joodee Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Good for you!! I wish I had your backbone. Marie, actually I think I just got some backbone. Tinareed mentioned a site called http://www.gloryb.com, I just went to that site, and I immediately sent that link to my mm, told him to read it, and that enough is enough, and that I don't want to be the other woman. Did I ever in my dreams want to be the OW?? Was that what I aspired to? Was I that desperate for affections that I have to read a website like gloryb and post on LS in order to cope? I THINK NOT!!! Anyway, I admire your strength and determination to move on with your life. And I hope posting here helped for you.
Author Marie1973 Posted August 7, 2005 Author Posted August 7, 2005 Hey guys ok i was just sitting here & mom made a good point. Today is 1 week since i last talked to my MM. Mom said that if my MM loved me like he said he did, there is no way that he wouldn't call me, regardless of what i said on this sight that he might have read. She said if he loved me like he said he did, he would have left his wife & called me & would do everything to try to get me back!!! & u know what, mom is soooooooo right. If my MM loved me like he said he did there is NO WAY that he wouldn't call me. I guess I was TOTALLY fooled by what i thought we had. I thought we had something REALLY REALLY special, but again, i guess i was wrong.
newbby Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 i guess they just dont love their ow as much as they love being married
Author Marie1973 Posted August 7, 2005 Author Posted August 7, 2005 No HE DOESN'T LOVE ME AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIS $$$ ok guys I have said this before but now i am serious. I am no longer posting about my MM, there is nothing left to say. LOVE JUST SOMETIMES AIN'T ENOUGH, thats all i have to say. This chapter in my life is now CLOSED. Feel free to PM me anytime!! Thanks for all your support!!! & FOR ALL THOSE OW OUT THERE, GET OUT ASAP!!!!!!!!!! MARRIED MEN DON'T LEAVE!!
lynnspies1 Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 Marie, I agree with not posting about this anymore. I think you should however continue to reply to others as you have knowledge beyond your years in this department. I think you will be able to help others avoid similar situations. Of course it may be that we all need to learn from our own mistakes in the long run. Take care, Lynn
RecordProducer Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 Originally posted by Marie1973 Mom said that if my MM loved me like he said he did, there is no way that he wouldn't call me WRONG!!! It doesn'tmean anything! He loves you. He just doesn't put love as his priority or he will call you later. Move on! Stop posting about him. In any case, I don't believe he's reading anything here.
Author Marie1973 Posted August 7, 2005 Author Posted August 7, 2005 YES, RP, I AM DONE POSTING HERE!!
Author Marie1973 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 Ed,...............143 more that you'll ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!
New_Wife Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Good for you! Now then, start planning for a wonderful future for you! Take a nice trip somewhere where scantily clad young men bring you fruity drinks with lovely umbrellas in them, and your only concern is when to flip over and heat the other side (using, of course, good sunblock). Or trot off to Vegas with a girlfriend and spend a silly weekend behaving like goofballs. Do something to celebrate your independence & let the broken heart sit for a few days. It'll give you some much-needed perspective on how you feel when you're free and having fun.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2005 Posted November 12, 2005 Just wondering Marie if you're still out there, come back and do an update. How are things going in your life? Either way, I hope you're happy.
Sami_D Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Well this is an interesting thread. It seemed like the OP was determined to stick to NC in this case, and I really wonder how it turned out. I wonder whether she found out whether he was lying about telling the daughter. I wonder if NC was maintained and how the OP is doing now. Of course the fact that the MM in this case was reading the forum affects what we could be told, and that's a real shame. I was wondering in particular about this piece of advice, and whether the OP followed it despite what she said on the forum: Do you think that if you would tell his wife, she would leave him? Honestly (and selfishly), if I were you, I would do that. The reason I ask is because I can't imagine how a MM would act towards an OW he loved if she were to do anything so selfish. Obviously it's an impulse that goes through the mind, but the potential (probable?) fallout from going behind MM's back is surely immense? I know people talk about lying and lack of trust and respect between the BS and MM in these cases, but surely this is extending that to the potential new relationship too? Anyone else had experience with this, or points of view?
