We barely see each other anymore because he lives with his mother and won't move out

April 30, 2017

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. 2 years ago his father was dying from cancer. He moved back home to be there for his mom and for help with his son.

For about the first 9 months of our relationship, we spent every weekend together and seen each other almost every day except for the nights he had his child during the week he would stay home.

His mom started to get moody/manipulative with him as he wasn’t around as much. For example, he would tell her he would do something around the yard. She would say it doesn’t need to be done and then have her nephew do it and tell other family members in front of him how the nephew did it and is so helpful. They had an argument and things between them got better but then she turned her moodiness onto me. She started to avoid me when I was there, if I talked to her she was abrupt then turn her back. I told my boyfriend I was uncomfortable going there as I felt she didn’t want me there and stopped staying over. He had a talk with her and now I am not allowed there! Now we only spend nights together 1 day during the week and every 2nd weekend. And some times see each other during the day as we are both self-employed.

I was hoping he would get his own place or suggest us live together and he didn’t. (We also have had some other issues in our relationship which for the most have been worked out but it’s been a stressful few months) After a couple of months of spending way less time with him, working through our other issues, feeling single and alone every 2nd weekend I told him things had to change or I had to walk away as I wasn’t happy and our relationship was not growing. I told him for this to work I’d like him to move in with me. He said no, not yet. He needed time as we went through a rough patch. He does not want to make a mistake like he did with his x wife. He needs to be sure our relationship is solid. He’s 46 years old. If you don’t know after a year if you want to be with someone then when will you ever know? How can our relationship grow stronger when we barely see each other because of his situation with his mother? I waited another month and I told him sorry then I need to move on, I am not going to wait months or years for someone to make up their mind if they want a future with me. I am miserable only seeing him 1 or 2 days a week. And I don’t want to date forever. A few days later he begged me to go back to him. Said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he just needs some time. I love him and missed him dearly. We got back together after a couple of weeks but how long should I wait? I want to be with him but I don’t feel he’s committed as he won’t make the move. It’s Saturday night and I am home alone as he is home with his child. His son is 5 and all his toys are at home so I understand for them not to be here but I feel I don’t have a relationship. I don’t want to waste my time waiting for something that may never happen and I feel so miserable being in limbo.

April 30, 2017

He's got family obligations that restrict his options. If he won't work to make you welcome at his mother's home at least as a guest who does not spend the night, then you have no choice but to leave him, since you already said you are tired of waiting.

April 30, 2017

I would disagree that a year was plenty of time to know. It really isn't usually. You could move in and find out you're lucky he's living with his mother because maybe he's not helpful or too used to leaning on her and would want you to take her place and do it all. After a year, there's no good reason why he wouldn't spend some time at your place with his kid. Toys are portable after all.

It sounds to me like (and I hope I'm wrong) he may have kind of dumped himself and the kid on his mom after his breakup and then she demanded HE do more because it's HIS kid. And that may be the turning point where she asked that he parent his child and not just go off dating whenever leaving her holding the bag -- errr, child. He wouldn't likely admit that to you. She's got to be really old and not up to all that responsibility of keeping up with a child.

In that case, yes, I'd think he'd consider moving in together, but it is early for that (because of the child). Still, I totally see your point about how will you continue to get to know each other if you see each other so seldom. Dating a single parent has always been a challenge. If they're doing most of the parenting, they literally have no spare time. Where is the mother of the child and does she have joint custody or has he got full custody? If he has full custody and she is still alive, she must be a hot mess to lose custody and that would account for why he's not in a hurry to go deep with another woman until he's sure.

April 30, 2017

Hi THanks for the reply but no, that's not the case at all with him. He is very helpful and definitely not a lazy person. His mom does not babysit at all. He has his child 50% of the time, joint custody. When we see each other and have our children, we never get sitters. We are both family oriented and enjoy being at home with the kids.

He does come here with his child but rarely overnights as the child prefers to be home with his toys etc. my problem is it's cut way back because he lives outside of the city (which is over 1/2 hour drive away) with his mother who is no longer getting along with him or myself not allowing anyone at her house and apparently he has always butted heads with.

