Heart break

[Emotion]

Hi Community,

 

Decided to try reaching out to this community after a recent break up. Would appreciate perspective from both sexs if possible.

 

Just some background on me: male 28, physically good shape, 5.5, introvert.

 

So I was travelling from London on a flight and I met this girl. As mentioned before I'm normally an introvert and would never chat to random strangers on a flight. However after a funny situation occurred I started talking to my now ex girlfriend. We talked for 8 hours straight thought out the entire flight. When I look back now it was something that is very out of character for me. We seem to hit it off but there was nothing romantic at this stage we just seemed friends.

 

After roughly a month of messaging, hiking and walks we got to know more of each other. It was then I realised I had romantic feeling for this girl. So I took the innative and we ended up dating.

 

Some background on my ex: not to go into too much detail but she was in a marriage that ended badly due to her husband cheating. She is a strong will, kind, generous and beautiful woman.

 

I honestly feel we were honest with each other on our previous relationship and what we were looking for and where we wanted to go in the future. At this stage we were 2/3 months into the relationship and I recently received a promotion.

 

with power comes responsibility. So my new job was consuming much of my time. I was roughly working 50+ hours a week, same for my gf. But I knew my relationship was at its infancy stage and this girl was the one. So we both made time at the weekend to go out to new places to walk and explore. Generally we had a good time. However I will admit I was 80% present as my new boss was toxic so I worried about our future. Although I also felt that my gf wasn't that happy during the activities. So I thought maybe it was the activity that I had chosen. Although I'm a introvert I like sports and outdoors when the suns out. Therefore I decided to ask her what she would like to do. But my gf just told me to decide. As time went on we spent less time doing stuff cause I was really tired from my job. I remember at this point there is a season change and my gf was having a hard time finding new clothes. So I thought it would be nice if we went shopping together. Although it took a lot of convincing, we went out shopping together a few times. Occasionally I would buy her clothes.

 

At this stage my gf was staying with me 3 days out of the week. As we both work long hours it is difficult to cook all the time especially when we both live a really small appartment we normally come home from work 11/12pm. So when we would go out at the weekends I would always try to take her somewhere nice to eat concern as her doctor said she is being overworked (maybe this is related to I made her fat comment below?).

 

At this stage I was roughly the 4 month mark. A lot of issues were showing up but nothing I thought insurmountable. I noticed she was feeling insecure about our relationship. Example she would check my message and my phone. Although I noticed I didn't say anything as I believed this stemmed from her previous bad relationship. I simply showed her I trusted her. Additional she was very worried on my family not liking her. I reassure her that the most important thing is how we feel about each other. At this point she wanted to break up. But after giving her some space she said she'd be willing to conintue.

 

From my perspective 5month - 7/8 month mark was the hardest for me. Emotionally everything was falling apart. My work and my relationship. I eventually fell very sick due to it all. In short there was a lot of negative criticism from my girlfriend and having to deal with a toxic boss. Some examples that my girlfriend would say: your not in shape anymore (although I did lose my ripped physic, I was not overweight) and things like I made her fat or generally a negative attitude about our relationship. Furthermore my gf was reglious, not that this matters to me, I mention this because we went on a spiritual trip, there we were told by someone we were not suited for each other. Although my gf insisted that this had no bearing on our eventual break up I find it hard to believe. I'm very much a person who believes you make your own destiny/life but people do influence you no matter what. It's just the degree of influence.

 

At this point of this long "article" I must say that I tired to deepen our relationship throughout. Everyday I would ask how she was and how her day went. Which eventually lead to her asking why I was asking. So I didn't ask again. I tired to be as supportive as I could and listen. If I'm honest though by the 5 month onwards we stop really listening to each other.

 

So we ended up breaking up. I feel really lost these days, it's been 5 months but the pain is still there. It feel like I lost everything. The greatest pain is I was willing to fight thorough anything to resolve our issues but she decided to leave. Before you think I put her on a pedestal I didn't. I saw her flaws I loved her anyway.

 

Most days now I try to rationalise why things wouldn't ever work out but i know deep down I'm still in love with her.

