Apollo85 Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Hello everyone. I have been lurking these forums the past month after quite possibly the strangest thing (breakup/relationship related) happened. Long story short me and my ex broke up about 9 months ago. I was the dumpee technically but to save you alot of the details she dumped me almost as a preemptive strike after I came out and told her I was not happy and didn't know if I could continue. She wasn't pulling her weight emotionally and she wasn't terribly passionate which killed it for me. We broke up amicably but I usually always enact no-contact after a break up to simply move on. I don't cling on to hope although this relationship is seemingly testing my limits. So what happened? Well I'll be honest I was just fine for 8 months. Not a care in the world, I hooked up with other women and even had a brief moment in time where I met a girl while travelling that I genuinely liked and would have loved to pursue something more meaningful, but I had to eventually return home. I can with certainty tell you I was basically over my ex. Of course being a long term relationship (2 years) there were residual feeling's but I was for the most part just fine. In this time she continues to like my Instagram photos (some not all), 3 months ago she uploads a video of us together at the gym, I heard from a mutual friend that she said she may have made a mistake...none of this really made me feel anything at all except for one thing.....when our mutual Freind said she was seeing someone new. All of a sudden with this information, 9 months down the road, a sudden revival of hurt feelings emerges and it feels like I broke up yesterday. I have never gone through this before and it honestly feels as if I have somehow supressed these feelings and just now have unleashed them all. This is not the most I have ever hurt but this is somehow the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. After the break up I remembered all the bad things and could easily move on but after I heard this all I can think of is the good stuff and a bunch of "what ifs". It doesn't help that our relationship was for the most part an extremely healthy one and we almost moved in together if it wasn't for one of her crippling insecurities. Honestly I'm not sure I have a question here but what the hell do you do in this case? It's been 9 months of doing what everyone usually tells you to do so im not sure what's left except to genuinely mourn the loss and talk to people about how I feel. Any advice to blunt the pain and help me on?
Gillys Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 I had a similar experience. I felt like I was dealing well with my breakup for months until my ex told me she was dating someone else. I cried daily for months and started chasing to get her back (stupid move I know considering it pushed her closer into his arms). I didn't start to feel like I was starting to make progress again until I went strict NC. Basically pretending she was dead to me (no phone, social media, and my friends and family aren't allowed to mention her or give me updates). I still truly love her (a year post break up as we broke up for religious reasons supposedly...we're both bi and her parents are totally against it) and I have days I want to break and call. However, looking back at the pain I felt when she was dating someone else is one reason I don't reach out. I've been told it's normal to feel that way once we hear an ex is dating someone else. All of those deep seeeded "what ifs" suddenly resurface. It takes time but focus on yourself even more right now
greenicon Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Hey man, sorry to hear that you have had these feelings re-surface. I'm in a similar ish position with slightly different timescales. I was in a yr long relationship that ended just after New Year. I have had weeks of feeling hearbroken, weeks of feeling like I was healing. Went on some dates, felt horrendous again etc etc. For your relationship - 2 years is a long time in anyone's book in terms of time/ energy/emotional investment. In all fairness to you its going to take a few more months for you to feel better and you will still have ups and downs. Would it help to be more NC and not have the Instagram connections etc?
