Gary335 Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 So I met a girl on OKCupid about a week ago, and we had our first date tonight. It went fairly well I think, we seemed to enjoy each other's company, made each other laugh, all that stuff. But I had some sort of anxiety attack during the date, which really screwed me up and kept me from being my best self. But she knew what was going on, and didn't seem too put off. At the end of the night I walked her to her car, and when we got there she reached out for a hug, so we hugged, and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I told her I had a nice time, and hoped she did too. She said she did, and I told her I hoped I could see her again. She giggled and said maybe so, maybe not, we shall see. So I'm a little confused. I usually know at the end of the first date where I stand with a woman. But her playful, yet uncertain, response is like nothing I've ever gotten from a girl before. On one hand, it wasn't an all out no. But neither was it a sure yes. So I guess what I'm asking is, in your opinion, what exactly does an answer like this mean? Maybe she wants to give it some thought? Should I be feeling hopeful that a second date might be in the future?
GemmaUK Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 I think she's going to think about it but also gauge how you behave in between a possible next date. Why did you have a panic attack? What happened exactly? 3
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 Perhaps she was attempting to flirt with you... It sounds like you got a positive enough response from her to ask her out again. So, take the risk. If she says no, it's nothing lost. But, there could be a lot to gain...
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 I suspect she was trying to be coy. Frankly in light of what you described as the anxiety attack on the date, I thought it was cruel of her to equivocate. If she doesn't want to see you again, she should have said so but in her defense maybe she was afraid of being direct because she didn't know how you'd take flat out rejection. All you can do at this point is got for it by asking her out again or just give up & walk away. If you think there is no coming back from what happened with your anxiety attack &/or you are embarrassed by it, don't bother.
Author Gary335 Posted April 30, 2017 Author Posted April 30, 2017 To the poster who asked, I'm not sure what caused the panic attack, it happened before I even arrived for the date. It's an issue I've dealt with for some time. I did have to cross a long bridge on the way to her, and it seemed to start there. Being nervous with the first date jitters didn't help matters any, though I'm sure that alone didn't cause it. I've been on many first dates without a problem. She sent me a good morning text this morning, and after some discussion, she seems to think I'm not disagreeable enough. For example, while we were in her car (and I was still in the midst of fighting the attack) she asked if she was driving too fast. I told her no, because she wasn't. She thought I should have told her she was, because she could clearly see I was uncomfortable. I explained that it was not her driving that caused that, but the attack. In the end, she said she's not sure where she stands as far as whether we'll see each other again. What do I say to her at this point? I have no problem being assertive. But she picked a really poor time to test it. In the grand scheme of things, disagreeing with her wasn't exactly top of mind in that moment. IS there anything I can do at this point? I really like her a lot. We have so much in common, and she practically knows me as well as I know myself! I'd really like to see this work.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 Stop vacillating. Tell her you are taking her advice & being more disagreeable You wholeheartedly disagree with her assessment that you shouldn't see each other again & that you think she should {do some activity} with you on{date} at {time}. 3
Miss Spider Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 (edited) "Maybe so, maybe not, we shall see"? id just move on. Sorry you had a panic attack. Dates can do that. I hope you can get your anxiety under control. Edited April 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2017 Posted April 30, 2017 I would just be honest and tell her that you really enjoyed her company, and you would definitely like to see her again. Suggest something really fun. You have nothing to lose if you give it a try... 2
Author Gary335 Posted April 30, 2017 Author Posted April 30, 2017 Took donnivain's advice-it worked. She agreed to see me again. But she also said she's not sure if she wants a relationship or not. She said dating makes her feel awkward and uncomfortable. I told her it's supposed to feel that way to some extent, after all we're new to each other and still trying to get to know one another. That seemed to calm her down a bit, and she agreed to see me again. I don't know how optimistic I feel, but I suppose a yes is a yes. 1
Author Gary335 Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 So it turns out there isn't going to be a second date after all. She told me this morning that she thought she wanted to be in a relationship, but with her issues, and her son's issues, she's not able to handle a relationship right now. She also said she wants me to work on me, get help for my anxiety, and get myself to a better place. She said she thinks I'm a great guy, and she just wants to see me get better. So here's my final question on this, and the women may be able to answer this one better, but any insight from anyone is appreciated. Is there any hope for a future with this girl? Girls, if you were in this situation, and you saw the guy making an effort to get himself better, would you be inclined to try again with him at some point? And yes, I'm assuming her explanation was truthful. I've found her to be incredibly honest, and I have no reason to doubt her now. 1