I think when you reach a certain age you know a lot sooner if someone is right for you or not as you have experienced more with relationships.

May 1, 2017

He's 46 years old and he lives with his mom???

That combined with his complacent attitude toward you and your relationship with him

= 2 very large deal breakers

May 1, 2017

A 46 year old man should not need his mother to help with his child just because the child visit each 2 weeks. He moved in with his mother to help her and turns out he's not a help at all and she'd be just fine without him in the house. I bet he's the one who offered his mother to move in. He sounds like a parasite to me just out to take advantage of the situation.

Because of the way he's been avoiding you lately I'd move on. Spending 1 night a week together is not a relationship. You're the once a week sex rendez-vous. What do you have to lose really? You end the relationship and he doesn't go after you so good riddance or you end the relationship and it shocks him into reality and he finally move his big arse to win you back.

May 1, 2017

Thanks for your response Gaeta. I did end the relationship a short while back. He cried, begged relentlessly to get me back. I do love him and missed him very much. He said he would move in with me if our relationship is stronger as I just ended things and he's now afraid that if he moved in, things could end again. We also went through a rough patch where we weren't getting along. I told him he had to decide before we got back together as I can't do what feels like a part time relationship and he said that wasn't fair as it was a big decision for him especially since he has a child and he wants to be sure we get along for a constant period of time first. At first I thought I could be patient but this 1-2 days a week is getting to me plus I don't want to wait endlessly for something that may never happen. How much time do you think is reasonable to give him to make up his mind? I know I can't do this for months on end. The relationship will for sure end then.

May 1, 2017

So he supposedly moved back home to be there for his mother? Well it sure doesn't sound like she's appreciating the help. Maybe it's time for him to move back on his own.

And his son wanting to stay home with toys sounds like a REALLY lame excuse. Like possibly the worst I've ever heard. He can't throw some toys in a suitcase? What kid doesn't like a sleepover? And even if that is the case, does he base every life decision on the whims of his 5 year old?

All in all it sounds like he has a lot of nice excuses for keeping you at arms length.

May 1, 2017

I think it's time to face the fact that your relationship has grown as far as it's going to grow. You're right--after a year, he should know what direction he wants to move in, especially someone who is 46.

What's the story with his child's mother? Does she have any interaction with their child?

I can understand him not wanting to live out of wedlock with someone because of the child and I can also understand him not wanting to repeat mistakes which broke up his marriage/relationship, but I also understand that someone who wants a future with you makes plans to do so, not mark time.

If you've given him a time frame and it's turned into a longer period than you initially thought, then you need to consider ending this and moving on. He doesn't want to build a future with you. If he did, he'd have moved in with you by now.

Unfortunately, if he's living at his mother's house, it's up to her who is welcomed in her home, not him. I don't know if I'd be comfortable if my daughter and my grandchild (if she had one) were living with me and a boyfriend was trying to be spending the night in my house. Would be different if the child wasn't there, but that does make a huge difference to some people, which is their right in their own home.

What exactly are the financial circumstances that warrants him living with his mother?

May 1, 2017

Unfortunately, if he's living at his mother's house, it's up to her who is welcomed in her home, not him. I don't know if I'd be comfortable if my daughter and my grandchild (if she had one) were living with me and a boyfriend was trying to be spending the night in my house. Would be different if the child wasn't there, but that does make a huge difference to some people, which is their right in their own home.

Personally I think the context is important , if he moved into his Mother's house as an adult for the purpose of saving rent then i'd agree it's her house, her rules.

But if as the OP said, he moved back home to support his Mother (whether that is financially, emotionally, physically or some combination thereof) I think he deserves to be treated as a normal adult in their living situation should, being able to have the guests they want at their house. But the bottom line is, it's up for him to stand up for himself.

I know if I moved in with a family member to help them out, and they took that as an opportunity to treat me like a teenager, I would set my boundaries or have to move out and not be able to help as fully.