d'Arthez Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 I would not suggest telling the wife. Just as I would not suggest getting into affairs. But once you are in, actions that seem to lack any reason, are not necessarily unreasonable at all. Because the premises for behavior have changed. You cannot expect OW to take a walk with MM to his home, can you? It is not reasonable, because there is a W out there. But for a "normal" relationship things like that are reasonable ideas in themselves. And the idea also holds for more complex matters. Because both partners tend to be not equal in the relationship - due to the nature of the relationship. With the OW being on less advantageous grounds in general. Something which many MM do exploit to their advantage. The reason I ask is because I can't imagine how a MM would act towards an OW he loved if she were to do anything so selfish. On the other hand, you could argue from the position of the OW. If MM loves OW, and a decision may be beneficial if it comes before the year 2052, keeping MM in state of indecision (his excuses) is only prolonging the misery for the three of them. Indecision is a selfish thing too. In a way, telling the wife is forcing the issue. And no matter how it turns out, he cannot feign indecision indefinitely anymore. Indecision is always hurtful to OW who has romantic feelings. He might choose W and start an OW bashing campaign. That can be traumatic in itself for OW. But it would also show how much his love was worth. Nothing. He might choose OW and finally stop the indecisive excuses. If he is confused about the whole thing, one thing is clear: namely that he had not thought of the consequences of the affair, and the expectations he created, and how to deal with them. Obviously it's an impulse that goes through the mind, but the potential (probable?) fallout from going behind MM's back is surely immense? Yes, it probably is. But again, you cannot commit to two women, professing to one you hate the other / marriage with the other. That is deceitful in itself. To OW and to W. He is setting himself up for problems. If he is discrete and not caught by the W, it does not change the reality of the affair. It does not change the distance between wife and children and him. After all if his marriage is so bad, he should work to improve it, and get out. Not spend time with other people which do not contribute to solve the problems of the marriage, and be a "martyr." If you are trying to hold on to two women indecision is simply a bad way to go. OW cannot tolerate that indefinitely, unless she has no interest in him. But that would make the (feigning of) indecision almost pointless. If you are trying to get out of a marriage and get into a new relationship, it is a bad way to go. Not only from a legal point of view, but also from psychological and emotional points of view. Especially if children are involved. Because they will know that MM made W ('Mommy') unhappy. And that OW has also something to do with that - and that is not a good start for building a relationship with the kids. In fact an affair could be the end of a good relationship with the kids. And if you are trying to hold on to the marriage, and want some benefits on the side, do it with someone who cannot and will not lay a claim on you (i.e. with a professional), or in the case of (somewhat) intellectual pursuits, join a club for that. That prevents MM from needing to keep both women happy. If both OW and W lay an exclusive, or want to lay an exclusive claim on MM, it is not hard to see that it is next to impossible. Double life anyone? I know people talk about lying and lack of trust and respect between the BS and MM in these cases, but surely this is extending that to the potential new relationship too? Absolutely. MM with OW for not respecting a relationship. OW might do the same thing to him. OW with MM, because she already knows he has not respected the commitment he made to his (ex)wife. And the indecision he had shown probably does not help either. Indecision and decisions cannot go together on the same matter. Given the indecision (which OW can confirm easily), there was no real decision. Which contradicts with the commitment to (ex)W. So what commitment could MM make, that would ease this? Hope it works out, and if the relationship does fail on a few points, hope for the best.
newbby Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 an excellent post d'arthez, showing a good insight of the situation from the ow's pov that not many outsiders have.
Sami_D Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 d'Arthez you have given a great account of the reasons why an OW might resort to telling the W! In a way' date=' telling the wife is forcing the issue. And no matter how it turns out, he cannot feign indecision indefinitely anymore. Indecision is [b']always[/b] hurtful to OW who has romantic feelings. Yes, the 'indecision' (or the not making a decision) of the MM is the single most painful thing for the OW. And as you say, telling the W would bring an end to that particular pain. But as an act, it is totally disrespectful to the MM and can't possibly (can it?) lead to any kind of trusting respectful future relationship between the OW and MM. OW might not like how MM is behaving (with his indecision), but if she values their relationship she really has to either respect his indecision, or leave him alone. That's just the way I see it. In my case, I've decided that I will accept MM's reasons for staying in the M at the moment, and not make my happiness dependent on him leaving. It's his marriage and his decision. I don't need him to leave in order to feel OK about myself, to 'know he loves me' or that 'I've won'. Of course I can't see this lasting forever the way it is, but my choice at the moment is either be involved with him as he is, or walk away. I can't see myself being happy with someone I had to force into making a move that suited my needs. And I would be mortified if every time he looked at me he saw someone willing to go behind his back to get what I wanted. THAT is the sort of degenerated R he has with W... that's not what I would want with him.
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