Miss Spider Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 I would just move on. She just not that interested. Others that are are out there for you. 1
coolheadal Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 So I met a girl on OKCupid about a week ago, and we had our first date tonight. It went fairly well I think, we seemed to enjoy each other's company, made each other laugh, all that stuff. But I had some sort of anxiety attack during the date, which really screwed me up and kept me from being my best self. But she knew what was going on, and didn't seem too put off. At the end of the night I walked her to her car, and when we got there she reached out for a hug, so we hugged, and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I told her I had a nice time, and hoped she did too. She said she did, and I told her I hoped I could see her again. She giggled and said maybe so, maybe not, we shall see. So I'm a little confused. I usually know at the end of the first date where I stand with a woman. But her playful, yet uncertain, response is like nothing I've ever gotten from a girl before. On one hand, it wasn't an all out no. But neither was it a sure yes. So I guess what I'm asking is, in your opinion, what exactly does an answer like this mean? Maybe she wants to give it some thought? Should I be feeling hopeful that a second date might be in the future? Maybe means as it says just maybe she'll go out with you again? What has happen since this date any feedback from her yet?
Miss Spider Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 So it turns out there isn't going to be a second date after all. She told me this morning that she thought she wanted to be in a relationship, but with her issues, and her son's issues, she's not able to handle a relationship right now. She also said she wants me to work on me, get help for my anxiety, and get myself to a better place. She said she thinks I'm a great guy, and she just wants to see me get better. So here's my final question on this, and the women may be able to answer this one better, but any insight from anyone is appreciated. Is there any hope for a future with this girl? Girls, if you were in this situation, and you saw the guy making an effort to get himself better, would you be inclined to try again with him at some point? And yes, I'm assuming her explanation was truthful. I've found her to be incredibly honest, and I have no reason to doubt her now. Please do get help for your anxiety issues. anxiety, aside from being awful to experience, doesn't allow us to be our best selves. Let her go and concentrate on you. Who knows what happens down the road
coolheadal Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 So it turns out there isn't going to be a second date after all. She told me this morning that she thought she wanted to be in a relationship, but with her issues, and her son's issues, she's not able to handle a relationship right now. She also said she wants me to work on me, get help for my anxiety, and get myself to a better place. She said she thinks I'm a great guy, and she just wants to see me get better. So here's my final question on this, and the women may be able to answer this one better, but any insight from anyone is appreciated. Is there any hope for a future with this girl? Girls, if you were in this situation, and you saw the guy making an effort to get himself better, would you be inclined to try again with him at some point? And yes, I'm assuming her explanation was truthful. I've found her to be incredibly honest, and I have no reason to doubt her now. She gave you excuse to why she doesn't want to date you. Without hurting your feelings in her unpredictable ways.. She also telling you some advice also. But in all boils down to she's not really into you and you can do better than her. You wouldn't be a right fit for her and her son together. Now you move on and find someone you can be with forever. 1
act00 Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 The update speaks volumes. She has a lot of responsibility caring for her son. She absolutely does not need to be dealing with a man who shuts down with debilitating anxiety. I'll be serious with you here. If a guy I had the first date with melted down with some psychological issue, I would not pursue it further. I have myself and my two children to care for, pets, and a home, a job, dinner, chores, bills, and the last thing I need is a "third child." I also want a stable man who can earn an income, hold down a job, manage life stresses, care for a home, care for children, grocery shop, and function around friends and family and crowds and BBQs. She was gentle in her approach that this relationship isn't going to work for her. She stated she wasn't ready for a relationship after all. What she isn't ready for, is involving herself with a man who requires as much attention and care as her child, and who breaks down, and will fully drop the ball at some point, leaving her to do all the work...if you ever made it to long-term, which you won't. You are not secure as a provider and partner and stepfather. You need to seek assistance in managing your anxiety.
