Another player? Wtf..

[Alwaysthinkofme]

I'm not sure if this guy is yet again, another player.. I keep meeting these people that turn out to be something else. First said he didn't smoke or drink but, posted a while back about having to quit both. Next he constantly posts pictures of Playboy girls on his FB and getting some hot girls number.

 

He invited me to the beach this weekend, but feel the point is to just see me in a two piece. There is tons of perverted gestures all over his FB and didn't know this prior to fooling around. When we were making out I told him I didn't want to have sex because I was saving it for something special. He created every excuse "Come on bb, please, am I not special? Come on??"

 

There was pressure there and I feel there is no one to blame but, myself for that. When coming over to his place the intent was to teach him for an interview and home cooking, but noticed two folded towels on his bed..which was my first flag. After telling him I didn't want to, he got a condom out of the drawer anyways. How should I break this off or explain my feeling on this?

 

Should I just ghost him? (Still indeed learning) Should I stop dating till I can learn not to do this?! I'm angry at myself for letting this happen..there was a huge fight with my Grandmother that day over something stupid and slipped with the pressure being there..was our 3rd date.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Tressugar]

Where are you meeting these losers from???

 

Tell dude to lose your number.

 

Raise your stakes higher. Let these men prove themselves to you before anything with them. Think of it as an interview. Take these dudes applications and see how they can qualify themselves before taking you on the first date.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

Thank you for the advice, I keep meeting them on POF and a lot of my friends say that its a place for guys to find woman in sex..not much more than that. I think it has more to do with self control and what you described..will keep this written down.

[Tressugar]

Don't lose hope. There's a few good men out there. I don't know if you'll find any of POF.

[winny]

the quality of people in our society as a whole is on the decline. most people are only looking for quick gratification. this is very sad and i feel for u bcoz i have been thru this. have patience is all i have to say. and yeah for this guy -- just block him.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

Seriously thanks for all the support, yeah I've been seeing this and will not give up hope.

[leogirl876]

Thank you for the advice, I keep meeting them on POF and a lot of my friends say that its a place for guys to find woman in sex..not much more than that. I think it has more to do with self control and what you described..will keep this written down.

 

I refuse to ever go out with someone I meet on OLD again! I never had so many dating problems until I started OLD.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

Think it depends on how things are in that sense, what type of person you come across and self control most importantly. (May be one to talk here)

 

I'm not positive if it has more to do with it being POF or just the lack of boys that turn over looking for toys in the end. I had a pretty deep discussion (hate ghosting) making it clear that sex would be off the table entirely and how the pressure initially was there against my wishes. I'm not looking for games or flings and if that is the intent, I could point him to the closest strip joint or set a hook up with a heart breaker.

 

We have a rare similar talent and that gives us a lot of common interest. There is also no doubt there has been a connection prior to this taking place. At this point all I'm seeking to do is take things slow and go with what time has to offer without intimacy under the sheets. Now days it is very hard to tell the players from those who are truly looking for something and having sex too soon makes that difficult. I have no doubt that he had been set on doing things on our date, but being pushy has turned me away from hoping things progress.

 

Players on the other hand can be easy to spot and those red flags can hit you in the face one after another, think its something internally I need to work on. There has been so much **** going on that it has caused all my focus to be on other things than making sure dating doesn't get out of hand. Just need to make sure those I'm dating are interviewed prior to this thoroughly.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Dtrain2EtOWN]

What if instead of a condom, he took out a saw and said 'I am gonna take your arm. Come on bb you know you want to." It would not have happened. You would have seen clearly where you stood. You would have also rightly questioned his value to you in the long term. No arm makes you less marketable. Next.

 

Young women are cattle saddled with the defacto burden of chastity. When we want him a fling is counterproductive. We have to play the role and hope he means what he says. We feel worth less if he doesn't. I have had a ball with the girls swapping stories of depravity without a lick of remorse when propinquity worked in my favor. I have lectured friends and defended their name. I have been cast down for being a tease and labeled a prude. It is a waste.

 

Small wonder it takes us so long to figure out what buttons need pushed and how to get that done. Particularly when interest and dedication in our counterparts remains low regardless of intent or time spent. Different thread though.

 

Summarily until the ripe old age of 30 or so the name of the game is pin the scarlet letter on the vajayjay.

