What a jerk

[Leni88]

I'm so annoyed. So just to refresh I was in a off and on relationship for about 10 years. He ALWAYS was the dumper and it was always because he wasn't "IN" love with me anymore. Per usual this happen almost two months ago after 5 solid years without breakups. We were engaged and had a wedding date set. But he ended thing so I pack up and moved out within a week and a half.

 

Since this time I've been settling into my new place. Going out with friends. I work out (dropped 30 pounds), dyed my hair blonde and I'm getting a tattoo this weekend. I've honestly been trying to move on and get my life together. In a previous post I mentioned that he contacted me last week (Friday) to notify me of a package and the death of a mutual acquaintance. I responded pretty shortly but very polite.

 

This morning I received another email from him regarding dinner this evening. WTF. I told him when we broke up I didn't want to talk to him or be contacted and it's like he doesn't care. Just wants to do what he wants. In this email he says this isn't me trying to get you back I'm just curious about how you are doing. Which now has me spiraling. Like oh does he really not want me back? Is he just trying to be a grow up blah blah blah.

 

What a set back!!! I did respond and say I'm not open to friendship or dinner. Also very polite and short. I'm just annoyed. I've blocked him everywhere except my work email which doesn't allow us to block people so this is how he is contacting me. Any words of advice? Thoughts?

Edited April 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads, add paragraphs, link to backstory

[Altair0770]

I think you're doing the right thing. You've made your point clear that you don't want to be friends or see him and he needs to stop contacting you. You are slowly gaining power. Try completely ignoring the next email he sends you. He's either trying to get breadcrumbs or he's trying to legitimately get back together and failing miserably. I wouldn't overthink that. If he wants to get back together he'll make more of an effort.

 

From a guys perspective he probably wants to have sex and get that ego boost sub-conciously. Idk about other men here, but I don't ever become friends with an ex unless a VERY long time has passed.

[Leni88]

I think you're doing the right thing. You've made your point clear that you don't want to be friends or see him and he needs to stop contacting you. You are slowly gaining power. Try completely ignoring the next email he sends you. He's either trying to get breadcrumbs or he's trying to legitimately get back together and failing miserably. I wouldn't overthink that. If he wants to get back together he'll make more of an effort.

 

From a guys perspective he probably wants to have sex and get that ego boost sub-conciously. Idk about other men here, but I don't ever become friends with an ex unless a VERY long time has passed.

 

Thank you! I have no clue what he is up to but it's just so annoying. I'm just like leave me alone. Of course I don't want to friends...how dense are you? Anyway! Thanks for the male insight

[LilAddison]

I think you're doing the right thing. You've made your point clear that you don't want to be friends or see him and he needs to stop contacting you. You are slowly gaining power. Try completely ignoring the next email he sends you. He's either trying to get breadcrumbs or he's trying to legitimately get back together and failing miserably. I wouldn't overthink that. If he wants to get back together he'll make more of an effort.

 

From a guys perspective he probably wants to have sex and get that ego boost sub-conciously. Idk about other men here, but I don't ever become friends with an ex unless a VERY long time has passed.

 

I 2nd this. On all points.

[Leni88]

I'm trying so hard to be nice and mature during this time. When you email me it's so hard on me. I appreciate you wanting to make sure I'm well and letting me know about CuiQui passing away. It's just so hard for me to hear from you and it really sets me back. I'm trying very hard to move on. Based on the tones of your emails you already have...which is great for you but extremely upsetting for me. I just can't deal with that or you. It's so devastating to know someone who meant so much to you doesn't love you anymore. I just really want to move on and find happiness. I want to be with someone who loves me...who is IN love with me and I know that's not you. I hope you understand. I'm trying. I'm really trying but I just can't deal with the rejection. It really hurts me.

 

Please don't email. It's like picking off a scab. It would be one thing if you felt the same but it's entirely different when you don't. It stings and I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

[spiderowl]

I can understand why you are thinking of sending this, but think what you are actually conveying to him - that you love him, that he hurt you, that he still has power over you, that you want to move on and he is stopping you.

 

Is that what you want to convey? I just wonder. Is it wise to let him know he has power over you? What about telling him not to contact you because he decided he did not want a relationship with you and you do not wish to remain friends. That puts responsibility on his doorstep but it does not give him power over you - or at least that's how I'm thinking?

 

Would you ever want to get back with him? It sounds to me like he likes exerting power and he would only do it again. He might start fighting to get you back, in which case you need to think that one through.

 

Good luck!

[Leni88]

That's exactly what I was thinking. I felt so emotional today especially because he hasn't responded to me. I'm not going to send it so thank you for letting me know I was on the right track. I really WANT him back but I know I shouldn't. It's so tough. It's definitely not going to work but I just miss him. It's so exhausting.

[Zahara]

It's a pattern. He's been on and off with you several times over the course of your relationship. That means you've taught him that every time he comes back, you'd be willing to take him back. He could possibly be repeating the pattern again or just seeking you out to alleviate his guilt. If you entertain him, in his eyes he's absolved of all wrongdoing.

 

Don't send him that note. Don't meet him. Stay strict NC. Even he emails you again.

[SevenCity]

Yea don't send that. Just ignore him. But, understsnd that people will give up eventually.

 

Also, don't get a tattoo until you are 100% in your right mind. That's forever and may serve as a constant reminder of your ex.

 

Once you no longer care get one if you want at that time.

[Leni88]

My ex is a ****ing dick. So let me go into detail. I've posted here before about him breaking out engagement back in Jan. No explanation and it's not the first time. So back in march he gets in touch and begs to work things out. Confesses to cheating on me with his MARRIED co-worker for two months and then subsequently spending two months in a relationship with her. So after not much back and forth I agree to give it a go. I'm pathetic. So we enter therapy and things are going well this last month. Until today when he was being standoffish and I asked what was wrong. He said I'm not sure how I feel can we talk tomorrow. I just think this is bull****! Why should I have to deal with this again or wait until tomorrow. Sorry this was pretty much a rant. I'm so stupid. I can't believe I set myself back with this guy again!

[spiderowl]

Sorry you have found yourself in this position. I wholeheartedly concur he is a jerk. There's no excuse for this kind of behaviour.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you are going through this again.

 

It would be best for you to reread your other threads and try to embrace your reality with this guy. The on and off for 10 years is a clear indication that this will never work.

 

I'm sure at some point he'll try to rope you back again as you have set a pattern of tolerance as well, which he knows.

 

It would be best to not even talk and just cut the cord.

[preraph]

If nothing has changed to make someone change their tendencies and behavior, there's just no reason to think they will as long as you'll put up with it. I'm sorry, but don't punish yourself for it. Everyone tries and gives the benefit of the doubt. If you'd left before, you might have always wondered if you'd done the right thing. Now you know for sure.

[Altair0770]

Cheaters always cheat. He didn't respect you before. He's not going to respect you when he feels comfortable that you're with him.

[William]

Folks, moderation merged a couple recent threads on this breakup as well as linked to a four thread merge on the backstory regarding it. Please continue all discussion of this breakup and its aftermath in this thread. Thanks!