 

Is there any coping mechanisms/methods that you've found useful? Anyway comments that might help?

 

Thanks for reading,

 

E

[umirano]

I'm sorry for your loss. You have to let people go, if they feel like walking away, however.

 

How much you're willing to invest, and put up with, only matters when the other person sticks around. In this case she, for whatever reason, didn't or couldn't stick around. The sooner you make peace with that fact, the better.

 

Sometimes people protect you from themselves dragging you down with them by leaving you. Given the insecurity you described one could see the break up as a blessing in disguise.

 

Good luck

[Emotion]

Hi Umirano,

 

Thanks for your reply and for reading. I hope this article doesn't portray my ex as the only one who had insecurities in our relationship. I believe we all do and deserve love.

 

I blame myself for not being more, doing more and in some cases doing less.

[salparadise]

I blame myself for not being more, doing more and in some cases doing less.

 

 

I think you should NOT be blaming yourself. You gave it your best shot, you had the courage to be vulnerable, open your heart and be authentic. Those are strengths you can be proud of. She didn't have the strength and self-awareness to tolerate the feelings of vulnerability. I know you loved her and are suffering a loss, but you must also realize that she is the one who wasn't able to sustain it, and that's not your fault. You will heal and have another relationship in due time, and hopefully the next person will love you for all those same things that caused this one to flee.

 

Be confident that your pain will subside and you will be ready to try again. I am going through something similar––three months and yea, it's still hard every day. But I take a lot of solace in knowing I was a damn good partner, not perfect, but damn good. You should too. Take care.

[Emotion]

Hi Salparadise,

 

Thanks for reading and responding. My head knows your right, but I can't let it go. What makes that situation even more terrible is that she has happy and easily moved on to another man.

 

It sounds pathetic but I'm just shocked and in more pain that is all our relationship was worth.

[Maldives]

Hey dude i agree wth the above post ur a sensitive strong open receptive guy. Hopefully this experience doesn't do the opposite and close all that up that's just something I've learnt don't let relationships that went pear shape effect future relationships.

[Maldives]

Yes they mostly do woman so that sometimes to cope wth the loss of the relationship it's probably a rebound or a tactic to make u jealous

[salparadise]

Hi Salparadise,

 

Thanks for reading and responding. My head knows your right, but I can't let it go. What makes that situation even more terrible is that she has happy and easily moved on to another man.

 

It sounds pathetic but I'm just shocked and in more pain that is all our relationship was worth.

 

Same with mine. Online within a few days looking for dick, coupled up within a few weeks. They rob us of meaning, congruency, and integrity in the memories. Instead we get dissonance and trauma to deal with. In most cases they're running from their fear, then attaching to someone else to try and fill the void

[Emotion]

Dear Community,

 

Just a random thought i'd share:

 

Ca Ve at: Yeah I kinda put some old English words in there. Not the best but hey im not shakespeare.

 

Dear reader friend

I hope your well

I ask thee to stay, as there is much to tell

Tis my story of greatest love

 

the story began with a chance encounter

On a flight I met the one

who would bring a light like the sun

 

We spoke a lot and had much fun

and soon I realized, she was the one

our connection deep and we thought as one

 

In this love I gave my all

my folly my greatest gift of all

the future I saw but not to be

So alone I must walk on this road

 

Much time has passed and sorrow felt

Tis tale is told, so thee may know

thou art not alone in the darkness

 

Pick up the pieces of thy heart

embrace thy darkness for there is light

Life is a lesson that can be harsh

Know thy strength will prevail

Take stock in knowing thy broken hearts, will lead thee to the holy grail

 

 

- E

[live2ndin]

Hi Community,

 

Decided to try reaching out to this community after a recent break up. Would appreciate perspective from both sexs if possible.

 

Just some background on me: male 28, physically good shape, 5.5, introvert.

 

So I was travelling from London on a flight and I met this girl. As mentioned before I'm normally an introvert and would never chat to random strangers on a flight. However after a funny situation occurred I started talking to my now ex girlfriend. We talked for 8 hours straight thought out the entire flight. When I look back now it was something that is very out of character for me. We seem to hit it off but there was nothing romantic at this stage we just seemed friends.

