This is a little more difficult than just "I have feelings for someone else"...

[merc]

Hello everyone, I'm in a tough situation and I would really appreciate any input that you can give...

 

I’ve been in a relationship for a year and 7 mos now. This relationship has had its ups and downs... She has broken up with me at least 3 times, but we've always gotten back together. The longest that we were broken up was about a month. Things seem to have gotten better over time and we are currently living together. We have always had some pretty intense fights, which usually end up with her leaving. Not leaving me permanently, but just leaving for a while. That’s not necessarily the way that I like to handle problems. I'm the type of person who likes to talk things through and get to the root of the problem. She's not too big on that.

 

Now, I really love and care about this girl, but there is a part of me that knows that there might be someone else out there who will make me happier. There was a point where I went so far as to buy her an engagement ring. I went out, had the jeweler build the ring and brought it home, trying to plan the perfect time to give it to her.... a week went buy and well, I actually decided to take it back. It was partially a decision based on the fact that I couldn't marry a girl who treated me like she does sometimes and partially the fact that I didn't know if I could afford it (because she at that point in time had recently quit her job and I had to make sure that bills were going to be taken care of...). That right there should be some sort of sign....

 

Well, recently I've actually been developing feelings for another girl. She's amazing. I look forward to any kind of communication from her at all and I feel happy when I'm with her. Let me clarify that nothing much has happened between us yet...We've only done some hand holding and cuddling, which is great, I must admit. I really really feel bad about this whole thing, but can't help but feel attracted to her.

 

Now the interesting part.....

This girl is actually the cousin of my current girlfriend. I know, I know.... Horrible. But, you can't help who you have feelings for.

 

The cousin is pretty torn about this whole thing too. Initially, she didn't really admit feeling anything until it just built up to the point of being obvious to us both. And at first, she said that she couldn't do this....that it was too weird and basically that she couldn't hurt her cousin. I can totally respect that. But, we have been calling, emailing and instant messaging quite a bit and the feelings just seem to be getting stronger.

 

I recently discussed how I felt with the cousin and she admits that she, like me, could see being with each other... We both want more, but it can't really go anywhere, the way things currently are. Her family would be pretty upset and neither wants to hurt my girlfriend or piss off the family.

 

Now, my girlfriend has been noticing that I have not been happy and has begun wondering what my deal is. I've tried talking with her about my not being happy in the relationship and how I just don't know if it is what I want. She hasn't really said too much but let me 'get things off my chest' as she put it. Yesterday, she made the comment that it seems like the only time that I am happy is when the cousin is around... Lately, the cousin comes over every weekend. We do things as a group. (Watch movies, mini-golf, bowling, that type of thing...) And I can't help but wait for when she sneaks a moment of playing with my hair or holding my hand.

 

I've been feeling horrible and I really don't know what to do. I just don't want to hurt my girlfriend. And what if I take a chance and end up ruining something that could've lasted a lifetime. I really do care about her, but I don't think that I'm happy here.

 

I haven't been looking for someone else and I didn't set out for this to happen, but it has. And I don't really want to lose the cousin.

 

I'm hoping that maybe someone out there can give me some good advice and help me make the right step in this situation.... I really appreciate it!

[d'Arthez]

Tough situation, but your girlfriend is already aware that something is not right. She does not know what exactly, but will probably guess that it has to do with her cousin. Your lying about it does not improve her understanding either.

 

If you do not want to hurt your girlfriend, and not break up with her, the best thing you could do is stop seeing her cousin, and make arrangements for seeing her cousin.

 

If you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, and break up with her to pursue something with her cousin, that is simply impossible. How would you feel if your girlfriend would dump you out of nowhere? I bet it is not indifferent. Add to that, that you will pursuing things with her cousin, you will in all likelihood risk any chance of friendship with your girlfriend. And your cousin may lose the relationship with your girlfriend.

Considering that you and her cousin are already planning to try things with each other (hey, it does not take an Einstein to discover that something between the two of you might have gone on while you were in a relationship with your girlfriend; an accusation that you cheated on her with her cousin is almost impossible to disprove, so you might come to have to deal with that too), you can be certain that the family of your girlfriend, and the family of her cousin will not be too thrilled about you.

 

In all likelihood however, you experience a bit of infatuation with her cousin. You have been in a relationship for quite a while, and things might have grown a bit mundane. Hopping to another relationship will solve that problem for about 18 months. And then it will happen again. Unless you and your girlfriend keep working at the relationship, this something that is bound to repeat itself. Have the both of you worked sufficiently on maintaining the relationship?

 

No one is perfect, and that includes her cousin. Your girlfriends way of fighting out arguments does not seem to be the healthiest. But without doubt you have some problems relating to your girlfriend too

 

Sure, there might be someone out there who could make you happier. The counter question is of course if you can offer something to that particular person to make her happier than she would have been otherwise.

But if you choose to pursue something with her cousin, it is probably wisest to break up as soon as possible, and stop the pretending that nothing goes on..

 

You will never have a certainty beforehand in life, if things will work out or not. Life simply does not work that way. You can have simply no guarantee that you and her cousin would work out, even in the best of circumstances.

You can't prevent hurt, if you get yourself in sticky situations, and are not content with what you have.

[whichwayisup]

Well I don't envy you right now, this is a tough spot.