 

You decide. I would use FB as the acid test going forward.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

If a guy has tons of perverted pics up on FB dating back from 2012, does this still mean he is the same way? He keeps saying that it was the past and that they are for art..but I'm finding more things that keep gesturing that him being perverted is true. From pics that are sexual signs like humping symbols on a woman's jacket, two shadow girls back to back, when covering half of them looks like its a woman spreading open. Tons of pics with girls in them, liking Playboy.

 

I get guys like girls but, there are so many pics and it makes me think that in this time frame there is no way he could had changed. The one thing that gets me is that he told me he doesn't drink or smoke, but has pics of alcohol bottles up that are dated old. Claiming that they were just to show off back in college. His comments say he was going to rush one down using another alcohol and invited some girl for shots in a comment.

 

He wants me to put the past behind and not judge things based on that, but the thing is these bells keep going off like sirens. He also mentioned that his friends and others have claimed him to be a player even though most of these pics are for art. This has me feeling really depressed because we both shared that similarity in talent and the thought runs through my head "Doesn't a guy want to use his heart?" Are many men comfortable with just using woman till the last minute? At this point I've brought it up several times, so saying this again to him comes off as me worrying a lot.

 

Are people like this capable of changing and is this guy a liar? I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to being blinded by things that other's would see as very concerning. He also says that his FB is just really old, but he has been on there before during our date before watching movies saying "I don't have a lot of friends on there.."

 

When he added me I can't see his friend list at all..his inspiration is realism in drawing people, similar to mine..so it feels like he uses this excuse.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zahara]

When your "bells keep going off like sirens" -- walk away. Based on your past thread, you keep meeting these types that don't sit well with you. Pay attention to those warning signs.

 

And when you're seeking someone to date, don't specifically focus on common interests, but instead focus on core values. Just because he has the same talent as you, it doesn't mean you latch on to that one thing -- focus on core values -- is he trustworthy, is he respectful, is he honest, etc. Does he convey decent/good character? Judging from your post, if you're already questioning his character and it seems that there are many inconsistencies jumping at you, walk away. Stop analyzing it. You said you don't see things others see, but you do. You just don't trust your judgment.

 

He's not the only guy walking the earth. Keep on meeting others, boundaries in tow and standards high.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Zahara

[d0nnivain]

If he's a player he's a bad one. Players are suave. They don't get caught in stupid obvious lies. They don't beg & they don't rub one woman's nose in a bunch of other women. They also don't beg for sex. "Come on bb" just no. This guy is a cad, not a player, there is a difference. A subtle one because you certainly can't trust a player with your heart but they generally aren't crude.

 

 

Why are you looking 5 years into his FB? Really? You are upset about stuff he posted in 2012?

 

 

People can change a little. If he did that stuff 5 years ago when he was in college -- post alcohol & Playboy pictures -- he might have grown up since then. That does happen.

 

 

If you have never seen him take a drink even though he has alcohol pictures from 5 years ago he may actually have quit.

 

 

In the short run if you are skeeved out by his behavior -- and I am -- stop dating him. Your problem is not so much that he's awful; it's that you're sticking around.

[Gaeta]

If you keep on meeting players it's because you don't use enough common sense and you don't dump them at the first red flag. Stop giving chances to men that act like jerks. These men don't 'turned out' to be players, they are players from the very beginning but you close your eyes.

 

Next he constantly posts pictures of Playboy girls on his FB and getting some hot girls number.

 

When you add a guy on FB and you realized he's got playboy pictures all his wall you dump him! You don't go on 1-2 or 3 dates with him, you dump him immediately.

 

"Come on bb, please, am I not special? Come on??" There was pressure there and I feel there is no one to blame but, myself for that. When coming over to his place the intent was to teach him for an interview and home cooking, but noticed two folded towels on his bed..which was my first flag. After telling him I didn't want to, he got a condom out of the drawer anyways. How should I break this off or explain my feeling on this?

 

Typical game from a player. You do not explain yourself to him, you don't need to put on white gloves. Just tell him it's not gonna work between you and good bye, nothing else. If he insists just hang up.

 

Players all drop hints before a first meeting. They will call you baby, sweetie, sexy, even before meeting you. If you add them on FB before meeting and notice they're flirty or have porn like post then don't go on dates with them. Don't meet them, don't give them chances!

[Miss Spider]

Yes. He is absolutely still the same way. Don't bother trying to talk yourself out of thinking this guy's a dog. He couldn't make it more obvious if he wrote it on his forehead

[smackie9]

The more you meet, the more you will learn from it, the more you will get educated. Knowledge is power.

[kendahke]

I think you should ghost him and block him from all means of contacting you.