Maldives Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Hello everyone. I have been lurking these forums the past month after quite possibly the strangest thing (breakup/relationship related) happened. Long story short me and my ex broke up about 9 months ago. I was the dumpee technically but to save you alot of the details she dumped me almost as a preemptive strike after I came out and told her I was not happy and didn't know if I could continue. She wasn't pulling her weight emotionally and she wasn't terribly passionate which killed it for me. We broke up amicably but I usually always enact no-contact after a break up to simply move on. I don't cling on to hope although this relationship is seemingly testing my limits. So what happened? Well I'll be honest I was just fine for 8 months. Not a care in the world, I hooked up with other women and even had a brief moment in time where I met a girl while travelling that I genuinely liked and would have loved to pursue something more meaningful, but I had to eventually return home. I can with certainty tell you I was basically over my ex. Of course being a long term relationship (2 years) there were residual feeling's but I was for the most part just fine. In this time she continues to like my Instagram photos (some not all), 3 months ago she uploads a video of us together at the gym, I heard from a mutual friend that she said she may have made a mistake...none of this really made me feel anything at all except for one thing.....when our mutual Freind said she was seeing someone new. All of a sudden with this information, 9 months down the road, a sudden revival of hurt feelings emerges and it feels like I broke up yesterday. I have never gone through this before and it honestly feels as if I have somehow supressed these feelings and just now have unleashed them all. This is not the most I have ever hurt but this is somehow the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. After the break up I remembered all the bad things and could easily move on but after I heard this all I can think of is the good stuff and a bunch of "what ifs". It doesn't help that our relationship was for the most part an extremely healthy one and we almost moved in together if it wasn't for one of her crippling insecurities. Honestly I'm not sure I have a question here but what the hell do you do in this case? It's been 9 months of doing what everyone usually tells you to do so im not sure what's left except to genuinely mourn the loss and talk to people about how I feel. Any advice to blunt the pain and help me on? Mines the opposite mths of pain from her bad behaviour we work together seeing her at work then her starting an office fling a rebound wth a fat ugly coworker pushed me further away. Funny I feel she's coming back around but I've just about let go from all the pain. But yes in the passed I experienced this exact tsame thing wth my ex wife however in my case I never truly processed that break up properly and have struggles wth a string of bad relationships since so it's kind of been the measuring post to topple unsuccessfully may I add so far. The most recent ex had the strongest connection but worst timing as she comes wth kids. Anyway, the realisation of her finding som new guy has hit u hard. But here's something to consider....how do u know she's happy wth him? Into him? D9esnt still think of u? U dont. I think the source of the pain comes alot from those thoughts when u really think about it. U were fine and probably would have continuedone to improve more so if u hadn't learnt this news. It's like my ex wife. We had no contact for mths and then she contacts me out of the blue probably because she sensed I had moved on and met someone. Her contacting me messed myou head big time and for yrs. If she hadn't I wss over her I was fine. She did it to keep me wrapped tight around her little finger. Afterwards she went hot and cold and wanted a divorce lol. Feel the pain but don't get hung up or lost in it u dont know what she's feeling wth this new dude I suspect it's a rebound
Maldives Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) Btw... how's this for torture...im forced to watch him n her interact at my work and watch things develop there in the same team lol. I've realised just how strong I am to endure this type of mental torture..my mates all said it will show u two things her true colours and strengthen u i didnt see it at the time but it haseems... im almost thru the storm. if i can endure something like this mind u I've have some incredibly painful situations like the ex and a close friend cheating behind my back. I wondered for a long time why this keeps happenning to me and I think I finally have the answer.....because I never processed that pain and unraveled the damage those relationships did and took that fear and baggage in to the next relationship which also I attracted that relationship not exactly healthy because that's what I was projecting out to the world. Believe me its been an epiphamy learning all this finally now after many yrs and a marriage one 3 yr 1 6 yr relationship and a few inbetweens. it took so long to learn really something that I should of picked up a lot earlier it's not rocket science but just took so long to finally get that awareness. Now I'm definatly not jumping into anything till I've realy dealt wth this and all that baggage. Why am I telling you all this irrelevant information?because somehow im hoping there is some relavance for you what took me 26 yrs to learn lol. Good luck bro but I'll say it again don't read too much into her new relationship u truly don't know if she's happy or not and be at peace wth that thought. Edited May 1, 2017 by Goodguy05
Sweetfish Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 Apollo, you simply have to go thru the stages of grief.. thats all. They have been delayed. You have finally realized true loss and had delayed grief. 1
bluefeather Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 I was the dumpee technically but to save you alot of the details she dumped me almost as a preemptive strike after I came out and told her I was not happy and didn't know if I could continue. It sounds like you actually were the dumper, she has now moved on, and it is hurting you. Tell your ego to relax and try to be happy for her.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Posted May 1, 2017 It sounds like you actually were the dumper, she has now moved on, and it is hurting you. Tell your ego to relax and try to be happy for her. At the time we had issues and told her if we cannot work it out we should part ways but if we can we should move in together. We both wanted to work at it but 2 weeks later she dumped me. So make of it what you will but it felt mutual and necessary.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Posted May 1, 2017 Hey man, sorry to hear that you have had these feelings re-surface. I'm in a similar ish position with slightly different timescales. I was in a yr long relationship that ended just after New Year. I have had weeks of feeling hearbroken, weeks of feeling like I was healing. Went on some dates, felt horrendous again etc etc. For your relationship - 2 years is a long time in anyone's book in terms of time/ energy/emotional investment. In all fairness to you its going to take a few more months for you to feel better and you will still have ups and downs. Would it help to be more NC and not have the Instagram connections etc? I recently unfreinded her shortly after hearing this news when she liked one of my pictures again. Which she does every so often. I realize people don't take social media seriously on these boards as "signs" but she has continued to like my pics since the break up despite me never returning the favor, kept up all the photos of us despite me taking mine down and she even said to a freind she may have made a mistake. The information does make it hard to move on it seems.