May 1, 2017

He has his child half of the time so yes the child's mother is involved. Thank you all for the replies in helping me sort through this. Other's opinions are much appreciated and eye opening.

He is allowed visitors just not me anymore as I told him i was feeling uncomfortable and he told her that. I used to spend the night there often. He still has male friends come over. Yes, it makes no sense. He says he's on my side and now things are rough between him and his mother and he is not happy with her. But yet he won't move out? I don't understand why. He makes good $. He owns a company and is a contractor.

I can understand him not wanting to rush into something but we've been together a year and we are not in our 20's or even early 30's. And with the way things are with where he lives I am struggling with maintaining this relationship and he wants me to wait to make sure it's right. It's like a damned if you do damned if you don't lol.

May 1, 2017

Since he has money, here's my two cents. If he's really there to take care of his mother, plus he has a child half the time, plus he's working then he IS busy, very busy. Taking care of elderly is a lot of stress and time.

Since he has money, though, if the problem is he's on her turf, he could get a place of his own with room for her -- and she'd be on HIS turf, and she wouldn't have a right to say anything about whatever he does. Of course, she may be unwilling to leave her family home. I would be. Why not suggest he watch for homes for sale on the same street or one street over and buy his own home there where he can still care for his mother?

I feel that if he's not actively seeking a remedy to this situation, yes, this could be him making excuses to not go further.

May 1, 2017

He is busy but this is during his downtime. Weekends, evenings, etc. this is because he won't move out of his mother's house and wants me to wait until he's ready. She is in her early 70's but in good shape. She still works and does yard work etc plus there is a lot of family that lives nearby who come to help too. He's not saying he has to stay there to help. He moved in there to help and be there for companionship when his father passed away. He is saying that if he leaves he wants to be sure of our relationship as he can't go back. But I don't see how we can make our relationship stronger if we barely see each other. I had broke up with him saying I can't go forward. He begged for me to patient. How patient is patient?

May 1, 2017

He has his child half of the time so yes the child's mother is involved. Thank you all for the replies in helping me sort through this. Other's opinions are much appreciated and eye opening.

He is allowed visitors just not me anymore as I told him i was feeling uncomfortable and he told her that. I used to spend the night there often. He still has male friends come over. Yes, it makes no sense. He says he's on my side and now things are rough between him and his mother and he is not happy with her. But yet he won't move out? I don't understand why. He makes good $. He owns a company and is a contractor.

I can understand him not wanting to rush into something but we've been together a year and we are not in our 20's or even early 30's. And with the way things are with where he lives I am struggling with maintaining this relationship and he wants me to wait to make sure it's right. It's like a damned if you do damned if you don't lol.

It sounds like to me, from what you've shared, that he is comfortable with the arrangement he has. He has a FREE place for himself and his kids, so why change that?! He may be expressing a lack of confidence in his relationship with his mother, but his 'arrangement' outweighs that, if all that bad.

Your relationship is not solid. Moving out is not an option for now. His mother needs help and he has a living arrangement that he can live with for now. He won't jeopardize either for a relationship is not on solid footing.

Even if he does make good money, this doesn't change the fact that he has a 'cozy' arrangement. Tough. He is in his late 40s and taking advantage of the circumstances.

Also, I would like to point out that you offered for him to move in with you. As I see it, if he really wanted to be with you, he would have jumped on that. BUT....if he is genuine, I can also see his discomfort in having his child in your home/place AND leaving his mother. He may be telling the truth about not feeling good about the relationship.

May 1, 2017

He is busy but this is during his downtime. Weekends, evenings, etc. this is because he won't move out of his mother's house and wants me to wait until he's ready. She is in her early 70's but in good shape. She still works and does yard work etc plus there is a lot of family that lives nearby who come to help too. He's not saying he has to stay there to help. He moved in there to help and be there for companionship when his father passed away. He is saying that if he leaves he wants to be sure of our relationship as he can't go back. But I don't see how we can make our relationship stronger if we barely see each other. I had broke up with him saying I can't go forward. He begged for me to patient. How patient is patient?

