TheCanadianGuy94 Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 THE BOY - 22 years old, never had a relationship, only had sex once, and was working as a production assistant on a TV show. Divorced parents, grew up around cheating and alcohol abuse. Lived with his mom. THE GIRL -21 years old, had 2 long-term relationships (2-3 yrs), her first boyfriend was an alcoholic, and she broke up with him, and the second one cheated, and she broke up with him as well. She had a number of hook ups in between them, and was a local actress. Her mother passed away from cancer, and she was raised by her dad since she was 15, whom she still lived with. THE SET UP (MONTH 1) We met on the set, and became friendly over the course of a couple months. Interest on both sides eventually led to the us hooking up after a wrap party. We had chemistry almost immediately, and bonded quickly over a love of the same music, life philosophies, interests, and the sex was incredible. We spent a few nights together before she had to fly back home. On our last night together we didn't sleep so we didn't waste a moment of time together before her flight home. She begged me to fly out to see her, and for the first time in my life, I took a risk....I flew out to her. Was it crazy? Probably. But I didn't want another 'what if'? HONEYMOON (MONTH 1-2) I visit her in the big city, and she welcomes me in with open arms. We have sex all week and drive around exploring the city, her hometown and getting to know each other and her friends and family. We do this for a few amazing weeks, each day we grew more close, I never had chemistry like that in my life with anyone, friends included. I was convinced this was 'the one'. I realized after a few weeks that I couldn't leave this girl, but I also had no where to stay, nor the money to afford a place completely alone. So we made the completely irrational plan to move in together...after only a month of being together everyday. LIFESTYLE & MOVING IN TOGETHER (MONTH 2-5) We flew back to my home on my birthday, I packed by bags, and we drove my car halfway across the country, her Dad really liked me so he let me move in. I was on EI at the time because the industry dried up, and she was getting by with occasional acting gigs. We weren't paying rent, so we spent our money on gas and food. During this time we spent Christmas together, New Years, Valentine's Day...it was all magical, her family welcomed me in with open arms, her friends liked me, and we were an ambitious, optimistic couple. People were surprised by how fast we moved, but everyone noted that we seemed to be making it work well during those months. We spent the winter months renovating her Dad's basement apartment for ourselves, and eventually we had a private place of our own. But we spent....almost every second together for nearly 6 months. We woke up together, went to the gym together, planned our day around each other, went to bed together, repeat. We were convinced we were meant for each other. Passion was high. But as time wore on, we grew dependent on each other, and we got emotional. Suddenly little disagreements were taken personally, we found ourselves getting our feelings hurt often, and we became controlling in order to cover up our insecurities. Red Flags > She wanted me to delete every girl she was 'threatened' by off my social media, and I complied, to me none of them mattered anyway. But in return I asked for her to delete her exes, to me it was fair. (I know, immature) > I felt insecure about her being with a lot more people than me, she told me early on I was the 'best' but it messed with my confidence when I learned of some of the guys she was with. I doubted myself. > If she went to a house party with friends, I didn't mind, despite my insecurity I trusted her. But whenever I visited friends, she wanted me to completely avoid other girls at all costs, even talking to them. And for the record, I had never cheated or gave her any reason to doubt my loyalty. > She wanted my hobbies to be scheduled around her, if I wanted to sign up for classes of boxing for example, she would want the times to align up with when she was tutoring or at a dance class. She didn't support me doing something on my own time. THE BREAK (MONTH 5-6) In order to find a solution to our problems, she sought out her old family psychologist. As you can imagine, the psychologist didn't approve of our speed, and noted our unhealthy behavior. After a few lengthy sessions he felt she was unhealthy and advocated that she try to take some time alone if possible (without me as a crutch) and join a therapy group, 6 days a week. Well initially, she wanted to do this, just not the break from me. But after an argument one night, she decided it was for the best and she impulsively decided to do it. Having no where to go, and not wanting to feel unwelcome, I packed my bags that night, and drove 18 hours back home in one go, crying most of the way. She cried all day and called me multiple times on the way there, apologizing and promising she would come back for me in a month. And that we would be a stronger, healthier couple. I believed her. I moved in with my friend. She would text and call me all the time, we were talking and things were going well. Then everything happened.... (1) My first week back home, and she was upset I wasn't as productive as she wanted me to be to 'win her back'. And said I was spending too much time with family and friends, a cruel comment I thought considering how I spent so much time away from everyone. In order to rationalize this, I called up her aunt (a psychologist) and we talked for 2 hours. Well, when she heard about this she broke up with me. We reconciled a couple days later... (2) This one is odd -- She apparently gets a text from me with my phone search history and finds out I had been watching adult