greenicon Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 I recently unfreinded her shortly after hearing this news when she liked one of my pictures again. Which she does every so often. I realize people don't take social media seriously on these boards as "signs" but she has continued to like my pics since the break up despite me never returning the favor, kept up all the photos of us despite me taking mine down and she even said to a freind she may have made a mistake. The information does make it hard to move on it seems. It will do - I totally understand your point. My ex unfriended me on fb a week after dumping me but left instagram which I sorted a while after. Difficult point here is the liking of the photos. The hint that she may have made an error etc. That's hard to take because it's quite close to saying lets reconcile without actually saying it. Have you established if she will consider this or is it dead in the water? If she said 'no we are done' I would have no online links to her at all as it is not allowing you to heal. If she's open to talk by all means talk..
Author Apollo85 Posted May 1, 2017 Author Posted May 1, 2017 It will do - I totally understand your point. My ex unfriended me on fb a week after dumping me but left instagram which I sorted a while after. Difficult point here is the liking of the photos. The hint that she may have made an error etc. That's hard to take because it's quite close to saying lets reconcile without actually saying it. Have you established if she will consider this or is it dead in the water? If she said 'no we are done' I would have no online links to her at all as it is not allowing you to heal. If she's open to talk by all means talk.. Well the way i see it is this, She broke up with me which is enough for me to consider it over. To answer your question from what i have gathered i think there was always the opportunity there to talk but it was truly up to her to initiate it which addresses the problems i had with her in the first place (initiation). Besides shes "seeing" someone else allegedly so i wouldn't consider it. Im apparently in the grieving process as pointed out by another but i wouldn't consider reconciliation with her until she resolves her issues. Im trying not to put too much stock into the whole instagram thing but that's also not exactly something you can ignore. A lot of people like to believe that social media is some fairy tale land that has no bearing on reality or in situations like this which is preposterous. The reason why you shouldn't however is because You have no way of knowing the nature of intent, or if there was any at all.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 Do you guys think it would be a bad look to block her 9 months after the fact? I have already unfollowed her but she still follows me. It could be because she has not noticed
Sweetfish Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 Well the way i see it is this, She broke up with me which is enough for me to consider it over. To answer your question from what i have gathered i think there was always the opportunity there to talk but it was truly up to her to initiate it which addresses the problems i had with her in the first place (initiation). Besides shes "seeing" someone else allegedly so i wouldn't consider it. Im apparently in the grieving process as pointed out by another but i wouldn't consider reconciliation with her until she resolves her issues. Thats going to be a problem, because she may see the same point of view as you. Im trying not to put too much stock into the whole instagram thing but that's also not exactly something you can ignore. A lot of people like to believe that social media is some fairy tale land that has no bearing on reality or in situations like this which is preposterous. The reason why you shouldn't however is because You have no way of knowing the nature of intent, or if there was any at all. Instagram is an illusion and so is everything else. I know used to volunteer at a suicide hotline and people would project happiness and yet have demons inside them. Social media is a snapshot of an event... not the whole story.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 Thats going to be a problem, because she may see the same point of view as you. Instagram is an illusion and so is everything else. I know used to volunteer at a suicide hotline and people would project happiness and yet have demons inside them. Social media is a snapshot of an event... not the whole story. It makes it hard to know what to do. She broke up with me under the pretense that i would break up with her, she didnt exactly say it but it was pretty obvious. Its straight forward on paper, i was dumped but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. So its an internal conflict i seem to be experiencing in this grieving process. Social media may be an illusion but it's still significant. It's essentially a public album for everyone to see. You wouldnt leave framed pictures of an ex at the office or at home while dating someone else would you? That is an odd practice.