 

How did your first two dates go?

[tetrahedral]

Thank you for the advice, I keep meeting them on POF and a lot of my friends say that its a place for guys to find woman in sex..not much more than that. I think it has more to do with self control and what you described..will keep this written down.

 

Well, the common denominator is you.

 

It's funny, because I read all these stories about dating horror on here. But none of my female friends complain about constantly meeting players and deadbeats.

 

"Men are all players" seems LoveShack's female analogue of how according to "women will only date you if you're 6'0".

[Alwaysthinkofme]

The first two dates went good and it was just a meetup with a hug on the first date, but he kept looking at every good looking female that would walk by towards the evening. (This bothered me) Payed for dinner and had a great conversation throughout the day. I appreciate the posts because I really need to hear this and read it out to myself. I'm not going to keep pushing this with every warning smacking me in the face and I do feel my eyes close to these signs. Its almost like my mind says "Well...it could be something else, he might be looking for something, maybe the pics is for art." Then seeing all the perverted gestures posted back 5 years tell another story and twists that thought. Sure..people can change and I by looking back there was hope it would tell me more about the guy, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to stumble across. At this point ghosting sounds better than saying anything to him, given he tries confusing those intentions. Seriously..thanks again for the help and I'm starting to think all men start as players or I'm just meeting them under a rock. >_<

[kendahke]

I keep meeting them on POF and a lot of my friends say that its a place for guys to find woman in sex..not much more than that.

 

I've met a lovely gentleman on POF and we've gone on a number of dates... and he wants to keep seeing me, he drives to meet me (only because that's how our schedules have worked out so far), talks with me every day along with texting most days and wants to explore more with me. While yes, there are those on these sites who are only after hookups, truth be told, there are people in real life who are only looking for hookups, too--it's just they aren't concentrated in one spot as one finds on OLD.

 

The word "no" works really well if it's something you're not interested in. Also, not giving strangers benefits of the doubt until they've proven their consistency with what their profile says works well, too. In some ways, you have to be ruthless--and those whose intentions are on the up and up have no problem with this, as they're trying to weed out the fakes themselves and understand the struggle is real.

 

It's taken me a couple of years to find someone who is real and genuine. I've had to stomp a lot of toads to get here. I've gotten stomped on, too. Even in real life, finding someone you connect with isn't easy, so why should OLD be any different?

[GemmaUK]

He's not a player - he is openly a guy who wants in your pants.

 

Do you want that?

 

If not just ghost or ditch.

 

You don't appear to employ boundaries - do you lack self esteem?

If you lack self esteem then quit dating until you are strong enough to set and stick to boundaries.

 

This guy is not any kind of relationship material.

[frigginlost]

The first two dates went good and it was just a meetup with a hug on the first date, but he kept looking at every good looking female that would walk by towards the evening. (This bothered me) Payed for dinner and had a great conversation throughout the day. I appreciate the posts because I really need to hear this and read it out to myself. I'm not going to keep pushing this with every warning smacking me in the face and I do feel my eyes close to these signs. Its almost like my mind says "Well...it could be something else, he might be looking for something, maybe the pics is for art." Then seeing all the perverted gestures posted back 5 years tell another story and twists that thought. Sure..people can change and I by looking back there was hope it would tell me more about the guy, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to stumble across. At this point ghosting sounds better than saying anything to him, given he tries confusing those intentions. Seriously..thanks again for the help and I'm starting to think all men start as players or I'm just meeting them under a rock. >_<

 

Not true. At all.

 

Sometimes you have to take ownership in the fact that it is not the target, but the scope. Improve your aim.

 

Every girl is going to run up against a player. Those that return to the same type of guy need to look at themselves. Players are extremely easy to weed out. Females get caught up in the "understanding him/accepting him" phase and put blinders on as the player traits overpower the common sense warnings. (re-read your posts, that's exactly what you're doing) Players feed on that...

[Zahara]

I'm starting to think all men start as players or I'm just meeting them under a rock. >_<

 

I had this mindset back in the day when I was fueled with hurt and disappointment and yes, low self-esteem. I took some years off dating and focused on myself, emerging with a healthier perspective and coupled with stronger boundaries.

 

I've met a man on OLD. But before I met him, I found myself inundated with messages from men on OLD. You truly have to sieve through these profiles and have a strong filter. Ten years ago, I'd probably be hooked on one of those clowns but I see through a different lense now.