I feel it's a hug mistake to ask this man to move out of his mother's house and right into your home.

His mother is fine, she is in shape, she works so I am sure she has a social network as well. His fater passed almost a year ago. It's enough, he needs to move out but into his own place, not with you.

What 46 year old enjoys better living with his mother than in his own home?

Also, when you told me he's a contractor and he has money my first thought was that maybe he does not have that much money or maybe he is in a very difficult financial situation and you know nothing of it.

You have not been dating 2 years yet, I think you are rushing to move in with him. Your relationship is not solid as you seem to think. What is the rush to move in together? The first thing he should be doing is move out of his mother's house back into his own home and then work at fixing your relationship before any further talk of living together.

It's not because you 2 are in your 40s that rushing is ok. I am 51, my bf is 49 and we are not in a rush. We've been dating 1,5 year. We spend all of our time together but we maintain seperate homes for now. We have another year to go before we can make plans to official life together. You know why I am fine with this? Because I know 100% he loves me and he spends all of his free time with me. I don't need him to move in with me to confirm our 'togetherness'. I suggest you ask yourself why you are such in a rush to move in with him and is it because you are both ready to make that step together OR it's because it's your way to make him commit to you.

May 1, 2017

It takes time to develop a relationship and both of you need to work on it. It helps to be on the same page when together you set the boundaries. It does sound like he has a lot on his plate but he should consider your needs and wishes too. Maybe you can make a list of priorities for yourself of what is most important to have in this relationship and then share it with him. Communication is the key to working out most relationship issues.I hope it works out for you.

May 2, 2017

I don't see why you are in a hurry to move in together. I think since he's obviously not ready, he should just get his own place for now and get out from his mother's house so he can date when he wants. But you can't force him to be ready to commit.

May 2, 2017

He is allowed visitors just not me anymore as I told him i was feeling uncomfortable and he told her that. I used to spend the night there often. He still has male friends come over. Yes, it makes no sense. He says he's on my side and now things are rough between him and his mother and he is not happy with her. But yet he won't move out? I don't understand why. He makes good $. He owns a company and is a contractor.

He's not having sex with his male friends, though, is he? Therein lies the difference. Also the fact that he told his mom you weren't comfortable around her in her own home. Then the solution to that, for her, is to say you're not welcomed there. He may have set it up this way (and frankly, he could have said it to her with more tact but by the way she reacted, it sounds like he wasn't tactful in his approach, hence this outcome), but fact of the matter is: he's got the money to live on his own, but is choosing not to. And things aren't so bad for him and his mom that he'll move out--else he'd move out, so don't believe that sob story. He may be playing both sides against the middle here.

I can understand him not wanting to rush into something but we've been together a year and we are not in our 20's or even early 30's. And with the way things are with where he lives I am struggling with maintaining this relationship and he wants me to wait to make sure it's right. It's like a damned if you do damned if you don't lol.

He doesn't want to settle down with you. That's the takeaway from this. Like I said, after one year of dating, he should know whether or not you're the one. He's not 28, afterall.

May 2, 2017

If he sees an inheritance ahead, then he may be protecting his share, by staying with his mother.

He is maybe making a case for her to leave it all or at least the house to him and her grandchild...

As you are not flavour of the month with his mother, if he moved in with you, she may leave her assets to someone else or the local animal shelter...

May 2, 2017

You're the once a week sex rendez-vous.

Sounds a bit like it really.

People are never too busy to see the people who are really important to them.

May 3, 2017

I talked to him today and said I don't want to pressure him if he's not ready to live together yet and offered to help him look for his own place if he's interested in doing that since he keeps telling me things are uncomfortable for him now as well at his mom's. He got upset with me and said he does not want to do that. That if he is moving, it's going to be with me at my place or we get a place together. He said he doesn't want to move his child twice within a year and I need to be patient and deal with things as they are until our relationship is stronger and he knows we will last forever as he never wants to get divorced again. He He says by bringing up any of this stuff it's causing arguments. I see it as communicating. He wants a period of time with no talking about serious stuff, having fun, getting along perfect and then he said he would consider moving in.