Sweetfish Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 It makes it hard to know what to do. She broke up with me under the pretense that i would break up with her, she didnt exactly say it but it was pretty obvious. Its straight forward on paper, i was dumped but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. So its an internal conflict i seem to be experiencing in this grieving process. Social media may be an illusion but it's still significant. It's essentially a public album for everyone to see. You wouldnt leave framed pictures of an ex at the office or at home while dating someone else would you? That is an odd practice. Social media does not define anything.. that is why NC means No social media
Author Apollo85 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) Social media does not define anything.. that is why NC means No social media Social media isn't included because it doesn't benefit you while in no contact, it hurts you. The reason it hurts is because there is a degree of significance. This is the same reason you delete photos of them when in no contact and are never advised to keep pictures up. It makes sense to ignore it due to over analysis but we also don't have to be so obtuse as to not recognize smoke signals....which I'm trying to put an end to Edited May 3, 2017 by Apollo85
Sweetfish Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Social media isn't included because it doesn't benefit you while in no contact, it hurts you. The reason it hurts is because there is a degree of significance. This is the same reason you delete photos of them when in no contact and are never advised to keep pictures up. It makes sense to ignore it due to over analysis but we also don't have to be so obtuse as to not recognize smoke signals....which I'm trying to put an end to Men and women think and feel differently. Many times women will feel nostalgic about a relationship, keep teddy bears, photos and pictures but that does not mean its a smoke signal.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 Men and women think and feel differently. Many times women will feel nostalgic about a relationship, keep teddy bears, photos and pictures but that does not mean its a smoke signal. Yes and that's the difference between a boxed photo that no one sees which you can call upon when you want to feel nostalgic and a framed picture that's in your face 24/7 to you and the world. That doesn't say nostalgia that says unresolved. Listen I get it. I'm not saying this person is proclaiming reconciliation and hasn't genuinely moved on but it's odd behavior none the less. I have had 8 months of clear, logical thinking and even then it was odd behavior. Most people do not keep pictures of their ex or post videos between them (no matter how innocent) continue to like them especially when they thought they may have made a "mistake". You shouldn't rack your brains over it but it's also not this insane stretch to beleive something is off.
Sweetfish Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Yes and that's the difference between a boxed photo that no one sees which you can call upon when you want to feel nostalgic and a framed picture that's in your face 24/7 to you and the world. That doesn't say nostalgia that says unresolved. Listen I get it. I'm not saying this person is proclaiming reconciliation and hasn't genuinely moved on but it's odd behavior none the less. I have had 8 months of clear, logical thinking and even then it was odd behavior. Most people do not keep pictures of their ex or post videos between them (no matter how innocent) continue to like them especially when they thought they may have made a "mistake". You shouldn't rack your brains over it but it's also not this insane stretch to beleive something is off. You would be surprised. Your over thinking. Logical is not always right.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 (edited) You would be surprised. Your over thinking. Logical is not always right. I realize I sound argumentative but it's not the case. Just conversations here. But no I'm not over thinking this. All I have done is compiled the facts and basically left the intent as "who knows". To say with a certainty it's something or nothing is absurd. We can both agree that thinking about it is unhealthy though. I have been down this road many times and I would like to beleive I'm somewhat seasoned in this respect. I have had basically everyone of my exes ( almost) return and beleive me when I say that this is the behaviour of the ones that do return. The ones who have written you to their nuts do exactly that and bounce in every respect. Remember I'm not wishing to reconcile here, I was unhappy. I'm just pointing out that social media isn't as insignificant as these boards make it out to be and you can make logical assumptions (which are unverifiable I fully admit). If you honestly think people are completely mindless when they do things like that then I dont think you know how people operate. EVERYTHING on social media is calculated. Trust me on this. Edited May 3, 2017 by Apollo85
dumbass2 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I realize I sound argumentative but it's not the case. Just conversations here. But no I'm not over thinking this. All I have done is compiled the facts and basically left the intent as "who knows". To say with a certainty it's something or nothing is absurd. We can both agree that thinking about it is unhealthy though. I have been down this road many times and I would like to beleive I'm somewhat seasoned in this respect. I have had basically everyone of my exes ( almost) return and beleive me when I say that this is the behaviour of the ones that do return. The ones who have written you to their nuts do exactly that and bounce in every respect. Remember I'm not wishing to reconcile here, I was unhappy. I'm just pointing out that social media isn't as insignificant as these boards make it out to be and you can make logical assumptions (which are unverifiable I fully admit). If you honestly think people are completely mindless when they do things like that then I dont think you know how people operate. EVERYTHING on social media is calculated. Trust me on this. It does sound like what she did was calculated and put up because she knew you would see it and might be looking for a reaction. Now you can't get inside her head or go off of hearsay, so YOU need to do what you feel you need to do. No one on here can really help because we don't know what she is thinking. It could have been to see if she might get contacted by you, in which case it could be for ego or who knows. You could try and contact her and have her not even respond and get your self hurt and find yourself having to get over her all over again. You said you recognize signs because of ex's that have done similar things in the past and come back. So, I'll ask you this. Where are those ex's now? Is it really worth it to go down that road again? My guess is your logical answer is no. 1
Author Apollo85 Posted May 3, 2017 Author Posted May 3, 2017 It does sound like what she did was calculated and put up because she knew you would see it and might be looking for a reaction. Now you can't get inside her head or go off of hearsay, so YOU need to do what you feel you need to do. No one on here can really help because we don't know what she is thinking. It could have been to see if she might get contacted by you, in which case it could be for ego or who knows. You could try and contact her and have her not even respond and get your self hurt and find yourself having to get over her all over again. You said you recognize signs because of ex's that have done similar things in the past and come back. So, I'll ask you this. Where are those ex's now? Is it really worth it to go down that road again? My guess is your logical answer is no. Honestly most of them are a phone call away. I was actually talking to my last ex before her on thr phone yesterday about the situation. Some of them are freinds that have never disappeared and some of them are just sort of around. But like I said before I'm not looking for reconciliation...Atleast not the way it was. If she changed as a human being sure but not the way it is. Of course I miss her, it was a strong relationship but I know I have to move on and allow the greiving process to run its course.
