cominghome Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 I am really good at rationalizing not going NC. Last winter, I started chatting with a man online and started building this incredible connection. Then we met a few weeks later when he was in town and ended up spending the next five months together. Red flags I ignored: - I needed more space than he did, it's usually the opposite. I thought that since I didn't know how long he'd be in town for, to just maximize it and push aside my own needs for space. - Felt drained. - Kept working on myself, to accommodate. - He also did the same. To a lesser extent. - We traveled together to a place for a month, and that was bumpy. He is quite a deal older than me, and for months he was feeling scattered, since he didn't live in one place, rather he lived out of his suitcase. We talked about long distance. When I offered to visit him, since that was the easiest thing to do for the both of us, he felt conflicted. Then he said he couldn't figure out why he didn't feel a "pull," towards me as strongly as he had felt before, and how he couldn't figure out why he was looking at other women. He wanted a break which broke me a bit, and the next day, I decided to break up as I started realizing how much I over-gave of myself to be with him. It was a brief conversation, pretty straight forward, and we agreed to try to stay friends, and not go into no-contact, aside from an initial time. So our relationship ended with a whisper, not with a bang. No drama, much like most of our relationship. I felt like our relationship moved at too quick a pace, and thereby all the problems that came with it. I was not experienced enough to know to pace it, and neither was he, nor did he want to. ----- I have had a conversation with him that is light and warm, and felt good afterwards. I can and have also done virtual hangouts with him since then. All these bouts of contact give me different results. Sometimes I feel awesome afterwards, other times, I feel empty. I can logically see how this will never work out, but no contact feels like the wrong thing to do, as does engaging him in a serious discussion about how I feel. Ultimately, I rationalize not doing no-contact. Since this is long distance, if I go no-contact, I really will have nothing to do with him ever again. Initial NC: I remember the first few days after no contact, after about 4 days, I felt great, but that was when he reached out to me via text multiple times, and I responded. There is a small faint hope in me, that he'll realize that he made a mistake. It's silliness, but certain days I can feel it there, other day, it's not. I've also started dating, with potential others knowing that I've come out of a relationship and am not ready for anything heavy. ------ What should I do? I feel that NC is not right for me. At the same time, how do I employ self-restraint in only maintaining the most polite of responses? ------ I feel better writing about this here.
greenicon Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Hi, First of all sorry that you have had some difficult times. Most people on these forums have a tail to tell that usually involves heartache. In looking at the matter of NC I would say 99.9% of people on here would say NC is the only way to heal yourself properly. It's not done for the other party to start missing you and run back to you. It's for your benefit - time and space to allow you to recover. Usually in a split one party has feelings and the other most likely will not which is why keeping in contact will only delay the healing process for the party with feelings still invested. The other point is - as a rule the only appropriate way for NC to break is by the other party (not you) very specifically asking to reconcile. No ambiguity. Good luck - it will get better..
Author cominghome Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 (edited) I should add that what compounds the confusion is: I think he genuinely feels like our relationship is too fast. In fact, I agree, I felt depleted near the end of our relationship. Difficult thing is, he asked for space to figure things out, while I agreed, and asked the same, to not be dating. Given that this coincided with the time that he had to be in another city for the next few months, it is now Long Distance. I'm not sure if we're broken up, or we're just really making it casual again. The reason is we still talk, albeit, way less often, and occasionally virtually hangout. We don't talk about our break/space, just update each other on what's happening. I'm not sure if I should just end it even though I feel a lot for him, or to keep this going without any clarity. I think we both charged straight ahead into this relationship, it got too hot too quick, 24/7 for 4-5 months. He spoke about something "missing," which I deemed to be a "spark." He said he hadn't felt it after the initial month, after we hit a bumpy patch. That he might have a trigger that he hasn't worked through, and seems to want to keep the connection going so that should he change his mind, he could return to it. That's my gist of what he communicated to me. I told him I couldn't wait indefinitely. Edited May 2, 2017 by cominghome
Blanco Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 Relationships that come rushing out the gates can often go off the tracks just as quickly. It almost sounds like he got caught up in the infatuation, then got hit with a dose of reality as the honeymoon phased ended. What sort of age difference are we talking about here? What sort of distance are we talking about?
Author cominghome Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 (edited) I wasn't experienced in pacing the relationship, did not understand the importance of this. Decade age difference. The funny thing is I got a hit of the honeymoon phase being over after the first month as well. It took a lot of painful self-examination and looking at him without rosy pink glasses for me to appreciate all the qualities that I now love in him. I recognize in him a strength, kindness and integrity that I value. The last month we were together, he'd look at me as if he was evaluating me, he'd mention it from time to time the qualities I had that he appreciated and valued in a partner. But still, the excitement in our relationship fizzled, and I believe it's because we spent too much time together, and I started to over accommodate because I could see him conflicted. I guess, I had worked through my hesitations with him after the honeymoon period, but he had not yet. Subconsciously, I started being more flexible to make things easier on him given the case. Distance wise, 3 hour flight. --------- I also realized that even if we got back together. Fundamentally, I need someone close by. Somebody who has a regular schedule, who I can depend on, with all of his qualities and none of the inconveniences. As silly as it is to wish he changes his mind, I don't wish that upon him. I don't see logistically how it would work out. Still I can tell both him and I are committed to making the friendship work. It is just difficult not to feel empty sometimes after spending time with him. Edited May 2, 2017 by cominghome
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