 

After roughly a month of messaging, hiking and walks we got to know more of each other. It was then I realised I had romantic feeling for this girl. So I took the innative and we ended up dating.

 

Some background on my ex: not to go into too much detail but she was in a marriage that ended badly due to her husband cheating. She is a strong will, kind, generous and beautiful woman.

 

I honestly feel we were honest with each other on our previous relationship and what we were looking for and where we wanted to go in the future. At this stage we were 2/3 months into the relationship and I recently received a promotion.

 

with power comes responsibility. So my new job was consuming much of my time. I was roughly working 50+ hours a week, same for my gf. But I knew my relationship was at its infancy stage and this girl was the one. So we both made time at the weekend to go out to new places to walk and explore. Generally we had a good time. However I will admit I was 80% present as my new boss was toxic so I worried about our future. Although I also felt that my gf wasn't that happy during the activities. So I thought maybe it was the activity that I had chosen. Although I'm a introvert I like sports and outdoors when the suns out. Therefore I decided to ask her what she would like to do. But my gf just told me to decide. As time went on we spent less time doing stuff cause I was really tired from my job. I remember at this point there is a season change and my gf was having a hard time finding new clothes. So I thought it would be nice if we went shopping together. Although it took a lot of convincing, we went out shopping together a few times. Occasionally I would buy her clothes.

 

At this stage my gf was staying with me 3 days out of the week. As we both work long hours it is difficult to cook all the time especially when we both live a really small appartment we normally come home from work 11/12pm. So when we would go out at the weekends I would always try to take her somewhere nice to eat concern as her doctor said she is being overworked (maybe this is related to I made her fat comment below?).

 

At this stage I was roughly the 4 month mark. A lot of issues were showing up but nothing I thought insurmountable. I noticed she was feeling insecure about our relationship. Example she would check my message and my phone. Although I noticed I didn't say anything as I believed this stemmed from her previous bad relationship. I simply showed her I trusted her. Additional she was very worried on my family not liking her. I reassure her that the most important thing is how we feel about each other. At this point she wanted to break up. But after giving her some space she said she'd be willing to conintue.

 

From my perspective 5month - 7/8 month mark was the hardest for me. Emotionally everything was falling apart. My work and my relationship. I eventually fell very sick due to it all. In short there was a lot of negative criticism from my girlfriend and having to deal with a toxic boss. Some examples that my girlfriend would say: your not in shape anymore (although I did lose my ripped physic, I was not overweight) and things like I made her fat or generally a negative attitude about our relationship. Furthermore my gf was reglious, not that this matters to me, I mention this because we went on a spiritual trip, there we were told by someone we were not suited for each other. Although my gf insisted that this had no bearing on our eventual break up I find it hard to believe. I'm very much a person who believes you make your own destiny/life but people do influence you no matter what. It's just the degree of influence.

 

At this point of this long "article" I must say that I tired to deepen our relationship throughout. Everyday I would ask how she was and how her day went. Which eventually lead to her asking why I was asking. So I didn't ask again. I tired to be as supportive as I could and listen. If I'm honest though by the 5 month onwards we stop really listening to each other.

 

So we ended up breaking up. I feel really lost these days, it's been 5 months but the pain is still there. It feel like I lost everything. The greatest pain is I was willing to fight thorough anything to resolve our issues but she decided to leave. Before you think I put her on a pedestal I didn't. I saw her flaws I loved her anyway.

 

Most days now I try to rationalise why things wouldn't ever work out but i know deep down I'm still in love with her.

 

Is there any coping mechanisms/methods that you've found useful? Anyway comments that might help?

 

Thanks for reading,

 

E

 

Hi friend, I think you made a wise step in reaching out to others, and you should be commended for that. I know sometimes it sounds cliche, but try thinking of some of the better times you had with your ex, and learning from some of the things that you think went wrong. Do you think perhaps things were moving too quickly? Have you considered giving each stage of a relationship its own time?