Sweetfish Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 Honestly most of them are a phone call away. I was actually talking to my last ex before her on thr phone yesterday about the situation. Some of them are freinds that have never disappeared and some of them are just sort of around. But like I said before I'm not looking for reconciliation...Atleast not the way it was. If she changed as a human being sure but not the way it is. Of course I miss her, it was a strong relationship but I know I have to move on and allow the greiving process to run its course. You say that in a way with ego, but that is fine. You have not been here long enough that social media, bread crumbs, and other quirks are snap shots and not what a person feels at the very moment that you intercept the crumb. At some point of time a person may feel lonely or sad and post a picture or not erase a photo. It means NOTHING. you said you were over her and unhappy. So why post? Your other ex did you leave them? What is the pattern? Logic and feelings do not go hand and hand. I guess you posting in here is equal to unresolved feelings right..? but you have no emotions to recon.. well she may feel the same way.
Author Apollo85 Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) You say that in a way with ego, but that is fine. You have not been here long enough that social media, bread crumbs, and other quirks are snap shots and not what a person feels at the very moment that you intercept the crumb. At some point of time a person may feel lonely or sad and post a picture or not erase a photo. It means NOTHING. you said you were over her and unhappy. So why post? Your other ex did you leave them? What is the pattern? Logic and feelings do not go hand and hand. I guess you posting in here is equal to unresolved feelings right..? but you have no emotions to recon.. well she may feel the same way. It may seem like ego but it is a fact. I do not end relationships on a bad note and every girl I have dated I beleive to be special. They all have a place in my heart. I thought I was over her until this happened. What it seems is like I never went through the greiving process what so ever. Greiving does not equal willingness to reconcile at all and unwillingness to reconcile does not equal being completely emotionless to the situation. The fact is it makes me sad that it was a genuinely beautiful relationship that ended prematurely imo. We both didn't want it to end but we felt it needed to happen. These are the break ups that hurt the most like a slow burn. Listen to what you said for a moment. When someone feels Lonley or sad and they post or don't delete a photo it means they are Lonley and sad. I'm not sure how you mix those two emotions with nothing. The idea is not to care because it is irrelevant to you which is why they mean nothing. I'm not telling people to act on these bread crumbs I'm just pointing out that they are indeed bread crumbs. You can either accept it or you cannot. When a relationship ends amicably, the sex was good, there was serious chemistry and you carry yourself like a man in your affairs (in my case Atleast) that's a huge wide open door that women want to leave open. There is nothing wrong with being confident in the way you carry yourself and in my particular case most of my exes have returned in some way shape or form. But that doesnt mean I'm lingering on the false hope it will happen. It's over and I'm moving on but I'm just hurt and I'm talking to people here to help cope that's all. Edited May 4, 2017 by Apollo85 1
Author Apollo85 Posted May 9, 2017 Author Posted May 9, 2017 (edited) A small update for those of you who care to know. Appearently a mutual Freind of mine met up with my ex and she told her that she noticed I unfollowed her from social media and she couldn't understand why we could talk be freinds. She asked her if she told me about her new fling and she answered yes and my Freind told her "he would rather just not see that" My ex then said that she would also want to know if I was seeing somebody. Implying that it would also bother her. So my question is why bother being freinds if she would also be bothered by the fact? Edited May 9, 2017 by Apollo85
Recommended Posts