life.

[BC1980]

I don't think there is anything wrong with removing or blocking the brother. I might just defriend instead of block, but it's up to you. I had a friendship with an ex's sister that fizzled out after we broke up. It's sad, but that's what happens with breakups. Her loyalty is to him, not me. Plus, she lived across the country, so I would probably never see her again anyway. Those kind of connections tend to die a natural death, so I see no problem with hastening the eventual end.