[preraph]

How did she know that your family didn't like her? Were they allowed to let her know that or you told her or what? Because that's a big thing to marry into.

[Emotion]

How did she know that your family didn't like her? Were they allowed to let her know that or you told her or what? Because that's a big thing to marry into.

Hi Preraph,

 

To answer you question is two fold.

 

First it's to do with my ex girlfriend husband. I don't want to go into details as this is not my past but safe to say he did some horrible things to my now ex girlfriend because his family was very controlling of him.

 

Secondly my ex girlfriend has not met the majority of my family yet. As I now work in a different country. They visits and I only have one family member, sister where I am now. I arranged a dinner, this includes my ex girlfriend, me, my sister and her husband. I wanted to take it slow and see how things went and her comfort levels before us flying out for her to meet my parents. Things went ok on the surface but my sister was cautious. First impressions wasnt so good for both parties. However I assured my sister my ex is a good person and has a good heart, we can't all be social butterflies. I didn't initially share my sisters caution with my ex, but we talk about it 1/2 weeks later. Duly note leading up to this my ex occasionally say "your sister doesn't like me". I would reply "why does that matter this relationship is the two of us".

Anyway I decided to sit my ex down and talk about it. I said although my sister is cautious of you that doesn't represent how I feel. Let me state this now, in any relationship in your life not everyone is going to truly like you. Even your friends. If your doubtful ask yourself when you were are the brink or in a major disaster in your life how many people actively took action to help you? (Excluding all people who "said" they would help).

 

To add some perspective looking back I see now there were some red flags. Although mixed. Let me explain: I was also lucky enough met my ex's god mother. My ex parents never really cared for her and threw her out at a young age to relatives. I mention this only because her god mother and friends are closer to her. I met her god mother twice. Once for brunch and dinner. She seemed like a nice person. My ex told me I had made a relatively good impression, although I had a feeling she was holding something back. I didn't press as Time would tell if she trusted me or even wanted to share. So where is the reg flag I mentioned? She only introduced me to one of her close friends once, she has a few. The meet was not entriely good or bad.

 

To he honest there was a lot of confusion with the things my ex said. Sometimes it was people telling her I was a good man and good to her. Other times it was I was a good man but not right for her.

 

It was only when I broke up with my ex did I see the true face of her god mother. I was renting a flat and we had bought a lot of stuff together. After breaking up I had to move out for a lot of reasons but the main one was the whole place reminded me of her too much. As I couldn't take everything with me she came around and took anything of value. By value I mean how must it originally cost. Bare in mind I didn't know at the time, but I asked her to pass on a few things that had meaning to my ex only and a $4000 handbag I had bought her. I later found out none of the items made their way to the receipt.

 

I realise sadly that I live in a country, culture and time where material things are more important than love, more so here than anywhere else. To emphasise on this point when my ex and I went on holiday and came back. I thought it would be romantic hardcraft alife journal for us. Photos and places we've been. The response I got was another red flag. "It's obvious, unoriginal".

 

Anyways I always did right buy her. I realised now I was too accommodative equalling a door mat.

 

At this stage of my recovery, I think this experience has broken me more than anything in my life. As much as I try to fit the pieces together they just don't fit. May love is an illusion?

[Emotion]

Hi friend, I think you made a wise step in reaching out to others, and you should be commended for that. I know sometimes it sounds cliche, but try thinking of some of the better times you had with your ex, and learning from some of the things that you think went wrong. Do you think perhaps things were moving too quickly? Have you considered giving each stage of a relationship its own time?

Hi Live2ndin,

 

At the time in the relationship we both agreed on the pace. It wasn't till after the relationship I heard through her god mother (during me moving out mentioned above) that my ex wanted more space. This was never communicatied, although I feel like this is a catch 22. If I don't try then it's cause I'm not serious, try too hard and it's not enough space. At this point we were nearing the 1 year mark. I thought we would grow closer not further apart.

 

For me personally I try not to think of the happy times. It makes letting go harder. Not that I particularly focus on the bad times either. It's just hard when your out having dinner or walking in a park or doing groceries or and see couples or it's raining. They all remind you in some way of the emptiness that once filled your heart.