content, something she was against and I told her I wasn't watching it. I lied, but in my mind it was normal for a guy who was away from his girlfriend for a month to view that. However, eventually I confessed and she broke up with me. She apparently harmed herself that night because of it and attempted to OD, and blamed it on me. (Personally, I think she hacked my logged in GMAIL account on her laptop) And somehow...we reconciled again, this time however I was under heavy scrutiny, she wanted to know my every move. I felt so awful about everything that I complied. (3) It had been a week since the second incident, and the scrutiny was dying down, but at a moment's notice with an argument and she would come close to self harm. I felt trapped. And on top of it, she was giving me mixed signals -- one day she knew she loved me and wanted to be with me, the next she doesn't know. It was really hard on me, I couldn't move on with my life because I was relying on coming back home to her. THE END She flies out West to visit her sister at Uni, a trip she already had booked. We agreed to discuss our plans during her trip. While over there she signed with a big talent agency, and she says she has to move to this place now. A big life decision she didn't tell me about until the next day. I ask her how she feels about all of this, and she says she still doesn't know what she wants and needs a few months, maybe a year to figure it out. And she wants me to live my life. Well to me, this sounds like a break up, but when I ask her to be straight forward, she says she doesn't want to make that decision, but that she 'needs me', and doesn't want it to end. I tell her I can't wait that long, and we need to discuss a realistc plan sooner or I have to move on. And she doesn't message me. I text, I call, and I try to get a hold of her for over an hour. No answer. I see she's on Facebook, I try to get a hold of her but she continues to ignore me. After awhile, I get frustrated and break up with her over text, deleting her off everything and blocked her. I was so hurt after all this time to just be ignored. And I was not waiting that long for someone who 'didn't know what they want'. The next day I texted her a nicer message, basically saying that I didn't like how it ended, that I wish her well, and that I hope she has success in her industry. No reply. It has been a few days, and no reply. I don't regret the break up, but I don't feel closure from her lack of communication, it seems surprisingly cruel. I know this was for the best and it was unhealthy, but I can't help imagining what I could have done better, if she's with someone else, and I miss her terribly. Yesterday I forgot to delete her off one social media, and saw she was at a nightclub. It killed me, it had been 2 DAYS! I feel like I got played, but I'd like to hear some opinions on this mess of a relationship.
ML Hammer95 Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 First of all, it's been two days. Feelings are still charged right now and you shouldn't feel bad about how you feel. Two days isn't long enough for her to miss you either, in fact all the unanswered messages does perhaps indicate she feels a bit smothered. You've done the right thing in blocking contact. My ex also self-harmed and even attempted suicide and blamed my actions for it. I have struggled with it ever since but what you should realise is that it isn't your fault. That decision is 100% her responsibility and any mentally healthy person would not self-harm because of a person they'd been seeing for six months. She sounds very controlling... is that something you're happy to put up with? You should not have to suffer for her insecurities. I do think some time apart will help you see that this was not a sustainable, healthy relationship with a well-adjusted person.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2017 Posted May 1, 2017 First, hello fellow Canuck! Second - Wow. Way too much, way too soon. You two moved at warp speed without knowing each other. That is never a good move. I know you realize this now, but usually things that light up this quickly also burn out quickly. Why? Acting on impulse and without a solid foundation is not the way to create a healthy, sustainable relationship. She (and seemingly you, to an extent) makes decisions based on what feels good in the moment. Which means she'll also make the decision to cut you of her life just as quickly. If she's self-harming and overdosing, she's got psychological issues that must be dealt with before she should even think about dating. My guess is that she's got a lot of pain inside her and jumps quickly into relationships as a way to validate herself and ease the pain. Since the relationship cannot begin to address the real issues, the relationship falls apart when she sees her pain in still there. The extreme insecurity and attempts to control you and every part of your life speak to the above, too. She didn't get a text about your online activity. That's a load of BS. She more than likely logged into your email, as you suspect. In any case, she made unrealistic demands on you and behaved like your warden rather than your girlfriend. You wouldn't have been able to please this girl, because you didn't cause the deeper problems inside her. I think you need to chalk this up as important lesson: don't rush next time! There were red flags popping up all over the place. In some ways, it's better that you saw the extent of her instability now before you'd committed any further. I can't see how this would have worked out well for you in the long run. You're going to be better off with a girl who is emotionally stable and secure in herself, with a good head on her shoulders. Your ex has a lot of growing up to do and wasn't going to be The One.
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