todreaminblue Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 who can say if you work on yourself adn down the track you go assertive and say hey ....i would like to take you out whether she would say yes or no.....have crippling anxiety is hard...i deal with it myself..my anxiety often comes externally.......and it isnt about anything tangible it happens.... having children to care for does need a special type of man to step up .....its a hgih stress job.and i dont mean even a step parent just a role model who cares.......full time job no breaks for the mum....unless liek me you fidn that special spot to hide away for a while....:0)....psychological issues dotn stop you from makign a good role model for kids...but being able to handle the shyte storms does.....and it gets hard... she did you a true blue favor by being honest with you.....work on you.....and maybe...you never know...what i do know if you work on you...you will be better offf for knowing her....and in a happier place to date others with the confidence to follow your heart.....who knows if it will lead back to her..personally if ti were me i would give you another date if you worked on you...i woudl respect your efforts and want to give it a go..first dates are often anxious and awkward anyway......deb.....
Author Gary335 Posted May 2, 2017 Author Posted May 2, 2017 The update speaks volumes. She has a lot of responsibility caring for her son. She absolutely does not need to be dealing with a man who shuts down with debilitating anxiety. I'll be serious with you here. If a guy I had the first date with melted down with some psychological issue, I would not pursue it further. I have myself and my two children to care for, pets, and a home, a job, dinner, chores, bills, and the last thing I need is a "third child." I also want a stable man who can earn an income, hold down a job, manage life stresses, care for a home, care for children, grocery shop, and function around friends and family and crowds and BBQs. She was gentle in her approach that this relationship isn't going to work for her. She stated she wasn't ready for a relationship after all. What she isn't ready for, is involving herself with a man who requires as much attention and care as her child, and who breaks down, and will fully drop the ball at some point, leaving her to do all the work...if you ever made it to long-term, which you won't. You are not secure as a provider and partner and stepfather. You need to seek assistance in managing your anxiety. It's funny, I do all of those things. Having this issue has never stopped me from doing any of those. It's a small problem, it doesn't run my life. You are ignorant and assuming way too much. deb, thanks for your response.
tetrahedral Posted May 2, 2017 Posted May 2, 2017 It's funny, I do all of those things. Having this issue has never stopped me from doing any of those. It's a small problem, it doesn't run my life. You are ignorant and assuming way too much. deb, thanks for your response. Well, this is why she said she's "not able to handle a relationship right now". Because she figured that if she said she's "not interested in seeing you again", you might have snapped at her like you did at the stranger above. She's not interested, but don't get hung up about it. On to the next one. 1
Author Gary335 Posted May 7, 2017 Author Posted May 7, 2017 So I thought about it, and I think act00 was probably correct, as harsh, assumptive, and nasty as her comments seemed. She has a lot to handle with her son, and I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with a guy with issues. I sent her a text a few days back, a really heartfelt one, apologizing for everything, and telling her that I was getting help, which I started Wednesday. Late last night, after not hearing from her since sending the text, she texted me, saying she hadn't responded because she didn't know what to say, and apologized for acting like a jerk toward me. We stayed up half the night texting. I was really surprised, I had already written her off, thinking I wasn't going to hear from her again. Is it possible she may still have some interest? At the very least she's clearly still thinking about me, right? And it would clearly seem she was touched by what I said to her. Maybe there's still a little hope after all?
Miss Spider Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 I'm a firm believer in the "hell yeah" or "hell no" ideology.
Dis Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 So I thought about it, and I think act00 was probably correct, as harsh, assumptive, and nasty as her comments seemed. She has a lot to handle with her son, and I'm sure she doesn't want to deal with a guy with issues. I sent her a text a few days back, a really heartfelt one, apologizing for everything, and telling her that I was getting help, which I started Wednesday. Late last night, after not hearing from her since sending the text, she texted me, saying she hadn't responded because she didn't know what to say, and apologized for acting like a jerk toward me. We stayed up half the night texting. I was really surprised, I had already written her off, thinking I wasn't going to hear from her again. Is it possible she may still have some interest? At the very least she's clearly still thinking about me, right? And it would clearly seem she was touched by what I said to her. Maybe there's still a little hope after all? I'm sorry Gary but I dont really see hope here I see you hanging onto something thats not going to get off the ground Why not either take a break from dating until you get everything sorted out... or find a woman who is clearly into you (this one isnt) IME, when we're not our best selves, we dont attract the best people for us I think it would be wise to focus on yourself for awhile...but if you're dead set on continuing to date...dont waste your time on this one. Best to move on 1
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