 

This man treats me with utter respect. He's always wanting communication -- no, not text but to speak on the phone. He's always making plans in advance. He's polite and caring and is emotionally articulate and expressive. It's just easy -- and that's a great sign.

 

It's taken me a long time to find someone with good character and one that is genuine. So, don't give up hope. Keep your standards high. As Smackie mentioned, it's likely going to be a learning process for you.

 

Not every guy is going to be a player, you just have to step away when you feel that he is one and keep moving on along. Don't let these types discourage you. Figure out what you want in a man, in a relationship -- set those standards, boundaries and values for yourself -- you'll be able to get out of situations like these much sooner because you are confident in what you want for yourself.

[stillafool]

The first two dates went good and it was just a meetup with a hug on the first date, but he kept looking at every good looking female that would walk by towards the evening. (This bothered me) Payed for dinner and had a great conversation throughout the day. I appreciate the posts because I really need to hear this and read it out to myself. I'm not going to keep pushing this with every warning smacking me in the face and I do feel my eyes close to these signs. Its almost like my mind says "Well...it could be something else, he might be looking for something, maybe the pics is for art." Then seeing all the perverted gestures posted back 5 years tell another story and twists that thought. Sure..people can change and I by looking back there was hope it would tell me more about the guy, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to stumble across. At this point ghosting sounds better than saying anything to him, given he tries confusing those intentions. Seriously..thanks again for the help and I'm starting to think all men start as players or I'm just meeting them under a rock. >_<

 

Looking at every good looking female that walked his way on your first date should have been a clue not to give him a second date. Maybe you should have checked his FB at that point or before you even went out the first time. When he pulled out the condom you definitely shouldn't have kept seeing him if it made you uncomfortable. You have to take responsibility for yourself.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

I was cheated on for about two in a half years in an over 4 year relationship, so I'm thinking that took a giant hit towards my self esteem. Grandmother tend to assert herself a lot in between us, from leaving pictures of her own wedding in boxes and making killing gestures like throat cutting when living here..I had to hide behind my car to get away. My ex had to come and get me a lot, allowing me to live with him to avoid the random abuse. He started fooling around with a new coworker and the signs in that relationship I didn't look at as well. His excuse was "I couldn't take your Grandmother, she is crazy and I didn't see us having the ability for a future and the racism on your Grandfather's end was a lot." (Fast forwarding to now..) At first there wasn't anyone to consider, in fact.. meeting people in public had better results at first. Just ignored those positive signs and let those people walk out without making a move to say anything or meet others. (Shy I guess or not confident) I bought a book on gaining this that is helpful and just started reading it, with not much time invested to really put those things into test. Living in a crazy environment I think also takes hits as well, my Grandmother can be very hateful when things go right in my life..making me do the opposite of just that. I'll think I'm not worth much or something has to be wrong with me, plus I tend to worry a lot..same things she does. POF/OLD is really filled with tons of guys like this, looking for vulnerable or woman without clear judgement. Its nice to know that there are few, if it takes me years to find that someone then okay. In the meantime I'll need to work on myself for sure..

 

The suck part was giving in too soon in major stress and when thinking about if my arm were being cut off..this would be more alerting. I'm wanting to treat it the same way, when no means NO and someone keeps pushing the idea. When I stop to think about things, the signs are painted red from the towels on the bed, the constant looking at girls and all the perverted **** plastered in his photos. I broke things off just recently and cut those ties, it feels depressing even though I know its the right thing to do. (Low self esteem) I put way to much emphasis on us both being artist that I closed my eyes to things entirely.

 

(Off topic)

With drama going on I'm debating on giving 30 days notice and just leaving this place, because the stress of wanting to go to college is a lot to handle. My Grandmother wants to force me into therapy over the $3 I bitched about her stealing. (She did) Her taking these constant jabs at me, sometimes pulls the shades over my eyes to what is acceptable. I've been to 5 therapist who are professionals who claim she is nuts, warped and suffers a great mental illness. Each time someone makes those claims its "She doesn't know what she is talking about, she must not be right, who the **** does she think she is?" At this point I want out one way or another, so dating might need to take a major back seat till things get straightened out. I don't want to fail at college because of this and being threatened with being kicked out all the time is not going to fly.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Alwaysthinkofme

[kendahke]

It's time for you to move out of your grandmother's house or severely restrict your interaction with her if you're on your own. She's toxic and means you no good. Family or no, no one has the right to treat you like trash and you have to stand up for yourself and put a stop to her being able to abuse you.