 

I'm not sure if you've transferred feelings from your girlfriend to her cousin, and that could be confusing you, or if you really are falling for the cousin.

 

I think right now the best thing to do would limit her cousin coming to hang out every weekend. Your girlfriend isn't stupid, she has already noticed that you "perk" up when the cousin is over. Trust me, it won't be long before she walks in on you two holding hands or cuddling. Actually, she'll probably pick up on the intensity of the energy between you two first and then pay more attention.

 

I understand the curiosity of the unknown and feeling that crush feeling. Problem here is both of you are being selfish (sorry, I don't mean that to sound bitchy) by pursuing this. Each of you know it's wrong - For all the reasons you listed, you're aware, yet still continue to talk, email and IM. Right now both of you are willingly hurting your girlfriend, her cousin.

 

End it completely. Be by yourself for a while, get over the feelings for your girlfriend and then at some point casually start dating the cousin. The cousin will work things out with your girlfriend. This is the only right and fair way to go in your situation.

 

I'm glad to hear that you didn't get engaged. The way your gf handles things, not being able to communicate maturely isn't good. Seems your gut instinct just KNEW that she wasn't the one. The thing is, are you sure you felt this way before those feelings for her cousin, or did the cousin turn your head and just make your feelings confused....

 

Good luck either way and keep posting.

[loony]

I think you're unhappy in your relationship and now you're projecting all the romantic feelings that are there but not really reciprocated by your girlfriend onto her cousin. You like your girlfriend, but because she acts so weird you feel unloved. Her cousin is giving you the feeling that she's interested in you. You haven't decided yet to give up on your girlfriend, because actually deep down inside you know that this thing with her cousin is more a mean to ease the pain that comes from feeling rejected whenever your girlfriend turns away and shuts you out of her life. She is putting you through a lot of stress while her cousin gives you the butterflies. (I wonder if I write this, because I have spent too much time reading posts about affairs and husbands who have gone astray but then realized that actually they love their wife? )

 

If you break up with your girlfriend and start dating her cousin she will feel betrayed twice. And even if you don't break up with her she will still feel betrayed by her cousin. She will think that she was good enough till you found someone else who was better.

 

I think you should be honest and break it off with both and take your time to figure out what you want. Give them the chance, too, to take their own decision. Think about the problems that caused you to get into such a situation, you obviously failed to communicate properly with your girlfriend about how you feel whenever she decides to leave you during a fight, but you obviously are also not really ready to understand the significance of engagement and marriage otherwise you wouldn't have considered buying her a ring when your relationship was so shaky.

 

I don't know, maybe you will decide that you don't want to work on the old relationship and instead would prefer to start afresh with someone else with whom you haven't had problems (yet), you should bring some clarity in your current situation now because otherwise you will turn this situation in a sticky mess with a lot of hurt feelings, well, actually it is sticky already. Having two women at the same time is a difficult situation.

[merc]

I really thank everyone for getting back to me.

 

I guess I know that what you all are saying is true. I need to break it off. But the girlfriend will be hard. I just keep thinking about how she is going to feel and it kills me.

 

I don't think that I am necessarily projecting the un-reciprocated feelings onto her cousin. Its not like my girlfriend is completely pushing me away... She does show affection and does love me. I just don't know if I can live my life waiting for and dealing with the problems, after everything so far...

 

(Oh, and to clarify a bit, the almost-engagement took place a while before the cousin came into play...)

 

I really have tried to explain to her how I feel about the fights that we have and how she walks out on things. We have even gone to relationship counseling. She didn't really want to have it. It was strange. I just wanted to feel better...to get past whatever it was that was causing our problems. She just didn't want to go talk to someone, but she did a few times. Nothing really ever came of it. She didn't want to try the exercises that the Dr. gave us. And things just fell back into the same place as they always were. I really feel like I've tried so much and changed so much from who I was, just to try to make her feel better...and I didn't really get anywhere. She's calmed down a bit now, but I feel that the damage is done. I should've done something after the last fight when I thought, "I can't spend my life like this...I don't deserve this...". But I didn't.

[AleroGurl]

then do something now.

if ur not happy...why punish urself?

[AleroGurl]

then do something now.

if ur not happy...why punish urself?

[NYCmitch25]

I’ve been in a relationship for a year and 7 mos now. This relationship has had its ups and downs... She has broken up with me at least 3 times, but we've always gotten back together.

 

This is a disengenous thread because you come off as if you are doing right by your current girlfriend. If you guys are having tough times, you certianly aren't doing her any favors by continuing them. Why does she get to be "blessed" with your wonderfully half-assed attempts at being a boyfriend because you are conflicted about her? I would guess that you are conflicted because either you don't know how to say "no" or you actually think it's OK since you feel comforatble in that relationship and it's running at 3/5 ths capacity. I did this for a while once, I can relate, however this girl was abused physically and needed help getting through it but I eventually realized that even that case was a mistake on my part. Also, do you expect us all to believe it's OK for you to jump from your ex. to a family member, and almost imediately? Also, you make it a point to state that she dumped YOU three times as if she is the promoter of this idea when you then give conflicting comments about you expressing that you are "unhappy" (i.e. I don't believe you) . Man, your idea of doing the "right thing" is pretty lame, break up with this poor girl and find someone that isn't in her family!