It's hard for me to be "fine" and not upset as I barely see him anymore. I spent 1 night with him in the last week and a couple hours here and there during the day. I feel I need to give him space to think about things but space would mean not seeing for over a week or more. I'm at a loss what to do and at a loss if I should be taking a different approach or what that approach would be?

Should I suck it up for now and wait it out a month and put aside all that's upsetting me for now as that's what he needs and see what happens? I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong for having difficulty with this approach or he is for asking me to be in this position because he doesn't know what he wants.

Edited May 3, 2017 by springflowers
typo

May 3, 2017

I talked to him today and said I don't want to pressure him if he's not ready to live together yet and offered to help him look for his own place if he's interested in doing that since he keeps telling me things are uncomfortable for him now as well at his mom's. He got upset with me and said he does not want to do that. That if he is moving, it's going to be with me at my place or we get a place together. He said he doesn't want to move his child twice within a year and I need to be patient and deal with things as they are until our relationship is stronger and he knows we will last forever as he never wants to get divorced again. He He says by bringing up any of this stuff it's causing arguments. I see it as communicating. He wants a period of time with no talking about serious stuff, having fun, getting along perfect and then he said he would consider moving in.

It's hard for me to be "fine" and not upset as I barely see him anymore. I spent 1 night with him in the last week and a couple hours here and there during the day. I feel I need to give him space to think about things but space would mean not seeing for over a week or more. I'm at a loss what to do and at a loss if I should be taking a different approach or what that approach would be?

Should I suck it up for now and wait it out a month and put aside all that's upsetting me for now as that's what he needs and see what happens? I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong for having difficulty with this approach or he is for asking me to be in this position because he doesn't know what he wants.

Please step aside and have a look at this situation as an outsider. You are waiting at this man's feet for his approval while he cannot spare time to spend with you.

What he wants is just statut quo. He wants fun at his convenience and he wants you to stop annoying him with talks of future. He does not want to talk about a common future together, isn't that telling?

I would break up with him and let him figure himself out. Right now he's just sucking the life out of you. He has no empathy for leaving you in limbo. He also uses his child as an excuses left and right.

May 3, 2017

Everything has to be on his timeline. So it is what it is. If you want to wait for and maybe end up with a guy who doesn't take your needs into consideration and moves this slow, just know nothing will change except the roof over his head. Seems like too much trouble. I get it that he's not ready. But something is going on that he's not being honest about. Maybe hoping for a reunion with the ex?

May 3, 2017

Thank you for the reply. I see it that way too but still can't help but think that I am not doing my part in compromising and working at the relationship for awhile. Thinking both ways makes me feel stuck and I don't want to give up and regret it. It helps to see others points of view.

He tells me over and over that he wants this but he feels pressured and it has to be right. We do have a lot of vital things in common and both agreed from the start how happy we were to have met and have such a chemistry as we both dated for a couple years and didn't find anything worth pursuing and how hard it is to find this the older you get.

Since me not being able to be at his place, He sees me 1 out of the 2 nights during the week he does not have his child. Every 2nd Friday & Saturday night when he does not have his child. And when he does have his child, a few hours during the day during the week and for a few hours during the day opposite weekends.

He does give time when he's free. It's hard as we went from spending 3/4 of our time together down to 1/4 as he needs to spend time at home too.

May 3, 2017

Everything has to be on his timeline. So it is what it is. If you want to wait for and maybe end up with a guy who doesn't take your needs into consideration and moves this slow, just know nothing will change except the roof over his head. Seems like too much trouble. I get it that he's not ready. But something is going on that he's not being honest about. Maybe hoping for a reunion with the ex?

True, my needs are not being considered and I know that but how can both our needs be met at this time? It almost seems it's one of us or the other with this? No definitely no reunion with the ex. That I am sure of.

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We barely see each other anymore because he lives with his mother and won't move out

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