 

Anyway, I've been implementing some steps which I've mentioned on other community threads that help with coping. Their not perfect but generally help.

[live2ndin]

Hi Live2ndin,

 

At the time in the relationship we both agreed on the pace. It wasn't till after the relationship I heard through her god mother (during me moving out mentioned above) that my ex wanted more space. This was never communicatied, although I feel like this is a catch 22. If I don't try then it's cause I'm not serious, try too hard and it's not enough space. At this point we were nearing the 1 year mark. I thought we would grow closer not further apart.

 

For me personally I try not to think of the happy times. It makes letting go harder. Not that I particularly focus on the bad times either. It's just hard when your out having dinner or walking in a park or doing groceries or and see couples or it's raining. They all remind you in some way of the emptiness that once filled your heart.

 

Anyway, I've been implementing some steps which I've mentioned on other community threads that help with coping. Their not perfect but generally help.

 

Excellent, I am encouraged by your response and I'm sure others will be too. You had mentioned that your gf was "religious" so I was wondering if she maybe felt some sort of guilt about living together so soon (before marriage). Sometimes we have a tendency of drifting towards living the way that the culture pressures us to and often it leads to hurt. I hope for the best for you Emotion, don't forget to let us know how you are from time to time.

[Emotion]

Hi community,

 

Just having a bad day so just wanted to let it all out. I read something recently about a "lovemap" according to this article which leads to a book tell you how to make someone fall in love with you.

 

After reading this I got really down and depressed because this "love map" talks about thinking about the reason why your ex/gf fell in love (please not I've not read the book relating to this). This sparked my mind to rethink some of the reasons why my ex fell in love me. Reflecting on it I remember she like the fact in was independent, strong, influential, strong sense of direction, career progession and reasonable salary.

 

So my question is according to this "love map" if these are the reasons to fall in love or out of love with someone, is love really that "cheap"? Am I really naive to believe someone can love you for you? Am I naive to believe love can solve anything? Looking back using this "love map" made feel like I failed in many areas of my relationship. Even though I can honestly say I gave it my all. I guess this worries me the most. When you give your all and it's still not enough.

 

Let me know what you think

 

-E

[salparadise]

Hi community,

 

Just having a bad day so just wanted to let it all out. I read something recently about a "lovemap" according to this article which leads to a book tell you how to make someone fall in love with you.

 

After reading this I got really down and depressed because this "love map" talks about thinking about the reason why your ex/gf fell in love (please not I've not read the book relating to this). This sparked my mind to rethink some of the reasons why my ex fell in love me. Reflecting on it I remember she like the fact in was independent, strong, influential, strong sense of direction, career progession and reasonable salary.

 

So my question is according to this "love map" if these are the reasons to fall in love or out of love with someone, is love really that "cheap"? Am I really naive to believe someone can love you for you? Am I naive to believe love can solve anything? Looking back using this "love map" made feel like I failed in many areas of my relationship. Even though I can honestly say I gave it my all. I guess this worries me the most. When you give your all and it's still not enough.

 

Let me know what you think

 

-E

 

 

I'd be suspicious of anything on the internet that leads to separating you from a few bucks. The truth is, why we fall for one person vs. another is something of a mystery. People are seldom aware of the underlying, true motivation that creates the outward emotion that leads to attachment. Also, love and attachment are not one in the same, and both fall into various categories. So, even if reading an article (or sales pitch for a book) were to give you insight of some sort, the likelihood that it would apply generally to everyone is pretty close to zero.

 

"she liked the fact in was independent, strong, influential, strong sense of direction, career progession and reasonable salary."

Eh, it's not that simple, not for emotionally functional people, however, these can be factors. But no, please don't try to reduce it all to such logical, superficial things. Some will perhaps glom onto a person for superficial things, but for healthy, mature people it's far more complex, unique to the individuals... and not consciously understood, by either.

 

If you want a good book on this topic, I'd suggest Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. The first part goes into some depth about his theory of why we fall for certain individuals... Imago.

Edited May 20, 2017 by salparadise